PINY PEK : HEAVY WORLD

The Broken Tree

2009-11-02T12:21:00.002-05:00

There are no longer the sweet smiles and warm, safe embraces of the elders to comfort me. My father cries at the sight of me, and my grandparents consider me dead. I am not welcome to Thanksgiving, Eid, Birthday, Graduation.
My family has asked me not to be present for any of thier lives, and it is a sad thing that they will not forgive me even in death. My grandmother lies in a hospital bed today, dying of infection and starvation, but my family blames me saying she is dying of a broken heart.
What is my crime? What could I have possibly done for them to shun me so? I fell in love with a man who they couldn't accept. He wasn't muslim, he wasn't pakistani, and he is poor as dirt. But what do these things matter if we are happy? If we are both in school, working towards a better life. He's even decided that he wants to convert for me.
So what is the big deal. Why does my cousin get to marry a white girl and still have the family support. Why could my own father get away with marrying an american woman? I am a woman, and the rules are different. They tell me I am no longer a good muslim woman so I am dead to them.
This pain, this suffering for me is the hardest thing in the world. The loss I feel is next to none.
What a test this is for my life, and what a horrible thing for any child to feel such anger from their family. What should I do now? My entire life has been turned upsidedown and the very meaning of love and committment have been altered beyond recognition. I feel sorry for my fiancee who has to feel my pain and occasional mistrust as a result. Why does love come at such costs? And when we find real love, should we have to make these sacrifices?

An adventure around the world or depression in the classroom: A third way.

2009-07-07T10:49:00.004-05:00

I've been in an interesting place lately. Like the kind of interesting that spawns from possibilities that seem to stretch beyond one's wildest dreams!

I have a number of possible courses of action to pursue this year.

1. Go to Perth, Australia and work and study at the YWAM (Youth With A Mission) base there for about two years, taking part in a Basic Leadership School and possibly going on outreaches and being a part of ministry within the base's leadership and Christ-centered agenda.

2. Go to Purdue University and carry on my studies as a Political Studies major with minors in German and in Religious Studies.

or...

3. Stay in Lafayette, not necessarily attending Purdue, while working and move into a low-cost apartment in a nearby neighborhood that struggles with poverty and crime, and hang out with kids in the neighborhood, potentially opening doors for a fellowship and community Bible study with people of all ages, and attach the ministry to my church here in Lafayette.

4. Study at Purdue for the fall and spring semesters, save up money to go to Perth to work on staff for the summer next year, and learn the ropes of the base, and consider the BLS (Basic Leadership School) after finishing up my degree.

5. Regardless of where I go, I'll also have the capacity to continue working for the Not For Sale Campaign [to combat human trafficking], since I'm the Deputy State Director here in Indiana, and NFSC will be hosting a seminar at the Perth base later this month, and thus might end up more heavily involved with ministry and practical outreach at the Perth base, or in Australia in general.

The thing is, if I take on either of the first two options, it's possible the opposite will follow in due time, shortly after whichever I do first. And the third and fourth ideas could both also work with the second plan, of attending classes.

I have a lot of my personal demons to fight off before I can be relatively comfortable with jumping into any more involved ministry of any kind. I intend to spend much of my summer walking with The Rabbi and intensely delving into God's word, attempting to fight off some of my deepest rooted sins and learning to act justly, love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God, my beautiful Adonai.

Friends, family, and loved ones, I pray for your guidance, prayers, thoughts, encouragement, advice, and suggestions as I try to seek out what is best and right for my next step in life.

Shalom.

Yemenia Air's plane crashed

2009-06-30T12:19:00.006-05:00

... another airplane crashed into the ocean...
the homepage i open daily titled like this: "a 19 year old Airbus A310 crashed into the ocean"

Soon a huge discussion started on this homepage about safety and technical service of airplanes.
One after another wrote that flying isn't safe any more and all airlines safe money by spending less money on technical service and that 19 year old airplanes can't be safe any more.
this is one of the biggest lies about airplanes and airlines!!!
I'm studying Tourism and Travel Management and just a few weeks ago we talked about technical service of airplanes in my class...
We got a list of all the checks an airline has to do regulary. This list included about 7-10 checks. From the Pre-Flight-Check, which has to be done before every flight by the mechanices and afterwards again by the pilot, to the D-Check, which means that every plane has to be fully taken apart and rebuild. This D-Check takes four to six weeks and has to be done every six to ten years. But after this D-Check you can say the plane is completly rebuild and almost like a new one.
The aircraft companies say that these checks HAVE to be done!
If an airline doesn't care this much about security, they might not be allowed to enter some air spaces, like it was with this Yemenia Air of which the plane crashed into the ocean. This airline wasn't allowed to enter France's air space any more.

So next time, when you're flying somewhere keep in mind that an awful lot of checks have to be done regulary and that just because you see an airplane arrive at the gate and fly off again after an hour, doesn't mean that the plane didn't get checked.

greetings from Germany
-Krissi

To Whom it May Concern: A Letter of Mild Sorrow

2009-06-08T09:23:00.002-05:00

To Whom it May Concern,

You, Madam, are looking quite beautiful today wherever and whoever you are. I am surprised and thrown off keel by your startling beauty! You have flushed my cheeks like no other and knocked the wind out of me. I do not know your name and you do not know mine yet. But you are certainly beautiful, and I regret to inform you that I will not be able to marry you, or carry on with you romantically or anything of the sort, for that matter.

You see, Madam, I am entangled in a cause that uses nearly all of me. It pulls me in so many different directions, stretching the known bounds of my ability and mentality, and it causes me great suffering in spurts, and great elation in others. I am locked in as a fighter in a war on slavery--yes, the same one that we thought had been globally abolished. I have frankly signed over my life to this cause, and to the God I believe it calling me to continue fighting it. It is all-consuming, and I can't stand to see that cause you any pain.

For these reasons, I must decline to pursue you any further. Chances are that by the time I meet you or have any contact with you, which may be yet years off, I'll have accidentally led you on--I'm a terrible flirt, you know. I might make the mistake sometime in the future of locking eyes with you. I might tell you your voice haunts me, I might tentatively reach for your hand. I might fall head-over-heels for you, Madam. And if you at that point notice my advances, I will weep for leading you on. I cannot keep myself from wishing things would work, but I also cannot deny the near implausibility of such a dream.

I had the pleasure and discomfort of sitting down to watch the film 'Flash of Genius', the film portraying the life and efforts of the inventor of the intermittent windshield-wiper. It seems such a strange premise for a film, but instead it ended up hitting home. You see, Madam, you do not know yet just how dedicated I am to this battle. I will keep fighting. I will always be consumed with this war, which is at times a great distress for me. I have loved and been loved before, and I would imagine I will certainly miss it.

Madam, dearest, I'm not necessarily ruling out marriage for all eternity, but I simply cannot promise anything as of yet. This task at hand, this war, this all-consuming fire and passion for justice must outpace the passion for romance and distracted relationships. I am sorry, deeply sorry, Madam, but I cannot now entertain the notion of marriage, courtship, or any kind of emotional bond beyond friendship. I am afraid of falling for you, of entering into a life with you, I am afraid that you will be less devoted to the dire need for justice. I am afraid my dedication to the war will tire you and cause a rift, so it is best, I believe, to avoid forming any such bond that can be rent by such a violent passion for something... other than you.

Darling Madam, you are beautiful, I am certain, you take my breath away, or at least you will, but I am afraid of taking much more away from you, and I fear breaking yet another heart because of what I am seeking to engage. I have hurt and damaged other women because of driving so hard against injustice, and I cannot do it to another beautiful, graceful woman.

I do not yet know you, Madam, or at least I cannot see you yet in such a romantic a lovely light. I apologize profusely, with heart-felt anguish, that if such a spark ever occurs between your eyes and mine, I will risk tearing you and I both to the ground, and rebuilding a broken heart takes years. Please, Madam, you are too beautiful a person to wound.

If it ever seems the battle is being won rather than continuously lost, perhaps I shall call on you then. I thank you for understanding, if you ever do. I hope that when you read this, you will not see any coldness in my message. Chances are I'll have found you utterly beautiful and probably the finest catch of all time. This is meant to encourage you to find a more suitable adventure in love in another man. This man, this previously engaged man, is simply not able to give you all that you deserve, or more. He regrets it avidly and will your interests at the foreground.

Whoever you are or will ever be, know that I would probably have loved you to my best ability while fighting this war on other fronts, but I would simply never do YOU the justice I would hope for.

Peace be with you, and may you find happiness with another man who will love you more than I ever could.

In a final moment of sadness I must walk away from your front porch in my full combat gear, my belt polished and gleaming, my boots laced high and tight, my rifle slung over my shoulder, locked and loaded, my shirt and slacks clean and crisp, something you would be proud of. I hope you see upon my face a smile that conveys with quivering lips how much you will probably have meant to me in the brief time of knowing you. I hope you are able to know full well how hard it is for me to carry this banner into the streets and march, one foot in front of the other, with heavy heart, into battle in every corner of the world. I will move into the rice mills, the restaurants, the brothels, the trucks, trains, and boats, and I will destroy injustice, bringing the captors before a judge, and the broken, oppressed victims into a warm and loving home to care for them. I will carry no weapon but my heart on fire.

I'll think of you on the battlefields and in the quiet nights reading reports and documents that contain information to release women, children, men of all stripes. I'll think of you and remember a beautiful woman whose eyes held my heart for but a brief time, and I'll try to blink your image away, and in a painful act of devotion to a hurting world, I'll eventually forget you and the way you made me feel. I'll probably pray that you sleep well each night and that no harm comes your way. I'll pray that you never have to experience what I will. I'll pray that you are able to find the affection and ultimate care of a man who knows you in every way, who will give his all to protect and cherish you; who will gently guide you back to the better path, and will be patient with you in every way, and never once neglect you.

I don't know if such a man exists, but chances are I'll always believe that you deserve such a man.

I cannot be that man, for my mind will always be so strongly drawn to things beyond my control, and I would always be pulled away from you, leaving you cold and empty, if I were to attempt to be that man. In falling short I'd weep for days and Inevitably I'd need to walk away, wishing it weren't so.

For all these reasons, Madam, I must close the door between us, the troops are waiting. I wish I could give you a kiss in parting, but I don't want that to be the last memory you have of me as you hopefully start a new life and relationship with another man. I just hope you remember me for a spell, a very short spell, as a man who went on to humbly accept his duty, who gives you fond memories possibly, but who ultimately was only just a friend. I hope you will forget me, Madam. I hope you will give yourself fully to the man that you marry, for he will do everything in his power to make you first in all he does.

I will think fondly of you, Madam, as I step into the fray, encouraged by your gentleness and your compassion. You will likely have been a great friend, Madam. I thank you for all you will have done, and all you will have been to me.

Adieu fair Madam. May God be with you. May Injustice anger you. May peace come to you knowing that there are others sacrificing in this war that you may have peace and live a full life.

Shalom.

Not For Sale Campaign

2009-06-02T10:48:00.003-05:00

Well, folks... I suppose I'm back then, aren't I?

I've been away for far too long and I feel sort of like spitting out loads of sappy cliches just to bog you all down. But I won't.

In reality I was always within reach of my computer, bus so hardly involved in anything bigger than myself, and I was ever more encouraged by loved ones to keep my private life private. I made a lot of mistakes with my direction and... the long and short of it is that now I am re-engaged in a battle I've made mention of a few times in these posts.

I've recently been appointed the Deputy State Director for the Indiana chapter of the Not For Sale Campaign [to combat human trafficking and modern-day slavery].

My boss and partner in leadership is Sarah Joy, and she's been a pleasure to work with so far!

About a month ago I applied for the Abolitionist/Investigator Training Academy in San Francisco, a 2-week training session put on by the Not For Sale Campaign four times this summer to train new abolitionists to work closely with the organization, and to watch out for and expose incidents of human trafficking and modern-day slavery in the States, and around the world.

(How's that for a run-on? I'll be sure to keep the rest of this a bit more tidy!)

Shortly after booking my flight and solidifying plans for the trip, I grew bored of sitting around, aching for more to do. In a fit of such monotony, I went to the NFSC website and found out that there are Regional/State Directors who volunteer to coordinate efforts under their supervision in a given geographical area. It was a blessing to see that there was someone I could work with in Indiana and I immideiately contacted Sarah Joy. Within a week, after quickly exchanging all sorts of information, initiatives, ideas, and desires for the future of the states, I asked to join her more officially and the higher-ups granted me that permission, et voila!

We've laid out a lot of groundwork for the organization and have come to understand ourselves as the foundation-layers of the state, working to build a framework for future volunteers to take on the "big things." Due to my upcoming stint at the Academy, I'll be leading the investigative and mapping department, while Sarah will spear-head the victim aftercare initiatives and the public relations. (She's got stellar speaking skills!)

There are several people already lined up to help her with the vision of starting a shelter for trafficked women and children, and hopefully one also for men. We're moving forward at an incredibly rapid pace! I've been so pleased and excited to learn that she and several others have already spoken to various groups and individuals, at multiple events, long before I even came on board.

It's incredible to be involved now, and though I struggle with balance and forcing myself into exhaustion every few days, I'm not willing to stop fighting any time soon.

There's a powerful scene in the film Gattaca, in which the protagonist and his brother are trying to out-swim each other across a lake. The protagonist, Vincent, was born naturally, with the usual human deficiencies, while his brother, Anton, was born with scientific and genetic enhancements, part of a new generation of super-humans. Vincent fights his whole life to become better than he was born to be, to the annoyance of Anton. On the eve of Vincent's dreams coming true, his brother learns the truth, finding that Vincent has taken on someone else's identity and deceived everyone in the space program, desiring to go up in the next shuttle launch.

Anton asks him, between coughing breaths and slaps of water, how he did it, how he made it so far. Vincent turns and, watching his brother who, in defeat, starts to turn to swim back, replies:

"You want to know how I did it? This is how I did it, Anton: I never saved anything for the swim back."

I will take a few moments now and then to tread water and catch my breath. I will pause briefly to remember who drives me to do this, who is fighting slavery right beside me and within me, who is allowing me to be a part of something so necessary, right, and awe-inspiring. I will seek the face of the Adonai who inspires Abolition, and I will continue fighting and swimming and working, and I'll kick the darkness till it bleeds daylight.

Shalom.

Traffic and Revenge.

2009-05-13T08:05:00.007-05:00

the gun i wish i had is quivering in my hand right now, my violence and rage is overpowering and intoxicating, but what if the coin was flipped, what if i couldn't do anything about it, what if it actually played out like this:

The door opens a crack and a soft, mildly upset voice passes through with deceptive ease, "Has anyone seen Nikki?"

I'm sitting on the floor across from my roommate, playing cards, leaning on our bunks. The voice outside belongs to David, one of Nikki's best friends here at the house. He's never really this timid, that's why he and Nikki hit it off. The outgoing people here found each other quickly and spent lots of our group's free time together. I glance at my watch and look up at David, "No, when was the last time you talked to her?"

"She told me after lunch that she was heading downtown to buy a new shirt or something."

It's almost 8 o'clock in the evening. San Francisco is getting dark about now, towering buildings blotting out the sun in the heart of the city, this fine August night.

"Asher, it's almost 8."

"I know David." He's starting the freak me out the more I look at him, watching his expressions change, quickly becoming more and more panicked. "I'm sure she's here somewhere, just keep asking around."

"I've already checked with everyone else."

My heart skips a beat. I feel a chill ripple through my arms and I accidentally drop a couple cards. Derek, my roommate, is none the wiser, and I can see the same wave coming over him.

Here at our group house in San Fran, all of us know all too well what might have happened to Nikki. There are about 25 of us students from around the country studying human trafficking and how to spot it, report it, and take it down. Our high blood pressure is well warranted right now. Every night prostitutes line the streets in certain districts of the city.

Derek and I stand up in a split second and David steps into the room, closing the door behind him. He lowers his gaze and slowly looks up at us, saying, "we need to go find her."

"How the hell do you expect us to do that?" Derek's voice almost cracks, "None of us know our way around here."

A second of silence gives the weight of this situation a little bit more time to etch itself into our collective psyche. Shallow breaths scrape from each of us in raspy turns. I want so badly to panic. And then I just want to be armed. Then I wish I had a car. And, again, a gun.

David breaks the tense stillness, "there are already a couple people on board and willing to go look for her. Nate and Mike and Ernest. But obviously none of them brought their cars."

The three of us stand in a tight cluster at the center of the room. I'm probably stepping all over our card game. I don't give a damn at this point.

"David, maybe we could call the cops."

"Derek, that's insane, they'd be nearly useless. Unless they have a trafficking unit... Okay, we won't rule that out, but let's get other people on board first."

David turns and opens the door and the three of us shuffle out, looking for anyone else with an open door. Mike, Nate, and Ernest come up the stairs, huffing. They must have been running through the whole house. Mike stops a few feet from us, "guys, the Professor's calling the cops. They should be here in a few minutes."

David turns on him, "Why would they need to come here, Mike, huh? Nikki's downtown and needs them there!"

Mike is taken back with David's tone and clears his throat, "Dave, they're gonna take a couple of us downtown to look for her, see if she's just lost."

Nate tries to level out the situation, "Dave, do you know exactly where she was going? Like, what store, what district?"

David looks like he's tripping over his own thoughts. He closes his eyes, saying through gritted teeth, "Macy's, by Union Square."

That's not too bad, I'm thinking. Then I remember Union Square is actually a park. As big as a downtown block, and pretty shady at night. Frankly, it's downtown San Fran--it's not really that safe anytime during the day. I grab David by the shoulder and push him toward the steps, "guys, let's get down there and do what we can. Grab water bottles or blankets and stuff them in a bag. Depending what... well... Nikki may need..."

I don't need to finish my sentence. Since Monday we've heard people speak of the terrors of being hand-cuffed to bed-posts for weeks at a time, laced with drugs enough to sterilize a cow. It only takes about a day or so to get girls addicted to any drug you give them. Nikki's no exception. She's an attractive blonde with a thin frame and long legs. It wouldn't take much of anything to render her senseless. My adrenaline races and I push past them all, yelling at them to go to their rooms and grab something helpful. My yelling causes a couple other doors to open in the upstairs bedrooms.

As I get downstairs, ignoring questions and calls from the others upstairs, I find the Professor waiting by the front door. He stands alone, fidgeting, his cell phone at the ready. In my blurred state of vision right now it looks like he may be packing under his jacket. But for all I know it's just the influx of adrenaline that's causing these visions.

"Asher, hey, are you okay?" He looks concerned.

"Nikki's missing. No I'm not okay. When are the cops getting here?"

"Just a couple minutes."

"We're almost ready to go."

"To go? Asher, you're not going anywhere. The police are just getting a description and a couple photos."

"The hell? Yes, I have to go. David has to go! Mike said they'd take us to help look for her."

"No, not anything like that. We can't get involved."

"Mike wouldn't lie about that, Professor."

"I'm sure he misunderstood or something."

Mike and the others show up behind me.

The Professor turns to him, "Mike, what made you think you all were going with the police?"

"Professor, uh... you said you'd have us ready for them to pick up when they got here."

Everyone looks confused, my heart rate's going insane. Would someone please make a definite statement soon!

The Professor extends his hand, holding an envelope containing a few photos. Outside, we can see red and blue flashes growing brighter. There's no siren, or maybe there is, but I can't focus enough to hear it if it's there. "Mike, I told them I'd have these pictures ready for them to pick up."

Mike and David nearly collapse.

"I'm sorry, but no one here is going with them."

Ernest blurts out, "But Nikki's out there! We don't know if she's okay! Professor, we're the only ones who know anything about her, about the way she walks, what she looks like, what she might be wearing! The cops need us out there! Nikki needs us!"

The Professor's eyes flash with anger and anxiety and in a cold, thinly masked wavering tone, "I know. The cops don't work that way, and we don't have any jurisdiction to see if we could find her in another person's house or business." He pauses and I can see a vein bulging on his neck. "Guys, I need you to help calm everyone else down right now. The cops will do the best they can out there. The law only allows them to conduct searches anyway. We can't break laws trying to find lawbreakers... That's just not how this works."

"That's bull!" Did I really just say that? The skin over my knuckles seems tight and stretched. God, is this really happening?

"Asher, calm down. There's nothing else you can do right now. If any of you want to pray, that would be great, and for those that don't, I need you to stay calm. Nothing can get done without--"

Someone's knocking on the door. The yellow light from the lamps in the room is intermittently over-powered by red and blue hues flashing almost as fast as my pulse.

The Professor walks to the door and opens it with a shaking hand. Two uniformed officers step in. The looks of apathy smeared across their faces disturbs me. You don't know what you're doing, do you? You little pricks can't do anything with that lack of concern! Just give me your damn badge and gun. I'll do your job better.

"Hello Professor, What was Nikki wearing?"

David steps forward, "A green jacket and um... these blue jeans with little swirlies of gold and red or pink or something. Her sister Sandra, she made them for her last year, she..." David drops his eyes, "Take me with you, officers, I can spot her from a mile away."

"I'm afraid we can't do that, sir."

David seems to be convulsing. "She's my best friend. You have to understand."

"There are ways we can and cannot go about things. We can't take you with us. You just have to trust us."

"Find her. Find her, officers." He raises his eyes to meet the taller officer's, catching him off-guard. "Find her tonight, or expect that I'll be joining the search first thing tomorrow."

"You can't do that, sir. That's not in your jurisd--"

"Damnit! Don't tell me what I can and cannot do."

I'm not sure, but I think I could absolutely expect David to take someone's life for Nikki. These cops better know how serious this is to us.

David's not done, "Find her tonight. You don't want to have to deal with all of us if you don't."

I am expecting some sort of confrontation from the cops right now, but for some reason, these two seem to get the point, and instead of anything further said to aggravate David, they simply say:

"Green jacket, blue jeans with colored swirls. We'll do our best."

The Professor closes the door behind them and I ponder how trite and half-ass that statement always sounds: "We'll do our best."

Will you, really? Cause I'm sure I could do better.

I am told to return to my room. I feel a hand on my shoulder. I notice David's as frozen as I am. Someone is trying to urge us both to move and head upstairs. Eventually the hand on my shoulder loosens its grip and I and David are left alone in a silent, tense, pulsating foyer. My ears are throbbing.

The gun I wish I had is quivering in my hand right now, my violence and rage is overpowering and intoxicating...

Find her. Get her here safe. Bring her captors to justice. Or I, and most likely David, will seek revenge. Every one of those creeps deserves a full clip of hot lead in them.

It seems like hours before I release my muscles and try to walk away from the foyer. David is still standing there, motionless, when I close the door to my room. I look at Derek and catch his eye. We don't have to say anything. We're on the same page.

As I lay down and Derek kills the lights, I stare blindly up at the ceiling. Just a few thoughts running through my head:

Find her. Get her to safety. Bring her captors to justice.
Find her.
Save her.
Now.

Decision Time

2009-05-12T22:35:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I've faced a reality about the world and my place in it as big and life altering as the one I've realized today.

In Pakistan there have been over half a million people displaced by the American troops and the Taliban. I am an American Pakistani, so where does this leave me? If my family had not immigrated from Pakistan when my father was a boy, then one of those hundreds of thousands of IDP's could be me.

I understand that there are evils in this world that can only be eradicated by the help of our soldiers, but at what cost do we try to rid ourselves of said evils?

The men and women being displaced were families barely able to care for thier own children, and what will happen to those children now? Most likely they will die from injuries sustained, be left to die by the road side to cut back on family cost, or forced/sold into human trafficing to earn money. These are the harsh realities that already faced these kids, and we've just made it worse.

I could have been one of those children! For the love of God people wake up! We have to do something to change this world of ours. If we just sit by and allow the carnage, the genocide, the madness to continue, then we are the terrorists!

I mean think about it. If our ancestors hadn't immigrated to this country however many years ago, we could be those unfortunate children facing the world's darkest hours.

It is because of such realizations that I have decided that my ultimate goal will be to save a child. At least one child from a fate that could have been mine. I will not let my life go by without doing something to stop the insanity.

Love is not Beautiful

2009-05-05T22:24:00.004-05:00

I bet this is a pleasant surprise for the other Piny Pek bloggers (especially, particularly Archer).

I didn't even know that I could still contribute to this blog.

And I feel so out of the loop and even misplaced.

But here's something that I wrote March 29 (I think); it's my most recent writing:

Love is not beautiful; love is selfish. The Sonnets of the Portuguese are not beautiful, because they are about love. And when in love, you forsake all others, your family and your friends—those who are indeed beautiful. I once browsed through a book called 1000 Beautiful Things—none of it was beautiful, because love was written on its every page.

A kiss is not beautiful; it is disgusting—two tongues reeling about like snakes mating. And it is the very symbol of love, of a disgusting love.

Sex is above all the least beautiful, especially when it is done by two people in love. From heaven, they must look like featherless birds flapping. Even sex derived from lust is more beautiful than two people in love, twisting and entangling their bodies in and out. For some time they are one, and then they are separate; then they are one again. Sex without love is beautiful—because lusty, foul humans wallow in pleasure. They don’t feel the longing desire that people in love feel as they are separate and must function with this hidden secret—that for some time they were whole.

They don’t feel the ache of a human-shaped hole ripped from their bodies—just to fit perfectly together by nightfall and torn apart by day break. Twenty-four hours is measured differently by people who are in love; it is divided into pieces—the times with which they love and the times with which they don’t even exist. As if to say, I love you or I am not at all.

And in this moment of inexistence, it has taken one good-bye kiss, one morning-after, one day of silence before the longing sets in. Sex without love is for actors, trying to taste heaven without repercussion. For a single moment, they think they’re in love, the curtains close, they bow their heads to ravenous applause, and they slither away to soak in their diluted pleasures.

Because sex with love is very different, indeed. Lovers are not actors, merely seeking self-centered pleasures. Love by nature isn’t selfish, it is very beautiful.

- Evon R. Christian

Dating A Banker Anonymous

2009-02-15T12:37:00.005-05:00

hey folks,

i've got a link for you, so you can see that the financial crises is really, really, really bad:

http://dabagirls.wordpress.com/

enjoy reading!
greetings
-Krissi

Mr. Fixit

2009-02-09T07:33:00.000-05:00

there was once a group of several friends in the church who began to grow wary of a popular new rising leader. he was using the church as a springboard to gain further votes in following elections. people who had called themselves christians were losing sight of Christ's true nature and were applying strong feelings of nationalism to Biblical precepts.

this small group of friends spoke out for years against this man's use of the church to gain power and strip the Messiah of his true identity, warping the image of a "good christian" into something drenched in propaganda and illusions of grandeur, power and economic rehabilitation.

this small group of friends were right.

the leader withdrew his support for anything left of the real church.

the state fell under control of a man and his secret police who no longer valued human life that was anything less than Aryan.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer and 14 of the other 15 conspirators who had tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler in order to commit the lesser of two evils were executed in the final months of the European war in the 1940's.

some of these men had spoken out since the late 1920's when Adolf Hitler began making promises of national recovery.

the cult of personality took over and his face was an icon of positive change for years and slowly became an unstoppable symbolic effigy of both a failing nation and a crumbling church.

the cult of personality is a very dangerous thing, especially when the person being admired so violently is still living, and still very powerful.

we must be careful, as people from all walks of life, particularly those of us from within the church, to avoid fawning over a leader because of the change they promise.

i may get criticized for this. but i voted for him, too. and i'm totally psyched that he won the election.

...but a pox on me and my hands and my tongue if i do not state that i am concerned with an overwhelming adoration of a new leader.

i am guilty of bowing to the cult of personality in many ways. i violently adore writers and philosophers like Bonhoeffer, King, Dyson, Niebuhr, Lewis, Bell, and several others.

i also used to believe so strongly in the persona of the man known as El Che. i've since learned that it is the ideals he stood for that i love, and that he was a fallen and failed human in many respects, though certainly not all.

please, sisters and brothers, let us not get so wrapped up in an iconic and impressive speaker and leader at the cost of our search for peace, justice, and most importantly truth.

17 pages in an hour for her. 17 hours by the radio for them.

2008-12-26T12:11:00.009-05:00

i remember it clearly, the second week on outreach, most poignantly on the 27th and 28th of December, my friend borrowing my AM radio, sitting in a small hut on the outskirts of Mwanza, Tanzania.

two major events occurred on the 27th of December, 2007. it was a day that rocked my world.

Kenyans voted for a president, the election being rigged to favor the incumbent. the next 30-odd days awash with blood in a nation heralded as Africa's most peaceful. near 1000 deaths triggered by the lies of the rulers.

Pakistanis lost and began mourning for one of the most prominent women in southern Asian politics.

Benazir Bhutto, the former twice-run Prime Minister, recently returned from Exile, was shot in the back of the head and then blown up by a suicide bomber.

i spent the next several months of my life engrossed entirely in news and updates concerning these two events. i spent countless hours with my friend Joy, from Kenya, listening to my radio for any news of change and peace in her homeland.

i spent nearly an hour in a Barnes & Noble stateside a month later, reading Benazir's book, 'Reconciliation'. the final draft of this manuscript was handed to her friend and editor the morning before her assassination. i read the whole first chapter, all 17 pages, trembling in the plush chair.

tomorrow marks the first anniversary of both of these monumental events.

some great change has come to these two nations, while yet another crisis looms for one and progress has been slow in another. tomorrow i will likely sit, trembling, reading the headlines commemorating such tragic loss of life.

only this time there's still hope for things to get better.

2008-12-12T06:29:00.005-05:00

This morning when I checked my e-mails, I saw an article on the internet...
"The Torture Charts at Guantanamo Bay"

Reprieve, a British human rights organization, published the following list of songs which were used for and while torture at Guantanamo Bay:

• AC/DC - Hell's Bells
• AC/DC - Shoot to Thrill
• Aerosmith
• Barney the Purple Dinosaur - theme tune
• Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive
• Britney Spears
• Bruce Springsteen - Born in the USA
• Christina Aguilera - Dirty
• David Gray - Babylon
• Deicide - Fuck Your God
• Don McLean - American Pie
• Dope - Die MF Die
• Dope - Take Your Best Shot
• Dr. Dre
• Drowning Pools - Bodies
• Eminem - Kim
• Eminem - Slim Shady
• Eminem - White America
• Li'l Kim
• Limp Bizkit
• Matchbox Twenty - Gold
• Meat Loaf
• Metallica - Enter Sandman
• Neil Diamond - America
• Nine Inch Nails - March of the Pigs
• Nine Inch Nails - Mr. Self-Destruct
• Prince - Raspberry Beret
• Queen - We are The Champions
• Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name Of
• Red Hot Chilli Peppers
• Saliva - Click Click Boom
• Sesame Street - theme tune
• Tupac - All Eyes on Me

I know most of the songs and I enjoyed listening to some of them. I never thought about torture when I listened to them...
Knowing that others think about the pain they had to feel when they listen to one of these songs makes it impossible for me to listen to any of them without having this bitter taste of torture.

Read more about it at http://www.reprieve.org.uk/Press_stop_torture_music.htm

Cluster-bomb might as well be Cluster-F#@%

2008-12-03T09:12:00.006-05:00

Finally, a cluster-bomb treaty has been fully developed and is being signed this week by nearly all of the countries in the United Nations.

NEARLY all.

let me quickly cite for you the description of a cluster-bomb, from the AP writer/Yahoo! News article above:

"Cluster bomblets are packed by the hundreds into artillery shells, bombs or missiles that scatter them over vast areas. Some fail to explode immediately. The unexploded bomblets can then lie dormant for years until they are disturbed, often by children attracted by their small size and bright colors."

these are not happy little toys that are harmless to play with. these are bombs that scatter foreign objects throughout the human body for the explicit purpose of stopping someone dead in their tracks. they normally do just that, but to the wrong people...

"[A]ccording to the group Handicap International, 98 percent of cluster-bomb victims are civilians, and 27 percent are children."

and here's the thing about this treaty before the UN. among those nations refusing to sign it we find ruthless nations that have committed countless war crimes, censored and imprisoned their own citizens with little reason, and participated in terrorist actions around the globe.

three of these countries are as follows:

Russia
China
United State of America

...guess what? countries like Lebanon are signing this treaty. the Lebanese government knows what cluster-bombs are like and know that it doesn't want to let them float around the world freely anymore.

"Washington, Moscow and other non-signers say cluster bombs have legitimate military uses such as repelling advancing troop columns."

if you want to repel advancing troop columns, use bullets. they work, too, and don't have a possibility of delayed explosive injury.

maintaining the use of bullets as opposed to weapons such as cluster-f#@%s will not stop the U.S. from being a nation that utilizes terrorism to get what it wants. but hopefully without these shiny play-things governments like those of Russia, China, and the United States of America might actually have to grow a pair and face combat in a more courageous way, as opposed to all-out slaughter of the weak and vulnerable.

If the United States of America would like to look like a nation that honors freedom and democracy, then I simply demand that its government sign the treaty to ban cluster-bombs.

...

and i ask those of you reading, if you live in this country, try to help us look like a little less of the huge asshole we already are and demand an end to cluster-bombs, as well!

thank you.

i am

2008-11-03T15:44:00.005-05:00

i am the Black Militant.
i am the Muslim Extremist.
i am the Illegal Alien.
i am the Welfare Slacker.
i am the St. Claire Gang Banger.
i am the South Side Whore.
i am the Tattooed Convict.
i am the Sleazy Pimp.
i am the Drug Dealer.
i am the one you throw your stereotypes on.
i am the minority you want to categorize.
i am the minority you fear.
i am the minority you rule.
i am the minority you monopolize.
i am all of these and none of these.

sadly, i am white.
i am just like you.
i am just like you as any one of these.
i am just like you when not one of these.
you don't see it the right way.
you don't see the similarity in our differences.
all you want is our deference.
because you're in power.

i am Troy Davis.
i am Timothy McVeigh.
i am John Brown.
i am Fred Ahmed Evans.
i am Eric Harris.
i am Dylan Klebold.

and thanks to you, i am out of luck.
and thanks to you, i am forced down.
i am oppressed.
i am where i am.

and i think you know who i blame.

the white moderate (and why i am leaving "church" as it is commonly known)

2008-10-26T16:38:00.003-05:00

in this video i only see a handful of whites who are not police (in this particular case the police involved with Troy Davis have been accused of coercion to reach the verdict against Troy that's now nearly had him executed THREE times!...

"...I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.
...
We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people.
...
I had hoped that the white moderate would see this need. Perhaps I was too optimistic; perhaps I expected too much. I suppose I should have realized that few members of the oppressor race can understand the deep groans and passionate yearnings of the oppressed race, and still fewer have the vision to see that injustice must be rooted out by strong, persistent and determined action. I am thankful, however, that some of our white brothers in the South have grasped the meaning of this social revolution and committed themselves to it. They are still all too few in quantity, but they are big in quality. Some -such as Ralph McGill, Lillian Smith, Harry Golden, James McBride Dabbs, Ann Braden and Sarah Patton Boyle--have written about our struggle in eloquent and prophetic terms. Others have marched with us down nameless streets of the South. They have languished in filthy, roach infested jails, suffering the abuse and brutality of policemen who view them as "dirty nigger-lovers." Unlike so many of their moderate brothers and sisters, they have recognized the urgency of the moment and sensed the need for powerful "action" antidotes to combat the disease of segregation. Let me take note of my other major disappointment. I have been so greatly disappointed with the white church and its leadership. Of course, there are some notable exceptions.
...
But despite these notable exceptions, I must honestly reiterate that I have been disappointed with the church."

-Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr, "Letter from Birmingham Jail"

...and people wonder why i am so disillusioned with the church and can no longer stand to attend most churches. there is so much jovial worship and so little gritty action. where there is gritty action i am unable to be involved and thus i only witness the hollow-seeming worship. it is too hard. were i to ever find a church CENTERED on SERVICE to GOD AND MAN... well, i would be there. but i seek the kind of church that consists of several people committed to various types of service and love for Adonai and fellow man. so, with this i offer up my reasons for stepping out of the common visions of "church" among most people i know.

i also ask that any others who are disillusioned with church the way it's so commonly done, and seek something different, even if it doesn't turn out to be "better", then i would love community with you and the chance to discuss and eat with you and do whatever we feel should be done. let us serve our God and one another.

Peace.
Salaams.
Shalom.
Friede.
Pace.
Pax.

identity in you?

2008-10-22T21:43:00.003-05:00

they say i've got identity in you Jeshua, but they also say you don't love gay folks or black folks or Iraqi folks, that's why i don't think i want THAT identity, i know your justice is different from that of those that claim your name, but i can't handle it, i'm lost, unable to find just you, just you, simply you, where the hell are ya, i'm reaching out in every direction, to my friends, to my causes, joined NAACP SPUSA and one too many churches looking for me, not you just me, i got it wrong, and now i can't get it right.

how can you be so close and so far, how can i climb the highest mountain and somehow miss you, how can i seek justice the way i think you like it and never meet you in the streets, how can i be raised in the church only to founder at the age of 20, how can the church raise me and push me out of the nest, i don't really want church, i want community, i guess i was raised by one that has now morphed into counterfeit, counterfeit cash burns a different color, smoke traces give it away, put it to the test and it fails, see me hurting, no you don't, you're not looking, you're the counterfeit.

i can't find my identity anymore, i don't know where to start, i'm lost in a foreign state, a fresh foreign state of mind, i don't want a lot of readers i want the right ones, i want those i can read with weep with write with smoke cigars and drink with, all that in fellowship with the Rabbi, where did the Rabbi go that no one can show me what he looks like anymore?

a sip of peach tea i find refreshing, i watched a confusing movie today, wish i were home, wish i were at bcc even though i know i've outgrown it their too, not all change is bad but all change hurts sure as hell, i hate this limbo this extraordinary maze, where are you taking me you devilish white rabbit, you're such a pain to me right now, i really am in pain, can't you tell, stop running me in circles and stop for a second won't you, i need peace, i need restoration, i need community, i need identity.

but identity's gone, jumped the gun as i jumped off the wagon, joined a new caravan called college again, they say it'll make me smarter, what if cigars i've never tried are all that i want, what do you say to that you pristine white-washed vanities of vacancy of vision, invest in someone won't you, invest in a man in need of a heart transplant and stop shoving me those bandaids damnit!

God, sweet sweet God, i want what you give, what you have given, what you always give me, i guess i lost it somewhere along the way, did i deny it or have it robbed from me, only a few remotely understand me and that number diminishes, i know i'm not alone but i see so few who are fighting for what i'm fighting for, i'll continue to pray with her, it's been a while since that act, i miss our prayers every night, her sweet soft voice saying amen and good night, i miss knowing she was with me on it, but i stopped praying with her each night and i blame me alone, i am the cause of my problems, i want to come back, but i don't even know which way to go!

i had another chance to find communion tonight, but like so many beyond the walls of the "church" i refused the chance, gave myself an excuse, i've been hurt so many times as i've sought companionship in you Rabbi, don't make me try it again in the wrong place, i'll join the ranks of the gas station guy, he with his beautiful broken eyes, he and i the same are crippled and killed by the christian church, i find more peace with him than i have in a "church building" in a year or so now.

i don't know what i did but i have become your judas.

Nudes. Beauty. Truth.

2008-10-14T17:58:00.006-05:00

last month i was on a walk with my girlfriend, Ashley, and we spent the afternoon meeting her father and getting her registered to vote. equally important as the rest is the fact that she and i walked into a local art gallery on Main and surveyed everything in the shop, from the glass ornaments to the wood furniture to the knit scarves and gloves, to the photographs to the paintings of nude women toward the back of the shop.

it was in this back corridor that she and i viewed some of the most beautiful nudes i've every seen! these women were by no means the norm of the modern playgirl. these women were not huge, but they were also not radically thin. though i can't find this individual artist's work, these following paintings are similar to the styles of the paintings in the gallery, except that those in the gallery were more impressionistic.

somewhere along the way men lost their concept of true beauty and fell for a forfeit and now are more pleased by a frail, thin body with little brains beneath glossy hair and plastic "improvements".

what happened to the love of the kind of woman who'd been made of more than a body? what happened to the truth of a beautiful woman who had more to her than a petite frame that's more "aesthetically pleasing"?

a more matronly look was once considered true beauty, not more than 100 years ago!

it seems to me that in the days of such an image of beauty, women were more concerned with other aspects of their lives. now men enforce this image of objectification where all women have to do is look good.

we men become men when we objectify a woman by forcing her to become less than the complex, multi-dimensional daughter of someone that she is.

it's interesting that to be beautiful you have to be thin, and to be thin you have to buy into the lie that you can't possibly be good enough, beautiful enough, or absolutely incredible enough, in any other way. by forcing the obsession with image, men continue to belittle every other aspect of a woman.

it's so wrong.
the truth is that beauty really has nothing to do with what you look like, although you can certainly look beautiful (as Ashley does)!
in reality beauty is in who a person is, how complex they are, what they live for, breathe in, fight for, care for, worry about, struggle with, burn for and think about... Ashley is so beautiful in every way, and i find it a lot healthier to be obsessed with her in all these other ways than to be obsessed with maintaining her in a certain image. she's NO object! and thankfully she'd never let me forget that! :)

...
and now, in the words of Orwell, witness another declaration of true Beauty:

"Tirelessly the woman marched to and fro, corking and uncorking herself, singing and falling silent, and pegging out more diapers, and more and yet more. He wondered whether she took in washing for a living or was merely the slave of twenty or thirty grandchildren. Julia had come across to his side; together they gazed down with a sort of fascination at the sturdy figure below. As he looked at the woman in her characteristic attitude, her thick arms reaching up for the line, her powerful mare-like buttocks protruded, it struck him for the first time that she was beautiful. It had never before occurred to him that the body of a woman of fifty, blown up to monstrous dimensions by childbearing, then hardened, roughened by work till it was coarse in the grain like an over-ripe turnip, could be beautiful. But it was so, and after all, he thought, why not? The solid, contourless body, like a block of granite, and the rasping red skin, bore the same relation to the body of a girl as the rose-hip to the rose. Why should the fruit be held inferior to the flower?

'She's beautiful,' he murmured.

'She's a metre across the hips, easily,' said Julia.

'That is her style of beauty,' said Winston."

on behalf of myself, Winston, Orwell, and the men and women that think, i say ALL WOMEN are beautiful. don't change. :)

It's a new world - it's a new start

2008-10-14T08:05:00.003-05:00

Here I am - this is me
There's no where else on earth I'd rather be
Here I am - it's just me and you
And tonight we make our dreams come true

It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of young hearts
It's a new day - it's a new plan
I've been waiting for you
Here I am

Here we are - we've just begun
And after all this time - our time has come
Ya here we are - still goin' strong
Right here in the place where we belong

Here I am - this is me
There's no where else on earth I'd rather be
Here I am - it's just me and you
And tonight we make our dreams come true

Here I am - next to you
And suddenly the world is all brand new
Here I am - where I'm gonna stay
Now there's nothin standin in our way
Here I am - this is me

... I stated a new life last month. Now I'm no longer living with my partens and all my friends and I don't live in the place where I have spend all my life... It's strange because it's a new life.
Everything is new, everything is unknown for me and I need to make my way on my own.

I moved out becuase I started my studies at the University of Applied Sciences in Worms.
Now I'm studiing Tourism.
It's a new world for me. I need to deal with everything on my own and that's not always that easy
...BUT...
I like it this way!
I love to wake up alone in the morning and there's no one I need to share the bathroom with.
I can leave my flat whenever I want to and there's no one I need to tell where I'm going to.
I can watch on TV whatever I want to see.
I live my own life!

And even if I think I'm alone in this strange city, I know that I'm not!
God is with me. He helps me, he supports me, he leads me and he guides me!

I hope God blesses you as much as he blesses me at the moment!
Love
-Krissi

Freedom of Speech... French Style!

2008-10-01T14:14:00.004-05:00

when upset about a government policy or action there is but one thing to do to voice your anger:

burn a car.

-/-/---

France, though they are often insulted in ways that would make any national of any such country bristle and buckle, is seemingly a more impressively democratic nation than the United States, or Great Britain.

the French seem to take to the streets at the slightest hint of unfairness within government policies.

but then, who says there's anything slight about racism, unemployment, homelessness, and ghetto-style poverty?

i know why they did it then in 2005.
i know why they continue to fight back.
i know that they are not alone in their anger.

LAISSEZ FAIRE: Dedicated to the uninsured 47 million Americans.

2008-09-25T16:06:00.003-05:00

Laissez Faire

generally adored
this system fortunato
rarely abhored
maker of the ghetto

in a country hailed
by three hundred million hearts
covered if failed
with doctored charts

we hide the effects
defy the attacks
coming from rejects
lost with no chance

highest bidder, step up!
fight for your cash
and trample the Gallop
see? ain't no backlash!

we keep 'em down n' broke
what they got to take?
might be the stroke
or backyard snake

build my empire on your back
you slave, slave away for me
i cut your paycheck
damnit, don't cry when you bleed!

you're gonna stain my Persian
walk out of here and stay
i give you compensation
to keep the Wobblies at bay

don't try to organize
put those chains back on!
when you gonna realize
life ain't fair to a peon!

we switch it up now, boss
we take back the mic
you gonna hafta cut your loss
or we goin' on strike!

don't tell us what to do
we know what's ours to claim
and we gonna take it, too!
you didn't listen--damn shame

we want healthcare--swear it!
you've killed too many
we're gonna live--declare it!
no more big money

i'm gonna tell my kids to come
what corporations got wrong
tell 'em what is good n' done
apologize it took so long

you can have your competition
just don't shoot craps with strife
wheel n' deal to bold fruition
but give us liberty n' life!

--

pax.

must be that the world's gone lame.

2008-09-21T15:01:00.004-05:00

i found this horrifying article last night after reading 90+ pages from a book i had to read for history class (which ironically ties in because the last two chapters of this book detail the 1899 Newsies strike in New York City, and several subsequent strikes shortly after the turn of the century).

this article, found on my Yahoo! browser as i went to check my e-mail last night right after grabbing some dinner and returning to my room, lit a fire in my idling heart.

i am reading a powerful book written by the honored Dr. King, Why We Can't Wait, in 1963. it has touched something in my warring, violent heart that i thought i had dealt with and reasoned away.

i thought i'd finally come to grips with a philosophy called "Christian Realism", which entails a desire for peace via peaceful methods, but a realisation that there are certain situations in this world, ALL (in my belief) affecting civilian casualties and the defense thereof. it is the belief that Dietrich Bonhoeffer acted justly in his reaction to Hitler's war on the Jews and half the modern world over 60 years ago. Bonhoeffer, a German minister, was in league with a group intent on assassinating the Fuehrer. and on numerous occasions they very nearly did. and as a result many of them, brother Dietrich included, were executed within a narrow margin of War's End in Europe.

so that's where i think i normally am. i spend my time reading the writings of men like Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, Reinhold Niebuhr, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and (most painfully and obviously) my dear brother Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., the one i feel closest to as i read his words or hear his voice.

and, like i said, it is painful to read Martin's words on peace and nonviolent resistance.
it is hard to feel so strongly against oppression and know that there are situations in which i would take up arms to defend the weak, the poor, the oppressed, and frankly any kid who needed help and couldn't get it any other way.

but then, there are situations where nonviolence works to get the point across, if not to completely begin a surge in liberation... though in the case of the US Civil Rights Movement it is often a longer, slower battle to continue to suffer for.

i found a video today that changed my perspective on other social struggles and movements around the world in which nonviolence is used and definitely gets the point across.

EZLN supporters (i.e. the People) storm a military outpost, unarmed. i'm not sure what's going on or what their intent is as they storm in, but it's the coolest thing ever to watch them break the barbed wire fence and march right up into the outpost, forcing the ARMED soldiers back against the walls of the central building.

just watch. there's hope in nonviolence that i didn't know existed beyond these borders.
blows me away!

26

2008-09-19T21:58:00.004-05:00

the windshield wiper's been at it for a few minutes. it's starting to thump against the car.

hustle, bustle, and, so much muscle
cells about to separate
i find it hard to concentrate
and, temporary this
cash and carry 'em
stepping up to indicate
the time has come to deviate

the rain pours harder. i grip the wheel with my left hand, holding on tight as the curves wind.

and, all i want is for you to be happy
and, take this moment to make you my family
and, finally you have found something perfect
and, finally you have found...

my right hand is so blessed as to be interlocked with yours. you lean toward me in your seat, fingers rapt with mine.

death defying this
mess i'm buying its
raining down with love and hate
now, i find it hard to motivate

the tires peel and turn as i speed on to my house to show off my amazing best friend-turned-love.

and, estuary is, blessed but scary
heart's about to palpitate
i'm not about to hesitate
and, want to treasure the rest of your days here
and, give you pleasure in so many ways dear

you speak loud enough to be heard over our new favorite song, telling me of your family, giving me more reason to love them and you.

and, finally you have found something perfect
and, finally you have found...
here we go

our windows are rolled down just enough, the rain-guards not really working and i don't care as my arms gets sprayed by the intoxicating rain.

do you want me to show up for duty?
and, serve this woman, and honor her beauty
and, finally you have found something perfect
and, finally you have found...

hungry and thirsty, still several tens of miles from a dinner we're incredibly late for, there's peace in your touch and the fleeting glance.

...yourself... with me, will
you, agree to take this man
into your world
and now, we are as one

i'm blown away by who you are, where you're from and that you have faith in us despite neither of us having a great track record.

my lone ranger
the, heat-exchanger
is, living in this figure eight
now i do my best to recreate
and, sweet precision
and, soft collision
heart's about to palpitate
now i find it hard to separate

i am broken, my past the rap sheet of a criminal of the heart. too many broken behind me, my own in shambles...

and, all i want is for you to be happy
and, take this woman and make you my family
and, finally you have found someone perfect
and, finally you have found...

you are perfect, the beautiful woman i love and will hold and hold dear forever. i want you and you alone.

all i want is for you to be happy
and, take this woman and make you my family
and, finally you have found someone perfect
and, finally you have found...
Yourself...

as the final word rings out i look into your eyes a second longer than you'd like as the road blurs beneath us.

as the final ring is cast and dyed i breathe in something never tasted before. i know. i love you. te quiero tanto... tanto... tanto... tanto... tanto.....

[lyrics by Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Hard to Concentrate", sentences written entirely, completely genuinely, by me]

Two.

2008-09-19T11:20:00.004-05:00

"Inti and Ricardo ran into some small boys and went to the house of a young peasant with six children, who received them very well and gave them a lot of information... Posing as one of Inti's assistants, i went to talk to the peasant... He told us about other peasants, but we could not be entirely confident about his information because he was not very specific. El Medico [Moro] treates the children who had worms and a mare had kicked one of them; then we headed off."
--February 9 & 10 [1967]
--Ernesto 'Che' Guevara's Bolivian Diary

"As Jesus continued on toward Jerusalem, he reached the border between Galilee and Samaria. As he entered a village there, ten lepers stood at a distance, crying out, 'Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!' He looked at them and said, 'Go show yourselves to the priests.' And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy."
--Verses 11-14 of Chapter 17
--Luke's Gospel, New Living Translation

two revolutionaries interested in the health and reality of the people around them as they strive to make a change.

both died by the age of 40, working, fighting, labouring, striving, living, dying for the people they cared for and loved.

Salaams.

Loophole Legislation (that makes me want to use strong language)

2008-09-09T08:00:00.004-05:00

I was reading about something last night that successfully pissed me off and nearly sent me into an outrage!
the downside of this well-meaning outrage was that there's really no longer anyone alive responsible for it and it's results that i could do any damage to.

so i let the initial reactionary feelings rest.

but the idea started working on me and i started writing something down last night...

first, here's what i was reading about. maybe for some of my readers this is a familiar old term:

The Pupil Placement Law.

1954--Brown v. Board of Education--Segregation outlawed because nothing can ever really be "separate but equal."

here's what the famed brother, Dr. King, had to say about it,

"There was another factor in the slow pace of progress, a factor of which few are aware and even fewer understand. It is an unadvertised fact that soon after the 1954 decision the Supreme Court retreated from its own position by giving approval to the Pupil Placement Law. This law permitted the states themselves to determine where school children might be placed by virtue of family background, special ability and other subjective criteria. The Pupil Placement Law was almost as far-reaching in modifying and limiting the integration of schools as the original decision had been in attempting to eliminate segregation. Without technically reversing itself, the Court had granted legal sanction to tokenism and thereby guaranteed that segregation, in substance, would last for an indefinite period, though formally it was illegal."
---Martin Luther King, Jr., Why We Can't Wait

this is the part of the book at which i immediately yelled out my favourite expletive... probably more than once. it's a good thing i was in a pretty much empty campus parking lot (although ironically 10 minutes beforehand a campus police cruiser had driven up behind me, probably smelling for pot smoke, since i generally dress the perfect part of the druggie hippie).

i think i stood up and threw my hands in the air in exasperation and swore some more, beginning to pace, FURIOUS.

sadly of course, i can't REALLY blame all whites for that. as much as i wanted so badly to do so. at that moment i know i would have offered some very choice words to those Supreme Court Justices if they had somehow shown their face on my campus. and i probably would have been so vocal that that squad car that sniffed me would be back in a flash to lock me up for "disturbing the peace".

and to think that allowing segregation to continue, when they did, wasn't an act of gregariously disturbing the peace!

finally realizing there was nothing i could do to change the past, i pulled out a notebook from my satchel on the curb, took a swig from my water bottle and pulled my pen out of my pocket, leaning against a small tree to begin writing something i'm surprised i can still read, for my hands were shaking with anger as the ink flowed...

"Loophole Legislation--9.8.08

Words like 'as best seen fit' are Bull. if the president/congress/or powers that be promise financial aif to a region or country in need of reconstructionary funding, then nowhere in the written promisory note can ambiguous wording, such as that often used for the betterment of the U.S. Constitution, be applied. If it is, there is a negative legislative loophole.

If not, there is a good loophole in the system based on greed, and said moneys may actually make it into greater manifestation among the people for whom it is intended."

as i finished writing last night, i recalled to memory a scene from the film Amazing Grace, in which the abolitionists in the British Parliament drafted a simple law that endangered British sailing vessels as they tried to hide under the neutral flag of the colonies, as those particular vessels carried slaves from Africa to the Isles. if suddenly all ships in those waters bearing the flag of the colonies could become fair game, then the slave trade would be greatly hindered for too many sailors and captains would be too afraid to make that journey knowing they were suddenly viable targets for enemy warships.

if there can be a good piece of loophole legislation like that, then there's certainly something that can be done today to look out for the interests of the masses and the oppressed. the problem is that today there's probably some way to pay closer attention and with a federal system in place, relying also on the permissions of a presidential and executive voice, then it's a lot harder to pass legislation so quickly that could truly benefit those already downtrodden by the law.

anyone have any ideas on this? what if i could actually get my readership to come forward and comment in larger numbers and assist me in the struggle to find a way to pass a protectorate law WITHOUT ambiguous wording...

will anyone please help me?

my father said something in church last week about how so many church-goers complain about change in the church and want things to be done the same old way. he then said that so many get so frustrated and upset about change occurring within a church body, and said that he holds out on giving this response one-on-one, but went ahead and said to the larger group:

"if you're going to get upset about something, let's get upset about AIDS in Africa, starving children or the situation in Darfur. Let's make it about something that matters for crying out loud!"

on that note, i ask you:

will you stand up and not get pissed about the words i use to describe things that i hate, to describe injustice that is unfit for human witness! these stronger words should mean nothing to you in comparison with the greater evils i'm telling you about!

stand against racism
stand against hate
stand against poverty
stand against slavery
stand against apartheid
stand against injustice!

i wish the unrest of God's spirit to be upon you until you take action.
may peace flee from your heart until peace and rest are gained for the world.
--BENEDICTION--

first. drink it black.

2008-09-08T06:51:00.004-05:00

i've been up for ALMOST an hour at this point this morning.

i've gotten into the habit lately of spending nearly at least an hour on the phone with a particular loved one every night (at least while i'm away at school). that tends to make me tired, but for some reason i get up really bloody early anyway.

the clock read 11.57 when i hit the pillow last night and about 7.03 when i rose this morning, my body itching incessantly on my legs, my arm.

i've got poison ivy. again. it normally lasts me about a month. hopefully not this time. i've caught it early and applied calomine lotion this morning, then came back to my dorm room, put on the coffee, and watched a ridiculously pointless fake video called 'Everyday Normal Guy', and showed it to my roommate.

poured some cereal, it's got real strawberries in it :) and Silk Soymilk. pretty healthy, and should be vegan, too, i think :) :)

coffee stopped choking and bubbling about five minutes ago and i poured it into a mug. took the first sip.

i drink it black. Imogen Heap's playing loud into my ears. Hide and Seek.

without a mug of coffee every morning, i get a caffeine headache. but i think i wrote about that some time last year, probably...

i was starting to get a vague headache until that first sip. the first sip is really good.

how great is it that i start the day with a hot mug of bold black coffee and a conversation with God, and that i finish out the day with another conversation with God and a great conversation with her! i am blessed. :)

i lose

2008-09-07T09:31:00.005-05:00

one of my favourite games of all time is Risk.
i think i have this vague sense that at some point in history i won that game once.
but as a general rule, i know i always lose.

and yet it is still among my favourites.
while sitting here before church, reading about suffering for the Name (a Name i believe is also so often attributed to true justice and righteous acts for the sake of the people) from the sermon on the mount, and listening to Coldplay's Viva la Vida, it occurred to me exactly why i love that game so much!

i love fighting hard--to the last man--until my imminent defeat against an enemy so big that i know they'll crush me, but until that moment, until that day, I'LL GIVE 'EM HELL!

in that sense it feels like reality, the way i expect my life to play out if God puts me where i think he'll put me--
before an unjust enemy.

write your letters
grit your teeth
say your prayers
lock and load.

routinized, scrutinized, mutinized

2008-09-03T14:13:00.003-05:00

two of the title words are not recognized by the google dictionary spellings. they're not usually turned into verbs in this way, they are meant to be nouns and things that just happen without any intent. overtly.

however, i feel like college has begun to routinize me, which is not exactly what i would desire for myself, or for anyone i care about. it strips away my ability to frequently make random calls and break from the "normal". classes are great, as i've already said, but i feel mildly constrained by the routine that these classes are pushing on me.

it makes sense to me then that i scrutinize the system that does this to me. after all, are we not taught to think for ourselves in school? ;) i'm not trying to write this in an annoying way, or a rebellious manner. i say this pretty light-heartedly, but i like to examine the vague irony of it. i am routinized by things that i love, and by someone i love, whose voice every night is so calming and intoxicating that it soothes my mind and body to sleep, even if my heart denies me sleep by pounding fiercely inside my tossing and turning body, until i wrap my arms around my pillow and "pretend i am kissin the lips that i am missin".

that's the kind of routine i used to hate about having a girlfriend, but things have changed since that sort of routine came after getting to know her so much better on a friendship level for nearly two months, spending at least an hour or two in conversation with her nearly every single day, face to face, shopping with her for foods both of us can eat, sodas she'll make me finish after her first sip, and tiny pieces of manufactured and discovered oddities in jewelry stores that accentuate beautiful characteristics of her or of any other soul that dons them.

the routine of her voice every night these past two weeks has been really helpful for me. and really enlightening, as well.

so, due to the scrutiny
i've placed on the layers of routine
that affect my every day's and "some day's"
i have determined that i will break away from all of the unhealthy routines
and focus only on the healthy ones, allowing the rest to fit in place
and my branching out--i'll call it mutiny--
will allow me to make some changes
in the way this world views justice.

i declare mutiny against the harmful status quo.

i may only have a semester here at this particular institution, which means i've got a few months to make a mark and make sure as many in the region as possible, are aware of injustice on a global scale, and have begun to find methods of fighting back.

routine scrutinized produces mutiny.

i like it this way ;)

~a poli sci major~

2008-08-27T10:17:00.006-05:00

that's what i am.
and i'm proud of it
excited for it
intoxicated by it

never thought i'd see the day where i'd love class ha!
not when i was in seventh grade, no way, man!

but here i am, loving all my classes!

it's strange, but totally cool!

you know it's a good class when you're unable to sit still, leaning forward too eagerly, laughing too much, and smiling like an idiot. normally those would all be signs of lunacy. or, perhaps, even now they are! either way, i've really enjoyed my four classes so far!

Chinese 101: Introduction to Chinese
Political Science 130: American Government
Political Science 280: Comparative Political Systems
History 202: American History 1877-Present

this morning, sitting in my Pols 130 class, i couldn't help but feel a lot like i do when i listen to Coldplay's 'Viva la Vida'! yesterday afternoon, for class, i read the Declaration of Independence and was struck by the similarities of all the things Jefferson indicated warranting a revolt, and all the things that've pissed me off about the Bush administration.

the problem is that there's not enough to engage the masses in such a movement against the standing government. the Declaration even outlines the need and permissions for "abolishing" the government if "abuses" continue. Jefferson also makes allowance for the larger portion of the colonists being willing to "suffer, as long as evils are sufferable" and to feel no larger reason to take action and declare a new Rule.

at this point, in all fairness, what i perceive to be evils in the current government's way of handling things, are not entirely insufferable. i recognize that there is little that can be done at this point, save from joining movements that wage a more figurative war, fought by the People and for the People, in the modes of the common People.

armed struggle is not even yet a remote option. there's not yet any need. as long as there is any semblance of democratic form in the government that stands in reign today, there is certainly apt opportunity to change for the better, to sacrifice the goods of the few for the good of the many.

i am not opposed to armed struggle under duress, in such a situation as it becomes the unavoidable last straw.

UPRISING, the film:

the Jews are being marched out of the ghetto for the express purpose of being carted out to the concentration camps and extermination camps.

a covert handful of the Jews is armed.

as they turn a corner and the column of Nazi troops is no longer connected in a direct line, madness and chaos interrupt the stoic march as this collective of citizen-soldiers opens fire on the soldiers that would coral them to their deaths.

one bullet, one Nazi.

in this firefight there is an open for hope to eek into the darkness of the ghetto.

the Nazis take a surprisingly long time to deal with the uprising, and by the time everything is dealt with, entire companies of soldiers have been exhausted against less than 50 untrained, passionate rebels.

it's in this saga of struggle and sweat and blood that some of the Jews make it to freedom via the sewers. in this saga justice is the victor.

...

i am a political science major, hell-bent on bringing heaven to earth, even if for a fleeting moment, in the lives of the oppressed.

i don't want enemies, but it comes with the territory.

it's the kind of life and future that i must lay everything else down for, and it is so incredibly exciting to be getting more and more involved with other people who are willing to fight and die for such a beautiful cause as justice, for such a sacredness as Shalom.

i'm going deeper.
the oxygen down here is sparse
many will fall back before the end
many will faint
and before i can even get there
many will be lost

but i will not stop.
as long as there is injustice in the world, the Christian's work is not finished.
the Disciple of a Just God must learn to love Justice... and to love it so much that the thirst for it burns in their throat in the most difficult of global regions, while they know that there will be no way to quench such a divine thirst without expending oneself completely in the struggle for truth and beauty and justice.

let it be a final song, perfectly in tune with God's greatest masterpiece!

Shalom, sisters and brothers.

to be is not to be good enough, right? wrong...

2008-08-03T23:30:00.004-05:00

a lot of people i trust have told me that God really just wants us to BE with him, to delve in his presence and exist side-by-side, heart-to-heart.

i believe that
but indelibly
i recognize i am a flawed reflection
of that.

as i'm going to divulge later to a dear friend and confidant, in far more detail than i shall here, i have realized that i fall into the trap of either of two extremes...

i either focus immensely on doing too much and planning too much for my life in the future, as well as in the present, or i fail to plan, entirely, and the moment the hope of something in the future fails, i feel as though i am truly alone, and i start wishing i had an other person with whom things could be... "significant."

and then usually, that doesn't end up getting me anywhere without too much pain, for i fail to factor in all that i've ever hoped to DO, and the BEING of that relationship fails.

kapput.

back to square one.

and the moment i plan too much i am attacked for not giving God room to work in my life and in my future, and i am forced to reckon with my loneliness again, even though i was doing a darn good job keeping it at bay as long as i had a task at hand or even simply a few distant, adventurous goals.

i don't like that i do this, and perhaps i'm not the only one struggling with this, but i am the only one who's made it plain to my brain that anyone's dealing with this. ergo, i shall make plans, for to not have any plans would simply be too painful...

but maybe if i find a way to make room for God's plans along the way in mine, maybe then i'll get it right...

i just wonder what kind of girl would be willing to do a journey around southeast Asia, north Africa, or Latin America on motorcycle (or two) in the style of Ernesto Guevara's "Motorcycle Diaries"; what kind of girl would be willing to leave this country for long spurts at a time and travel spartan across deserts and jungles, just to find the truth of human rights in a given corner of earth; what kind of girl would be willing to put any remote possibility of family on hold for up to a decade simply to travel with me, with our God, and with our desire to serve anyone we encounter, at our own expense.

that's what i wonder, and that's why it's always looked easier to roll solo down the road.

God, since you're in charge, you tell me what i need to do, or how i need to be, ok?

ok.

thanks.

insurgency reports

2008-07-29T14:41:00.004-05:00

i went further into the wikipedia article covering Blackwater today and discovered, via a few links, al Basrah's Iraqi Insurgency Reports page.

it's interesting to read the difference in the incidents reported in recent days on the site, as opposed to those posted in 2006.

in 2006, most of their proud targets seem to be US and allied soldiers and marines.
in 2008, the tone changes and the targets seem to be primarily civilians.

insurgency is NOT illegal according to international law. in fact i completely understand the sentiments of the insurgents who want to fight back for control over their own fates. i don't believe we have a right to impose a government that's not wanted.
---
(i don't know the full situation in Iraq, so i won't start a tangent there, but i know that Somalis have been upset since December 06 when the US backed an Ethiopian invasion to install a secular government in Mogadishu, deposing the Islamic Courts Union after only six months of their stable rule in southern Somalia--the first stable government in 15 years! frankly, people are pissed, and things have gotten worse since they lost their own form of non-secular government. and maybe there's a similar thought among the many politically-minded Iraqi citizens, wishing they had their autonomy back.)
---
as i was saying, i understand the rise and reasons of the insurgency. it is perfectly legal, again, according to international law, if not local or state law...

HOWEVER: the LEGALITY of an "insurgency" drastically changes when CIVILIANS become TARGETS. and THAT is when it MUST be called what it is: illegal, criminal, terroristic crimes against humanity.

as i've said before, and i say often: i support the insurgents, just as much as i support the troops. i hate the war, and i hate the indiscriminate violence of both sides, though it's more-so being perpetrated by the insurgents.

these reports on al Basrah's website are chilling to read. it is strange to read reports of death or murder, at any rate, but when written so coldly, and nearly proudly, it is just sickening.

i don't know what is to be done in Iraq, or in Afghanistan (especially since i hear far less from the general media about the latter), but i know that the goals of both sides of the blood bath in Iraq (at least) have lost sight of their original goals and loyalties and LIMITS.

i pray for peace, and i pray for justice, and unless i am physically there, i don't know what else to do.

PAX.

Darfuri Mercenaries?

2008-07-29T08:35:00.005-05:00

as you know if you've read anything on here from last week, i've been coming to terms with a more active (rather than passive/pacifist) idea of justice.

i've been reading authors--trusted men--who wrote of ending violence and oppression with violence.

i've been struggling immensely in the past few years with this and, seeing now that either ideal fails me, i'm falling in line with "christian realism", a concept attributed to a christian ex-pacifist named Reinhold Niebhur.

he reasoned that this is a fallen world, where ideals such as ever-enforced, strict pacifism is no longer a realistic option.

violence should only ever be the last resort, when sanctions and politics and other forms of diplomacy and peaceful campaigns no longer work.

in Darfur, after about 5 YEARS, no such thing as peaceful attempts at change are working anymore.
Blackwater, yes Blackwater, has agreed to step in and train 1000 of the 9000 African Union Peacekeepers already in-country to be a mobile urgent-response force to combat Janjaweed and other factions preying on civilians in the region.

frankly, i never wanted the obstinate President Omar al-Bashir to ever let it get this far, but seeing as how he's not likely to turn himself in to the International Criminal Court and thus stem the onslaught in western Sudan, i am thankful that more immediate action will be taken to protect the civilians of Darfur who've already endured so much loss of life and livelihood.

i know there is much controversy surrounding the exact inner-workings of Blackwater. it's almost intimidating to think of how "organized" they are, according to Marshall Adame's comment.

but to be even more frank, this is likely the lesser of two evils, and i support upgraded protection of civilians whole-heartedly.

one hundred wonderful things that will never work out

2008-07-28T22:31:00.009-05:00

someday soon i'll just do it
just bite the bullet
take the verdict
to hear the truth that's been so pensive

i'll walk into your house
sit down across from you
fold my hands in front of me
and look at you in perfect seriousness
and i'll ask you out
and you'll say 'no'
and i'll ask you why
and you'll say so...

you'll give me reasons
things i can change
and others i cannot
i'll feel like crap
but i won't make you feel the same

i'll untangle my fingers from each other
and shakily shake your hand
i'll say 'thank you', rise from my chair
take my leave, and step out for some air.

standing on your porch
i'll give you exactly
one hundred nineteen seconds
without me

i'll wish that i smoked
and then i'll wish i had something to smoke
like a newport or a marlboro
they say i look like a camel light guy

but as i stand there alone
aggravation and a red face
i'll come slowly around to contentment
i'll think of you inside
you're one of my best friends, you know

i'll take a puff of the tobacco-less air
and make a list of one hundred wonderful things
that will never work out

and at the top of the list will be you and i
and at the bottom will be carving up Mars into apple pie

and realizing solemnly that it ain't that bad
i'll turn from my reverie and reach for the door

put out the cigarette never really in my hand
take a drag of the air and of God and of peace in the land

and when i come back in
you'll probably be laying down with the TV still on
maybe you've turned the volume back up

i'll say hey and drop my keys and wallet by the door
grab some cookies and fill my cup
and sink into my seat

we'll watch Mind Of Mencia like nothing had passed
we're back to normal again, sister
laughing with a really funny guy named Carlos
and i like it this way

i know that what i write here
i'll never ever say some day

it just helps me to write it
to picture it this way

knowing nothing could ever go wrong
as long as this is how it stays

in fact you'll probably never hear any word
or mention of this from me
i'll fail to ever tell you myself
how much i really do care about you
i know it won't work
but there's other things that don't either
apple pie in the sky among them

and i know that life rolls that way
i can roll with that too
thanks for your patience
i can really assure you
that these feelings are gone
by the end of a South Park or two

thanks for who you are
thanks for your coolness
and for not letting me slip away
no matter how many other people you bring into your life

in fact that's all i believe i ever worried for.
peace be with you, sister
and thanks for keeping me close by.

[photo from hamada's photostream on flickr.com]

what if i stumble, what if i fall?

2008-07-27T08:13:00.003-05:00

as Rob Bell has pointed out in one of his sermon's i've watched, everything is spiritual. there is to be no separation between our spirits and our bodies.

if that be the case then why do i struggle to stand so often?

i have many close friends whom i look to for guidance in life, people i imagine to be more strongly in touch with the Father. i look to them when i am weak in my walk. i look to them when i don't feel weak even (which may be when i am truly weakest, at times) and i see their example to be almost unattainable.

as many have struggled with over the years, i wonder if i am no longer simply IN the world, and if i've not become, somewhere along my self-infatuated path, OF the world.

in my efforts to be relevant i've only weakened the message and power of the Gospel.

each time i think i'm starting to get back on track i see that a friend is so much MORE excited about God than i am, and that they broadcast it more publicly than i. and i crumple, for i do not wish to be like them. i do not want to be known simply for shouting on and on of how much i'm in love with Jesus. i don't want to look to people like Jesus is all that i think about, though he most often is EXACTLY what i wish i could be channeled into 100% of the time. i just don't want to come across as though i'm saying i am "holier than thou". which is perhaps what i feel like when i look at others so seemingly in love with Jesus and at peace for it.

and this is the part in the story where i realize it is incredibly likely i am frankly OF the world.

and i don't know how to regain my stance of being in, and not of...

i see now that i am avoiding exactly what i want because i hate the idea of being titled and labeled and named as "one of them". it is not fear of association, as much as it is fear of being stuck, dependent under one title, one label alone.
and yet as much as i know my only real claim to any identity comes through Christ's claim on me, as a human trying to make an impact, and avoid stereotypes, i try to outrun his grace, love, and possession of my heart that i absolutely want him alone to have.

i am a stupid mule who is ignoring the call of the only farmer who will give me rest from the cold, tired world, just because i don't want to be seen as the one who wimped out and couldn't make it on his own. even though i know it is the best possible thing in this world for me, and maybe there's not even enough people watching me to see me "wimp out."

a strange place indeed, Watson.

"breathing through fear"

2008-07-24T14:16:00.005-05:00

two days ago i walked outside during my break in the middle of my math class in order to step into the warm, breezy, dark afternoon sphere that captivated my attention in every waking moment that day until i stood in it.

i had been reading a moving, strange poem written in 1968 by a man named Juan Gelman of Argentina, entitled "Conversations."

centered around the author's feelings in relation to the recent loss in the hero named Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, the words stirred in me a desire to write verse.

and after my walk, barefoot through the mud around a new building site on campus, i sat down in the classroom in the moments before we reinitiated the lecture and put pen to the paper, finding within me, these words:

"Breathing Through Fear"
[Archer. 22 July 2008]

it's funny to me the heads that turn
the eyes that burn into me, my jacket,
my beloved Esther alive in earth tones,
ensconced in warm dirt and clay.

i walk unshod
the sole figure
an embraced soul
the bleedings soles
through the mud
and burning sand
spirit in hand
the wind dies
to just a whisper
i tread through treads
of yellow beasts far bigger than i
holding my own
breathing through fear
thick in the air
He in my ear
He, the wind, and my warm feet
what else could i need?

.PAX.
-Archer

a journey renewed... again.

2008-07-24T13:59:00.003-05:00

if anyone reading this has known me well for over a year you'll definitely recognize these sentiments, especially if i knew you at the end of my spring semester at Lakeland. and there may be a few of you who recognize these exact thoughts if i spoke with you about this in Africa.

i wrote this a week ago in an attempt to understand myself and get some things out on paper. it was unfinished, but maybe i'll like it better this way.

--

my mind is racing. the Jesus of Peace. the God of Justice--would they think this right?
a monster taking on the bigger monster.
theoretically, in being armed, i can kill.
i can take life. not yet, for i am thus far unarmed,
but in the future. three, four, maybe five years, and i'll have the capacity.
but can i pull the trigger?
what hat will i wear?
will i be undercover?
will i be a badge?
or don a suit?
what about combat boots, camo, and a bandana?
will i go guerilla to "seek justice"?
will i be seen as a terrorist, murderer, snake?

or will i even ever really take a life?
in defending the poor and oppressed, will the Prince of Peace fade to the background?
will his call be lost in gunfire?
will i ignore his will?

if no one is to perish, perhaps i can help, and simply aim low-- just high and hard enough to bring them down so they cannot rise again.

can i shatter your bones in your legs and kick your face into the mud and know that you'll walk away from your crime?

--

tell me what you all think, please. every time i think this way i find something that swings me back to the other extreme end of the pendulum and i loathe any hint of violence.

and then again i see violence succeed in releasing captives of cruelty.
and then i remember there's no such thing as redemptive violence.
and then i think to myself, "is rescuing violence the same as redemptive violence?"

war is not the answer. invasion is wrong. occupation is wrong. but what about insurrection? what about violent uprising within a country in order to gain liberation?

i am stuck. i could go for a coffee date or a phone call with anyone interested in talking about this stuff.

peace.
amani.
veritas.

Cambodia-Phnom Penh-Tuol Sleng

2008-07-02T12:52:00.004-05:00

three times now since waking up today, Cambodia's come to mind.

punjabican and i are coming to a place where our futures after college are nearing rapidly and we need to get a strong jump on exactly what will be involved in the process of metamorphosis between college and 'the real world'. though i understand the sentiment and reality of college being its own safe little world, i've also come to find that there is a great deal that is accessible in my life at this point.

i think that up until this point i've blinded myself to the options due to my location in nearly rural Indiana... a place i'm still hardly fond of, all things considered.

but now i'm starting to realize i really need to break out of this self-inflicted coma and strike out into the world bravely and recklessly. i've held back for fear of dead-ending (but worse dead-end can you come to than an intentional stand-still?) and for fear of not knowing enough and not being able to do anything. ignorance was never really bliss for me, because i've always wanted to learn that which i do not already know. and now that i'm learning more and more i only find my past and present ignorance to be an aggravation i wish to have dealt without.

i wish people here in the western world knew more about people beyond their borders, our borders... i wish people here cared about the Khmer Rouge's devastating affects, and knew what language is spoken in countries in the Horn of Africa, and knew how many years people have been held captive by FARC in Colombia, and understood what overpopulation can do to a country that is becoming the economic forefront with no moral accountability from the international community.

i wish a lot of things. i wish people didn't want to wage war on other people they don't understand. i wish they would change their minds.

so i pray for them, i pray for the future that people who learn and know and realise will be able to affect in some way. i pray that i can be effective as well in causing change.

i wish americans and the rest of us ruling the western world (and everyone underneath us) could learn to "...live simply so that others may simply live."

three times now since waking up today, Cambodia's come to mind. i'm not sure where to start, i'm relatively certain that people simply won't care about an aging museum documenting lost lives and forgotten atrocities, despite the fact that it's invaluable history is crumbling and yellowing and fading and walking precariously near the edge of oblivion and the unknown.

i don't think you will care to look anything up that i mentioned in here, after reading this. but i hope you will.

punjabican and i are aspiring to go to Tuol Sleng, a museum in Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia, that's taken a stand in the former prison building, known as S-21, where all the people whose faces and stories adorn the walls were executed en masse simply because the Khmer Rouge wanted to revitalize a nation 30 years ago...
we dream of being able to go to this museum and spend several months photographing and scanning everything into an electronic vault where it should hopefully never be forgotten. we're also hoping for grant money to stabilize the museum itself and all its displays of lives lost. though the specifics are not yet managed, this is our hope, and maybe God will see fit to send us to a forgotten place to help people everywhere else remember them.

please pray for us, pray for an end to ignorance around the world and in your own homes and schools.

Asanteni sana, watu wangu!

Peace be with you.

Change

2008-06-30T09:49:00.006-05:00

Last time I talked to Asher on the phone, he asked me to blog again... so I do so. =)

At the moment so many things are going on in my life. It's not only that I finished school and got my ‘Abitur’ and that I had my graduation party last Friday. It's more than that.
A new part of my life will start tomorrow. I'll start to work in a well-known hotel not too far away from my home.
First I’ll work in the sales-office, afterwards in the restaurant and in my third month I’ll work at the front desk.
I’m some kind of looking forward but on the other side I’m pretty afraid.
I don’t know why but I’m afraid of all these changes.
No more school, all my friends are leaving and everything is changing... Some of my friends go to Canada, others travel Europe, some will work all summer long and some will join the armee for one year.
I’m afraid of losing contact and I’m afraid of the future.

Sometime changes are like adventures but if the changes are too huge they just frighten me.
And all of a sudden it has all changed and I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

Sugababes - Change

But sometimes

I just can't
I just don't understand
Why you had to go
I guess I'll never know

Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
Change

And sometimes
I just cry
Can't say I
Don't know why
Why'd you have to go?
And leave me here alone

You don't see it coming
Change
When the future comes knocking
It changed
It can make you and break you too
You'd just have to make it through

God bless you
-Krissi

unbreakable: three words brought to you by Bruce Willis

2008-06-22T12:11:00.003-05:00

i recently watched the film 'Unbreakable' with my mom, sister, and brother, while dad was out of town. i'm talking about the one by M. Night Shyamalan starring Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson.

i was thinking about how Bruce Willis' character, David Dunn, actually does something about the horrible crimes he learns of, and fights back to rescue people and to bring justice.

if we know that something is going wrong, and we know we can keep someone from getting hurt... why don't we?

i could have gone deeper and written more, but i think those three words are all that need saying:

if we can help people, save people, rescue people,

WHY
DON'T
WE?

How to NOT vote pro-life:::

2008-05-19T08:20:00.003-05:00

i read this on my friend Kristy's sister-in-law's blog...

http://theheidaway.blogspot.com/2008/05/now-this-just-makes-me-angrydoes-it-not.html

i work at Target, pushing carts. i see a lot of bumper stickers in a given day.

i see this one a lot, surprisingly:

"i vote pro-life". an american flag waves in the background.

this sticker reeks of two things i hate.
1. nationalism (as a Christian recognizing a global family, christian and non-christian, this is elementarily disgusting and elitist as a concept--especially when it provokes war)
2. the term pro-life (which in-and-of-itself should be concerned with ALL HUMAN LIFE. not so, with the republican party, whom i would imagine they are meaning to show support for, by donning this sticker)

"pro-life" should mean what it says, but since there's not one political party (i can find) that dodges nationalism and a pro-death stance... i think it's BS to vote for any single party ALL the TIME!

don't tell me you vote pro-life. we can't vote pro-life. i can't vote pro-life, but i can try to influence senators and representatives and candidates for all positions of power to lean away from killing american babies too, since at least the democrats are less happy about killing Iraqi babies, so far.

i hate double standards.

get angry. tell somebody else. try to change things and REALLY work for a pro-life stance. right now, obviously not enough people are.

and yes, i have every intention of tagging every single person in my friends list. hopefully i'll get a reaction, sisters and brothers.

instead of "voting pro-life", elect to live pro-life!

PAX.

you provoke me

2008-05-07T12:21:00.004-05:00

crawling in the mud, sticking to your fingers, caking your face. you belly down and ease so slowly, silently toward the goal.

the enemy standing at the gate. beyond it is all you ever cared about gaining.

behind you is all you ever cared about--lost.

at this pinnacle... this dare-devil collage of thoughts and racing hearts, your chest burns with everything you've ever felt.

swirling into one surge, one un-dying urge--a tornado of truth and heart.

you have nothing to hold you back any more. between the fences.

to attempt is to kill yourself. to forego, and remain, is suicide. if not worse.

when faced with the moment when the guard looks away, walks away, exists away from your goal--your promise--what not to do other than charge forth?

get up! go! race toward it with all your might!

even as the sights of so many guns bear down upon your bloody forelock, there is little left they can take.

when you can claim it all, just on the other side.

just outside the shiny barbed wire of Guantanamo, a boat is waiting to carry you away to your reality they tried to rob from you.

just JUMP!

God is jumping with you!

--

pax.

Food Not Bombs

2008-04-23T10:01:00.002-05:00

i just called their number that i found listed in a couple places online, and i talked to a very friendly and easy-going Desiree, who's gotten hundreds of calls, probably, as so many people have been looking for FNB apparently.

she took my email and is going to pass along that and my number to people she's in contact with where she's at in Bloomington now.

apparently they're going to be camping out in northern indiana to block the building of a mexico-canada interstate, this May.

i don't know if i can join them, but i'd love to once i learn more about the situation.

basically, this is pretty cool, just thought i'd share it since i feel like i could really get involved in some stuff now!

PAX.

oh the places i'll go!

2008-04-18T09:37:00.004-05:00

there's a forlorn city on the Horn of Africa that's been bombed to hell a thousand times over and the people are aching...

i want to go there.

there's an old prison-turned-museum where the photographs of history's victims are fading with age, in Cambodia...

i want to go there.

there's a 5,000-year-old city on the Syrian coastline that's full of old books with words that read from right to left...

i want to go there.

there's a country of real people outside the green-zone, where guns trounce dogs as man's best friend, and war rages...

i want to go there.

there's a world outside my world, beyond my New York Life, that bustles with real human heartbreak and laughter...

i want to BE there.

Adonai, my dad in Heaven, help me be as you.

i have a dilemma...

2008-04-15T23:33:00.003-05:00

...that makes me feel childish, yet i am nearly twenty.

it is possible that someone is reading this who knows very well the person to whom i am referring, when i state that i have likely royally screwed up a friendship with someone i never got the chance to get too close to, before i went and buggered it up with short-sighted remedies of simple anxiety. and now, i am afraid to lose her friendship because she seems really cool.

maybe i'll get another chance, but for the time being, pray as i might for things to return to normalcy, i have no idea how i must act to fix this for the long-term.

anyone who's known me more than a year can gather a fuller extent of info simply based on experience with me. yeah, it's probably what you're thinking. and yeah, i need help, and suggestions.

this'd be so much easier if i just knew more people here. then i'd have balanced everything out to begin with, but i didn't know hardly anyone else, so i messed up by focusing so intently on one friendship that i frankly blew a hole in whatever had been built up.

tonight i went out with some guys from church (all at least 3 or 4 years older than me, which made me feel special) to see Leatherheads, after watching some Rob Bell sermon stuff at bible study, and it was really helpful to get out again, with GUYS!!!! when the freak did THAT last happen?! it was cool.

balance is re-taking what it once held to its own, and hopefully with this balance, and with my striving to give her just the right amount of space, there will be healing, and i will rejoice in that. for now, though, i'm content to be working in the right direction, and asking God to help me get there.

pax, everyone.

so i made a short

2008-04-10T10:10:00.003-05:00

...it's all summed up from about 48 minutes of video i shot of a RISK board game with my brother and my dad, and then i've got some random footage from a walk through the park with my friend Christi the day prior. and then i needed some fun opener shots so i got some sunset-ish video during the game, right after one of my turns, and then i returned to find out that dad had rolled for me while micah was attacking me, and i had lost an army while the general was on leave... never. doing. that. again.

i had fun... there's a sequence of dice-rolling and troop-removing in the latter part that gets kinda tedious, but if you enjoy the song ("Silver and Cold" by A.F.I.) then you'll survive, i promise!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YovJIxBke1A

i'm already trying to plan my next short, but i need some actors... i need people willing to play as children. i need a bully, a nerd, a teacher, and a few extras... one way or another, i'll track you all down. i'm thinking of shooting at my church here in Lafayette, but i guess i gotta get some permission first. ;)

i'm planning on not being in front of the camera on this one, so um... have fun guys! tell me whatchya got!

Sunday!

2008-04-06T13:32:00.004-05:00

today is the first sunday i've had off work since like two months ago! the weather outside is bloody brilliant!

(here's a look at my view from the library's second floor! and then one of me, chillin here, too!)

in about an hour and a half i'll have walked across a lovely little wooden bridge over a creek through many green backyards, and arrived at the house of some friends from church where i'll be worshipping with them together in the setting of their home church... i.e. church done the way it once was, back 2000 years ago... including a taco bar when we're finished haha! (ok, maybe peter, paul, and mary never had quite this kind of fiesta, but you get the picture!)

i had a lovely lunch, drove around a bit with the windows down, blasting great music and enjoying the view (for once, Indiana's farms actually become incredibly appealing lol!) and now, as you know, i'm chillin at the library while micah reads and i watch a couple old-school episodes of Disney channel's 'So Weird'... from like seriously 6 or 7 years ago! man this show rocks!

as i've come to discover... Peace is good, it is very good indeed.

PAX.
-archer

confession (round 2)

2008-04-01T22:38:00.001-05:00

last May i posted about several major character flaws of mine.

since that time i haven't really had too many opportunities to say anything further on the topic of my character flaws. but now i've come up with a reason for that to change.

i've got another character flaw to address and willingly expose to the few who don't already see this in me. tonight i had a bit of a chance to reflect on all my past relationships with girlfriends... i was driving home from a Bible study where the leader's daughter (a friend of my little sister) said something along the lines of, "so, i heard you got engaged in Africa?" apparently my sister had not only blabbed to this friend, but to a hand-full of other friends i've never even met, not to mention this friend tonight told her mother, and i've already told her father, in another related discussion.

it doesn't really bother me at all that people know this about me (as long as i'm able to explain and contextualize that statement!) fact of the matter is that i was, in fact, according to cultural norms, engaged to a girl i met on my team in Arusha, simply because i found her attractive and she caught on. it was all a whirlwind from there. we ended up fine by the end of it, sticking to our single selves, however, somewhere along the lines i'd further damaged my credibility, and apparently, she had as well. or i had done so, for her. i don't really know, or comprehend it all.

the point is, including the fact that i've been engaged already and "broken it off" (though i was oblivious of the severity of it until about a month and a half later!) i've simply had too many girlfriends too deal with myself. i'm not proud of it, and it's shown me just how weak i really am in this area.

i wear a purity ring. it's a small, ding-ed up silver ring on my left ring finger. from over 5 feet away, looks like i'm married. i look over 20, sometimes as old as 26, apparently... basically, with this ring on, i look untouchable.

that's just the way i want it to be for now--i'm still trying to go a couple years on my own, just workin things out with God, since i really haven't had such a chance since my sophomore year of high school... ergo it's time for a bleedin' break!

basically, i mess up. i ROYALLY mess up. i go back and forth between the Reign of Over-Zealous and the Reigned-in Over-Cautious! apparently, subconsciously i think that firing both kinds of weapons will balance things out and create a pleasant, neutral reaction. sometimes i get lucky (i.e. not dumb) and i ease in a statement here or there, where it could've been quite explosive instead, and totally read in the wrong (or right) way! thankfully, that hasn't happened too recently... barely.

just trying to hold myself together, and keep my sights on Aslan, and not get too tripped up trying to play the field for the time being. i've done enough of that at this point. i apologize to all whom i've hurt. please forgive me.

hopefully this next stint on earth will prove better-handled.

PAX.

off my chest

2008-03-16T21:23:00.006-05:00

when something's bottled up for a while and doesn't go away, it's cool to get it off your chest, even if you risk pain or perpetuating confusion. at least you've said your piece. and now i have peace. and grace to continue.

thanks be to God, my beautiful, adoring Adonai. for you have blessed a humbled man.

Smile Empty Soul vs. An Unforgettable Pair

2008-03-15T21:45:00.005-05:00

i found this video on youtube.

the song's 'This Is War' by Smile Empty Soul

the lyrics are profane, but otherwise not graphic, and the scenes from Black Hawk Down are gruesome, but it fits, in a poetical justice sort of way.

here's the chorus:

"i drove in a car
i flew in a plane
to come to your house
and kick your door in

and now that it's down to this
it's just you and me
i'll blow your f----- head off
for my country"

----

i know half the time all i do on this blog is complain about war and war crimes and human rights abuses.

i know there are lovely flowers out there, but sometimes the stench of death and war can overcome the soft fragrance of flowers.

i don't think i'll stop writing about this stuff every now and then until every last person recognizes that we all need to be "anti-war" in order to let love in.

as an example, today after work i went to a coffee shop i'm falling in love with, down on Main Street today, just myself and my books, and a couple dollars. i ended up only reading about two paragraphs before getting so wrapped up in a fun conversation with Michelle--the girl who served me my regular 16oz. and a mocha that she decorated just for me, since she felt she forced it on me (just so she could make a pretty design) who's hoping to study forensic science in the fall (and already has the "geek's guide" to it--and Greg--a regular customer at Jerry's shop, a good friend of Jerry's, and an expert on experimenting with cigars and making jokes and being welcoming (who has a half-smoked cigar in the ash-tray of his truck and is happily divorced, and doesn't watch many movies).

it was cool. we talked about whatever, for almost an hour, informally, and i came to really like them. i hope i'll run into em both on the same day again, it was really cool. i realized that just having a conversation with them made me really care about them. kinda weird, and over-sappy, but it was cool.

if we just take the time (and have the guts) to talk to someone, we could enjoy an invaluable connection, and the world will become smaller, and nobody will really be a stranger (or enemy) any longer.

thanks God, you made my day with that pair!

pax.

that that don't kill me (pt.2) (content warning)

2008-03-14T06:56:00.010-05:00

a collage of evil men and a woman with an iron grit.
a collage with nothing left to give but a fight against the evils.

Geneva turns us down, and we're almost arrested before heading out the back door. so now it's not just our governments chasing us down, but the International Criminal Court, as well.

the very thing we're trying to help is now hunting us down. we figured it would.

it takes little time before we're back on track, and flying over the border into Serbia for our first trip, strapped up to our chins with ammunition. even Maggs is packin on our bouncy chopper ride. just a magnum, but it'll do. she's only fired it about seven and a half times, but we're hoping she'll never have to play the shooter. all the flak should be coming our way and not hers.

the thing we're all thinkin, especially Valentino, is that either way we play this, we all end up the same. it's kinda like an attempt at atonement. an attempt that we already see the rejection stamp ominously on. but for Maggs, she's got a clean slate except for whatever crimes she's just racked up in the past year alone. nothin in her past to make her a choice cut for any administration. nothin in my past to keep me from being anything but a choice cut.

Serbia goes well. well enough. three of us are licking our wounds, and Emil finds it strange to be capturing half the men he used to play poker with. we learn pretty quickly of head-hunters dispatched from several federal organizations. CIA, NSA, and even an extended detail from within the Secret Service. no word yet on Russia's response to our rouse.

maybe they figured they've taken enough. the Czar's washed his hands of us.

three months into the job we've turned over 72 war criminals from five continents and the focus shifts.

there's one continent left where criminals are hiding out.

the most difficult this far, since they're surrounded by cameras, guns, over-zealous animals in a patriotic haze, and the two of them are almost never in the same place. when they were in office, it was official policy to keep em separate for "national security", but as of now, they're just runnin scared.

they're the reason a couple of us and our buddies got off easy. we're grateful, but we're also the only ones who've really changed. we figure now their time is up. the world's waited long enough to see them come to justice.

thanks to them i am scarred. my marriage failed. my children deserted me. my country scorned me. but over half of the country still supported the ones who sanctioned us. f----- double standards!

---

"this is going to be tougher than anything, ladies and gentlemen. I've been dying to get this done, people. it's been several decades since i found out the office that was to blame. the torture bill overturned was the last straw, back in '08. that's how long i've been waitin for this, guys." Valentino's got his crowd's attention. we've got some vague clue of who he's talking about.

Maggs runs her fingers up and down on tee sharp edge of the steel beams supporting the caving ceiling of the warehouse we've made our haven, in Israel. (where better to hide than the country they'd never invade?) this is hitting her pretty hard. she blames these guys for the disappearance of her brother. makes sense to me.

just like Charlize Theron's Stella, this one's pretty personal for her.

we found a lot of the other administration in hiding around the world (ironically a couple were in our new shack). they'd scattered once they realized someone was having success in hunting their kind down.

(it sucks that we've had to kill so many unknowing amateurs who've been conned into protecting devils, but it's sometimes the only way to finish the job. it's not like this is anything new for us. just sad that the demons just get prison and their lackeys get the grave)

and now the last two are making their haven in the bed of vipers, still. latest intel would have us believe so.

it's kind of hard for us to all put everything into this, because once this is done, we can't think of anyone else to go after. the ICC's already in the middle of tens of tribunals and trials. anonymous "drop-offs" started filling their quota a long time ago.

they've finally got some bite, and for the most part, nobody seems to laugh at them anymore.

except for these two.

Emil pipes up, "Valentino, you know what happens when we finish this, right?"

Cal picks it up: "they'll bury the truth. call it a freak accident or a stroke."

"not once we get Al-Jazeera to air our live feed," Maggs says coldly.

"our what?" I'm thrown off a bit here.

"our live feed," Valentino continues, "Maggs will cover us and give a couple of us cameras on our headlamps when we're in the bunkers. she's gonna be using the same signal strength that allowed these two pigs their satellite TV when the world first threatened their empire on 9/11. Al-Jazeera will air it around the world, both Arabic and English, and right now we're still looking for additional networks based off the continent. but Al-Jazeera's a pretty safe bet there won't be anything like a sort of censorship."

"the media was once about truth." Maggs stares all of us down, in turn. "it's what ruined my brother, back when they'd fully gone shoddy on us. now that the west has effed everything up, we've got a little bit of hope outside our normal borders, gentlemen."

i remember that Al-Jazeera was the one that knew everything about everything going on outside the western world. and now they really were going to be a weapon against the west. it wasn't something any of us naturally tended to like. we liked our homes and safe suburbs at one point. but i guess that's all changed on us, so we might as well bite back.

the questions and straight-forward, strong answers keep coming, back and forth for a bit.

then Valentino excuses himself, and slips out of the room, leaving us in an awed, excited, breathless tension. i look over at Maggs, who's beaming.

"you sure you're not a little over-confident about all this?" Miller asks her.

"yeah, i've been working on this little network thing a lot longer than any of you can imagine." cool as ever, our wonder woman dispels our fears.

we're left in another silence as each of us contemplates what comes next. right about the time it should be getting awkward, our SOA brother walks in with his hands behind his back, and a smile bigger than Maggs'.

"gentlemen, the preparation for this will take us several months of cold, hard work. we've got a lot of research and planning to do. these two guys won't just be sitting on their a---- waiting for us. undoubtedly they know they're next. some would think they're old news, but we all know that an old crime is still a crime. at least in the US."

he pauses. for some reason it's kinda comforting. even if this is the last thing we ever do during our natural lives, and even if heaven won't take us, we're gonna do what we can for what we believe in.

"since there's not much good news waiting for us in the next months, or at the end of all this, so we thought we'd invest in a little something that appreciates in value, that'll give us some incentive."

he brings forth a bottle of '49 champagne. it's a fitting year, '49.

we erupt in muffled applause and Maggs laughs for the first real time since i opened the door for her back at our steakhouse meeting. she thought me still a gentlemen, even though she was the one who knew my record the best. she had access to all our files on the same hard-drive as that of the targets.

it's a strange and totally perfect atmosphere that's ushered in by a bottle filled in the greatest year in human rights history.

Maggs hands us each an identical dossier with everything the US government has on our next two guys.

their pictures make my blood boil, for what they made me do at Abu Ghraib:

Valentino raises the bottle high in the spirit of August 1945, "we'll toast to justice the night before we go in!"

for only seven of us, the cheering and applause is deafening. my heart thunders.

From Journal & Courier: "Area groups plan peace rally"

2008-03-14T06:42:00.004-05:00

Several Lafayette area groups are sponsoring events next Wednesday to mark the fifth anniversary of the Iraq War.

A peace rally is scheduled at 5:30 p.m. at the Tippecanoe County Courthouse.

A peace march will follow at 6 p.m. along State Street to the Purdue Mall.

A panel discussion titled "Why the Iraq War Must End" will be held at 7:30 p.m. in 218 Stewart Center.

The public is invited.

--Staff reports

[taken verbatim from Journal & Courier March 14, 2008, page C8]
[image from http://www.tippecanoecountycourthouse.com/chmaps.html ]

that that don't kill me (pt.1) (content warning)

2008-03-12T21:07:00.016-05:00

--a narrative of pain and failed efforts--

part.one

we started this league about a year or so ago. freelance sting operations. a couple ex-black-ops, some KGB defectors, and some old-school gangstas. and one smokin hot computer genius!

it was a little project we devised one day as we met together at a steakhouse. poring over my extra rare slab of expensive meat, i suddenly became nauseous. an image from a stint in Iraq popped into my head. musta been somethin about the redness of the meat on the dirtying plate before me.

Maggs looked at me strangely as i choked a little bit.

i tried to give her, and the rest of the crew, a look tellin em i'm good, but all i end up doing is glare right into their hearts. i get that way when i remember the actions of the others around me at Abu Ghraib.

"Mark, you alright, man?" Cal gives me the same look i used to get from my family, when i first got back. i want to punch him.

my stomach heaves again, and the six others around the table start panicking.

"Mark you better get movin, bro!"
"you look messed up."

i make a break for the can and my head screamed at me as i hobbled along between tables of calm patriotic citizens oblivious to everything that slowly enabled our heads of state to pull out of the UN. my knife and fork clatter against my red oak chair and thud against the maroon-carpeted floor.

seconds later i burst through the stall door furthest from the door and let go.

the images crowd my head, the charges against my detail, the abductions of the 15-year-old girls and the effed-up s--- we put them through. one of the guys from the next barracks over had showed up online fessing up to the prostitution he forced upon one girl, leading her to her own suicide by sundown. the photographs of sodomy. the legal battle and congress' failings against waterboarding and other torture methods. all the s--- that our president passed into legality... all the black ops became legal according to him.

that's when i got out. that's actually ow i met the others. i left during the same week the other black ops guys did and the ex-KGB pair put their fingers on us and we formed a band of brothers. dissenters in the fullest form. none of us loyal any longer to a flag or government.

we were a bunch of ex-war criminals venting to each other about the others' who'd been worse than us.

from the secret US arsenal there's:

**me-Mark-32-- (i did a bunch of pre-cog jobs in afghanistan and was part of the small number of folks--including Bush--who knew of 9/11 before the planes took off that morning. i've since spent time at Gitmo, Abu Ghraib, and helped operate a torture camp and prison in southern Pakistan. i helped prepare the bombers and the shooter that assassinated Bhutto a few years back, at the end of '07)

**Cal-46-- (his history in black ops is so long that he backed the guys in Somalia who took out Siad Barre in '91, and then backed the guys who took down General Aidid's clan from '93-'96, and his last job was in helping topple the Somali Transitional Federal Government--after helping them and Ethiopia come to power 6 years earlier, of course)

**Miller-38-- (this kingpin is responsible for half the police killings in Mexico, since the turn of the century. he worked for both sides and the federal green that told im what to do was all taken away once he tried to tell his story. he barely got out of El Paso with his life. he's gone off the grid as much as is possible in this country. he's on the FBI's most wanted list)

**Valentino-25-- (a product of the School of America, the first one to use his new "skills" against three governments in one day. he's supposedly dead, according to the CIA, but we're pretty sure they knew about him again by the time we met for steak that day)

from the former KGB we have:

**Leo-42-- (killed 734 civilians and politicians fro capitalist nations. at one point, he had his scope on the first Bush. Kremlin threatened to disappear him if he pulled the trigger, once they learned of KGB's plot. their call saved his life by two and a half seconds. he defected after the others from that plot started vanishing as well)

**Emil-45-- (waged war against civilian Afghans and is the reason that Kosovo no longer exists. he bailed from Russia's secret killers and chess players right after he witnessed the effects of the gas he'd been implementing--on his wife and three children)

and our hot techie:

**Maggs-27-- (just out of harvard law school, a very athletic runner, a quick learner, and the one who caused the 2004 blackout of northeastern US... just so she'd have no night classes on anatomy. her motivation in this cause: army-brother Frank's gone MIA. two years ago in Tehran. she'd been lookin for us for over a year by the time we all met up through different connections and sat down for dinner)

---

great, so the first meeting we all have TOGETHER, and my stomach goes AWOL.

i finish wiping my mouth and wash my face for a good five minutes. Emil comes in and puts a hand on my shoulder.

in a thick Rusky accent he says, "Mark, my friend, you look like hell!"

"you'd know it, Emil." i regain my feet better, and lean back from the wall mirror. "let's get the check. i'm sick of waiting."

"already done. we're outside having a cigarette. i'm guessing you don't want one right now?"

"no, probably not. who's paying?"

Emil smiles a crafty smile, hands me a credit card. for a second i think it'll be mine. i recognize the name of an ex-senator with a horrible record. "Uncle Sam," he chides proudly.

"you son of a b----. i'm gonna like working with you!"

---

outside, i watch a few of the others desperately trying to keep the wind from their newports and black'n'milds and camels. Emil lights his half-gone Cuban cigar and hands it to me.

i take a drag and allow the smoke to circulate. fighting a gag reflex with too much recent practice, i focus on the side of the busy city street. the cabs are flyin by on this misting new york night.

Valentino comes up to me, the sweet flavor of his black'n'mild--creme--nearly knocks me off my feet.

he starts speaking, looking at me, but addressing the whole crew, "Mark, we're heading out to Geneva tomorrow. it's time we leave behind our lies and face our burdens head on. call some folks, say your goodbyes, and then you can kiss this soil goodbye come morning. chances are we'll all disappear by year's end, but before Sammy catches on to us, we'll at least be able to extradite, capture, contain, arrest, and reign in half the world's war criminals. i guess if we get lucky we'll come back by here sooner or later. if Geneva won't take us, it's no matter. we all know people. we'll make this happen.

"the flight's gonna suck and mess up your clocks, so make sure you actually sleep tonight, alright? we're no use to the free world if we're snoozing our a---- off, droolin on our AK's."

we all know the drill already, all except for Maggs. the one who'll be the most use to us, is also the one who has absolutely no extended overseas experience. a flight like this will knock her out. i pray she's prepared.

i spend enough time standin in one spot that i finish Emil's cigar. now i've gotta find my way back to our motel 6. on the other side of the river.

----- end.part.one

[all images are public domain, all characters and names are fictional, all events are possible]

not the norm.

2008-03-05T10:14:00.005-05:00

i am going to break a lot of rules by writing what i will write next.

if you have a weak stomach, are patriotic, or know anyone who'd be offended by condemnation of particular US soldiers, or would be offended by an affront to the American psyche of super-importance... then stop reading this entry.

---

i first read a story of a woman named Maria Osman, a Mogadishu resident, about two weeks ago. Yahoo News journalist Kevin Sites has been touring the world's conflict zones for about a year. he stopped in Mogadishu and met a woman named Maria.

her arm is useless. rendered so by the bullet wound that she earned for trying to reach the crushed body of her dead young daughter... under US Black Hawk helicopter Super Six One. When the first Black Hawk went down on October 3, 1993, it would herald the end for 18 American soldiers.

and the same fate came to roughly 600 to 1,000 Somalis.

we glorify the black hawks.

and we ignore Maria Osman's story.

the film makes no mention of the girl crushed by Super Six One.

' "I hate the Americans," she says, her eyes maintaining their empty sadness rather than shifting to anger. "I hate them for what happened to my daughter. If I saw one I would cut them up into so many pieces." ' -Kevin Sites quoting Maria Osman

if you think this is wrong, i agree with you. i think hate is a horrible thing, but i can see where it comes from.
but apparently she's not the only one guilty of this.

"An anonymous man wearing a US Special Forces T-shirt is a war criminal, if his three-minute YouTube interview is to be believed. In it, he claims to have taken part in routine torture of Iraqis — Hajji’s in soldier slang — in the infamous Abu Ghraib prison..." -Captain Eric May, on Soldier X's Youtube interview (i won't put the link to it, but search "soldier x interview" if you absolutely don't believe me in any other way. but please, don't view it unless you're completely ready to hear what he has to say, while smiling)

last month i joined the All Somali Forum. i wrote a blog on there about the war crimes of the Transitional Federal Government in Somalia, and when someone read it, they posted a comment asking me if i am anti-TFG.

i told them that i am, for the time being, since they are committing war crimes and getting away with it. i am against any war criminal. frankly, as you can guess, that does mean tat my enemies include many americans. by far, hopefully not a majority, but definitely more than i'd normally think.

there are always people against people. but if it's going to go that way, it should only be the armed against the armed. civilians should never be targets. and there is such a thing as War Law. so if you're going to lose your head, at least do it by the rules.

high-octane

2008-02-26T08:33:00.004-05:00

sometimes i think about how real my life is, in a way that it defies all "American Dream" reality, and rather focuses on what is truly real, namely everything that is going on outside of this country.

i am aware of the Turkish invasion of northern Iraq, to deal with the PKK rebels.

i am aware of the peace talks in Kenya, and that they are possibly getting somewhere great in the coming weeks and months.

i am aware that the Islamic Courts Union could very easily overthrow the secular Transitional Federal Government and its Ethiopian backing, in southern Somalia, after the ICU displayed its power on Sunday, by attacking military targets in Dinsoor, Somalia. (frankly, the ICU brought better stability and peace during their six months of rule, than TFG/Ethiopia has in over a year. i think ICU needs to gain power back.)

i am aware that Kosovo and Serbia may easily divide the world's powers along lines (and to extents) not seen in over 60 years or more.

i am aware that Chad, Sudan's once-peaceful neighbor (harboring so many Darfur refugees) is on the verge of failing to withstand Sudanese rebels and their attempt at a likely coup.

i am aware that Israel is threatening a full-scale invasion of the Palestinian Authority.

i am aware that the U.S. is run by war criminals and murderers, liars, torturers, weasels, and arrogant war hawks.

barely any of this is good news. Kenya may have peace. Somalia may have stability (after more bloodshed of course).

but there is the bad:

Iraq may lose its own identity as a nation, as it is divided up but foreign belligerent powers.
Kosovo may lose its identity as a nation simply for declaring it, as the rest of the world draws lines to fight over it's name.
Chad's toppling may lead to another extension of Darfur, tripling the size of the war zone and genocidal crimes.
Palestine may lose its identity as a nation, as indiscriminate [super-power-backed] genocide wipes out an entire people based on individual criminals.
the world may be crippled by whatever next move the U.S., Russia, China, England, France, Germany, Italy, and the rest of the world's most influential states carry through with.

there is a vacuum where there once was concern for human life.

the U.S. has broken nearly all its commitments to proper human rights--like the ones spelled out in the Geneva Conventions, the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, (and others)--or simply dodged parts of memberships, commitments, or alliances that would hold them equally accountable with all other members and signers.

and they say China's not fit to host the games. our Human Rights record is far worse... just that nobody knows about it.

Waterboarding & Torture: read and tell me you still like Bush

2008-02-14T12:27:00.005-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080214/pl_afp/usbushcongressintelligenceveto

i hate this. absolutely HATE it.

it'd be great if we could have someone mature in office sometime soon.

i should shut up now before i say something really bad.

so much for bloody human rights is the grand ol' US of A.

i hate this.

along this track, why don't we just go back to the "good old days (ways)" of breaking the Geneva Conventions and committing war crimes...

execution of a Vietcong soldier; photo taken at exact second of cartridge explosion.

way to go Captain America... you endorsed this.

I Saw 3 Black Hawk Helicopters

2008-02-14T11:19:00.002-05:00

this is gonna seem totally random, but i was able to utilize my growing fascination for [investigative] journalism and i followed up on something really strange that i've never seen before! at 10.30 this morning, i just saw 3 Black Hawk military helicopters fly right over my house!!! it was inSANE!!! holy crap!

i freaked out and tried to get a shot of them or something, but i was too slow to remember to grab the camera, and by the time i zoomed i didn't even recognize the dots any more. dangit!

i called the Marines office that had accidentally called my house yesterday lookng for a Joe Schmoe that had given our address for a free lanyard or pencil, and found out that (of course) the Marines don't use Black Hawks, so the guy i spoke with was totally clueless and suggested they could have been from National Guard in Terra Haute. but that's too far east for their heading.

i searched around online for other bases and found one south-east of Indianapolis, called Camp Atterbury. called their PR office and got put through to airfield. Airfield confirmed my suspicions that, yes, they were indeed headed for Chicago.

"thanks, i just wanted to check since i've never seen anything like it before."

now i'm left to ponder my next opportunity for journalistic greatness... don't know when that'll come along...

ugh, i can't wait for a cell phone... would've felt so much cooler calling from my cell, rather than the house phone!

PAX, ya'll! (oh dear... becoming Indianan)

probably strange... came out of nowhere, huh?

2008-02-11T08:45:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone, i know this probably seems to have come out of freakin nowhere! and to some extent it did. i'm finally having a some time alone with God, at this very moment, and i just wanted to say how beautiful God really is.

i personally forget it all too often. maybe we all do. i encourage us all to turn to our God, and seek the truth of his love and grace, and the beauty of his face.

without him, i'd have nothing real to offer anyone on here. i don't remember who said this, but i love it:

"what a man is, on his knees, before the LORD,
that he is, and nothing more."

yeah, sounds about right. i know i play myself and my work up (personally just me, i'm saying) to be something big. i really do believe it is. but i think i put too much of the guts and glory on myself whenever i start talking about my activism. this was never the intended outcome. but it happens all too often. i love my work, i love what i do! but i can't let it be the main focus of my heart, or else my heart will shrivel and dry up under strain and pressure. this is where God comes in, and if i'm diligent about going back to him, then i'll have no issues of how strong and full my heart is. my God is a God who loves and cares so deeply for ALL his children. he'd do anything (and did everything) to see his children get the best for them, in this life!

my God definitely cares about human rights, if he cares at all about his children. i like to think my work is done with him, as a friend and partner and servant and son, all at the same time. this way i can do it with perfect love even if my actions do not seem perfect.

PAX.

things have changed...

2008-02-10T21:52:00.000-05:00

brothers and sisters... something has changed in the manner of my writing. at least the subject matter.

so the heavier subject matter, like that which i last posted. like that which is now deleted.

it's posted elsewhere under another name and the whole works. if you want to read any of my new posts on my new site, ask me individually. i'll give you the link. but please be careful. if you read my last post--that looked more like a newspaper article--then you might have a hint of the dangers involved with using real information on either side of the atlantic.

please understand if things here seem suddenly less suspenseful. hopefully my protective measures in switching over will be worth something and will help protect the authors here, and all who have commented. i'll definitely try to work on both sites, of course!

p.s. if you're willing to go slightly undercover, i'd be glad to work on this with a partner or two (or more). there are many many human rights stories to cover. the world is only so big.

PAX.

youtube videojournalists.

2008-02-08T21:01:00.000-05:00

youtube should hire videojournalists to cover major stories on an international scale... like, obviously i'd be vying for the ones with little coverage, concerning Human Rights.

hopefully they come around to this idea soon so that unknown stories can become world-wide. enough people post celebrity gossip and movie spoilers and God knows what else, that frankly youtube's creators and owners could really capitalize on having freelancers bring them video coverage of far away wars and conflicts and injustices (and other stories too, of course), but this would greatly have the chance to bring about change and prevent innocent civilian death tolls from being forgotten in the dark closets of inhumane government buildings.

youtube, i hope you're listening. i hope you take this chance. i hope you bring on the change.

PAX.

Mogadishu

2008-02-07T16:03:00.000-05:00

"hello, my name is ________________, and i'm a US citizen living in ______________. i'm calling on behalf of a man named ________________ living in Mogadishu, in Somalia, seeking asylum here..."

i called the UNHCR DC Office.

this is how my voicemail started. obviously, for protection all around, things had to be changed here, in this publishing.

the man i mentioned above, a Somali journalist, has been threatened by both sides, for his work with foreign journalists.

one of the journalists he's worked with in the past several months works for a big newspaper based not far from my house. i'm working with both of them, as well as a woman in the 11th District Office in Ohio, working for Representative Stephanie Tubbs-Jones.

hopefully this action will all count for something.

Human Rights in Somalia

2008-02-02T19:54:00.000-05:00

i've got a lead. a Somali journalist living in Mogadishu. could be the key i need to unlock a lot of the shrouded stories of Mogadishu's past, present, and future.

pray for me, my sisters and brothers, and pray for my contact. they face danger on a daily basis. several journalists have been killed (often targetted) in the past year, in Mogadishu. just pray.

and act.

politics aside

2008-01-31T06:21:00.000-05:00

Post Author: Archer

i read this AP article last night thru Yahoo News:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/world/20080130-1256-kenya-ethniccleansing.html

-'12:56 p.m. January 30, 2008
KISUMU, Kenya – The young man hefting a machete at the burning roadblock was frustrated. He'd been looking for five days, but could not find a member of the Kikuyu tribe to kill.
Members of Kenya's biggest tribe have disappeared in their thousands from Kisumu, making it the first – but perhaps not the last – city to be ethnically cleansed.'-

as i said in my last entry, i am no fan of Kibaki, and right now the thought of facing a Kikuyu in the streets terrifies me (and i fear for my dear friend Furaha, a non-Kikuyu Kenyan surviving in Nairobi right now and attempting to find a safe way back to her home in Kakamega, northwest of Kisumu, in western Kenya, not far from Lake Victoria.

i am no fan, indeed, but this is just digusting.

-'“If we find any Kikuyus, we're going to slaughter them or burn them alive,” 19-year-old Daniel Odongo said Wednesday, who wielded the machete...'-

KENYA!!!! shut up and listen! It seems your leaders don't care about you anymore at all, or else the over 800 dead would be enough to get them to sit down and talk. Face to Face.

KENYA!!!! ignore your leaders! let them deal with the politics themselves, but grow up and face your countrymen with love! put down your machetes and torches! let the civilians be civil and the government govern! Damnit, we don't want another Rwanda, or another Darfur, or another Somalia!

KENYA!!!! you used to be the beacon of light in East Africa! what happened?! were these ethnic hatreds too unbearable that suddenly you can't sit down to share the same bowl just because you disagree about who's won the election?!

KENYA!!!! believe me, brothers and sisters--we ALL have our opinions of who really won, and who should be in power and who should not! one of my friends, Doreen, has absolutely no intention of killing our friends Furaha and Patrick just because they voted for Odinga! i just spent five months surrounded by about 15 Kenyans who were divided politically, and there was absolutely no bloodshed!

KENYA!!!! you say you are Christians.... your nation is supposed to be EIGHTY PERCENT CHRISTIAN!!! where is your love, o brothers?!

KENYA!!!! show courage when you're not holding a machete! show courage and strength when called on to remove a roadblock, rather than light a huge tire on fire! show humility and be content with disagreement!

...if you cannot coexist in love and humility, may God have his way with you all, my beloved brothers and sisters.

stop staining your land, o beautiful Kenyans... stop killing your families...

God bring them peace before you bring them judgment. Yet not my will, but yours be done.

--Archer

Kenya: Kikuyu: Kibaki

2008-01-21T03:18:00.000-05:00

i'm only a several hours' drive from Nairobi, here, possibly the closest i'll ever be to Kenya's capital in the next several years, sadly.

and everything in Kenya has been pretty much shot to hell.

i've become so absorbed with all the news from Kenya since things started getting fishy only several days after Christmas, with the Election Commission delaying in publishing the winner of the race.

and a couple nights ago i had coffee with John, the base leader here, his wife Jesinta, K-K, Jeff, and Megan. John and his wife are Kenyans, living here in Arusha, running the base. the other four of us are all from the west.

Jesinta left us as the conversation shifted toward politics and the night wore on, for she had children to tend to for bedtime.

a couple other guests had already left, and gone to bed. thus it was only the five of us, with John and i in the thick of it, since i'm the only westerner who's really been following the whole thing.

i found out that Kibaki, the "president" of Kenya (who nearly undoubtedly won by mass rigging of the votes), who has already run the country for 5 years, has nearly backed himself into a corner. i pointed out that i'm surprised no one's assassinated him yet.

John told me that if things keep going the way they are for maybe only another two months, it's not too far-fetched of an idea.

either way, among his options are:
resigning.
going to court.
calling for a re-election which will bring about the first two options, probably, since he'll lose.
or being killed.

brother Kibaki, what have you done?
i do not pity you. i do not sympathize with you at all. if you even still cared about your own people, the Kikuyus, then maybe i'd feel bad for you. but you don't. their deaths and displacement mean nothing to you.

you are my brother, only as long as you remain human. you're nearing that boundary, and i fear you'll cross it, brother.

i cannot wait for justice to be dealt to you and yours.

step down and allow Odinga to save your countrymen.

not good enough. period.

2008-01-17T06:05:00.000-05:00

i looked at Amnesty International's page today, and i'm presently sitting in front of a computer screen in Ngaramtoni, about 10 or 15 minutes west of Arusha, Tanzania.

i am reading a report on Mogadishu, Somalia. (which means if i'd hop two borders i'd be there!) it's dated July 22, 2007.

it's the latest report i can find from Amnesty.

i love Amnesty, i'm a member, and have been for almost a year or so. i've worked with them on Darfur, and i hope to continue my work again as soon as i get stateside in ten days.

i love them, but something's wrong if i can't get public access to a report on Somalia's situation that isn't nearly six months old. especially on Somalia, probably the country that would need a "status update" every three or four months. or weeks.

in the "What You Can Do" menu at the top of the page, i am instructed that i have these options:
"Act Locally"
"Take Action Online"
"Activist Toolkit"
"Member Center"
"Join US"
"Donate"
"Shop Amnesty"

that's not good enough. not for me. shouldn't be enough for anyone.
period.

in four years i should be there. i still don't know exactly what group will carry me into the Mogadishu airport, but i'm almost dead certain i'm going.

with all this fire burnin in me, all i can say is:

Lock. And. Load.

already packed... what a dummy!

2008-01-16T11:43:00.000-05:00

i shoulda seen it coming...

so, just for kicks, and partly to make sure i'd have room for everything, i did a "practice pack" of my big green army bag, and my carry-on and my camera bag, to see how to manage everything for when i fly out.

the good news is that everything seems to fit, even though it's a little tight...

the bad news is... well... i'm too lazy to UNpack it in case i happen to need any of the clothes at the bottom, over the next 9 days...

what a dummy.

a follow-up of the mention of the girl...

2008-01-16T01:41:00.000-05:00

so a few entries ago, i mentioned that i was going to write a letter to a girl. a letter to a girl who may or may not play a huge role in my life in the future, in a romantic sense.

a letter that was met with a response exactly how i could have hoped for... and the outcome?

still absolutely single with no signs of slowing down any time soon! i love it! things are better now between us (though things were never bad between us, i just feel less nervous), since i've had a chance to share this with her, and get her feedback (since the feelings mostly sat on my side of the fence--not so much with her anymore).

so, singleness feels really good when you don't have an outcome in mind, no woman to run to as soon as you're fed up with being "alone". no promises for marriage. actually, still looks more and more like i could remain single for the rest of my life, whether it be long or short.

feels good.

just thought i'd share that.

may the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ dwell in you.
Amen.
PAX.

why, oh why does the bluebird sing?

2008-01-15T11:11:00.000-05:00

if you see a bluebird singing, and you ask him why he is, he ought to have a good reason for stringing together a song.

if he doesn't have a good reason, then you may politely ask him to be quiet.

if he doesn't take a hint, just tell him to shut up and sit down.

if he still doesn't abide... cuff 'im.
and then he'll have to come up with a good defense for court.
....
if you see or hear me making a lot of noise and standing firmly on something, and you ask me why i feel as i do, i ought to have a good reason for roping together my slogans and outcries.

if i don't have a good foundation, then you may politely ask me to be quiet.

hopefully i will.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, i kindly request that you challenge me to know why i believe and say the things which i believe and say.

i will tell you i believe in a God of love, because i am in love with him.
i will tell you i believe in a world of suffering, and i probably don't need to point to all the evidence--we see and feel it every day.
i will tell you i believe in justice, because without it, somebody would've already pulled the trigger of the pistol pointed at my head.
i will tell you i believe in Jesus, because without him being a servant would have no rewards--and i would not personally like being on the floor, washing your feet.
i will tell you i believe in evolution, because there's a fossil record to back it up, and such beauty and ingenuity in the designs that span the eras that we would be cheating God to say humanity was the first on his canvas.
i will tell you i believe in a God of love, because we humans have been created in his image, a specific design set apart from everything else on the fossil record--beginning with the Old Man (Adam) and culminating in the New Man (Jesus, Son of David)--that we may have love and compassion for our neighbors (and even our enemies)... that we may grow closer to one another, and, most importantly, to him.

i will tell you this because this is one thing i must stand for, and i beg you never to make me sit down and shut up about.

i would prefer, without a doubt, with every ounce of devotion, humility, and eagerness to be no greater than my master (Matthew 10.24b), that you see that i will not abide, and that you cuff me.

you have no choice...

"...Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, "Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Then feed my sheep. (John 21.17b NLT) Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdest thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldest not." (John 21.18 KJV)

...another shall gird me, and carry me whither i wouldest not.

Somalia, Kenya, and other death wishes...

2008-01-14T10:46:00.000-05:00

apparently the US government has just told all US citizens not to travel to Kenya because of the disorder.

Somolia's out of the question for most normal westerners (especially americans) anyway.

and i was going to try to travel to Kenya after my DTS, with my friend Joy, who lives in Kisumu. she and i have been tracking all of the stories on my radio here at the base, that thankfully i was wise enough to bring on outreach in Mwanza. it became our staple. especially in the bush-bush of Nassa.

but i felt God telling me to go home. i don't have the money to get there, to postpone my flight, or to survive for two weeks as i'd hoped. i wanted to go and take pictures, to march, to go to rallies, to comfort the victims, and to try to reach out to the leaders. but God is apparently not sending me there.

but i still feel him sending me to Somalia. there's a huge peace about it, and at the same time a crazy excitement that tickles the edges of my senses, like flames licking at the edge of paper before it goes up in smoke. it's an all-consuming fire right on the edge of my being, and here i am, waiting and praying for the doorway into that hellish place--the Horn of Africa.

since 1991 when a coup d'etat toppled the government, there have been about 15 attempts at a new, stable government. for just over a year now, Ethiopia has been running the show, since taking Mogadishu on December 28, 2006. they might be the longest running controller in recent years. i don't really know too much about it.

but for some reason, i'm pretty sure it's where i've got to go. i don't know exactly when or how (hopefully with Amnesty International, trying to stabalize everything from a human rights vantage point), but only God knows now.

i need to brush up on my Arabic before i get the green-light.
and get a better camera.
and a couple important licenses to aid me in various sectors of life there.
and i need to finish reading the Qu'ran.
and the Bible.

hehe... :) like i said, there's that heated excitement!

pray for me, dear brothers and sisters, as i pray for you.
PAX.

i should tell you...

2008-01-13T10:23:00.000-05:00

...that i'm back now. to some that might be exciting, interesting, and jolly news. to others, however, it may be a drawback because Krissi's writings have been so interesting! they'll no doubt continue, but every now and then i'll be chiming in too!

Mwanza was great, but way hotter than Arusha. glad to be back to the city where i can actually sleep with a shirt and pants on inside my sleeping bag!

while there, i fell in love with Somalia.
...i forded a river south of Lake Victoria--barefoot.
...i have washed my hands in Lake Victoria, the day after Christmas.
...i have walked several kilometers barefoot through the fields between Magu and the Lake, with three Maasai warrior friends of mine (who have all killed lions)!
...i have gotten a worm and recovered miraculously in a day (as opposed to the standard week or so it should have taken. (and got to ride on the back of the pastor's motorcycle to and from the hospital! awesomeness!)
...i preached the truth of the grace of Jesus being enough in a society where good works is all that matters.
...i preached the truth that we are still sinners and no better than the non-Christians around us, in a society where distinction between "saved" and "unsaved", and titles like Uingelisti (Evangelist) are status symbols.
...i also started my own "bar ministry" with my friend Jeff across from our open-air meetings, and simply by playing pool with a bunch of the guys every night, i think they saw Jesus' real love for them.
...i was also yelled at by other members of the Church for spending time with the guys at the bar when we did, which makes me wonder if maybe we were really doing something right there!
...and (possibly the best story of all) i have been stung by a scorpion, and lived to tell the tale (even though for the first twenty seconds i thought i was a dead man, and even forgot to pray, as i was so consumed by panic!) thanks to the simple remedy of rubbing graphite into incisions cut around the sting point!

God has been good.

oh yeah, one more thing...
...i've also decided to try to make it two years single, just devoting my attention to God. so, come Christmas eve, 2009, i'll hopefully have grown so close to God that no girl can distract me. and i've also decided the only girl i want is one who brings me closer to God when we talk. i might already know who that is. i'm not sure. i'm praying. maybe she is, too. yeah, she probably is.

God has been good.
and more importantly,
God has been.

and i've come to learn that that's often more than enough!
i've gotta go write a really important letter to that girl i hinted at, above, so i'm gonna leave you with the peace of Christ. and with the grace to know that you're all he wants. not your works, your religion, or your service. no, just simply you.

PAX.
-archer

message from Asher

2008-01-09T11:39:00.000-05:00

Two days ago I received a text message via mobile phone; a message from Asher.
He's still alive and it was good to get to know this.
I tried to write back but somehow my mobile phone didn't want to send the message...
I tried to make it work with love ;-D
I said to it: 'lovely, cute mobile phone, I like you! So please be so kind and send this message!'
But it didn't work.
So I tried it with hate ;-D
I said: 'You stupid mobile phone! You must work right now or I'll throw you against the wall!'
But it didn't work.

So today I called him. I talked with him only for a few minutes because calling a mobile phone in Tanzania from Germany is pretty expensive.

But as far as I got to know he's fine and as you may know, he'll be back at the base soon and then he'll be able to blog and write to you.

God bless you
-Krissi

presidential elections in the USA 2008

2008-01-04T05:04:00.000-05:00

The official year of election for America’s next president has began a few days ago.

Now every candidate tries to go out and talk to the people as often and as much as possible.

I had a closer look at the programs of some people and I found out about some stuff which I don’t really like.
I don’t really like all of their ideas. Every candidate has something he stands for, I can’t really agree with. But that’s normal when you talk about politics. You'll never find someone you can fully agree with.

For me it’s hard to stand behind one of the candidates.
So I’m some kind of happy that I won’t have and won’t be allowed to vote for the next president of the USA.
It’s difficult to decide for one person especially this year.

The last survey in December 2007 showed that 39% would vote for Hillary Clinton and 24% would give their vote to Barack Obama; both are Democrats. For the Republics, there is Rudolph Giuliani to whom 25% would give their vote and 16% would give their vote to Mike Huckabee.

There are some others on the list as well but they get 0- 15% only. So they don’t really have a huge chance to win the election except they really make a good election campaign.

Frankly I don’t like all these election campaigns. They spend too much money on it. All together they’ll spend about 1 billion $ on their election campaigns this year in the USA but this isn't only a problem of the USA, all over the world, also in Germany, they spend too much on election campaigns.

Do you have any favorite you’d vote for right now?

If I'd be allowed to vote, I would vote for Jesus... ;-)
-> have a look at Archer's blog entry "-a really controversial political/ecclesiastical blog on Hillary Clinton-"

I’ll pray for all the Americans who are allowed to vote, to make the right decision and I’ll pray for the ones who want to become the next president of the United States that they’ll follow the right aims and God's will.

God bless you
-Krissi

Welcome 2008!

2008-01-01T16:45:00.001-05:00

a new year - a new beginning

this year's slogan:

Jesus Christ says:

'Because I live,

ye shall live also.'

John 14, 19

2007 - a horrible but even wonderful year

2007-12-30T10:11:00.000-05:00

Knut - this lovely, sweet, wonderful, cute little polar bear baby, who was born Dezember 5th 2006 in Berlin annoyed me sooo much..
Every Religion lesson we talked about this polar bear. My teacher was a real big fan of Knut. Our record of talking about Knut was 45 minutes. During that time our teacher told us how cute Knut was and how the Berlin Zoo managed to handle all the people who wanted to see Knut. Now no one talkes about Knut any more because he isn't that cute any longer. He's a huge polar bear now;Too big to be cute.

Marco W. - the 19 year old German who went on vacation to Antalya with this family and then spend about 8 months in prison because he had sex with a 17 year old Briton. Did he rape her or not? I can't really tell but he was on the news every week.

Madeleine - a four year old girl disappeared on May the 3rd in Portugal. Till today no one knows where she is.

Lea-Sophie - was one of six or even more babies who died in Germany this year.
A mother threw her baby out of the window, and many other babies died because of neglect.
Lea-Sophie died because she didn't get enough food.
2007 so many babies and children died because their parents didn't take enough care, were brutal or didn't want to have their own babies any longer.

Blacksburg - you might even know more about the crazed action of the 23 year old guy who killed 32 humans than me.
I don't really know what to write about Blacksburg because it's too horrible to write about it. But I know that heros were made that day. The most famouse one was Christopher Jamie Bishop. He died because he saved his students.
Every year so many crazed action happen and not only in the USA. Even here at my own school strange things happen.
I was shocked when I heared about Blacksburg because a few months earlier a self-made bomb was build and planted at my school. No one was hurt at our school but there's still this hole in the asphalt and since that time the police drives around our school more often.

Benazir Bhutto - was killed because of a suicide.
She was first woman elected to lead a Muslim state, Pakistan.

So many cruel things happend 2007; too many!

For me personal the last year was pretty split into good and bad times.
Some of my family members died and two guys I knew died in a car crash.
So people disapeared in my life but there were also some who appeared.
I got to know some people of my grade, we hang out together and now we're really good friends. We spend a lot of time together. I attend service at their church and they are really awesome friends.
I'm so glad they entered my life.

Now 2007 is almost over and I'm some kind of sad about it. 2007 was an emotional year and 2008 will be the year of changes for me.
I'll finish school, leave home, go to college and I'll have some cuts in my life.
My life will change a lot.

I wish you all a blessed and happy 2008 and a wonderful New Year's Eve!
-Krissi

P.S. When I finished this blog entry I realized that I wrote about more horrible things than wonderful things of 2007.
It's always like this. You don't remember the good things but the bad ones.
But surely there were some more wonderful events in 2007.

termination of pregnancy

2007-12-27T08:12:00.001-05:00

I need to do a presentation in Religion about Amnesty International. Today I did a lot of research about it, I looked so many things up on the internet. Now I know a lot about ai. I know about the structure of the organisation, I know how it was founded, I know what its aims are...
I think I’m well prepared for my presentation.

When I had a look at a homepage on which ai was described I saw a picture of the Pope on its bottom. So I read through the article and I found out that the Vatikan asks Catholics to think twice about joining ai because of ai’s attitude towards termination of pregnancy.

I did some research about it on the internet...

and I found out that

Amnesty International isn’t for termination of pregnancy in general.

ai is for termination of pregnancy if the woman is a victim of rape, has committed incest or if there are any health risks for the mother.

It’s weird for me to imagine that anyone can’t understand their opinion and their reasons for decriminalizing termination of pregnancy in these cases.

How can a woman live with a child in whose eyes she sees the pain of herself being raped?

How can a woman live with a child who is handicapped and she knows that she’s responsible for this handicap?

Who’s life is more important? The life of the mother or the life of an unborn child of whom we don’t even know if he/she’ll survive without his mother?

But when does life start? When is an embryo a human? We can’t tell...

Are we killing a human life when we kill the embryo or is the embryo still a little something without any feelings?

Termination of pregnancy is one of the subjects for me of which I don’t really have a clear opinion and I can’t have one because my opinion refers to the case.

In some cases I would never procure abortion but if I really have to think about it because my unborn child has a disease which will bring the child to horrible pain, I don’t know how I’ll decide.

And I hope that I’ll never have to make such a decision in my whole life.

God bless you

-Krissi

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2007-12-24T06:20:00.000-05:00

I wish you all a Merry Christmas!

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a happy holiday.
I hope you'll enjoy today's special day of love.
I hope you know what a huge gift has been given to us about 2000 years ago. And the most amazing thing is that this gift still lasts. It's not that you use that gift a few weeks and then it breaks or it becomes useless, no, it will always be useful and it will never break.
The gift I'm talking about is Jesus. He is the hugest present I ever received. God gave him to me and to all others who want to receive this gift.
Today we celebrate the the birth of Christ and the reason why so many people believe in this awesome God; LOVE!
God gave his own son to save us humans and the reason why he did this is the love he has for us humans.

MERRY CHRISTMAS
God bless You
-Krissi

being lonely...

2007-12-19T14:57:00.000-05:00

can be something wonderful when you want to be lonely.

Today I wanted to be on my own. I didn't want anyone around me. I just wanted to thing about some stuff, get rid of some stuff which was on my mind and I need time to talk to God in silent.
So I went out to my favorite place. It's about 1 mile away from home.
I walked there with my mp3-player. I listened to some music and when I finally arrived there I sat down on that bench next to the statue made out of stone. This statue means something special to me. It was placed at that beautiful place the year I started to believe and gave my life in God's hands.
The statue shows a father and in his arms is a crying child.
At the bottom of the statue is 'Deine Güte reicht soweit der Himmel ist' (Your kindness is as far as heaven stretches) written. And yes, this verse of the bible is exactly what the place is about. When you look to your right, there's a small forest and in summer you sit on that bench right next to the birds in the trees and over your head is this huge tree with all its leaves.
To your left, there are fields and when you look straight ahead you can see the Swabian Albs, these mountains seem to be so near by but even so far away. Yes, God's kindness is as far as heaven stretches.
And every time I'm right there at that lovely place, at my place I feel lonely but I love it.
I feel free their, I feel like I can do everything I want to. I just feel good.

I wish you to have such a place as well
God bless you
-Krissi

evolution theory - God's creation

2007-12-17T14:38:00.000-05:00

I never really believed in Evolution theories; not the one of Darwin or any other scientists.

I also didn’t really believe the bible when it comes to the point how the earth was created.

God’s creation in the bible is written down like a song. There are the strophes in which God’s doing is described and then there’s the refrain with the words ‘And God saw that it was good.’

It was just a song for me; Nothing more.

But about one week ago I talked to someone about Evolution and about God’s creation.

He told me about Dr. Kent Hovind and his theory.

Dr. Kent Hovind says that the bible says the truth and that God made the earth and that the earth isn’t as old as the evolution theories say (young earth creationism).

And the weird thing is, the more I do research about him and his theory the clearer it becomes to me and I can believe it.

He also says that humans lived together with dinosaurs.

I ask you, is the picture a proof for this theory?

I would say, yes. How can a footprint of a dinosaur and of a human be together in one layer of rock if they didn’t live together at the same time.

But all the Evolution theories and also the theory of Dr. Kent Hovind are just theories! No one has a real proof for his theory because no one was there, when the earth began to be earth.

But I think everyone has to find the theory he/she can believe in.

God will help you to find the right one.

God bless you
-Krissi

things which make you feel good

2007-12-16T06:11:00.000-05:00

This morning at church, our kids of the childrens' service had their nativity scene. It was so awesome to see all the children. It was so cute to see how dithered they were and I really enjoyed it. These cute little girls with their long blond hair dressed up as angles, the proud boys as shepherds... it made me feel good because I reconized that all the time I've spend with them within the last few weeks and all the practice for the nativity scene weren't for nothing.

This morning showed me once more that life is too short to worry too much

The following 50 things can make you feel good:
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15 The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
25. Hearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or
bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much
desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another
beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people
think.
46. Watching the birds in the trees.
47. Taking care of others.
48. Taking a walk and enjoying the sun shining on your face.
49. Having dinner with your family.
50. Spending time with people who care about you and of whom you care.

So open your eyes and be happy about the small things in your life.

I wish you a nice last week before Christmas
enjoy the time and hopefully you won't be in too much hurry for buying the last Christmas presents and doing all the stuff which has to be done before Christmas

God bless you
-Krissi

the first blog entry of Krissi

2007-12-14T10:49:00.000-05:00

Hey!

Archer asked me to write some blog entries during the time he’s on his outreach and Punjabican is on her winter break from school.
It’s some kind of weird for me to blog here because this blog has always been Archer’s for me.
He has always been the one who blogged most of the time and I don’t really know what to write about, especially because I need to write in English and it’s hard for me to find the right English words to say what I mean.

So I just want to introduce myself to the ones who read this blog:
I’m Krissi, I’m from Germany and I’m 19 years old. I’m in my last year of school.
I’m a Christian who has many questions about God, the bible, the right belief and how I can live my life the way God wants me to live it.

I believe in God.
I believe in Jesus.
I believe in the Holy Spirit.
I believe in the opportunity of everyone to change something in this cruel world even if it’s only a small change.
I believe that one day I’ll know what my function in this world is.
I just believe in so many other things I can’t list here because it would take me hours to write them all down.
I believe and that’s good.

Believing is one of the things which weren’t always easy for me and it still isn’t but I believe.
I know so many people who studied Theology and who deal with the bible in a critical way. I got to know this way of dealing with the bible and I still practice it.
But is a critical way of reading the Bible the right way?
One of my friends asked me how I can believe in God when I ask for logical answers to every question.
I can’t tell. It’s my social environment which influences me a lot and which brings me to ask all these questions.
But he told me that it should not be people around me who influence me. It should be God.

And yes, he’s right. God made me to what I am and I’m very thankful for his love and his patience which he always has for me.
But the people around me and their believes influence me as well.

So now you know the thing I’m most struggling with; my belief even if I believe.

(Mark 9,24: Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.)

And I believe that there are many grammar and spelling mistakes in this blog entry. I’m sorry for them but I tried to do my best.

God bless you,
lots of greetings from Germany
-Krissi

welcome Krissi!

2007-12-12T12:27:00.000-05:00

Krissi is now officially the fourth member of the team (the third of the active roster, and the fifth to join the journal)!

please be as kind to her and her views as you have been to myself and mine!

she is not going to be an exact carbon copy of my theology and idealogy, so please don't expect it. in fact i've already told her that i want her to post anything she can think of on here that we disagree about already. there's not much, but she's definitely got a right to post her own stance and opinion.

God be with you all!

see you next year!

PAX
-archer

into able hands, and a very able heart

2007-12-12T06:29:00.000-05:00

as early as Friday, December 14, 2007 i and my partner, Punjabican, will both be unable to contribute here until next year.

it is hard to have to shelve this for now, but when i return from outreach (in Mwanza, TZ) on January 10, 2008, i should have some great stories and observations and other thoughts to post on here. she will be going on winter break from school, as of this friday, and i don't remember exactly when she'll be able to start writing again.

we apologize for the boredom that may ensue whenever you check into this site. God knows i will be bored without this so familiar arm of expression.

but we also trust that we will by no means suffer any loss of creativity and imagination and material to put up on here!

in other news, though slightly related, we're capping off our first calendar year with this blog, with our first anniversary actually coming next month, on January 12. when we began we had four writers. three are still on board, but only two of us remain active. on our first day both Punjabican and i posted about the beginnings of everything we were striving four.

i said, on January 28, "i am going to experience the hardest months of my life to date, this year." the entry was entitled "i never knew i could be so tired"

that holds perfectly true, even though i had yet no real idea of what it was really going to look like.

it's interesting to look back and see that despite our early idealism, we've all stuck to our guns. even the two writers who don't write anymore have remained true to their hearts, and to mine, as my friends, and i know all four of us did something right by starting this journal.

it will be sad to go for so long, writing nothing. if i get a chance to, i have one other friend, deeply involved with all that Punjabican and i are striving toward, and also a great writer--i would like to invite her to join us as well! and perhaps, Punjabican and i will leave this journal in her able hands and very able heart.

thanks to everyone on the team who has made this such a great year! my love and prayers are with you all!

Merry Christmas!
Happy New Year!

May God's constant presence be a blessing and a joy to you as seasons shift.
PAX.
Namaste.
Salaams.
Peace.
-Archer & Punjabican

heat

2007-12-11T06:33:00.001-05:00

the heat is on.
i feel idle once again.
i feel a waste of energy and knowledge.
i need to be out there.
gotta go fight.

the heat is on.

i picked up 'Not On Our Watch' again, after over a month. just in the mood for something political and activism-related. and now i feel more lost than ever.

missions is important, and not more or less important than justice, i believe. frankly, i think Jesus seemed to emphasize how we are to live more than what we are living for in the end. i could be wrong. but that's just the impression i get.

i feel idle once again.

i'm in Africa, but there's so little i can do. i can't give money since i'm so low on it myself. i can't write letters since letters across Africa rarely seem to make it where they're going (sent one to Dodoma, TZ, from here, and one to Capetown--two months ago. no reply.)

i miss lobbying with my colleague Bethany P. she and i were a good team. we hit two congresspersons from Ohio in one week, while thousands of other Amnesty activists were doing the same nation-wide. and that was back in March. i can't do anything like that here. in Darfur, people are still targets.

i feel a waste of energy and knowledge.

i learned a lot about Darfur and other issues like it, while working with Bethany in the spring. i've learned a lot while reading this book. i've learned a lot from peers and fellow passionate people.

i'm nearly consumed by the energy for this task. i'm at the point where i'm willing to pull out anything i can from companies my Roth IRA is invested in, if they're in any way connected to Sudan. i'll march straight up Capital Hill chanting if you give me a chance.

i need to be out there.

sitting here, with all this energy cooped up inside me, feeling so useless and yet so potent, i can think of only two solutions: either go to Khartoum personally, or likewise to D.C.

i need to be among the ranks of the marchers, the lobbyists, the mega-phone shouters and screamers, the political writers and journalists, the eager students and sacrificial soldiers. but i'm here, with an ever watchful eye for just such an opportunity.

gotta go fight.

standing at the edge of the cliff, what else is there to do. i've been backed into the corner by the indifference and ignorance around me. the people with the blank faces don't realize where i am, how close i am to the edge.

but now i've gotta take a stand, raise the banner, draw attention, raise awareness. shake things up. fight. things get dirty when people raise havoc. quiet is more destructive than loud protest. i gotta go join the fight.

Get into gear and make some noise.
-Archer

-a really controversial political/ecclesiastical blog on Hillary Clinton-

2007-12-09T12:05:00.000-05:00

Hitler.
Stalin.
Mao.

Communist China.
Soviet USSR.
NAZI Germany.
Sharia Saudi Arabia.

Disappearances.
Firing Squads.
Hangings.
Arrests.
Public Executions.

...or simply slander.

all these people, places, and things are closely correlated, in collected memory and common knowledge, with the reality of vast persecution. the very last (and seemingly least) on this list, is rarely measured as the same caliber.

but maybe that's all the persecution Jesus and his roving bands will get if Hillary is elected next year.

the Church is (or was) strong under all the regimes listed, in their respective locations. what if the Church would grow if it realized that Christendom didn't have a monopoly on the grand establishment of 'American Government'? ("Hail the con-qu'ring HE-ROOOO!!!" *trumpet blast*)

i wanted to vote for Barack Obama.
(even though he spoke of invading Pakistan)
i wanted to vote for Sam Brownback.
(even though he seems to have a beef against gay people)
i wanted to vote for Ron Paul.
(even though he seems to have no mercy on illegal immigrants)
i wanted to vote for Morgan Freeman.
(even though a great African American like him only stands a chance in 'Deep Impact')
i even wanted to vote for Jesus Christ.
(but Mom told me that would probably be a waste unless His second coming is inauguration day, 2009)

but, no... out of nowhere, while pondering the increasingly over-Christianite right-wing political climate of the U.S. ... God throws me a curveball, and puts a brand new name into this young voter's head.

yeah... hers.

Hillary Clinton.

i'm so confused. but i think maybe she'll have my vote.

i want to clarify this... somehow.

growing up, i was raised in a relatively conservative Christian home. i've had really close friends raised in very strict homes of the like. many of those friends have turned their backs on their old "faith" since it was more of a force-fed, indoctrinated religion. i stated once in a youth group setting, a few years back, that my biggest feared is an entirely Christian-run world. frankly, as i begin to understand american politics, that holds true more fervently than ever. i don't want to live in a Christian nation, just as i don't want to live in an atheist nation (like the former government in Albania), or under Sharia (Qur'an) Law, like Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan, and the northern half of Nigeria.

i can't see any of those places truly benefiting the heart the citizens have for their God (or lack there-of).

Jesus did not overthrow Roman occupation in Israel. Rather, Jesus did attack Pharisee religious leaders on nearly a daily basis.

Jesus attacked religious rulership because it left the Pharisees devoid of love for their beautiful Adonai!

i have a friend attending classes at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia. she's recently written that she misses God. the late Jerry Falwell has set up his school in so distinctly a Christian frame that men and women stay on opposite ends of campus, and on only one day a year is any member of the opposite sex (aside from immediate family, hopefully) allowed into your dorm room, as a sort of 'Open House'. God is everywhere on that campus, and seemingly nowhere in the hearts of some of its students.

my friend misses God, on a Christian college campus in the Bible Belt of the USofA!

people say they’ll leave the country if Hillary’s elected. who knows, maybe she’ll deport half of us anyway... i know so little of her politics--except that she’s a caricature of the devil to so many right-wing Christians.

i think i’d rather leave a country under the rulership of Pharisees than abandon the strong and the few faithful, under Nero.

“So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.” -Paul’s letter to the members of the Church in Galatia, chapter 5: verse 1

if we are free to choose, will we not choose the Truth?

PAX (ROMANA)

an amendment to my reading list

2007-12-08T06:59:00.000-05:00

not a fan of serial killer novels. thought i could go with 'The Poet', mentioned a few posts ago, but no-siree-bob! it wasn't exactly of the calibre of "film noir" which is what i'd hoped for. with was worse than Law & Order SVU.

not my thing. especially since lately it's just been the last book i've been in the mood to pick up. i pulled it out of my satchel (which is with me no matter where i am, no matter what room on the base i'm occupying!)--an incredibly huge step since i over-pack to compensate for any kind of mood i might be in for various reading material. frankly pulling it out was a huge vote of no confidence!

it just isn't edifying. i think i'm finally beginning to face things the way my dad does. he's got a knack for removing books and movies that won't do his psyche (or more importantly, his relationship with Jesus) any good, and he sacks 'em, reads or watches something better, and never misses a beat in life.

i think i'm finally growing up and getting to that point in my walk with the Son of God. i just don't want filler crap any more.

feels good to put this novel behind me for good!

PAX.

Rose with Dirty Feet

2007-12-08T03:06:00.000-05:00

i scrambled frantically around while the rest of my class was still singing worship songs in the classroom, across the courtyard. i collected a large plastic basin from the showers in the guy's restroom, my own bath towel, and an 8-inch ceramic bowl from the kitchen, filling it carefully with the cleanest water i could, since the base has been running on muddy water for the past 48 hours.

the words of John's gospel (chapter 13:1-17) pulsing through my heart as i try to make sense of what just entered my mind while looking across the classroom, singing Swahili spirituals, my eyes locked on a woman named Rose. she'll be leaving our DTS early because she's pregnant and probably about to pop. she won't be doing the outreach, but she'll be able to re-attend just that phase of any of the upcoming DTSes next year.

our leader explained Rose's farewell story to us after we finished eating, and our speaker for the week prayed over her, preparing her for the journey ahead, along the road home, across the breadth of Tanzania.

as the singing began, Jesus' action and words in John's gospel stabbed into me from no place i can imagine. origin-less, these thoughts led me to take another drag on my coke bottle, setting it down on the table in front of me again, and then exitting the chorus.

coming back across the courtyard now, mission accomplished, i was steadily carrying a basin, cradling a bowl and my big brown towel, praying in the dark of night that i wasn't spilling anything. i didn't understand where this had come from.

Jesus, i haven't done this in years. is this really your idea? am i gonna look really vain? i feel like an attention grabber.

10 minutes later, i was on my knees in a room only occupied by myself and three others, dipping my clumsy, lanky white hands into the bowl, and carrying water carefully over to Rose's feet waiting in the basin.

"Maji baridi?"
"Ndiyo."
She hisses. i've just told her that yes, the water will be cold.
"Pole." (Sorry.)

at first the water invokes a recoil on her part, but soon, as Paul reads the story in John 13, from his Swahili Bible, seated next to her, i am lost in the one i am imitating.

first the right foot, then she withdraws it, dried to the touch, and offers her left foot, just as thickened, toughened, and scarred as the first. her brown skin is difficult to gauge concerning it's cleanliness, but i'm thorough anyway. and then finishing up, i wipe it dry with my towel, draped in a bundle over my right shoulder.

she blesses me quietly ("Mungu aku bariki.") as i look up at her when i finish, pulling away the basin and bowl, drying up the floor where Jesus had humbled me. Paul finishes reading, closing the bible, unable to meet my eyes, because his are watering up. not because of what i've done, i'm sure, but because Rose is one of his best friends here, and she's leaving too soon. i hug them both, resting my head on both shoulders in turn, and then just as quietly as i'd begun, i'm done, and take my leave.

suddenly all i want is to be alone with Jesus.
suddenly all i can think about is Jesus, the Son of Man whom i've just imitated and obeyed.
and suddenly i get why i did it.
it had nothing to do with Rose, really. she may or may not remember the mzungu who washed her feet, several months from now, while caring for her sixth child in its infant stages. but i'll remember how captive i suddenly was to Jesus.
and he'll remember what it was like to have, on this rare occassion, my full attention.

PAX.

doing singleness the wrong way...

2007-12-05T10:21:00.001-05:00

flipping shut the novel i checked out of the library here on the base a few days ago, a murder mystery called 'The Poet', i'm nearly to page 100 of the paperback, and the action's starting to kick into high gear, as the protagonist, Jack McEvoy--a homicide reporter at a Denver newspaper--stumbles onto a theory that link's his cop brother's recent suicide with another cop suicide 2000 miles away in Chicago, making it look like a serial killer. he sets his sights on Chicago, D.C., and the FBI HQ on the east coast, aiming to track down this story.

McEvoy's a 35-year-old bachelor who's lived in the same apartment for the past 9 years, working the same reporter beat at the paper.

reading about his life suddenly taking a turn for... (at least) the more interesting and exciting, i found myself strapping on my bag, slipping into my sandals, throwing on my shirt, shrugging sleep off, grabbing my 1.5 liter Kilimanjaro water bottle, with the label ripped off, and heading down the steps from my bunk in the dorm room, toward the bathroom. stop at the sink on the way out, scrub my face with water and wake myself up, then run my fingers through my hair that i'm growing out in a rather mottley fashion, and head out into the open courtyard, feeling invincible.

standing coolly in the shadows, my unkempt brown hair striking strange shadows across the tan bricks and chop-cut grass behind the short bushes, i breathe deeply, and suddenly realize the attitude shift that's come over me.

i suddenly feel like i'm on top of the world. i'm only going to check my email and perhaps blog a bit, really, so why this high? nothing fancy or new about me... just the bag i spent less than 14 bucks on in town, after getting a wad of cash out of the NBC ATM in Arusha. maybe it's because everything went so smoothly, or just because i am dwelling so much in God's goodness to me, that i'm frankly forgetting the key to all of this:

once i get to feeling this good, i'm likely to forget where the source of this joy really is.

i am liable to phase God out of the celebration, right at the kick-off.

i am on the verge of doing singleness the wrong way. where i start to get the hyper-inflated sense of self-worth, and my own ability to get involved and actually influence things. me and my intentionally shabby appearance begin to form an ego to go along with the care-freeness of it all.

i gotta remember--and reclaim--the simple truth of this only working if it's only about Jesus. not about being single.
the latter's great and all, but not if it's not filled in by something much, much better!

it's a daily thing: re-working on that. but it's good. just can't get too caught up with the crazy hair and the deadly hyper-inflation of Asher.

Peace.
Jesus.
Love.

-archer

think for myself

2007-12-04T08:34:00.000-05:00

there are two different trains of thought that i find myself bouncing back and forth between here: the willingness to accept everything. and the need to contest everything.

this DTS is teaching me about these two major viewpoints of the world. and everyone fits into one or the other. for the most part.

on the one hand, most of my African brothers and sisters can be taught anything by our speakers at this school, and it becomes their belief, in a heartbeat. that's not always bad, but it's dangerous when several times teachers and speakers here have slipped up and delivered us false information.

which brings me to the next group. all of us westerners here (by far the out-numbered ones, running close to 7:1 on the base) often jump at every chance to complain about anything. it comes from being raised and schooled into thinking that as westerners we're always right. this is also dangerous (though contesting things is not always bad).

it becomes difficult for me, as one westerner (the one who'd at first been so open to complete assimilation with African culture, and is now seemingly the one most anxious to return to the familiar things in life), as i wade between two sharply different outlooks.

i have definitely grown to question a lot of things about human relations, theological truths, applied biblical truths, and crazy jazz like that.

the most interesting thing is learning to think for myself. as a dear friend of mine puts it, i am "the representation of the bandwagon fallacy." (thank you Emily!)

it's what you've got to do, think for yourself, remembering that no other human has any right to direct you, rather you must belong wholly in your own realm with the God you are in love with. God meets everyone on a different level. ergo at the same time as thinking for myself, i've also gotta be looking first at Jesus, and letting him tear into my soul, carving out the junk i don't need and establishing the throne i pledged to him there, at age three.

Jesus: "well, asher, it's about time!"
asher: "yeah, well, ya see... um... i never really realized what i meant! i mean, come on, i was young... yeah, i know that's cliche, but it works, right?"
Jesus: "how old are you now, asher?"
asher: (ashamed, awkward silence)
Jesus: "do you really not trust me with your heart and soul? do you really think you're the better driver? or am i just your 'co-pilot'?"
asher: "uh... Jesus?"
Jesus: "yeah?"
asher: "i haven't taken really good care of myself, already. you sure you wanna drive a junker? i mean, i'm no lamborghini."
Jesus: "have you seen any other lamborghinis on the road?"
asher: "not exactly. only in magazines and billboards and TV and what-not."
Jesus: "yeah. thought so. they're just fakin' it."
asher: "figures."
Jesus: "yeah, they don't let me drive either. they just make it out of their own kit. spit-shine and whatever else makes em look good. but they don't last. if you let me drive, asher, we'll last. you and me. that's all there is too it. no girlfriends. no porn. no beer. no joints. no pride. no gossip. no quarrelling. no disobeying your parents--*"
asher: "wait! what? hey now--"
Jesus: "...just you and me. do you trust me? really? good. open up."

so i guess this makes me wonder if i'm really thinking for myself, as the term would imply, simplistically. but, ah, what the heck... probably better this way, eh?

PAX.
-archer

*(though this is pretty much irrelevant to the blog, Romans 1.18-32 clearly outlines tons of other sins on par with homosexuality. yes, i have an agenda. i don't deny it. but this is simply the truth i wanna show here. but i'll write more about that later...)

until next monday...

2007-12-04T03:23:00.000-05:00

...i'm feeling much better. the expunging of my systems cleared everything out, as i figured, and after spending an hour and a half, sleeping on the bathroom stall floor, my head resting on my roll of toilet paper, my own body crumpled into itself in muted pain, until 11pm... waking this morning was a blessing!

i feel so much more alive! it's beautiful! God really is good! i strangely found myself softly humming and trying to remember all the words to a good worship song last night, before i laid down on the stall floor. it was interesting, just seeing that despite my near agony, i could be thankful that in literally everything, God's presence never changes!

the weather today is amazing... feels like the first week of summer... the last week of classes. the perfect breeze, the reasonably cool and warm temperatures. the decent cloud cover from time to time. it feels really good. really peaceful!

i'm gonna go back to class now... it's kinda cool that even being in class is starting to fill me with fond memories of high school and that one random year of college (that probably won't be the last of my 'higher education', considering new "revelations" of sorts)...

life is good.
God is good.
Peace to you all, brothers and sisters.

(i have every intention of not eating anything but the bread-and-butter breakfast on sunday... i'm in no mood for a fifth knock-out round!)

PAX.

oh, what's the word...?

2007-12-03T05:41:00.000-05:00

there's a word i can't really remember all that well. my first girlfriend, freshman year of high school, used to always call herself this. and it fits me now more than ever before in my life. it means you do something a lot, way more than everyone else, and it's not healthy, and now, as i attempt to find the word on dictionary.com, you shall see (hopefully) how miserable i have become due to this condition.

it seems to happen every monday.

i'm a valetudinarian.

yep, i'm an invalid. chronically sick. frickin sucks.

this is the fourth time since i arrived in Arusha 3 months ago that i've been nauseous. the last three times i was fine after ...um... clearing my system.

sadly this time around that hasn't happened yet. and i've missed the first class session of the week. and i'm going to miss work duty too. for the third time since last monday--i had a fever that day.

between 4 nauseated mornings, a fever or two, chronic weakness that clung for a month as fatigue, and random headaches that cripple most of my human functions, i'm pretty much an invalid. no point in trying to dodge that description, i don't figure. but yeah. can't wait till this passes.

Patrick prayed with me a bit this morning, and i honestly believe i'll be well by the time i wake up tomorrow, if not before. but still.... hanging in limbo like this gets on my nerves.

obviously, i'm not nearly as articulate as i can be in my writings, and that coupled with a general sense of impending doom (and a runny nose left over from last week's fever), i'm pretty much having a crummy day.

it'll get better no doubt, i just wish i could function better. and i wish dinner wasn't going to be ugali and sukuma. but, c'est la vie.

to be quite honest, just writing this with a vaguely comical flare and imagining the reactions to some of my terminology, by a handful of my audience, a new smile rests upon my face.

so, i guess, i almost get to laugh at your misfortune as you read this. (as we say here in East Africa, pronounced "Po-lay", as a sign of feeling bad for someone:) "Pole!"

hey, look at it this way, at least your discomfort only lasts as long as it takes you to read half a page! this is the part wherein i become jealous.

PAX everybody!
(oh, and um... pray that i can ... expunge last night's dinner.)
-archer

Trust.

2007-11-29T08:55:00.001-05:00

God saw what he had created and it was good.

Amen.

when Intra nixes Inter

2007-11-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

i can barely begin to write what i would like to write, certain of only one thing:
that i am uncertain how long i will ramble, or exactly what i will mean to say by the last words of this entry. here goes, brothers and sisters.

Intrapersonal is far more challenging for me. as a concept, Intrapersonal is not very appealling to me normally, aside from moments when suddenly romance is the farthest thing from my mind. but lately, after this current resurfacing, and finding yet another window in which to reach in and throttle me while i dream, i am choked by the need to be Intrapersonal.

Interpersonal is out of the question for the time being. i don't really know how exaclty to do such a thing: i shall live these coming weeks, months, perhaps years, seeking only my Jesus and my Adonai and my Spirit. and seeking only myself. only Archer. i have no desire to allow myself to yet again get more-or-less "hitched" to someone. been there. done that. got hurt. hurt her. it sucks.

i need some time as me. i've got a lot of work to do on myself. a lot of effort to pour into the right relationship. i can't keep working on all the wrong ones before their time.

i think i want to be married. but i want to be married to my best friend, not my girlfriend. i want my wife to know me. not just kiss me and hold me. i want my wife to treat me like any other woman i know most of the time. i want a friendship, not just a "relationship." i want truth, not romance. i want genuine love, not puppy love or high school sweethearts. i want a partner in life, someone to work with all my life, not someone i simply come home to every night, who just makes me my meals, cleans my house, and cuddles with me for a movie at night.

i know i want something real. i want someone who aches for justice, and lives in the moment, unaware of the perception others have of her. i want someone who laughs so hard she cries, and cries so hard her head hurts. i want someone very broken, very imperfect, very far from anything i can continue to describe. so i won't even try.

but before i even consider any of these, i need my Jesus and my Adonai and my Spirit.

these i need, and only these. and now i've got my choice. a great deal of mistakes in my past, but there's no pressure on me to win any heart, but to simply return to the heart i never had to win.

pray for me. i've got a long and winding road ahead of me, and i'm really excited for it!
PAX.
-archer

for the record...

2007-11-26T10:27:00.000-05:00

i was just informed this morning, in an observation from a dear friend who read my most recent blog, the Essay (on Evil and Good). she pointed out that Love and Hate are not opposites, rather she said that any of these words would be better opposed to Love:
apathy
coldness
coolness
deadness
casualness
languidness
indifference
carelessness
lukewarmness
insensibleness
halfheartedness

her very real evidence and reasoning is that if you Hate someone you still actually have a feeling toward them... you care about them in one way or another. you think of them in someway, and the opposite of Love is supposed to be the opposite of the greatest affection, care, concern, noticing, and whatever else. thank you for clearing that up... if i ever get around to writing about more of those topic i listed in the beginning (as i hope to relatively soon), then i will be sure you straighten everything out!

Peace to all in a world devoted to Unrest.
-Archer

inherently.... which? (or witch?) --An Essay

2007-11-25T07:58:00.000-05:00

Good vs. Evil

Joy vs. Suffering

Order vs. Chaos

Enlightenment vs. Endarkenment

Love vs. Hate

Care vs. Indifference

Law vs. Corruption

Which one would you say is more prevalent, of each of these comparisons?

in Lance Morrow's book, Evil: An Investigation, i have come face to face with something i never really wanted to believe or accept. this was perhaps one of my most morbid mistakes i've allowed within my own mind.

i had completely ruled out the possibility that Good was not the Rule of life, that which controls human thought and will. sadly, in this foolishness, i came to think that the world was shot to Hell, because of all the Evil in it at present (which may or may not have increased over the centuries).

looking at this 'Investigation' the Boston University Professor offers us, i find it hard to believe that Evil is not the Rule of life. cast in another light by Jake Pelfrey of the Chicago area, Suffering becomes recognized as the commonplace, with Joy as it's infrequent but always glorious counterpart--the breaking of the Rule.

Joy like a sunflare tears into the darkness created by the original Fall of Man. rather, since i'm not a fan of archaic gender selection, the "Fall of Humanity." ever since that moment--whether or not it's quite physically sound the theological representation of the Fall makes sense enough to me--humans have always been attreacted to their own will and desires. and normally what the human mind can come up with, it can often see as a feasible action. OBVIOUSLY, this is not the case with everything that enters our imagination, for we do not ALL desire absolute Chaos in our lifetime!

but these two writers have shown me the very blunt and dangerously concealable truth that i've been looking at the world in the wrong way. i've seen life and the World's events, both on a microscopic and a mammoth scale to be so devastatingly harsh and unruly, as the very action of breaking the Rule.

however, that thought doesn't stand in light of these recent readings. i find myself so easily contaminated by a hatred of the World's events. i don't think i have a right to complain, since is simply Right that is breaking the Rule. Wrong is left in a ditch to fend for itself as the spears of the righteous (in all facets of life) strike out and tear the darkness.

this revelation forces us to realize how likely it is that the real Evil in the history of the Salem Witch Trials, is the Evil that captivated the minds of those tightening the nooses.

--something just came to mind that should have gently began my conversion to this way of thinking long ago! i just remembered a lyric from the famous U2 song, called "God Part II", where Bono quotes from another famous Christian singer whose name i've forgotten, using the phrase "[i'm] gonna kick the darkness till it bleeds daylight!"

as Pelfrey says in his article on RelevantMagazine.com,
"After reading this I learned that I was looking through foggy eyes of expectation. Instead I should have been looking through the eyes of joy. Suffering should not overwhelm me, but instead I should be staggered by joy when it decides to shine through."

and Morrow points out the problem with conventional archaic views on evil, on page 17,
"Do not bother to demonize people as being inherently evil. That's not how it works. Instead, we should view evil as opportunistic, passing like an electrical through the world and through people; or wandering like an infection that takes up residence in individuals or cultures from time to time."

and again, Morrow addresses the ever-presence of Evil on page 4,
"Without an awareness of evil, people become confused; they fail to anticipate its ruthless possibilities. In the new instantaneous global dimension, it may be catastrophic not to think clearly about evil, not to be aware of what it is capable of doing."

Evil is not necessarily always present and working, but it preys on our already self-centered mind.

i must also say here that there are obvious holes in this outlook, once you look at people who really know God, and really know Jesus. as they begin to look more and more like the Godhead (the Trinity), they begin to have less of themselves and their own will. no person is perfectly free from their own will unless as Paul says in his letter to the Galations, "it is no longer [they] who live, but Christ lives in [them]."(2.20 NLT)

frankly, as far as i see it, this is a person's only way out of the trap where Evil can drift in, as it flows "from place to place along the channels of least resistance." (Morrow, 17) we otherwise become caught up and contaminated by Evil when it comes our way, as it drifts in and out of the minds of humanity. seven billion people on the planet. seems like Evil's got too many doors into this world.

and also, as far as i figure, Jesus is kinda the only way to pure Joy in this world. ergo, from our personal relationships with this Jesus do we encounter his Joy and thus have our own opportunities to share Joy and act in Joy, in Jesus' name.

this all sounds really preachy, i know. but it's the Truth as far as i can tell.

Pelfrey closes his article with this very approapriate subtle prescription for us all, no matter what faith we cling to, and whether or not we know the whole Truth:
"But we also learned that on those days in the dreaded desert, one may find a little flower blooming in the immense heat. Its presence is comforting, and the joy it carries is overpowering."

Amen. May the Peace and Joy of the Lord Jesus Christ dwell in you.
and again i say Amen.

what i am coming to learn, and coming to love.

2007-11-24T06:51:00.000-05:00

please read this article.

i am relatively unacquainted with the truth of suffering, of hopelessness.

i am a poor missionary student.
no stable bank account state-side.
the poorest of the westerners in this YWAM DTS in Arusha, Tanzania.
the one who's broken two hearts in one fell swoop--mine among the two.
the one who's defied everything about my old culture.
the one who can barely afford to be using this computer.
the one who can barely afford to call home.
the brother and son missing his family.
the brother missing his brother.
the brother missing his sister.
the brother missing his dog.
the one who cries the most.
the one who has mood swings.
the one who hurts most among the team of students.
the one who has just recently encountered personal hopelessness, and barely survived it.
the one aching for ancient voices, both human and otherwise.
the one who is at peace.
the one who writes too much, reads too much, thinks too much.
...but is still held and loved by God.

just read this article.

if you think you know suffering, this'll step on your toes, laugh at your ideas, and then lovingly give you a better idea of how to live, and how to look at life.

Amen.
Peace.
Love.
Joy.
Suffering.
to You.
Amen.

Church ..part two..

2007-11-20T12:18:00.001-05:00

"Jesus said to the people who believed in him, "'you are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. and you will know the thruth, and the truth will set you free... So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.'"
-John 8.31-32,36

all truth we ever learn is meant to point us toward the Son who truly craves a relationship with us. but, as Taylor pointed out, we are given the freedom to choose to live in freedom. or we can stick to our old ways. as many of Jesus' disciples deserted him in John 6.60-71, he humbly asked the 12, "are you also going to leave?" (v.67)

i can picture that revolutionary leader, already pushed into the ground by the religious leaders of the time, living his whole life both solely AS truth, and FOR truth. and when people refuse truth, whether given proof or no, it can destroy the good messenger. with sadness weighing on him, Jesus turned from the crowd to his twelve closest brothers, looking each of them in the eyes for a moment as he annunciated those pain-surged words. possibly on the verge of tears, he slows down his speech, letting each syllable bring his gaze to another apostle in the small huddle. the wind on the hillside is forced to the background of all thought for the apostles. the sun burning on their faces and the sand beneath their toes, uncomfortably shifting on the pads of their sandals--all sensation is forgotten and lost unto them. their leader, their beloved hero, the only person they have any real stock in... has just challenged them. perhaps, the apostles might think, if this is the messiah, doesn't he already know what i'm going to do? either way, they realize they definitely have the choice now. hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time Jesus reaches Golgotha. this is one of the moments they can leave him and blend with the crowd.

given the choice, every time i face a hard teaching, it takes me weeks, often, to face up to what Jesus' words and example will mean for me. and these hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time i reach Sheol. ever moment is one of those moments when i can leave him and slip into the massive deserting crowd. it's just too easy.

but with those eyes on the verge of tears, i already know i've got to stick by my master, my Father, the one who's invested so much in me. ignoring the sun, the wind, the sand... i've got to cross the line onto the other side. a daily Alamo challenge.

i think the whole Church faces it. there's not much we can do if we really know who we're hurting by saying no. if we really know who we're loving and pleasing by saying yes.

as each of the twelve cross the invisible line and move closer to their Rabbi--their Lord--they watch the tears in his eyes fade. a stray tear slides silently down his cheek. not one of the apostles blames him for it. greeted with a warm embrace, one by one, in the gathering dusk, this weak-seeming gesture is turned on its head and used in the most profound way it's ever been used troughout the course of all eternal history. in fact, they likely think, this is why i love him more--because he shows us how much he loves us. and this reciprocal love before the twelve sinners even have an inkling of the cross to come.

we know about the overabundance of love and sacrifice because the cross has already come. the Church needs to understand who she's betrothed to. we need to be faithful. to every word of teaching. to every gesture of acceptance. to every example of truth. to every ounce of real love.

Peace be with us all. in Jesus' name.