Monday, June 11, 2007

nineteen


i move on this morning, from the generic age of "eighteen" to the new and interesting age of "nineteen".

i don't feel old.

rather i feel lost. moreso than i ever have.

God, i've been reaching for each and every clue you've given me. i've strapped on my sandals and prepared to jump. i've been moments from screaming "GERONIMOOOOO!" at the top of my lungs and giving all i've got to something i've really believed you were leading me to. only to find again and again that something isn't quite right about my ideas.

the girl i'm in love with... she and i are in a difficult spot with the likelihood that she'll be going off to school in the fall, and i'll just be in Indiana... wallowing purposeless. It really is a beautiful state. the people are beautiful there too. i am kinda excited. but i'm equally drained.

i have my sandals strapped on, God. and all the maps i had laid out, you've burned them all. my tattoo almost feels like something i'll be regretting in years to come. Africa. Saving the World. Being in Love. wonderful things i've always dreamed about and for some reason i am stuck in a new depression.

i don't think anyone sees how hard this is for me. how low i really am.

i think i'll just pick up and go somewhere. see where you lead me.

i've always wanted to be Brother Andrew. to be Elijah. to be any one of the 12 apostles who actually really just "left everything" to follow you, God.

i still do. and now it's all i can do. and all i can do to hold my breath, to stay on, to trudge further in this motion-less state.

i've gained no ground in several months, my Lord God.

i want to please you and that's all that matters. Adonai, my beloved... show me how to do what you want me to do.
and make my next path as obvious and perfect as the yellow brick road.

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