the blister on my left heel and the presence of God--part 2-------------------------------------------------------- or 'when and why i blog'

(i generally only blog when i KNOW i'm wrong, or when i THINK i'm right. interesting...)



i am not an angry person, but i am often very anger.
i am not a bitter person, but sometimes bitterness takes hold of me.

i am not a happy person, but i often know true joy!
i am not a perfect person, but sometimes goodness takes hold of me.

i blogged last night because i was bitter and angry.

Jesus only got angry on the behalf of others.

i don't think i was angry last night on the behalf of others. i am annoyed by the fact that because i dress poorly, walk barefoot constantly, and carry my most prescious books and trinkets in a backpack, i look like the kind of person who doesn't belong in the society.

that is correct. i do not belong in this world i live in. i'm talking primarily about middle-class america. as long as there is lower-class nigeria and bottom-class india (the untouchables), and upper-class western world... i belong at the bottom rung.
i will try to serve, in order to better follow the Jesus who i claim to trust in. the Jesus who knows me better than anyone, and knows just how broken and beautiful i can be.

but what i did wrong last night, was i actually got angry only on my wn behalf. the lower class world was not attacked. i was attacked by their prejudice. and maybe that means they think little of everyone poorer than they.
either way, they attacked me alone. this means my anger was unwarranted.

and i apologize.

i actually honestly wanted to invite that couple to dinner with me somewhere, just so i could better understand them, and explain to them what it is that makes me walk at night.

but i didn't really even tell them why i was walking, and who i was going out to meet. i am guilty of misguidance. i am guilty of anger on no reasonable count. i am guilty of selfishness. i wanted fresh air to meet with my maker, whereas all he needed was a stilled heart, and an empty room in this house i occupy. my bad.


forgive me, God. forgive me, my un-named brother and sister. i wish i knew you better and understood why you did not appreciate what i was doing last night. forgive me, brothers and sisters whom i do know, those of you who are supporting me and partnering with me and enabling me to go wherever i feel God calling me to go.

thank you for blessing me.
i am not perfect.
i am not good. ("there is no one who does good, not even one." -Romans 3.12b)

but i am trying to be like this guy Jesus who has both wrecked and resurrected my life.
amen.

the real heroes

for what it's worth, i must tell you that great numbers of people doing small things with great love... they have just saved thousands of lives in India.

i get newsletters from many organizations asking for me to help with certain issues all around the world, largely affecting the sick and the poor. they are your burden just as much as they are mine. and they are my burden just as much as they are their own. no one gets off the hook.

in the case which the organization called CARE has been tracking and fighting for, in India, i just learned today that Novartis (a huge pharmaceutical company which has been pushing to make ILLEGAL, a score of generic brands of life-saving Anti-Retroviral drugs--ARVs--in India) has DROPPED its case!

i was first made aware of this struggle in the Indian courts sometime last fall, and from time to time, i've had new news. frankly i think all i ever did for this case was a generic letter online with maybe a couple personal tweaks, and my "signature". it's a lot when a lot of people are doing it. but i'm certainly no hero. the point is, many many people actually hand-wrote letters to the Indian government and none of it was the usual, tailored story that most of us with computers have the convenience of dealing with. i read a couple excerpts from these letters in the email newsletter i just got.

here's the excerpts that were among the many words shared with the Indian government that have, at least for a while, secured the affordable ARVs for India's poorest brothers and sisters... these two women are among the heroes of this battle!

"I hope you know what AIDS has done and is still doing in Africa . . I have three blood sisters who depend on ARV's for life. I may not be infected with AIDS but I am affected because I am nursing beloved ones who are infected and keeping orphans of those who are gone." -- Hannah , Zambia

"As a woman and mother of two children of my own, I ask you please drop this case against the Indian government. If I were sick and needed lifesaving drugs, I can't possibly imagine what it would be like to be denied those drugs. Please don't deny other women the chance to live." --Michelle, LA

i say again... only small things, with great love.
PAX.