...that makes me feel childish, yet i am nearly twenty.
it is possible that someone is reading this who knows very well the person to whom i am referring, when i state that i have likely royally screwed up a friendship with someone i never got the chance to get too close to, before i went and buggered it up with short-sighted remedies of simple anxiety. and now, i am afraid to lose her friendship because she seems really cool.
maybe i'll get another chance, but for the time being, pray as i might for things to return to normalcy, i have no idea how i must act to fix this for the long-term.
anyone who's known me more than a year can gather a fuller extent of info simply based on experience with me. yeah, it's probably what you're thinking. and yeah, i need help, and suggestions.
this'd be so much easier if i just knew more people here. then i'd have balanced everything out to begin with, but i didn't know hardly anyone else, so i messed up by focusing so intently on one friendship that i frankly blew a hole in whatever had been built up.
tonight i went out with some guys from church (all at least 3 or 4 years older than me, which made me feel special) to see Leatherheads, after watching some Rob Bell sermon stuff at bible study, and it was really helpful to get out again, with GUYS!!!! when the freak did THAT last happen?! it was cool.
balance is re-taking what it once held to its own, and hopefully with this balance, and with my striving to give her just the right amount of space, there will be healing, and i will rejoice in that. for now, though, i'm content to be working in the right direction, and asking God to help me get there.
pax, everyone.
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
confession (round 2)
last May i posted about several major character flaws of mine.
since that time i haven't really had too many opportunities to say anything further on the topic of my character flaws. but now i've come up with a reason for that to change.
i've got another character flaw to address and willingly expose to the few who don't already see this in me. tonight i had a bit of a chance to reflect on all my past relationships with girlfriends... i was driving home from a Bible study where the leader's daughter (a friend of my little sister) said something along the lines of, "so, i heard you got engaged in Africa?" apparently my sister had not only blabbed to this friend, but to a hand-full of other friends i've never even met, not to mention this friend tonight told her mother, and i've already told her father, in another related discussion.
it doesn't really bother me at all that people know this about me (as long as i'm able to explain and contextualize that statement!) fact of the matter is that i was, in fact, according to cultural norms, engaged to a girl i met on my team in Arusha, simply because i found her attractive and she caught on. it was all a whirlwind from there. we ended up fine by the end of it, sticking to our single selves, however, somewhere along the lines i'd further damaged my credibility, and apparently, she had as well. or i had done so, for her. i don't really know, or comprehend it all.
the point is, including the fact that i've been engaged already and "broken it off" (though i was oblivious of the severity of it until about a month and a half later!) i've simply had too many girlfriends too deal with myself. i'm not proud of it, and it's shown me just how weak i really am in this area.
i wear a purity ring. it's a small, ding-ed up silver ring on my left ring finger. from over 5 feet away, looks like i'm married. i look over 20, sometimes as old as 26, apparently... basically, with this ring on, i look untouchable.
that's just the way i want it to be for now--i'm still trying to go a couple years on my own, just workin things out with God, since i really haven't had such a chance since my sophomore year of high school... ergo it's time for a bleedin' break!
basically, i mess up. i ROYALLY mess up. i go back and forth between the Reign of Over-Zealous and the Reigned-in Over-Cautious! apparently, subconsciously i think that firing both kinds of weapons will balance things out and create a pleasant, neutral reaction. sometimes i get lucky (i.e. not dumb) and i ease in a statement here or there, where it could've been quite explosive instead, and totally read in the wrong (or right) way! thankfully, that hasn't happened too recently... barely.
just trying to hold myself together, and keep my sights on Aslan, and not get too tripped up trying to play the field for the time being. i've done enough of that at this point. i apologize to all whom i've hurt. please forgive me.
hopefully this next stint on earth will prove better-handled.
PAX.
since that time i haven't really had too many opportunities to say anything further on the topic of my character flaws. but now i've come up with a reason for that to change.
i've got another character flaw to address and willingly expose to the few who don't already see this in me. tonight i had a bit of a chance to reflect on all my past relationships with girlfriends... i was driving home from a Bible study where the leader's daughter (a friend of my little sister) said something along the lines of, "so, i heard you got engaged in Africa?" apparently my sister had not only blabbed to this friend, but to a hand-full of other friends i've never even met, not to mention this friend tonight told her mother, and i've already told her father, in another related discussion.
it doesn't really bother me at all that people know this about me (as long as i'm able to explain and contextualize that statement!) fact of the matter is that i was, in fact, according to cultural norms, engaged to a girl i met on my team in Arusha, simply because i found her attractive and she caught on. it was all a whirlwind from there. we ended up fine by the end of it, sticking to our single selves, however, somewhere along the lines i'd further damaged my credibility, and apparently, she had as well. or i had done so, for her. i don't really know, or comprehend it all.
the point is, including the fact that i've been engaged already and "broken it off" (though i was oblivious of the severity of it until about a month and a half later!) i've simply had too many girlfriends too deal with myself. i'm not proud of it, and it's shown me just how weak i really am in this area.
i wear a purity ring. it's a small, ding-ed up silver ring on my left ring finger. from over 5 feet away, looks like i'm married. i look over 20, sometimes as old as 26, apparently... basically, with this ring on, i look untouchable.
that's just the way i want it to be for now--i'm still trying to go a couple years on my own, just workin things out with God, since i really haven't had such a chance since my sophomore year of high school... ergo it's time for a bleedin' break!
basically, i mess up. i ROYALLY mess up. i go back and forth between the Reign of Over-Zealous and the Reigned-in Over-Cautious! apparently, subconsciously i think that firing both kinds of weapons will balance things out and create a pleasant, neutral reaction. sometimes i get lucky (i.e. not dumb) and i ease in a statement here or there, where it could've been quite explosive instead, and totally read in the wrong (or right) way! thankfully, that hasn't happened too recently... barely.
just trying to hold myself together, and keep my sights on Aslan, and not get too tripped up trying to play the field for the time being. i've done enough of that at this point. i apologize to all whom i've hurt. please forgive me.
hopefully this next stint on earth will prove better-handled.
PAX.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Kenya: Kikuyu: Kibaki
i'm only a several hours' drive from Nairobi, here, possibly the closest i'll ever be to Kenya's capital in the next several years, sadly.
and everything in Kenya has been pretty much shot to hell.
i've become so absorbed with all the news from Kenya since things started getting fishy only several days after Christmas, with the Election Commission delaying in publishing the winner of the race.
and a couple nights ago i had coffee with John, the base leader here, his wife Jesinta, K-K, Jeff, and Megan. John and his wife are Kenyans, living here in Arusha, running the base. the other four of us are all from the west.
Jesinta left us as the conversation shifted toward politics and the night wore on, for she had children to tend to for bedtime.
a couple other guests had already left, and gone to bed. thus it was only the five of us, with John and i in the thick of it, since i'm the only westerner who's really been following the whole thing.
i found out that Kibaki, the "president" of Kenya (who nearly undoubtedly won by mass rigging of the votes), who has already run the country for 5 years, has nearly backed himself into a corner. i pointed out that i'm surprised no one's assassinated him yet.
John told me that if things keep going the way they are for maybe only another two months, it's not too far-fetched of an idea.
either way, among his options are:
resigning.
going to court.
calling for a re-election which will bring about the first two options, probably, since he'll lose.
or being killed.
brother Kibaki, what have you done?
i do not pity you. i do not sympathize with you at all. if you even still cared about your own people, the Kikuyus, then maybe i'd feel bad for you. but you don't. their deaths and displacement mean nothing to you.
you are my brother, only as long as you remain human. you're nearing that boundary, and i fear you'll cross it, brother.
i cannot wait for justice to be dealt to you and yours.
step down and allow Odinga to save your countrymen.
and everything in Kenya has been pretty much shot to hell.
i've become so absorbed with all the news from Kenya since things started getting fishy only several days after Christmas, with the Election Commission delaying in publishing the winner of the race.
and a couple nights ago i had coffee with John, the base leader here, his wife Jesinta, K-K, Jeff, and Megan. John and his wife are Kenyans, living here in Arusha, running the base. the other four of us are all from the west.
Jesinta left us as the conversation shifted toward politics and the night wore on, for she had children to tend to for bedtime.
a couple other guests had already left, and gone to bed. thus it was only the five of us, with John and i in the thick of it, since i'm the only westerner who's really been following the whole thing.
i found out that Kibaki, the "president" of Kenya (who nearly undoubtedly won by mass rigging of the votes), who has already run the country for 5 years, has nearly backed himself into a corner. i pointed out that i'm surprised no one's assassinated him yet.
John told me that if things keep going the way they are for maybe only another two months, it's not too far-fetched of an idea.
either way, among his options are:
resigning.
going to court.
calling for a re-election which will bring about the first two options, probably, since he'll lose.
or being killed.
brother Kibaki, what have you done?
i do not pity you. i do not sympathize with you at all. if you even still cared about your own people, the Kikuyus, then maybe i'd feel bad for you. but you don't. their deaths and displacement mean nothing to you.
you are my brother, only as long as you remain human. you're nearing that boundary, and i fear you'll cross it, brother.
i cannot wait for justice to be dealt to you and yours.
step down and allow Odinga to save your countrymen.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
think for myself
there are two different trains of thought that i find myself bouncing back and forth between here: the willingness to accept everything. and the need to contest everything.
this DTS is teaching me about these two major viewpoints of the world. and everyone fits into one or the other. for the most part.
on the one hand, most of my African brothers and sisters can be taught anything by our speakers at this school, and it becomes their belief, in a heartbeat. that's not always bad, but it's dangerous when several times teachers and speakers here have slipped up and delivered us false information.
which brings me to the next group. all of us westerners here (by far the out-numbered ones, running close to 7:1 on the base) often jump at every chance to complain about anything. it comes from being raised and schooled into thinking that as westerners we're always right. this is also dangerous (though contesting things is not always bad).
it becomes difficult for me, as one westerner (the one who'd at first been so open to complete assimilation with African culture, and is now seemingly the one most anxious to return to the familiar things in life), as i wade between two sharply different outlooks.
i have definitely grown to question a lot of things about human relations, theological truths, applied biblical truths, and crazy jazz like that.
the most interesting thing is learning to think for myself. as a dear friend of mine puts it, i am "the representation of the bandwagon fallacy." (thank you Emily!)
it's what you've got to do, think for yourself, remembering that no other human has any right to direct you, rather you must belong wholly in your own realm with the God you are in love with. God meets everyone on a different level. ergo at the same time as thinking for myself, i've also gotta be looking first at Jesus, and letting him tear into my soul, carving out the junk i don't need and establishing the throne i pledged to him there, at age three.
Jesus: "well, asher, it's about time!"
asher: "yeah, well, ya see... um... i never really realized what i meant! i mean, come on, i was young... yeah, i know that's cliche, but it works, right?"
Jesus: "how old are you now, asher?"
asher: (ashamed, awkward silence)
Jesus: "do you really not trust me with your heart and soul? do you really think you're the better driver? or am i just your 'co-pilot'?"
asher: "uh... Jesus?"
Jesus: "yeah?"
asher: "i haven't taken really good care of myself, already. you sure you wanna drive a junker? i mean, i'm no lamborghini."
Jesus: "have you seen any other lamborghinis on the road?"
asher: "not exactly. only in magazines and billboards and TV and what-not."
Jesus: "yeah. thought so. they're just fakin' it."
asher: "figures."
Jesus: "yeah, they don't let me drive either. they just make it out of their own kit. spit-shine and whatever else makes em look good. but they don't last. if you let me drive, asher, we'll last. you and me. that's all there is too it. no girlfriends. no porn. no beer. no joints. no pride. no gossip. no quarrelling. no disobeying your parents--*"
asher: "wait! what? hey now--"
Jesus: "...just you and me. do you trust me? really? good. open up."
so i guess this makes me wonder if i'm really thinking for myself, as the term would imply, simplistically. but, ah, what the heck... probably better this way, eh?
PAX.
-archer
*(though this is pretty much irrelevant to the blog, Romans 1.18-32 clearly outlines tons of other sins on par with homosexuality. yes, i have an agenda. i don't deny it. but this is simply the truth i wanna show here. but i'll write more about that later...)
this DTS is teaching me about these two major viewpoints of the world. and everyone fits into one or the other. for the most part.
on the one hand, most of my African brothers and sisters can be taught anything by our speakers at this school, and it becomes their belief, in a heartbeat. that's not always bad, but it's dangerous when several times teachers and speakers here have slipped up and delivered us false information.
which brings me to the next group. all of us westerners here (by far the out-numbered ones, running close to 7:1 on the base) often jump at every chance to complain about anything. it comes from being raised and schooled into thinking that as westerners we're always right. this is also dangerous (though contesting things is not always bad).
it becomes difficult for me, as one westerner (the one who'd at first been so open to complete assimilation with African culture, and is now seemingly the one most anxious to return to the familiar things in life), as i wade between two sharply different outlooks.
i have definitely grown to question a lot of things about human relations, theological truths, applied biblical truths, and crazy jazz like that.
the most interesting thing is learning to think for myself. as a dear friend of mine puts it, i am "the representation of the bandwagon fallacy." (thank you Emily!)
it's what you've got to do, think for yourself, remembering that no other human has any right to direct you, rather you must belong wholly in your own realm with the God you are in love with. God meets everyone on a different level. ergo at the same time as thinking for myself, i've also gotta be looking first at Jesus, and letting him tear into my soul, carving out the junk i don't need and establishing the throne i pledged to him there, at age three.
Jesus: "well, asher, it's about time!"
asher: "yeah, well, ya see... um... i never really realized what i meant! i mean, come on, i was young... yeah, i know that's cliche, but it works, right?"
Jesus: "how old are you now, asher?"
asher: (ashamed, awkward silence)
Jesus: "do you really not trust me with your heart and soul? do you really think you're the better driver? or am i just your 'co-pilot'?"
asher: "uh... Jesus?"
Jesus: "yeah?"
asher: "i haven't taken really good care of myself, already. you sure you wanna drive a junker? i mean, i'm no lamborghini."
Jesus: "have you seen any other lamborghinis on the road?"
asher: "not exactly. only in magazines and billboards and TV and what-not."
Jesus: "yeah. thought so. they're just fakin' it."
asher: "figures."
Jesus: "yeah, they don't let me drive either. they just make it out of their own kit. spit-shine and whatever else makes em look good. but they don't last. if you let me drive, asher, we'll last. you and me. that's all there is too it. no girlfriends. no porn. no beer. no joints. no pride. no gossip. no quarrelling. no disobeying your parents--*"
asher: "wait! what? hey now--"
Jesus: "...just you and me. do you trust me? really? good. open up."
so i guess this makes me wonder if i'm really thinking for myself, as the term would imply, simplistically. but, ah, what the heck... probably better this way, eh?
PAX.
-archer
*(though this is pretty much irrelevant to the blog, Romans 1.18-32 clearly outlines tons of other sins on par with homosexuality. yes, i have an agenda. i don't deny it. but this is simply the truth i wanna show here. but i'll write more about that later...)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Church ..part two..
"Jesus said to the people who believed in him, "'you are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. and you will know the thruth, and the truth will set you free... So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.'"
-John 8.31-32,36
all truth we ever learn is meant to point us toward the Son who truly craves a relationship with us. but, as Taylor pointed out, we are given the freedom to choose to live in freedom. or we can stick to our old ways. as many of Jesus' disciples deserted him in John 6.60-71, he humbly asked the 12, "are you also going to leave?" (v.67)
i can picture that revolutionary leader, already pushed into the ground by the religious leaders of the time, living his whole life both solely AS truth, and FOR truth. and when people refuse truth, whether given proof or no, it can destroy the good messenger. with sadness weighing on him, Jesus turned from the crowd to his twelve closest brothers, looking each of them in the eyes for a moment as he annunciated those pain-surged words. possibly on the verge of tears, he slows down his speech, letting each syllable bring his gaze to another apostle in the small huddle. the wind on the hillside is forced to the background of all thought for the apostles. the sun burning on their faces and the sand beneath their toes, uncomfortably shifting on the pads of their sandals--all sensation is forgotten and lost unto them. their leader, their beloved hero, the only person they have any real stock in... has just challenged them. perhaps, the apostles might think, if this is the messiah, doesn't he already know what i'm going to do? either way, they realize they definitely have the choice now. hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time Jesus reaches Golgotha. this is one of the moments they can leave him and blend with the crowd.
given the choice, every time i face a hard teaching, it takes me weeks, often, to face up to what Jesus' words and example will mean for me. and these hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time i reach Sheol. ever moment is one of those moments when i can leave him and slip into the massive deserting crowd. it's just too easy.
but with those eyes on the verge of tears, i already know i've got to stick by my master, my Father, the one who's invested so much in me. ignoring the sun, the wind, the sand... i've got to cross the line onto the other side. a daily Alamo challenge.
i think the whole Church faces it. there's not much we can do if we really know who we're hurting by saying no. if we really know who we're loving and pleasing by saying yes.
as each of the twelve cross the invisible line and move closer to their Rabbi--their Lord--they watch the tears in his eyes fade. a stray tear slides silently down his cheek. not one of the apostles blames him for it. greeted with a warm embrace, one by one, in the gathering dusk, this weak-seeming gesture is turned on its head and used in the most profound way it's ever been used troughout the course of all eternal history. in fact, they likely think, this is why i love him more--because he shows us how much he loves us. and this reciprocal love before the twelve sinners even have an inkling of the cross to come.
we know about the overabundance of love and sacrifice because the cross has already come. the Church needs to understand who she's betrothed to. we need to be faithful. to every word of teaching. to every gesture of acceptance. to every example of truth. to every ounce of real love.
Peace be with us all. in Jesus' name.
-John 8.31-32,36
all truth we ever learn is meant to point us toward the Son who truly craves a relationship with us. but, as Taylor pointed out, we are given the freedom to choose to live in freedom. or we can stick to our old ways. as many of Jesus' disciples deserted him in John 6.60-71, he humbly asked the 12, "are you also going to leave?" (v.67)
i can picture that revolutionary leader, already pushed into the ground by the religious leaders of the time, living his whole life both solely AS truth, and FOR truth. and when people refuse truth, whether given proof or no, it can destroy the good messenger. with sadness weighing on him, Jesus turned from the crowd to his twelve closest brothers, looking each of them in the eyes for a moment as he annunciated those pain-surged words. possibly on the verge of tears, he slows down his speech, letting each syllable bring his gaze to another apostle in the small huddle. the wind on the hillside is forced to the background of all thought for the apostles. the sun burning on their faces and the sand beneath their toes, uncomfortably shifting on the pads of their sandals--all sensation is forgotten and lost unto them. their leader, their beloved hero, the only person they have any real stock in... has just challenged them. perhaps, the apostles might think, if this is the messiah, doesn't he already know what i'm going to do? either way, they realize they definitely have the choice now. hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time Jesus reaches Golgotha. this is one of the moments they can leave him and blend with the crowd.
given the choice, every time i face a hard teaching, it takes me weeks, often, to face up to what Jesus' words and example will mean for me. and these hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time i reach Sheol. ever moment is one of those moments when i can leave him and slip into the massive deserting crowd. it's just too easy.
but with those eyes on the verge of tears, i already know i've got to stick by my master, my Father, the one who's invested so much in me. ignoring the sun, the wind, the sand... i've got to cross the line onto the other side. a daily Alamo challenge.
i think the whole Church faces it. there's not much we can do if we really know who we're hurting by saying no. if we really know who we're loving and pleasing by saying yes.
as each of the twelve cross the invisible line and move closer to their Rabbi--their Lord--they watch the tears in his eyes fade. a stray tear slides silently down his cheek. not one of the apostles blames him for it. greeted with a warm embrace, one by one, in the gathering dusk, this weak-seeming gesture is turned on its head and used in the most profound way it's ever been used troughout the course of all eternal history. in fact, they likely think, this is why i love him more--because he shows us how much he loves us. and this reciprocal love before the twelve sinners even have an inkling of the cross to come.
we know about the overabundance of love and sacrifice because the cross has already come. the Church needs to understand who she's betrothed to. we need to be faithful. to every word of teaching. to every gesture of acceptance. to every example of truth. to every ounce of real love.
Peace be with us all. in Jesus' name.
Church
"in relation to the Kingdom of God--what about the Church? firstly, she's not to draw attention to herself. as soon as she does so, she's lost the power and authority given her."
-Tony Taylor, of England (our speaker for the week, here at the DTS).
it's a grave reminder to me personally, as i begin an endeavor to write a critique on the Church's most "popular" problems she's facing today. perhaps common is a better word. but i'm sure that the former will actually shed more light on it, in some ways.
sadly, i'm walking a very tight rope in writing this little essay, since i am in danger of drawing attention not only to the Church, but also to myself. as much as i hope my [comparatively incredibly uneducated] words are taken seriously, respected and understoof... the last thing i want is the attention of others in the Church.
just as Marx and Engel became almost as famous as their Manifesto, and Luther as famous as his Theses (to the point where frankly all i know about the Theses is that it stood against indulgences, and i know much more about Luther himself).
it worries me that theologians generally have big names. Dr. King calls it the "Drum-Major Instinct". and i am not at all calling out any theologians for striving to be as famous as their theology. but it is interesting to me that they seem like they are not disappearing like Bobby Fisher. but then again, that generated more publicity than his known achievements.
so i guess it's not so purely an example of Dr. King's fear--though there are examples such as Bishop Spong--rather i believe it is a symptom of a leader-starved world. we're so lacking in strong leaders, as the world has nearly every generation since the Judges began to rule Israel. so, of course nearly anyone we can set our eyes on who knows what they're talking about, we nearly canonize them.
frankly, i've nearly done that very same thing to Tony Taylor as he's been teaching. it's so apparent that God's been speaking through him. and in realizing that we get blinded by the truth that is in front of us, and we stop there, we find an unsettling amount of admiration within ourselves toward the creation and not the Creator. we fail to move on, following in the direction the truth is leading us...
-Tony Taylor, of England (our speaker for the week, here at the DTS).
it's a grave reminder to me personally, as i begin an endeavor to write a critique on the Church's most "popular" problems she's facing today. perhaps common is a better word. but i'm sure that the former will actually shed more light on it, in some ways.
sadly, i'm walking a very tight rope in writing this little essay, since i am in danger of drawing attention not only to the Church, but also to myself. as much as i hope my [comparatively incredibly uneducated] words are taken seriously, respected and understoof... the last thing i want is the attention of others in the Church.
just as Marx and Engel became almost as famous as their Manifesto, and Luther as famous as his Theses (to the point where frankly all i know about the Theses is that it stood against indulgences, and i know much more about Luther himself).
it worries me that theologians generally have big names. Dr. King calls it the "Drum-Major Instinct". and i am not at all calling out any theologians for striving to be as famous as their theology. but it is interesting to me that they seem like they are not disappearing like Bobby Fisher. but then again, that generated more publicity than his known achievements.
so i guess it's not so purely an example of Dr. King's fear--though there are examples such as Bishop Spong--rather i believe it is a symptom of a leader-starved world. we're so lacking in strong leaders, as the world has nearly every generation since the Judges began to rule Israel. so, of course nearly anyone we can set our eyes on who knows what they're talking about, we nearly canonize them.
frankly, i've nearly done that very same thing to Tony Taylor as he's been teaching. it's so apparent that God's been speaking through him. and in realizing that we get blinded by the truth that is in front of us, and we stop there, we find an unsettling amount of admiration within ourselves toward the creation and not the Creator. we fail to move on, following in the direction the truth is leading us...
Sunday, October 14, 2007
they say...
they say that when the last thing in the world you want to do is write, that is exactly what you have to do.
frankly, i'm so tired and bored, and completely out of pace with deep thoughts at the moment, and my fingers are in no mood to contribute to society that the only thing i can think of is the fact that i've hurt people recently, and i'm going to do it again.
there's really no way to avoid it.
i am called to discipleship, and it is a very costly thing. my old life has passed and though great memories remain, i know that when i finally do return to the states, nothing will ever be the same.
my hand is at the plow, i cannot look back.
God is calling me to rise up and give what i must to the simple phrase, "follow me."
and in so doing, or attempting to do, i've greatly hurt a number of people. some have voiced this hurt, while others leave it to be read between the lines of their words to me.
frankly, i know my apology can't cover the pain that certain people will feel because of this. for that reason, i simply seek forgiveness, scattering the seeds across the earth, some falling on good soil, ready to accept my apology, others falling on the cold, hard pavement. pavement so unforgiving i'd crack my skull were i to trip onto it.
the best i can offer is that i am mostly happy where i'm at now. God has opened up so many doors for me, of various kinds, and he's challenging me to walk worthy of his calling. worthy of him.
so i take the first steps out in faith and hope he gives me a new step before my foot slips through and causes me to fall a long way down. but he's always provided that foothold in the past, and i believe in it now more than i ever did before Africa.
here, i realize what true faith is. what true love is. what true patience is. what true learning is.
and in almost everything i've been unprepared. c'est la vie.
but that's the training of it. the beauty of it.
"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1.2-3
please forgive me, my dear dear brothers and sisters. some of you may find it very easy to continue through life's journey with me even now that i'm undergoing change. while probably many more of you will not be able to accept my changes.
i'm at the point where i am leaving myself back in Indiana and Ohio, and Kentucky, and coming here, willing to be re-born, willing to run the gauntlet, so that i may simply be seen as His. it's all i've got. and i'm glad of it. in my weaknesses, He will be strongly seen. in my failures, achievements beyond human capability will be witnessed.
and perhaps, as i believe he has revealed to me, Bibles will get into the hands of those who desire one. whether conventionally or unconventionally.
i pray you understand. i thank those of you who do, and i can't explain it more to those who don't. this is just what has come to pass.
i have heard the call, and now i must answer.
Amen.
Salaams, brothers and sisters.
frankly, i'm so tired and bored, and completely out of pace with deep thoughts at the moment, and my fingers are in no mood to contribute to society that the only thing i can think of is the fact that i've hurt people recently, and i'm going to do it again.
there's really no way to avoid it.
i am called to discipleship, and it is a very costly thing. my old life has passed and though great memories remain, i know that when i finally do return to the states, nothing will ever be the same.
my hand is at the plow, i cannot look back.
God is calling me to rise up and give what i must to the simple phrase, "follow me."
and in so doing, or attempting to do, i've greatly hurt a number of people. some have voiced this hurt, while others leave it to be read between the lines of their words to me.
frankly, i know my apology can't cover the pain that certain people will feel because of this. for that reason, i simply seek forgiveness, scattering the seeds across the earth, some falling on good soil, ready to accept my apology, others falling on the cold, hard pavement. pavement so unforgiving i'd crack my skull were i to trip onto it.
the best i can offer is that i am mostly happy where i'm at now. God has opened up so many doors for me, of various kinds, and he's challenging me to walk worthy of his calling. worthy of him.
so i take the first steps out in faith and hope he gives me a new step before my foot slips through and causes me to fall a long way down. but he's always provided that foothold in the past, and i believe in it now more than i ever did before Africa.
here, i realize what true faith is. what true love is. what true patience is. what true learning is.
and in almost everything i've been unprepared. c'est la vie.
but that's the training of it. the beauty of it.
"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1.2-3
please forgive me, my dear dear brothers and sisters. some of you may find it very easy to continue through life's journey with me even now that i'm undergoing change. while probably many more of you will not be able to accept my changes.
i'm at the point where i am leaving myself back in Indiana and Ohio, and Kentucky, and coming here, willing to be re-born, willing to run the gauntlet, so that i may simply be seen as His. it's all i've got. and i'm glad of it. in my weaknesses, He will be strongly seen. in my failures, achievements beyond human capability will be witnessed.
and perhaps, as i believe he has revealed to me, Bibles will get into the hands of those who desire one. whether conventionally or unconventionally.
i pray you understand. i thank those of you who do, and i can't explain it more to those who don't. this is just what has come to pass.
i have heard the call, and now i must answer.
Amen.
Salaams, brothers and sisters.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Thank you, my dear sister!
To be honest, i was hoping, as i surfed to this blog, to find that you had written, and indeed God has blessed me with your words, sister! thank you so much for your prayers!
i confess that at this point there's been little of political interest to photograph. Tanzania's so safe and unvolitile in many places that there's almost no need whatsoever to be aware.
However, apparently due to a very low salary (about $50 USD a month) the police here run on illegal bribes from foreign Mzungus like myself. so far, i've not even met the eyes of an officer here, much less been of any interest to them, but twice in the past couple weeks i've gone into town wearing two knives, and on those two trips, i found myself standing just a couple meters from a semi-automatic and its uniform-clad owner. strange how weapons seem drawn to each other. i think i'll stop carrying those knives outside the base. i really had no reason to.
i was pick-pocketed two weeks ago, and perhaps that would have been reason to want the knife still, but even in retrospect (as i'd had my bigger black knife on me that day), i'm sure i'd never have drawn it on anyone. to be quite honest, i've already forgiven the man who took my phone. i'm almost sure i know exactly who it was, and when it happened. by God's grace, he didn't manage to take the letter to my brother i had folded up in that very same pocket!
i was angry at first, naturally, as i realized about two minutes after the slight tussle with the man at the dala-dala station in the center of Arusha, that it was missing. but my very next thought was simply that i was praying they wouldn't harrass the people in my phone book. i called it from my friend's phone the next day and found that my SIM card had already been removed. it's not likely they'll ever be harrassing my loved ones!
i bought a new phone within about an hour, half the price of the one i'd lost, and i only felt stupid when i realized how much cheaper phones generally ran--outside of the supermarket i'd gotten my first Nokia at.
as a westerner who's nearly been handed everything in life, and had so little taken away, i feel it is by God's grace that that experience has only drawn my closer to the city of Arusha, and not pushed me away! As i think about it more and more, i realize my fate is intertwined with that of the whole continent of Africa. if Africa dies, i die. if Africa prospers, i will be happy. if Africa flounders, so will i. but i believe Africa is on the up.
part 2:
i also wanted to briefly mention something about the last church service i attended, two days ago...
during the worship session that opened the service (which was lead by Natasha, Mary, and Johan, from our DTS and leadership) i felt God speaking to me in a way i can't really describe. and honestly, i feel he's illuminated the task before me. or at least the direction he wants me to go in, for now. with that said, i am leaving the rest to your imagination and prayer. i've barely scratched the surface, but i'm waiting for God's guidance in the details, so for now they will remain between me and God, and two other men whom i've sworn to secrecy.
just please pray. thank you.
on a final note, there is one thing i see in my future with nearly absolute clarity.
Beginning in early February 2008, here at this very base in Arusha, is a School of Biblical Studies (SBS). it starts not more than two weeks after our DTS comes to a close, and frankly, i think God is telling me to stick around for that. it's another nine months of the most intensive study i think i'll ever take part in. i'll read every book of the Bible FIVE times in 9 months, breaking it down in nearly every separate book of the Bible to two-paragraph sections, and finding meaning and cultural significance in every word written in it! (except that apparently we'll only be doing a selection of Psalms since there are so many!) I don't expect to return to the States any time soon, and i know this may really hurt some of you, brothers and sisters.
so, i ask for your prayers on this as well.
and finally, i bid you all a wonderful night! i believe my time's almost up! i rarely get much time on the internet here... power tends to go out for several hours at a time, a couple times each day and night! so even when i have the time, i do not necessarily have the means. tonight has been a blessing! and i am so glad to give you all a fuller report on things here! many who read my blog will in some way receive word from my parents with a break-down of my daily routine. as for my sister, Aisha, well, i know you'll find a way to get into contact with me if i don't reach you first!
Have a blessed night!
the Peace of the Lord be with you. Amen.
-Archer (Motochi)
i confess that at this point there's been little of political interest to photograph. Tanzania's so safe and unvolitile in many places that there's almost no need whatsoever to be aware.
However, apparently due to a very low salary (about $50 USD a month) the police here run on illegal bribes from foreign Mzungus like myself. so far, i've not even met the eyes of an officer here, much less been of any interest to them, but twice in the past couple weeks i've gone into town wearing two knives, and on those two trips, i found myself standing just a couple meters from a semi-automatic and its uniform-clad owner. strange how weapons seem drawn to each other. i think i'll stop carrying those knives outside the base. i really had no reason to.
i was pick-pocketed two weeks ago, and perhaps that would have been reason to want the knife still, but even in retrospect (as i'd had my bigger black knife on me that day), i'm sure i'd never have drawn it on anyone. to be quite honest, i've already forgiven the man who took my phone. i'm almost sure i know exactly who it was, and when it happened. by God's grace, he didn't manage to take the letter to my brother i had folded up in that very same pocket!
i was angry at first, naturally, as i realized about two minutes after the slight tussle with the man at the dala-dala station in the center of Arusha, that it was missing. but my very next thought was simply that i was praying they wouldn't harrass the people in my phone book. i called it from my friend's phone the next day and found that my SIM card had already been removed. it's not likely they'll ever be harrassing my loved ones!
i bought a new phone within about an hour, half the price of the one i'd lost, and i only felt stupid when i realized how much cheaper phones generally ran--outside of the supermarket i'd gotten my first Nokia at.
as a westerner who's nearly been handed everything in life, and had so little taken away, i feel it is by God's grace that that experience has only drawn my closer to the city of Arusha, and not pushed me away! As i think about it more and more, i realize my fate is intertwined with that of the whole continent of Africa. if Africa dies, i die. if Africa prospers, i will be happy. if Africa flounders, so will i. but i believe Africa is on the up.
part 2:
i also wanted to briefly mention something about the last church service i attended, two days ago...
during the worship session that opened the service (which was lead by Natasha, Mary, and Johan, from our DTS and leadership) i felt God speaking to me in a way i can't really describe. and honestly, i feel he's illuminated the task before me. or at least the direction he wants me to go in, for now. with that said, i am leaving the rest to your imagination and prayer. i've barely scratched the surface, but i'm waiting for God's guidance in the details, so for now they will remain between me and God, and two other men whom i've sworn to secrecy.
just please pray. thank you.
on a final note, there is one thing i see in my future with nearly absolute clarity.
Beginning in early February 2008, here at this very base in Arusha, is a School of Biblical Studies (SBS). it starts not more than two weeks after our DTS comes to a close, and frankly, i think God is telling me to stick around for that. it's another nine months of the most intensive study i think i'll ever take part in. i'll read every book of the Bible FIVE times in 9 months, breaking it down in nearly every separate book of the Bible to two-paragraph sections, and finding meaning and cultural significance in every word written in it! (except that apparently we'll only be doing a selection of Psalms since there are so many!) I don't expect to return to the States any time soon, and i know this may really hurt some of you, brothers and sisters.
so, i ask for your prayers on this as well.
and finally, i bid you all a wonderful night! i believe my time's almost up! i rarely get much time on the internet here... power tends to go out for several hours at a time, a couple times each day and night! so even when i have the time, i do not necessarily have the means. tonight has been a blessing! and i am so glad to give you all a fuller report on things here! many who read my blog will in some way receive word from my parents with a break-down of my daily routine. as for my sister, Aisha, well, i know you'll find a way to get into contact with me if i don't reach you first!
Have a blessed night!
the Peace of the Lord be with you. Amen.
-Archer (Motochi)
Sunday, August 26, 2007
the blister on my left heel and the presence of God--part 2-------------------------------------------------------- or 'when and why i blog'
(i generally only blog when i KNOW i'm wrong, or when i THINK i'm right. interesting...)
i am not an angry person, but i am often very anger.
i am not a bitter person, but sometimes bitterness takes hold of me.
i am not a happy person, but i often know true joy!
i am not a perfect person, but sometimes goodness takes hold of me.
i blogged last night because i was bitter and angry.
Jesus only got angry on the behalf of others.
i don't think i was angry last night on the behalf of others. i am annoyed by the fact that because i dress poorly, walk barefoot constantly, and carry my most prescious books and trinkets in a backpack, i look like the kind of person who doesn't belong in the society.
that is correct. i do not belong in this world i live in. i'm talking primarily about middle-class america. as long as there is lower-class nigeria and bottom-class india (the untouchables), and upper-class western world... i belong at the bottom rung.
i will try to serve, in order to better follow the Jesus who i claim to trust in. the Jesus who knows me better than anyone, and knows just how broken and beautiful i can be.
but what i did wrong last night, was i actually got angry only on my wn behalf. the lower class world was not attacked. i was attacked by their prejudice. and maybe that means they think little of everyone poorer than they.
either way, they attacked me alone. this means my anger was unwarranted.
and i apologize.
i actually honestly wanted to invite that couple to dinner with me somewhere, just so i could better understand them, and explain to them what it is that makes me walk at night.
but i didn't really even tell them why i was walking, and who i was going out to meet. i am guilty of misguidance. i am guilty of anger on no reasonable count. i am guilty of selfishness. i wanted fresh air to meet with my maker, whereas all he needed was a stilled heart, and an empty room in this house i occupy. my bad.
forgive me, God. forgive me, my un-named brother and sister. i wish i knew you better and understood why you did not appreciate what i was doing last night. forgive me, brothers and sisters whom i do know, those of you who are supporting me and partnering with me and enabling me to go wherever i feel God calling me to go.
thank you for blessing me.
i am not perfect.
i am not good. ("there is no one who does good, not even one." -Romans 3.12b)
but i am trying to be like this guy Jesus who has both wrecked and resurrected my life.
amen.
i am not an angry person, but i am often very anger.
i am not a bitter person, but sometimes bitterness takes hold of me.
i am not a happy person, but i often know true joy!
i am not a perfect person, but sometimes goodness takes hold of me.
i blogged last night because i was bitter and angry.
Jesus only got angry on the behalf of others.
i don't think i was angry last night on the behalf of others. i am annoyed by the fact that because i dress poorly, walk barefoot constantly, and carry my most prescious books and trinkets in a backpack, i look like the kind of person who doesn't belong in the society.
that is correct. i do not belong in this world i live in. i'm talking primarily about middle-class america. as long as there is lower-class nigeria and bottom-class india (the untouchables), and upper-class western world... i belong at the bottom rung.
i will try to serve, in order to better follow the Jesus who i claim to trust in. the Jesus who knows me better than anyone, and knows just how broken and beautiful i can be.
but what i did wrong last night, was i actually got angry only on my wn behalf. the lower class world was not attacked. i was attacked by their prejudice. and maybe that means they think little of everyone poorer than they.
either way, they attacked me alone. this means my anger was unwarranted.
and i apologize.
i actually honestly wanted to invite that couple to dinner with me somewhere, just so i could better understand them, and explain to them what it is that makes me walk at night.
but i didn't really even tell them why i was walking, and who i was going out to meet. i am guilty of misguidance. i am guilty of anger on no reasonable count. i am guilty of selfishness. i wanted fresh air to meet with my maker, whereas all he needed was a stilled heart, and an empty room in this house i occupy. my bad.
forgive me, God. forgive me, my un-named brother and sister. i wish i knew you better and understood why you did not appreciate what i was doing last night. forgive me, brothers and sisters whom i do know, those of you who are supporting me and partnering with me and enabling me to go wherever i feel God calling me to go.
thank you for blessing me.
i am not perfect.
i am not good. ("there is no one who does good, not even one." -Romans 3.12b)
but i am trying to be like this guy Jesus who has both wrecked and resurrected my life.
amen.
Friday, August 17, 2007
the monster who got devoured by community
"i can't believe you can be so against what you once stood for!"
that's what i almost said to him.
my brother, Micah.
we were having a rather casual argument, as we sometimes do. i was trying to tell him why movements are so great, why men and women like Yoko Ono and Dr. King and Bono (sorta) and Lennon all give themselves to causes for a reason.
i tried to tell him that all change is made by small groups of people that grow into something large and influential enough. i reminded him of Amnesty International, of which i am a member. started by a single British professor in 1961, and has grown to nearly 2 million members whose letters have freed thousands of prisoners and victims and alleviated tensions and injustice all around the world in only 40 years.
he looked back at me with a smug look on his face that i couldn't crack. i just don't get how my brother, the boy with the cross branded on his left arm, and the Che Guevera clock (which is now no longer a clock so much as a small, glass poster, and is now also mine)
, could suddenly become somebody who's clearly so hopeless, with no faith in humanity, or even in humans. he's got no faith in anything, save Zarathustra's bold story of "making it on his own". he claims Jesus did it too, in his coy attempt to throw my own words back on me. but with his foot sticking plainly out of his mouth, i reminded him that forty days of fasting alone in the desert hardly counts as being alone. oh, and then i told him about the 12 disciples who were with him nearly everywhere he went.
he tried to tell me that since Zarathustra made it, anyone who wasn't weak could do it. he apparently had forgotten for the moment that good ole' Z is a fictional character. actually, i think that's when he tried to segway to Jesus. to him, Jesus is just as fictional, sometimes.
sometimes.
...BUT this isn't what i meant to get side-tracked by.
instead, i meant to tell you about another boy who had an american flag hanging proudly in his room, draped across his mirror with a chalky cross drawn on it. this boy believed with all his heart that it was america's sacred duty to follow George W. into battle and storm into Iraq in 02. he would have actually voted for W. the second time around, had he been old enough. this boy sickens me far more than Micah ever will. this boy believed in intolerance as the only way to change things for the better. this boy was anti-gay marriage and pro-war. (i.e. anti-love, and pro-hate) he was a thoroughbred american who wished he could've said the pledge of allegiance twice daily at school, rather than only on mondays in 8th grade.
this boy was going to join the navy, or the marines or something and fight for his country. he had a buzz cut already and everything about him stank of proud-to-be-an-american in the most disgusting form. it wasn't even flattering to the remaining good elements of the U.S.
this boy was frankly a self-righteous prick just like the best of them. could never recognize flaws in himself. believed he was always right. believed that america was supposed to be an all-christian nation. and that everyone who didn't believe what he did had to be converted, and he thought them more like scalps dangling from his belt, than actual souls, actually aching people. there was no love in this boy.
he was a monster.
i don't have that mirror in my room anymore. the american flag lies half-burnt in a black garbage bag somewhere in a dump.
i protested the "Bush Regime" on October 5, 2007 and felt almost more at home there, than i do half the time in church. it's funny how preotestors seem to realize they can do nothing on their own, and we sort of band together, as we all did that night to share a bowl of free soup, brought to us by an organization supporting the march, called "Food Not Bombs", i think. as a sister of mine shared a cigarette with a brother of mine, and both braced their backs against the cold downtown wind, i waited my turn for a used spoon, in order to eat half a cup of warm veggie soup in chicken broth.
after the march and everything, we wrapped up with a "die-in", which was by far, one of the most dramatic and patriotic experiences i've ever witnessed. watching video footgae from it later, i was shocked to find an elderly man in a wheel-chair shifting his weight and lowering himself to the chilled black-top of E. 9th street in the heart of Cleveland. during rush-hour.
riding the bus home that night with Micah, as the dim lights kicked in overhead in the fading autumn sun, i read from a communist newspaper about the similarities between Bush's and Hitler's. it was kinda freaky. as a middle-aged man walked past me, on his way out the front door of the 9X four-wheeled community driving machine, he looked down and complimented me on the white bandana around my knee with the word 'COEXIST' scrawled in dark permanent marker. the Islam crescent was the 'C', the Jewish Star of David was the 'X', and the Christian cross was the 'T'.
that bandana is now sewn onto a small black jacket i bought for the purpose of shaking things up and lacing it with lyrics and sayings and emblems of what i stand for. i named her Ruth. i'm wearing her now, for the first time since probably March this year.
she's beautiful, and reminds me of the kind of communion that comes from a strong, united purpose. i miss that union.
i'm hoping i'll find that soon, sometime in the coming couple of years.
anyone wanna go see that movie, "Across The Universe" with me sometime?
Love and Peace or Else.
-Archer
that's what i almost said to him.
my brother, Micah.
we were having a rather casual argument, as we sometimes do. i was trying to tell him why movements are so great, why men and women like Yoko Ono and Dr. King and Bono (sorta) and Lennon all give themselves to causes for a reason.
i tried to tell him that all change is made by small groups of people that grow into something large and influential enough. i reminded him of Amnesty International, of which i am a member. started by a single British professor in 1961, and has grown to nearly 2 million members whose letters have freed thousands of prisoners and victims and alleviated tensions and injustice all around the world in only 40 years.
he looked back at me with a smug look on his face that i couldn't crack. i just don't get how my brother, the boy with the cross branded on his left arm, and the Che Guevera clock (which is now no longer a clock so much as a small, glass poster, and is now also mine)
, could suddenly become somebody who's clearly so hopeless, with no faith in humanity, or even in humans. he's got no faith in anything, save Zarathustra's bold story of "making it on his own". he claims Jesus did it too, in his coy attempt to throw my own words back on me. but with his foot sticking plainly out of his mouth, i reminded him that forty days of fasting alone in the desert hardly counts as being alone. oh, and then i told him about the 12 disciples who were with him nearly everywhere he went.he tried to tell me that since Zarathustra made it, anyone who wasn't weak could do it. he apparently had forgotten for the moment that good ole' Z is a fictional character. actually, i think that's when he tried to segway to Jesus. to him, Jesus is just as fictional, sometimes.
sometimes.
...BUT this isn't what i meant to get side-tracked by.
instead, i meant to tell you about another boy who had an american flag hanging proudly in his room, draped across his mirror with a chalky cross drawn on it. this boy believed with all his heart that it was america's sacred duty to follow George W. into battle and storm into Iraq in 02. he would have actually voted for W. the second time around, had he been old enough. this boy sickens me far more than Micah ever will. this boy believed in intolerance as the only way to change things for the better. this boy was anti-gay marriage and pro-war. (i.e. anti-love, and pro-hate) he was a thoroughbred american who wished he could've said the pledge of allegiance twice daily at school, rather than only on mondays in 8th grade.
this boy was going to join the navy, or the marines or something and fight for his country. he had a buzz cut already and everything about him stank of proud-to-be-an-american in the most disgusting form. it wasn't even flattering to the remaining good elements of the U.S.
this boy was frankly a self-righteous prick just like the best of them. could never recognize flaws in himself. believed he was always right. believed that america was supposed to be an all-christian nation. and that everyone who didn't believe what he did had to be converted, and he thought them more like scalps dangling from his belt, than actual souls, actually aching people. there was no love in this boy.
he was a monster.
i don't have that mirror in my room anymore. the american flag lies half-burnt in a black garbage bag somewhere in a dump.
i protested the "Bush Regime" on October 5, 2007 and felt almost more at home there, than i do half the time in church. it's funny how preotestors seem to realize they can do nothing on their own, and we sort of band together, as we all did that night to share a bowl of free soup, brought to us by an organization supporting the march, called "Food Not Bombs", i think. as a sister of mine shared a cigarette with a brother of mine, and both braced their backs against the cold downtown wind, i waited my turn for a used spoon, in order to eat half a cup of warm veggie soup in chicken broth.
after the march and everything, we wrapped up with a "die-in", which was by far, one of the most dramatic and patriotic experiences i've ever witnessed. watching video footgae from it later, i was shocked to find an elderly man in a wheel-chair shifting his weight and lowering himself to the chilled black-top of E. 9th street in the heart of Cleveland. during rush-hour.
riding the bus home that night with Micah, as the dim lights kicked in overhead in the fading autumn sun, i read from a communist newspaper about the similarities between Bush's and Hitler's. it was kinda freaky. as a middle-aged man walked past me, on his way out the front door of the 9X four-wheeled community driving machine, he looked down and complimented me on the white bandana around my knee with the word 'COEXIST' scrawled in dark permanent marker. the Islam crescent was the 'C', the Jewish Star of David was the 'X', and the Christian cross was the 'T'.
that bandana is now sewn onto a small black jacket i bought for the purpose of shaking things up and lacing it with lyrics and sayings and emblems of what i stand for. i named her Ruth. i'm wearing her now, for the first time since probably March this year.
she's beautiful, and reminds me of the kind of communion that comes from a strong, united purpose. i miss that union.
i'm hoping i'll find that soon, sometime in the coming couple of years.
anyone wanna go see that movie, "Across The Universe" with me sometime?
Love and Peace or Else.
-Archer
Monday, August 6, 2007
"as long as the matrix exists, the human race will never be free"
i am giving it all i've got.
i'll live off the land, and in the homes of friends and family.
i am relinquishing everything i think i know, and living for one promise.
one purpose.
to give God glory.
to know Jesus.
to serve my Father.
whether in pious poverty, or in wealthy suburbs, Jesus must be known... God must be served.
so far, all i know is no matter what happens to me down the line... i'll be eternally thankful that i did not take the blue pill.
"we can do no great things, only small things with great love." -Mother Theresa
but maybe these small things done in great love can inspire great things with many small people acting out of great love?
is it too hard to believe that perhaps God really has a reason for all of us to be united. ALL of us.
i am a part of the body. the body is sick. God must heal my cells, as i must encourage the rest of the body to heal and grow, as well.
it's hard to assemble everything in my head. i will not assume i know everything. but what i believe in, i will chase after. those whom i trust in, i will join the fight beside.
this Jesus guy revolutionized things because he loved.
i wanna do the same.
evil cannot stand.
because it would be standing on my shoulders if i did not cry out.
not on my watch. not on our watch.
i'll live off the land, and in the homes of friends and family.
i am relinquishing everything i think i know, and living for one promise.
one purpose.
to give God glory.
to know Jesus.
to serve my Father.
whether in pious poverty, or in wealthy suburbs, Jesus must be known... God must be served.
so far, all i know is no matter what happens to me down the line... i'll be eternally thankful that i did not take the blue pill.
"we can do no great things, only small things with great love." -Mother Theresa
but maybe these small things done in great love can inspire great things with many small people acting out of great love?
is it too hard to believe that perhaps God really has a reason for all of us to be united. ALL of us.
i am a part of the body. the body is sick. God must heal my cells, as i must encourage the rest of the body to heal and grow, as well.
it's hard to assemble everything in my head. i will not assume i know everything. but what i believe in, i will chase after. those whom i trust in, i will join the fight beside.
this Jesus guy revolutionized things because he loved.
i wanna do the same.
evil cannot stand.
because it would be standing on my shoulders if i did not cry out.
not on my watch. not on our watch.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
.serviceman.
a brother of mine, named Lawrence, (though I call him Buzz) is at boot camp right now.
Lawrence is a serviceman in the United States Navy.
i once wanted to join the navy. it was my obsession through all of eighth grade. even freshman year in high school. eventually my stance on war and violence took so drastic a change that i hate this country's government and military.
but i still have incredible respect for my friend, Lawrence.
Lawrence, during the first eleven years of our friendship, was always the bane of my existence on tuesday and then the best friend i could ever have on wednesday. maybe thursday. but still, you get the point. he was one of those friends you knew you wanted to be mad at, but couldn't manage to stay mad at for more than a day or so. though being around him could be such a pain on some days, i'd always know i was missing out if i forewent a chance to hang out.
He's gotten me used to a lot of things in life. given me the rougher treatment in some respects. been the first to ridicule some of my decisions, and then sometimes the first to defend half of them. he's a realist and since he left for boot camp several weeks ago life hasn't quite been the same.
i miss him insanely. he probably won't get a chance to read this until he graduates in August. but still. these words need to be said now.
and though i claim no allegiance to the U.S. government or military, i do pledge allegiance to a friend who has been at odds with me sometimes, completely stubborn at others, and pretty frickin a necessity all the time.
Lawrence is a tougher kid than you'd expect when you first meet him. I hear the brother's completely beasting everything that comes his way out there. I'm jealous of his stamina. cuz i'd have quit on the first day. or maybe i never even would have taken his leap of faith.
Lawrence is my friend, my brother, and i'm beginning to find that in spite of all the crap i've put him through as we've grown up, especially about joining the navy, since i never knew for sure that he could make it... he's very quickly becoming a hero of mine.
i don't want to over-glamorize his image too much, but i would be surprised if i'm the only one who calls him a hero.
here's to you, brother, to our friendship, and to your journey that i know i could never even attempt!
God be with you.
PAX
Lawrence is a serviceman in the United States Navy.
i once wanted to join the navy. it was my obsession through all of eighth grade. even freshman year in high school. eventually my stance on war and violence took so drastic a change that i hate this country's government and military.
but i still have incredible respect for my friend, Lawrence.
Lawrence, during the first eleven years of our friendship, was always the bane of my existence on tuesday and then the best friend i could ever have on wednesday. maybe thursday. but still, you get the point. he was one of those friends you knew you wanted to be mad at, but couldn't manage to stay mad at for more than a day or so. though being around him could be such a pain on some days, i'd always know i was missing out if i forewent a chance to hang out.
He's gotten me used to a lot of things in life. given me the rougher treatment in some respects. been the first to ridicule some of my decisions, and then sometimes the first to defend half of them. he's a realist and since he left for boot camp several weeks ago life hasn't quite been the same.
i miss him insanely. he probably won't get a chance to read this until he graduates in August. but still. these words need to be said now.
and though i claim no allegiance to the U.S. government or military, i do pledge allegiance to a friend who has been at odds with me sometimes, completely stubborn at others, and pretty frickin a necessity all the time.
Lawrence is a tougher kid than you'd expect when you first meet him. I hear the brother's completely beasting everything that comes his way out there. I'm jealous of his stamina. cuz i'd have quit on the first day. or maybe i never even would have taken his leap of faith.
Lawrence is my friend, my brother, and i'm beginning to find that in spite of all the crap i've put him through as we've grown up, especially about joining the navy, since i never knew for sure that he could make it... he's very quickly becoming a hero of mine.
i don't want to over-glamorize his image too much, but i would be surprised if i'm the only one who calls him a hero.
here's to you, brother, to our friendship, and to your journey that i know i could never even attempt!
God be with you.
PAX
Monday, July 9, 2007
z3r0
my bank account used to be relatively full. like, good enough for me. single, male 19-yr-old book lover who's not materialistic.
but today, in a couple blinks of an eye... credit card, phone, car insurance, and fender bender costs have nearly killed it.
i was a wreck about it earlier today.
the day after i find out YWAM accepts me to the September DTS, i lose whatever financial advantage i had.
the move is killing our family's finances, too. so, they're not really going to be able to support me entirely. i've got pretty close to $2,500 to $3,000 i've gotta raise. right now, look's like by sundown i'm gonna have less than $500 i can actually call my own. in one day i lose about $1,200.
my wastefulness is my sin. these are the wages of my sin. sort of. nice play on words, huh?
as much as i'm dumbfounded by my stupidity and sin, i am at peace with the likelihood that somehow God's still gonna carry me over to Africa. to YWAM. to Tanzania. to my brothers and sisters who will teach me how to be the man of God i will spend the rest of my life trying to be.
God is awesome. and never short of cash. amen.
but today, in a couple blinks of an eye... credit card, phone, car insurance, and fender bender costs have nearly killed it.
i was a wreck about it earlier today.
the day after i find out YWAM accepts me to the September DTS, i lose whatever financial advantage i had.
the move is killing our family's finances, too. so, they're not really going to be able to support me entirely. i've got pretty close to $2,500 to $3,000 i've gotta raise. right now, look's like by sundown i'm gonna have less than $500 i can actually call my own. in one day i lose about $1,200.
my wastefulness is my sin. these are the wages of my sin. sort of. nice play on words, huh?
as much as i'm dumbfounded by my stupidity and sin, i am at peace with the likelihood that somehow God's still gonna carry me over to Africa. to YWAM. to Tanzania. to my brothers and sisters who will teach me how to be the man of God i will spend the rest of my life trying to be.
God is awesome. and never short of cash. amen.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
sticky
i am not entirely broken anymore... or so i feel.
i'm vaguely put back together, and i'm waiting for the moment when i will finally obey the calling i feel on my life.
vaguely put back together, but the glue's still sticky and it slows me down in the days when i should be picking up speed.
but then again if i speed up too fast i might shatter all over again.
i'm going to Africa one way or another. it's a life of God's calling for me. a daily obedience is the only way to go.
Brother Andrew got to be a smuggler. and still is, i think. i wanna do what he did and does. i wanna stand motionless and fearless in the face of men and machines dominated by evil desires. i want them to be awakened to the reality that they don't run the show. i want to give hope to someone just as broken as me, to help glue them back together. another humpty-dumpty.
((i think i've heard it said that humpty dumpty was helped only by the King's MEN and the King's HORSES.... but what about the King, himself?))
maybe i can be the King's hands for someone behind bars, or maybe i'll be the one behind bars. maybe my execution's slated for sunrise, and my brother in the cell across from me... as we hold fast to a look between each others' eyes... maybe my brother gives me strength so my knees won't be feeble as i'm escorted to the blocks. maybe my brother and i share one last prayer, as the golden sun slips bitter-sweet through the slatted window over my head. maybe it's gonna be a relief from the gnawing hunger to breathe one last time that day. maybe in that last prayer, something in God's agenda comes along and boosts my brother out of his cell and he raises a church.
if all i ever do is make eye contact with my brother in the cell across from me and never see him (or anyone else) again, then i have faith that God will take care of the rest.
PAX DOMINI
i'm vaguely put back together, and i'm waiting for the moment when i will finally obey the calling i feel on my life.
vaguely put back together, but the glue's still sticky and it slows me down in the days when i should be picking up speed.
but then again if i speed up too fast i might shatter all over again.
i'm going to Africa one way or another. it's a life of God's calling for me. a daily obedience is the only way to go.
Brother Andrew got to be a smuggler. and still is, i think. i wanna do what he did and does. i wanna stand motionless and fearless in the face of men and machines dominated by evil desires. i want them to be awakened to the reality that they don't run the show. i want to give hope to someone just as broken as me, to help glue them back together. another humpty-dumpty.
((i think i've heard it said that humpty dumpty was helped only by the King's MEN and the King's HORSES.... but what about the King, himself?))
maybe i can be the King's hands for someone behind bars, or maybe i'll be the one behind bars. maybe my execution's slated for sunrise, and my brother in the cell across from me... as we hold fast to a look between each others' eyes... maybe my brother gives me strength so my knees won't be feeble as i'm escorted to the blocks. maybe my brother and i share one last prayer, as the golden sun slips bitter-sweet through the slatted window over my head. maybe it's gonna be a relief from the gnawing hunger to breathe one last time that day. maybe in that last prayer, something in God's agenda comes along and boosts my brother out of his cell and he raises a church.
if all i ever do is make eye contact with my brother in the cell across from me and never see him (or anyone else) again, then i have faith that God will take care of the rest.
PAX DOMINI
Saturday, May 19, 2007
"Right Here!"
listening to Out Of Eden's song "Soldiers" right now in a hotel in Indiana on vacation...
Emily's myspace page has a list of some of the sweetest frickin songs.... the problem is how frequently she changes them! :)
So, listening to their sweet, strong voices as they call on a new generation to rise up...
"all my people in the place
lookin good with style an' grace
but here's my question-listen clear-
where my soldiers at? right here!"
I guess i best be on my way... start risin up and callin out... makin sure i'm ready for a fight!
I'm coming into a very strong relationship with Adonai, and Emily is largely the one i must thank.
my dad's even noticed how much stronger my relationship with Jesus is.
i've even noticed that grace has taken a far greater hold on nearly every aspect of my life! i am so thankful for where i am at right now!
this grace that spreads over a wretch like me and calls me by my name in Christ. I do not know what my name is, as God calls me, but i am sure that it is beautiful. I am sure it is spoken with lovely tones every moment i breathe, as he watches over me. my Adonai. my Adonai. my precious Adonai.
"i will press on, for the sake of your beautiful name..." -ZOEGirl, 'Beautiful Name'
i am one content wretch right now :)
God's peace be with you all today and always!
Monday, May 14, 2007
Julian of Norwich
Julian of Norwich once said, "Sin is necessary, but all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well."
I just remembered this old quote by a very respectable character in history. her name was Julain of Norwich, and i guess she was considered a mystic of sorts.
I don't really know anything much about her, save from her gender and that she was around centuries ago. and that a lot of people like to quote her.
come to think of it, i'm not even entirely sure where i first read this phrase... but i know i wrestled with clearly defining it for a long time. and (wouldn't ya figure) it hits me at the one moment i am actually examining myself, and not even thinking of the quote or anything (or anyone) else.
my mother really prodded me once i printed this off and scotch-taped it to the front of my bedroom door. i couldn't really answer the "why", i just knew there was truth to it.
i just realized that it's meaning is quite obvious:
without sin, we undoubtedly equate ourselves to God. to be equittable with the God responsible for all things in the known and unknown world entirely devalues God. if we did not sin, why would we need God?
It is only in God that i believe we realize who we really are, and that there is only God's way to go. "my way or the highway" pretty much.
i know from experience, the highway gets real old real fast. i think it's high time i realign.
pax.
I just remembered this old quote by a very respectable character in history. her name was Julain of Norwich, and i guess she was considered a mystic of sorts.
I don't really know anything much about her, save from her gender and that she was around centuries ago. and that a lot of people like to quote her.
come to think of it, i'm not even entirely sure where i first read this phrase... but i know i wrestled with clearly defining it for a long time. and (wouldn't ya figure) it hits me at the one moment i am actually examining myself, and not even thinking of the quote or anything (or anyone) else.
my mother really prodded me once i printed this off and scotch-taped it to the front of my bedroom door. i couldn't really answer the "why", i just knew there was truth to it.
i just realized that it's meaning is quite obvious:
without sin, we undoubtedly equate ourselves to God. to be equittable with the God responsible for all things in the known and unknown world entirely devalues God. if we did not sin, why would we need God?
It is only in God that i believe we realize who we really are, and that there is only God's way to go. "my way or the highway" pretty much.
i know from experience, the highway gets real old real fast. i think it's high time i realign.
pax.
the only really tough teaching of Jesus...
is obedience. we all have our own ideas of the better way to run things.
and mine is a very liberal method of reform in respects such as fighting terrorism and homelessness.
to fight homelessness, every level of every government must get involved at the core, and earnestly strive to make things better for each individual. otherwise, simply kicking them out of the parks is not gonna cut it. which is obvious in this situation, i hope.
however, it is this phony "war on terror" that really baffles me. i know i sound like i'm just ranting, but this really makes no sense to me. they shoot at innocent civilians and bomb innocent civilians. they're no worse than anoyone else with a gun.
very few terrorists we hear about come from palaces. if any. period.
it is our responsibility as the "Developed World" to assist the "Developing World" otherwise everything collapses one way or another.
It is up to groups and individuals to see the real problem of global poverty here.
because obviously governments in the west are simply NOT understanding the truth. we must make them understand via advocacy, delegation, and simply making a lot of noise!
the problem of terrorism is not in who-has-what-gun...
it's in who-has-no-food.
you wanna fight terrorism, mr. pres... try feeding people who ask for bread.
i dont wanna judge you because i know i'm a lot worse, but i just hope that, as someone in a position of power, you'll remember one very important tough teaching of Jesus:
"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" -Matthew 7:9-11
after October 5, 2006 i got sick of yelling at you, mr. pres, because i realized i was just as bad as you. all i did was yell. now i wanna simply advise.
in a couple years i'm gonna be living in another country. maybe i'll even take on a new citizenship. but i'll at least be TRYING to do what you are CHOOSING NOT to do!
you an' me ain't that different, you know. i just see the truth as something i can't hide from. you see t as something to ignore.
i pray your successor's someone actually willing to be used by God.
maybe i'll find it easier to obey them if i see God in their actions.
if i can't forgive you, then i can't forgive myself... just give me time
and mine is a very liberal method of reform in respects such as fighting terrorism and homelessness.
to fight homelessness, every level of every government must get involved at the core, and earnestly strive to make things better for each individual. otherwise, simply kicking them out of the parks is not gonna cut it. which is obvious in this situation, i hope.
however, it is this phony "war on terror" that really baffles me. i know i sound like i'm just ranting, but this really makes no sense to me. they shoot at innocent civilians and bomb innocent civilians. they're no worse than anoyone else with a gun.
very few terrorists we hear about come from palaces. if any. period.
it is our responsibility as the "Developed World" to assist the "Developing World" otherwise everything collapses one way or another.
It is up to groups and individuals to see the real problem of global poverty here.
because obviously governments in the west are simply NOT understanding the truth. we must make them understand via advocacy, delegation, and simply making a lot of noise!
the problem of terrorism is not in who-has-what-gun...
it's in who-has-no-food.
you wanna fight terrorism, mr. pres... try feeding people who ask for bread.
i dont wanna judge you because i know i'm a lot worse, but i just hope that, as someone in a position of power, you'll remember one very important tough teaching of Jesus:
"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" -Matthew 7:9-11
after October 5, 2006 i got sick of yelling at you, mr. pres, because i realized i was just as bad as you. all i did was yell. now i wanna simply advise.
in a couple years i'm gonna be living in another country. maybe i'll even take on a new citizenship. but i'll at least be TRYING to do what you are CHOOSING NOT to do!
you an' me ain't that different, you know. i just see the truth as something i can't hide from. you see t as something to ignore.
i pray your successor's someone actually willing to be used by God.
maybe i'll find it easier to obey them if i see God in their actions.
if i can't forgive you, then i can't forgive myself... just give me time
Thursday, May 3, 2007
my dad, spiderman, don cheadle, derek webb, evon christian, krissi bernd, the fraser women, punjabican, Jesus...
all my mentors (yes, spiderman currently counts as a temporary mentor :) ) are urging me to do what is right, to fight the good fight and above all-- to do it non-violently.
i am listening to them. i am completely understanding them.
i am relating to them:
"you know the tree by the fruit
just between me and you
i never do what i want
i do what i'm taught
and i've been learning a lot
about the violence i'm capable of"
-Derek Webb, "I Don't Want to Fight"
"Lately things have been going my way. But I have this bad feeling. This darkness I've discovered has a power far greater than anything I could have imagined. It's... intoxicating."
-Spiderman, "Spiderman 3" trailer
and i thought i was learning from them. but somehow i keep seeing violence as some actual frickin plausible mode of change.
"if you beat them at their own game, then you've already lost."
-Evon Christian
i have this concept of doing a lot of good in Africa in a short period of time, and a feeling that i'm gonna die young, lookin down the barrel of a gun i'll think i'd buried long before.
"even if you think there's all this glory in dying for a cause, think about what you'll do to everyone else."
-Stacey Littlefield, my father, my accountability, and my only superhero
i've been wrestling with the possibility of taking up arms in a defensive militia in Africa, with a group of comrades hell-bent of defending the innocent by becoming guilty in their stead. that's what sucks.
"every hero has a dark side." (Asher's translation: "every [human] has a dark side.")
-Spiderman 3 game advert.
i've become aware of my own violence and dangerous capabilities again.
i'm in agreement with no one, especially not God. especially not myself.
so maybe i will die early. maybe i'll be gone in 10 years like my premonition. maybe i'll never get married, maybe i'll live life on the run, but i pray i never have to f*****g take the life of one of my brothers! it is not my right. i am not a killer.
"so i'm walking away from this
before i hurt someone
'cause i'm facing enemies
on both sides of the gun"
and whether you believe he is who he said he was, you've gotta understand the gist of what he said, at least in this one case:
"...let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!"
-Jesus, John 8.7
pax, brothers and sisters.
and for Pete's sake help me out here! besides,
"it takes a village to raise a child".... no idea who said it, but it's true!
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
"Crippling"
i just spent the past hour and a half working out the kinks in the lyrics of a song i wrote. and now i think i'm done with the first draft.
inspired by the rawness of Derek Webb's newest album. in case you never knew my hardest battle, it's in words finally.
i can really relate to some of Derek's songs... especially the one called "I Don't Want to Fight"
but here's mine...
V1:
I'm not a good Christian
I'm not a good person
Ain't no good about me
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying
Chorus:
19 years down and I haven't frickin' grown
Haven't stayed on top
More than a minute
But i can't stop trying
Or i won't stop sliding
V2:
I'm not really worth it
I'm not going for it
Ain't no success for me
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying
.Chorus.
V3:
I'm not the one to judge you
I'm sure as Hell gonna stop you
Ain't no point in lying
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying
.Chorus.
Bridge:
I'm just crippling
The Body of Christ
Learning to shoot
Just to stop the shooter
I know that I'm wrong
But i want the lesser of two evils.
V4:
So close your eyes, darling
I don't want you to see this
ain't no hope for me
But you got freedom
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying
When my words dry up
And i'm killing just to stop the dying
please comment if you read this. i hope you can tell i need feedback.
inspired by the rawness of Derek Webb's newest album. in case you never knew my hardest battle, it's in words finally.
i can really relate to some of Derek's songs... especially the one called "I Don't Want to Fight"
but here's mine...
V1:
I'm not a good Christian
I'm not a good person
Ain't no good about me
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying
Chorus:
19 years down and I haven't frickin' grown
Haven't stayed on top
More than a minute
But i can't stop trying
Or i won't stop sliding
V2:
I'm not really worth it
I'm not going for it
Ain't no success for me
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying
.Chorus.
V3:
I'm not the one to judge you
I'm sure as Hell gonna stop you
Ain't no point in lying
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying
.Chorus.
Bridge:
I'm just crippling
The Body of Christ
Learning to shoot
Just to stop the shooter
I know that I'm wrong
But i want the lesser of two evils.
V4:
So close your eyes, darling
I don't want you to see this
ain't no hope for me
But you got freedom
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying
When my words dry up
And i'm killing just to stop the dying
please comment if you read this. i hope you can tell i need feedback.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
my purity ring
maybe this ring-- a promise not to be sexually active before marriage, so as to save myself for my wife-- will possibly be the only ring i ever wear on my left hand. no engagement ring for guys, and no wedding band.
for now, that's the outlook i find God to be leading me toward. i'm pretty open to change, and i got no issue with this outlook changing in the future. but i like to think that if i roll with this outlook for now, then perhaps the woman i end up marrying will be honored in me not looking around my whole life before her. if i marry the prostitute hangin out on the corner, i won't be angry with her for her past. I want to be as faithful and loving and forgiving to her as Hosea (as faithful and loving and forgiving to ME as God)...
I know that if i stick to God and God alone for now, as the one i want to be most intimate wit, then i ain't worried bout who or what comes next wit dis revelation. got it?
i'm a sojourner, ragged, dirty, and pretty effin' broken, if you ask me.
but dass coo wit me. roll wit it.
by the way...
I know i'm real broken and i screw up almost everything i do, or try for, but i know that what i got best is my relationships with my brothers and sisters. thank you all.
peace.
(or rather,)
SHALOM
(^look it up, it's deeper than u may think)
for now, that's the outlook i find God to be leading me toward. i'm pretty open to change, and i got no issue with this outlook changing in the future. but i like to think that if i roll with this outlook for now, then perhaps the woman i end up marrying will be honored in me not looking around my whole life before her. if i marry the prostitute hangin out on the corner, i won't be angry with her for her past. I want to be as faithful and loving and forgiving to her as Hosea (as faithful and loving and forgiving to ME as God)...
I know that if i stick to God and God alone for now, as the one i want to be most intimate wit, then i ain't worried bout who or what comes next wit dis revelation. got it?
i'm a sojourner, ragged, dirty, and pretty effin' broken, if you ask me.
but dass coo wit me. roll wit it.
by the way...
I know i'm real broken and i screw up almost everything i do, or try for, but i know that what i got best is my relationships with my brothers and sisters. thank you all.
peace.
(or rather,)
SHALOM
(^look it up, it's deeper than u may think)
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