the blister on my left heel and the presence of God--part 2-------------------------------------------------------- or 'when and why i blog'

(i generally only blog when i KNOW i'm wrong, or when i THINK i'm right. interesting...)



i am not an angry person, but i am often very anger.
i am not a bitter person, but sometimes bitterness takes hold of me.

i am not a happy person, but i often know true joy!
i am not a perfect person, but sometimes goodness takes hold of me.

i blogged last night because i was bitter and angry.

Jesus only got angry on the behalf of others.

i don't think i was angry last night on the behalf of others. i am annoyed by the fact that because i dress poorly, walk barefoot constantly, and carry my most prescious books and trinkets in a backpack, i look like the kind of person who doesn't belong in the society.

that is correct. i do not belong in this world i live in. i'm talking primarily about middle-class america. as long as there is lower-class nigeria and bottom-class india (the untouchables), and upper-class western world... i belong at the bottom rung.
i will try to serve, in order to better follow the Jesus who i claim to trust in. the Jesus who knows me better than anyone, and knows just how broken and beautiful i can be.

but what i did wrong last night, was i actually got angry only on my wn behalf. the lower class world was not attacked. i was attacked by their prejudice. and maybe that means they think little of everyone poorer than they.
either way, they attacked me alone. this means my anger was unwarranted.

and i apologize.

i actually honestly wanted to invite that couple to dinner with me somewhere, just so i could better understand them, and explain to them what it is that makes me walk at night.

but i didn't really even tell them why i was walking, and who i was going out to meet. i am guilty of misguidance. i am guilty of anger on no reasonable count. i am guilty of selfishness. i wanted fresh air to meet with my maker, whereas all he needed was a stilled heart, and an empty room in this house i occupy. my bad.


forgive me, God. forgive me, my un-named brother and sister. i wish i knew you better and understood why you did not appreciate what i was doing last night. forgive me, brothers and sisters whom i do know, those of you who are supporting me and partnering with me and enabling me to go wherever i feel God calling me to go.

thank you for blessing me.
i am not perfect.
i am not good. ("there is no one who does good, not even one." -Romans 3.12b)

but i am trying to be like this guy Jesus who has both wrecked and resurrected my life.
amen.

the blister on my left heel and the presence of God

the blister on my left heel and the presence of God were two of the things that spurred me from this house tonight.
and two things that nearly got me arrested.
way to go america.

----

it is 12.47am on Sunday morning, the 26th of August, 2007. i leave for Tanzania in a little over 12 days.

so i have a lot of stuff to think and pray about.
so, naturally, as people do when they have a lot on their minds and hearts.
i took a walk. or, started to, rather.

barely six or seven houses down, and just as i'm rounding the corner to start my round about the block, a middle-aged couple drives by, pulls a U-ey at the intersection i'm turning at, and pulls up next to me.



(at the same time)
man: "hey. what are you doing?"
woman: "do you live in the neighborhood?"

me: "i'm walkin'."

(at the same time)
woman: "do you live in the neighborhood?"
man: "with a backpack?"

me: "yeah, just down at 4014."

man: "why are you walking?"

me: "because... i... want to."

man: "well, should we call somebody?"

me: "no, you don't need to."

(at the same time)
man: "well, someone walking around at... 12.40 at night, with a backpack and no shoes... i mean..."
woman: (under her breath) "maybe you should just go home."

me: "i'm kinda weird"

man: "yeah, i'll say."

(at the same time)
man: "you should just go home."
woman: (to her husband) "oh don't."

me: "you want me to just go home?"

man: "well, yeah, or i'm gonna call someone."

me: "okay..."


i turn around and walk back, cursing them under my breath.
just because i don't fit into the mold of standard suburbia, i'm thought of as a threat.
if anyone ever wondered what i can't stand about suburbia, this is just one example of what sucks about it. i can't take a walk, in which i'm not threatening to anyone at all, just because i look weird to them. nothing about what i'm wearing is terribly different except for the lack of shoes. apparently a back-pack on a student, in a college town, is a red flag of a terrorist, or even worse... a homeless person!

suburbia: "oh no! whatever shall we do?! i'm so frightened!"

me: "grow up."


me: "i can't wait to leave this country."

at least in Africa if someone stops me from walking at night, it'll actually be a legitimate concern.

i shoulda asked that couple why they were out driving so late.
but then again, they're normal, right, so driving around in the dark, in an un-lit vehicle, oh and that whole illegal U-turn thing, that's all perfectly acceptable at 12.40 at night. who knows what kinds of frickin explosives (or bodies) they could have had in the trunk.

since when was a single person more suspicious than a group travelling in an encased vehicle?



God get me outta here, and do us freaks a favor, please, and shatter the bubbles of 'normal' people. they're blind. make them see, please.