there's a forlorn city on the Horn of Africa that's been bombed to hell a thousand times over and the people are aching...
i want to go there.
there's an old prison-turned-museum where the photographs of history's victims are fading with age, in Cambodia...
i want to go there.
there's a 5,000-year-old city on the Syrian coastline that's full of old books with words that read from right to left...
i want to go there.
there's a country of real people outside the green-zone, where guns trounce dogs as man's best friend, and war rages...
i want to go there.
there's a world outside my world, beyond my New York Life, that bustles with real human heartbreak and laughter...
i want to BE there.
Adonai, my dad in Heaven, help me be as you.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Friday, April 18, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
i have a dilemma...
...that makes me feel childish, yet i am nearly twenty.
it is possible that someone is reading this who knows very well the person to whom i am referring, when i state that i have likely royally screwed up a friendship with someone i never got the chance to get too close to, before i went and buggered it up with short-sighted remedies of simple anxiety. and now, i am afraid to lose her friendship because she seems really cool.
maybe i'll get another chance, but for the time being, pray as i might for things to return to normalcy, i have no idea how i must act to fix this for the long-term.
anyone who's known me more than a year can gather a fuller extent of info simply based on experience with me. yeah, it's probably what you're thinking. and yeah, i need help, and suggestions.
this'd be so much easier if i just knew more people here. then i'd have balanced everything out to begin with, but i didn't know hardly anyone else, so i messed up by focusing so intently on one friendship that i frankly blew a hole in whatever had been built up.
tonight i went out with some guys from church (all at least 3 or 4 years older than me, which made me feel special) to see Leatherheads, after watching some Rob Bell sermon stuff at bible study, and it was really helpful to get out again, with GUYS!!!! when the freak did THAT last happen?! it was cool.
balance is re-taking what it once held to its own, and hopefully with this balance, and with my striving to give her just the right amount of space, there will be healing, and i will rejoice in that. for now, though, i'm content to be working in the right direction, and asking God to help me get there.
pax, everyone.
it is possible that someone is reading this who knows very well the person to whom i am referring, when i state that i have likely royally screwed up a friendship with someone i never got the chance to get too close to, before i went and buggered it up with short-sighted remedies of simple anxiety. and now, i am afraid to lose her friendship because she seems really cool.
maybe i'll get another chance, but for the time being, pray as i might for things to return to normalcy, i have no idea how i must act to fix this for the long-term.
anyone who's known me more than a year can gather a fuller extent of info simply based on experience with me. yeah, it's probably what you're thinking. and yeah, i need help, and suggestions.
this'd be so much easier if i just knew more people here. then i'd have balanced everything out to begin with, but i didn't know hardly anyone else, so i messed up by focusing so intently on one friendship that i frankly blew a hole in whatever had been built up.
tonight i went out with some guys from church (all at least 3 or 4 years older than me, which made me feel special) to see Leatherheads, after watching some Rob Bell sermon stuff at bible study, and it was really helpful to get out again, with GUYS!!!! when the freak did THAT last happen?! it was cool.
balance is re-taking what it once held to its own, and hopefully with this balance, and with my striving to give her just the right amount of space, there will be healing, and i will rejoice in that. for now, though, i'm content to be working in the right direction, and asking God to help me get there.
pax, everyone.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
confession (round 2)
last May i posted about several major character flaws of mine.
since that time i haven't really had too many opportunities to say anything further on the topic of my character flaws. but now i've come up with a reason for that to change.
i've got another character flaw to address and willingly expose to the few who don't already see this in me. tonight i had a bit of a chance to reflect on all my past relationships with girlfriends... i was driving home from a Bible study where the leader's daughter (a friend of my little sister) said something along the lines of, "so, i heard you got engaged in Africa?" apparently my sister had not only blabbed to this friend, but to a hand-full of other friends i've never even met, not to mention this friend tonight told her mother, and i've already told her father, in another related discussion.
it doesn't really bother me at all that people know this about me (as long as i'm able to explain and contextualize that statement!) fact of the matter is that i was, in fact, according to cultural norms, engaged to a girl i met on my team in Arusha, simply because i found her attractive and she caught on. it was all a whirlwind from there. we ended up fine by the end of it, sticking to our single selves, however, somewhere along the lines i'd further damaged my credibility, and apparently, she had as well. or i had done so, for her. i don't really know, or comprehend it all.
the point is, including the fact that i've been engaged already and "broken it off" (though i was oblivious of the severity of it until about a month and a half later!) i've simply had too many girlfriends too deal with myself. i'm not proud of it, and it's shown me just how weak i really am in this area.
i wear a purity ring. it's a small, ding-ed up silver ring on my left ring finger. from over 5 feet away, looks like i'm married. i look over 20, sometimes as old as 26, apparently... basically, with this ring on, i look untouchable.
that's just the way i want it to be for now--i'm still trying to go a couple years on my own, just workin things out with God, since i really haven't had such a chance since my sophomore year of high school... ergo it's time for a bleedin' break!
basically, i mess up. i ROYALLY mess up. i go back and forth between the Reign of Over-Zealous and the Reigned-in Over-Cautious! apparently, subconsciously i think that firing both kinds of weapons will balance things out and create a pleasant, neutral reaction. sometimes i get lucky (i.e. not dumb) and i ease in a statement here or there, where it could've been quite explosive instead, and totally read in the wrong (or right) way! thankfully, that hasn't happened too recently... barely.
just trying to hold myself together, and keep my sights on Aslan, and not get too tripped up trying to play the field for the time being. i've done enough of that at this point. i apologize to all whom i've hurt. please forgive me.
hopefully this next stint on earth will prove better-handled.
PAX.
since that time i haven't really had too many opportunities to say anything further on the topic of my character flaws. but now i've come up with a reason for that to change.
i've got another character flaw to address and willingly expose to the few who don't already see this in me. tonight i had a bit of a chance to reflect on all my past relationships with girlfriends... i was driving home from a Bible study where the leader's daughter (a friend of my little sister) said something along the lines of, "so, i heard you got engaged in Africa?" apparently my sister had not only blabbed to this friend, but to a hand-full of other friends i've never even met, not to mention this friend tonight told her mother, and i've already told her father, in another related discussion.
it doesn't really bother me at all that people know this about me (as long as i'm able to explain and contextualize that statement!) fact of the matter is that i was, in fact, according to cultural norms, engaged to a girl i met on my team in Arusha, simply because i found her attractive and she caught on. it was all a whirlwind from there. we ended up fine by the end of it, sticking to our single selves, however, somewhere along the lines i'd further damaged my credibility, and apparently, she had as well. or i had done so, for her. i don't really know, or comprehend it all.
the point is, including the fact that i've been engaged already and "broken it off" (though i was oblivious of the severity of it until about a month and a half later!) i've simply had too many girlfriends too deal with myself. i'm not proud of it, and it's shown me just how weak i really am in this area.
i wear a purity ring. it's a small, ding-ed up silver ring on my left ring finger. from over 5 feet away, looks like i'm married. i look over 20, sometimes as old as 26, apparently... basically, with this ring on, i look untouchable.
that's just the way i want it to be for now--i'm still trying to go a couple years on my own, just workin things out with God, since i really haven't had such a chance since my sophomore year of high school... ergo it's time for a bleedin' break!
basically, i mess up. i ROYALLY mess up. i go back and forth between the Reign of Over-Zealous and the Reigned-in Over-Cautious! apparently, subconsciously i think that firing both kinds of weapons will balance things out and create a pleasant, neutral reaction. sometimes i get lucky (i.e. not dumb) and i ease in a statement here or there, where it could've been quite explosive instead, and totally read in the wrong (or right) way! thankfully, that hasn't happened too recently... barely.
just trying to hold myself together, and keep my sights on Aslan, and not get too tripped up trying to play the field for the time being. i've done enough of that at this point. i apologize to all whom i've hurt. please forgive me.
hopefully this next stint on earth will prove better-handled.
PAX.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Smile Empty Soul vs. An Unforgettable Pair
i found this video on youtube.
the song's 'This Is War' by Smile Empty Soul
the lyrics are profane, but otherwise not graphic, and the scenes from Black Hawk Down are gruesome, but it fits, in a poetical justice sort of way.
here's the chorus:
"i drove in a car
i flew in a plane
to come to your house
and kick your door in
and now that it's down to this
it's just you and me
i'll blow your f----- head off
for my country"
----
i know half the time all i do on this blog is complain about war and war crimes and human rights abuses.
i know there are lovely flowers out there, but sometimes the stench of death and war can overcome the soft fragrance of flowers.
i don't think i'll stop writing about this stuff every now and then until every last person recognizes that we all need to be "anti-war" in order to let love in.
as an example, today after work i went to a coffee shop i'm falling in love with, down on Main Street today, just myself and my books, and a couple dollars. i ended up only reading about two paragraphs before getting so wrapped up in a fun conversation with Michelle--the girl who served me my regular 16oz. and a mocha that she decorated just for me, since she felt she forced it on me (just so she could make a pretty design) who's hoping to study forensic science in the fall (and already has the "geek's guide" to it--and Greg--a regular customer at Jerry's shop, a good friend of Jerry's, and an expert on experimenting with cigars and making jokes and being welcoming (who has a half-smoked cigar in the ash-tray of his truck and is happily divorced, and doesn't watch many movies).
it was cool. we talked about whatever, for almost an hour, informally, and i came to really like them. i hope i'll run into em both on the same day again, it was really cool. i realized that just having a conversation with them made me really care about them. kinda weird, and over-sappy, but it was cool.
if we just take the time (and have the guts) to talk to someone, we could enjoy an invaluable connection, and the world will become smaller, and nobody will really be a stranger (or enemy) any longer.
thanks God, you made my day with that pair!
pax.
the song's 'This Is War' by Smile Empty Soul
the lyrics are profane, but otherwise not graphic, and the scenes from Black Hawk Down are gruesome, but it fits, in a poetical justice sort of way.
here's the chorus:
"i drove in a car
i flew in a plane
to come to your house
and kick your door in
and now that it's down to this
it's just you and me
i'll blow your f----- head off
for my country"
----
i know half the time all i do on this blog is complain about war and war crimes and human rights abuses.
i know there are lovely flowers out there, but sometimes the stench of death and war can overcome the soft fragrance of flowers.
i don't think i'll stop writing about this stuff every now and then until every last person recognizes that we all need to be "anti-war" in order to let love in.
as an example, today after work i went to a coffee shop i'm falling in love with, down on Main Street today, just myself and my books, and a couple dollars. i ended up only reading about two paragraphs before getting so wrapped up in a fun conversation with Michelle--the girl who served me my regular 16oz. and a mocha that she decorated just for me, since she felt she forced it on me (just so she could make a pretty design) who's hoping to study forensic science in the fall (and already has the "geek's guide" to it--and Greg--a regular customer at Jerry's shop, a good friend of Jerry's, and an expert on experimenting with cigars and making jokes and being welcoming (who has a half-smoked cigar in the ash-tray of his truck and is happily divorced, and doesn't watch many movies).
it was cool. we talked about whatever, for almost an hour, informally, and i came to really like them. i hope i'll run into em both on the same day again, it was really cool. i realized that just having a conversation with them made me really care about them. kinda weird, and over-sappy, but it was cool.
if we just take the time (and have the guts) to talk to someone, we could enjoy an invaluable connection, and the world will become smaller, and nobody will really be a stranger (or enemy) any longer.
thanks God, you made my day with that pair!
pax.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
things have changed...
brothers and sisters... something has changed in the manner of my writing. at least the subject matter.
so the heavier subject matter, like that which i last posted. like that which is now deleted.
it's posted elsewhere under another name and the whole works. if you want to read any of my new posts on my new site, ask me individually. i'll give you the link. but please be careful. if you read my last post--that looked more like a newspaper article--then you might have a hint of the dangers involved with using real information on either side of the atlantic.
please understand if things here seem suddenly less suspenseful. hopefully my protective measures in switching over will be worth something and will help protect the authors here, and all who have commented. i'll definitely try to work on both sites, of course!
p.s. if you're willing to go slightly undercover, i'd be glad to work on this with a partner or two (or more). there are many many human rights stories to cover. the world is only so big.
PAX.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
2007 - a horrible but even wonderful year
Knut - this lovely, sweet, wonderful, cute little polar bear baby, who was born Dezember 5th 2006 in Berlin annoyed me sooo much..
Every Religion lesson we talked about this polar bear. My teacher was a real big fan of Knut. Our record of talking about Knut was 45 minutes. During that time our teacher told us how cute Knut was and how the Berlin Zoo managed to handle all the people who wanted to see Knut. Now no one talkes about Knut any more because he isn't that cute any longer. He's a huge polar bear now;Too big to be cute.
Marco W. - the 19 year old German who went on vacation to Antalya with this family and then spend about 8 months in prison because he had sex with a 17 year old Briton. Did he rape her or not? I can't really tell but he was on the news every week.
Madeleine - a four year old girl disappeared on May the 3rd in Portugal. Till today no one knows where she is.
Lea-Sophie - was one of six or even more babies who died in Germany this year.
A mother threw her baby out of the window, and many other babies died because of neglect.
Lea-Sophie died because she didn't get enough food.
2007 so many babies and children died because their parents didn't take enough care, were brutal or didn't want to have their own babies any longer.
Blacksburg - you might even know more about the crazed action of the 23 year old guy who killed 32 humans than me.
I don't really know what to write about Blacksburg because it's too horrible to write about it. But I know that heros were made that day. The most famouse one was Christopher Jamie Bishop. He died because he saved his students.
Every year so many crazed action happen and not only in the USA. Even here at my own school strange things happen.
I was shocked when I heared about Blacksburg because a few months earlier a self-made bomb was build and planted at my school. No one was hurt at our school but there's still this hole in the asphalt and since that time the police drives around our school more often.
Benazir Bhutto - was killed because of a suicide.
She was first woman elected to lead a Muslim state, Pakistan.
So many cruel things happend 2007; too many!
For me personal the last year was pretty split into good and bad times.
Some of my family members died and two guys I knew died in a car crash.
So people disapeared in my life but there were also some who appeared.
I got to know some people of my grade, we hang out together and now we're really good friends. We spend a lot of time together. I attend service at their church and they are really awesome friends.
I'm so glad they entered my life.
Now 2007 is almost over and I'm some kind of sad about it. 2007 was an emotional year and 2008 will be the year of changes for me.
I'll finish school, leave home, go to college and I'll have some cuts in my life.
My life will change a lot.
I wish you all a blessed and happy 2008 and a wonderful New Year's Eve!
-Krissi
P.S. When I finished this blog entry I realized that I wrote about more horrible things than wonderful things of 2007.
It's always like this. You don't remember the good things but the bad ones.
But surely there were some more wonderful events in 2007.
Every Religion lesson we talked about this polar bear. My teacher was a real big fan of Knut. Our record of talking about Knut was 45 minutes. During that time our teacher told us how cute Knut was and how the Berlin Zoo managed to handle all the people who wanted to see Knut. Now no one talkes about Knut any more because he isn't that cute any longer. He's a huge polar bear now;Too big to be cute.
Marco W. - the 19 year old German who went on vacation to Antalya with this family and then spend about 8 months in prison because he had sex with a 17 year old Briton. Did he rape her or not? I can't really tell but he was on the news every week.
Madeleine - a four year old girl disappeared on May the 3rd in Portugal. Till today no one knows where she is.
Lea-Sophie - was one of six or even more babies who died in Germany this year.
A mother threw her baby out of the window, and many other babies died because of neglect.
Lea-Sophie died because she didn't get enough food.
2007 so many babies and children died because their parents didn't take enough care, were brutal or didn't want to have their own babies any longer.
Blacksburg - you might even know more about the crazed action of the 23 year old guy who killed 32 humans than me.
I don't really know what to write about Blacksburg because it's too horrible to write about it. But I know that heros were made that day. The most famouse one was Christopher Jamie Bishop. He died because he saved his students.
Every year so many crazed action happen and not only in the USA. Even here at my own school strange things happen.
I was shocked when I heared about Blacksburg because a few months earlier a self-made bomb was build and planted at my school. No one was hurt at our school but there's still this hole in the asphalt and since that time the police drives around our school more often.
Benazir Bhutto - was killed because of a suicide.
She was first woman elected to lead a Muslim state, Pakistan.
So many cruel things happend 2007; too many!
For me personal the last year was pretty split into good and bad times.
Some of my family members died and two guys I knew died in a car crash.
So people disapeared in my life but there were also some who appeared.
I got to know some people of my grade, we hang out together and now we're really good friends. We spend a lot of time together. I attend service at their church and they are really awesome friends.
I'm so glad they entered my life.
Now 2007 is almost over and I'm some kind of sad about it. 2007 was an emotional year and 2008 will be the year of changes for me.
I'll finish school, leave home, go to college and I'll have some cuts in my life.
My life will change a lot.
I wish you all a blessed and happy 2008 and a wonderful New Year's Eve!
-Krissi
P.S. When I finished this blog entry I realized that I wrote about more horrible things than wonderful things of 2007.
It's always like this. You don't remember the good things but the bad ones.
But surely there were some more wonderful events in 2007.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
welcome Krissi!
Krissi is now officially the fourth member of the team (the third of the active roster, and the fifth to join the journal)!
please be as kind to her and her views as you have been to myself and mine!
she is not going to be an exact carbon copy of my theology and idealogy, so please don't expect it. in fact i've already told her that i want her to post anything she can think of on here that we disagree about already. there's not much, but she's definitely got a right to post her own stance and opinion.
God be with you all!
see you next year!
PAX
-archer
please be as kind to her and her views as you have been to myself and mine!
she is not going to be an exact carbon copy of my theology and idealogy, so please don't expect it. in fact i've already told her that i want her to post anything she can think of on here that we disagree about already. there's not much, but she's definitely got a right to post her own stance and opinion.
God be with you all!
see you next year!
PAX
-archer
into able hands, and a very able heart
as early as Friday, December 14, 2007 i and my partner, Punjabican, will both be unable to contribute here until next year.
it is hard to have to shelve this for now, but when i return from outreach (in Mwanza, TZ) on January 10, 2008, i should have some great stories and observations and other thoughts to post on here. she will be going on winter break from school, as of this friday, and i don't remember exactly when she'll be able to start writing again.
we apologize for the boredom that may ensue whenever you check into this site. God knows i will be bored without this so familiar arm of expression.
but we also trust that we will by no means suffer any loss of creativity and imagination and material to put up on here!
in other news, though slightly related, we're capping off our first calendar year with this blog, with our first anniversary actually coming next month, on January 12. when we began we had four writers. three are still on board, but only two of us remain active. on our first day both Punjabican and i posted about the beginnings of everything we were striving four.
i said, on January 28, "i am going to experience the hardest months of my life to date, this year." the entry was entitled "i never knew i could be so tired"
that holds perfectly true, even though i had yet no real idea of what it was really going to look like.
it's interesting to look back and see that despite our early idealism, we've all stuck to our guns. even the two writers who don't write anymore have remained true to their hearts, and to mine, as my friends, and i know all four of us did something right by starting this journal.
it will be sad to go for so long, writing nothing. if i get a chance to, i have one other friend, deeply involved with all that Punjabican and i are striving toward, and also a great writer--i would like to invite her to join us as well! and perhaps, Punjabican and i will leave this journal in her able hands and very able heart.
thanks to everyone on the team who has made this such a great year! my love and prayers are with you all!
Merry Christmas!
Happy New Year!
May God's constant presence be a blessing and a joy to you as seasons shift.
PAX.
Namaste.
Salaams.
Peace.
-Archer & Punjabican
it is hard to have to shelve this for now, but when i return from outreach (in Mwanza, TZ) on January 10, 2008, i should have some great stories and observations and other thoughts to post on here. she will be going on winter break from school, as of this friday, and i don't remember exactly when she'll be able to start writing again.
we apologize for the boredom that may ensue whenever you check into this site. God knows i will be bored without this so familiar arm of expression.
but we also trust that we will by no means suffer any loss of creativity and imagination and material to put up on here!
in other news, though slightly related, we're capping off our first calendar year with this blog, with our first anniversary actually coming next month, on January 12. when we began we had four writers. three are still on board, but only two of us remain active. on our first day both Punjabican and i posted about the beginnings of everything we were striving four.
i said, on January 28, "i am going to experience the hardest months of my life to date, this year." the entry was entitled "i never knew i could be so tired"
that holds perfectly true, even though i had yet no real idea of what it was really going to look like.
it's interesting to look back and see that despite our early idealism, we've all stuck to our guns. even the two writers who don't write anymore have remained true to their hearts, and to mine, as my friends, and i know all four of us did something right by starting this journal.
it will be sad to go for so long, writing nothing. if i get a chance to, i have one other friend, deeply involved with all that Punjabican and i are striving toward, and also a great writer--i would like to invite her to join us as well! and perhaps, Punjabican and i will leave this journal in her able hands and very able heart.
thanks to everyone on the team who has made this such a great year! my love and prayers are with you all!
Merry Christmas!
Happy New Year!
May God's constant presence be a blessing and a joy to you as seasons shift.
PAX.
Namaste.
Salaams.
Peace.
-Archer & Punjabican
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
when Intra nixes Inter
i can barely begin to write what i would like to write, certain of only one thing:
that i am uncertain how long i will ramble, or exactly what i will mean to say by the last words of this entry. here goes, brothers and sisters.
Intrapersonal is far more challenging for me. as a concept, Intrapersonal is not very appealling to me normally, aside from moments when suddenly romance is the farthest thing from my mind. but lately, after this current resurfacing, and finding yet another window in which to reach in and throttle me while i dream, i am choked by the need to be Intrapersonal.
Interpersonal is out of the question for the time being. i don't really know how exaclty to do such a thing: i shall live these coming weeks, months, perhaps years, seeking only my Jesus and my Adonai and my Spirit. and seeking only myself. only Archer. i have no desire to allow myself to yet again get more-or-less "hitched" to someone. been there. done that. got hurt. hurt her. it sucks.
i need some time as me. i've got a lot of work to do on myself. a lot of effort to pour into the right relationship. i can't keep working on all the wrong ones before their time.
i think i want to be married. but i want to be married to my best friend, not my girlfriend. i want my wife to know me. not just kiss me and hold me. i want my wife to treat me like any other woman i know most of the time. i want a friendship, not just a "relationship." i want truth, not romance. i want genuine love, not puppy love or high school sweethearts. i want a partner in life, someone to work with all my life, not someone i simply come home to every night, who just makes me my meals, cleans my house, and cuddles with me for a movie at night.
i know i want something real. i want someone who aches for justice, and lives in the moment, unaware of the perception others have of her. i want someone who laughs so hard she cries, and cries so hard her head hurts. i want someone very broken, very imperfect, very far from anything i can continue to describe. so i won't even try.
but before i even consider any of these, i need my Jesus and my Adonai and my Spirit.
these i need, and only these. and now i've got my choice. a great deal of mistakes in my past, but there's no pressure on me to win any heart, but to simply return to the heart i never had to win.
pray for me. i've got a long and winding road ahead of me, and i'm really excited for it!
PAX.
-archer
that i am uncertain how long i will ramble, or exactly what i will mean to say by the last words of this entry. here goes, brothers and sisters.
Intrapersonal is far more challenging for me. as a concept, Intrapersonal is not very appealling to me normally, aside from moments when suddenly romance is the farthest thing from my mind. but lately, after this current resurfacing, and finding yet another window in which to reach in and throttle me while i dream, i am choked by the need to be Intrapersonal.
Interpersonal is out of the question for the time being. i don't really know how exaclty to do such a thing: i shall live these coming weeks, months, perhaps years, seeking only my Jesus and my Adonai and my Spirit. and seeking only myself. only Archer. i have no desire to allow myself to yet again get more-or-less "hitched" to someone. been there. done that. got hurt. hurt her. it sucks.
i need some time as me. i've got a lot of work to do on myself. a lot of effort to pour into the right relationship. i can't keep working on all the wrong ones before their time.
i think i want to be married. but i want to be married to my best friend, not my girlfriend. i want my wife to know me. not just kiss me and hold me. i want my wife to treat me like any other woman i know most of the time. i want a friendship, not just a "relationship." i want truth, not romance. i want genuine love, not puppy love or high school sweethearts. i want a partner in life, someone to work with all my life, not someone i simply come home to every night, who just makes me my meals, cleans my house, and cuddles with me for a movie at night.
i know i want something real. i want someone who aches for justice, and lives in the moment, unaware of the perception others have of her. i want someone who laughs so hard she cries, and cries so hard her head hurts. i want someone very broken, very imperfect, very far from anything i can continue to describe. so i won't even try.
but before i even consider any of these, i need my Jesus and my Adonai and my Spirit.
these i need, and only these. and now i've got my choice. a great deal of mistakes in my past, but there's no pressure on me to win any heart, but to simply return to the heart i never had to win.
pray for me. i've got a long and winding road ahead of me, and i'm really excited for it!
PAX.
-archer
Monday, November 26, 2007
for the record...
i was just informed this morning, in an observation from a dear friend who read my most recent blog, the Essay (on Evil and Good). she pointed out that Love and Hate are not opposites, rather she said that any of these words would be better opposed to Love:
apathy
coldness
coolness
deadness
casualness
languidness
indifference
carelessness
lukewarmness
insensibleness
halfheartedness
her very real evidence and reasoning is that if you Hate someone you still actually have a feeling toward them... you care about them in one way or another. you think of them in someway, and the opposite of Love is supposed to be the opposite of the greatest affection, care, concern, noticing, and whatever else. thank you for clearing that up... if i ever get around to writing about more of those topic i listed in the beginning (as i hope to relatively soon), then i will be sure you straighten everything out!
Peace to all in a world devoted to Unrest.
-Archer
apathy
coldness
coolness
deadness
casualness
languidness
indifference
carelessness
lukewarmness
insensibleness
halfheartedness
her very real evidence and reasoning is that if you Hate someone you still actually have a feeling toward them... you care about them in one way or another. you think of them in someway, and the opposite of Love is supposed to be the opposite of the greatest affection, care, concern, noticing, and whatever else. thank you for clearing that up... if i ever get around to writing about more of those topic i listed in the beginning (as i hope to relatively soon), then i will be sure you straighten everything out!
Peace to all in a world devoted to Unrest.
-Archer
Saturday, November 24, 2007
what i am coming to learn, and coming to love.
please read this article.
i am relatively unacquainted with the truth of suffering, of hopelessness.
i am a poor missionary student.
no stable bank account state-side.
the poorest of the westerners in this YWAM DTS in Arusha, Tanzania.
the one who's broken two hearts in one fell swoop--mine among the two.
the one who's defied everything about my old culture.
the one who can barely afford to be using this computer.
the one who can barely afford to call home.
the brother and son missing his family.
the brother missing his brother.
the brother missing his sister.
the brother missing his dog.
the one who cries the most.
the one who has mood swings.
the one who hurts most among the team of students.
the one who has just recently encountered personal hopelessness, and barely survived it.
the one aching for ancient voices, both human and otherwise.
the one who is at peace.
the one who writes too much, reads too much, thinks too much.
...but is still held and loved by God.
just read this article.
if you think you know suffering, this'll step on your toes, laugh at your ideas, and then lovingly give you a better idea of how to live, and how to look at life.
Amen.
Peace.
Love.
Joy.
Suffering.
to You.
Amen.
i am relatively unacquainted with the truth of suffering, of hopelessness.
i am a poor missionary student.
no stable bank account state-side.
the poorest of the westerners in this YWAM DTS in Arusha, Tanzania.
the one who's broken two hearts in one fell swoop--mine among the two.
the one who's defied everything about my old culture.
the one who can barely afford to be using this computer.
the one who can barely afford to call home.
the brother and son missing his family.
the brother missing his brother.
the brother missing his sister.
the brother missing his dog.
the one who cries the most.
the one who has mood swings.
the one who hurts most among the team of students.
the one who has just recently encountered personal hopelessness, and barely survived it.
the one aching for ancient voices, both human and otherwise.
the one who is at peace.
the one who writes too much, reads too much, thinks too much.
...but is still held and loved by God.
just read this article.
if you think you know suffering, this'll step on your toes, laugh at your ideas, and then lovingly give you a better idea of how to live, and how to look at life.
Amen.
Peace.
Love.
Joy.
Suffering.
to You.
Amen.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
they say...
they say that when the last thing in the world you want to do is write, that is exactly what you have to do.
frankly, i'm so tired and bored, and completely out of pace with deep thoughts at the moment, and my fingers are in no mood to contribute to society that the only thing i can think of is the fact that i've hurt people recently, and i'm going to do it again.
there's really no way to avoid it.
i am called to discipleship, and it is a very costly thing. my old life has passed and though great memories remain, i know that when i finally do return to the states, nothing will ever be the same.
my hand is at the plow, i cannot look back.
God is calling me to rise up and give what i must to the simple phrase, "follow me."
and in so doing, or attempting to do, i've greatly hurt a number of people. some have voiced this hurt, while others leave it to be read between the lines of their words to me.
frankly, i know my apology can't cover the pain that certain people will feel because of this. for that reason, i simply seek forgiveness, scattering the seeds across the earth, some falling on good soil, ready to accept my apology, others falling on the cold, hard pavement. pavement so unforgiving i'd crack my skull were i to trip onto it.
the best i can offer is that i am mostly happy where i'm at now. God has opened up so many doors for me, of various kinds, and he's challenging me to walk worthy of his calling. worthy of him.
so i take the first steps out in faith and hope he gives me a new step before my foot slips through and causes me to fall a long way down. but he's always provided that foothold in the past, and i believe in it now more than i ever did before Africa.
here, i realize what true faith is. what true love is. what true patience is. what true learning is.
and in almost everything i've been unprepared. c'est la vie.
but that's the training of it. the beauty of it.
"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1.2-3
please forgive me, my dear dear brothers and sisters. some of you may find it very easy to continue through life's journey with me even now that i'm undergoing change. while probably many more of you will not be able to accept my changes.
i'm at the point where i am leaving myself back in Indiana and Ohio, and Kentucky, and coming here, willing to be re-born, willing to run the gauntlet, so that i may simply be seen as His. it's all i've got. and i'm glad of it. in my weaknesses, He will be strongly seen. in my failures, achievements beyond human capability will be witnessed.
and perhaps, as i believe he has revealed to me, Bibles will get into the hands of those who desire one. whether conventionally or unconventionally.
i pray you understand. i thank those of you who do, and i can't explain it more to those who don't. this is just what has come to pass.
i have heard the call, and now i must answer.
Amen.
Salaams, brothers and sisters.
frankly, i'm so tired and bored, and completely out of pace with deep thoughts at the moment, and my fingers are in no mood to contribute to society that the only thing i can think of is the fact that i've hurt people recently, and i'm going to do it again.
there's really no way to avoid it.
i am called to discipleship, and it is a very costly thing. my old life has passed and though great memories remain, i know that when i finally do return to the states, nothing will ever be the same.
my hand is at the plow, i cannot look back.
God is calling me to rise up and give what i must to the simple phrase, "follow me."
and in so doing, or attempting to do, i've greatly hurt a number of people. some have voiced this hurt, while others leave it to be read between the lines of their words to me.
frankly, i know my apology can't cover the pain that certain people will feel because of this. for that reason, i simply seek forgiveness, scattering the seeds across the earth, some falling on good soil, ready to accept my apology, others falling on the cold, hard pavement. pavement so unforgiving i'd crack my skull were i to trip onto it.
the best i can offer is that i am mostly happy where i'm at now. God has opened up so many doors for me, of various kinds, and he's challenging me to walk worthy of his calling. worthy of him.
so i take the first steps out in faith and hope he gives me a new step before my foot slips through and causes me to fall a long way down. but he's always provided that foothold in the past, and i believe in it now more than i ever did before Africa.
here, i realize what true faith is. what true love is. what true patience is. what true learning is.
and in almost everything i've been unprepared. c'est la vie.
but that's the training of it. the beauty of it.
"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1.2-3
please forgive me, my dear dear brothers and sisters. some of you may find it very easy to continue through life's journey with me even now that i'm undergoing change. while probably many more of you will not be able to accept my changes.
i'm at the point where i am leaving myself back in Indiana and Ohio, and Kentucky, and coming here, willing to be re-born, willing to run the gauntlet, so that i may simply be seen as His. it's all i've got. and i'm glad of it. in my weaknesses, He will be strongly seen. in my failures, achievements beyond human capability will be witnessed.
and perhaps, as i believe he has revealed to me, Bibles will get into the hands of those who desire one. whether conventionally or unconventionally.
i pray you understand. i thank those of you who do, and i can't explain it more to those who don't. this is just what has come to pass.
i have heard the call, and now i must answer.
Amen.
Salaams, brothers and sisters.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Luke 2.10-- a letter to my parents yesterday
Mom, Dad,
...you're never going to believe this!
I should have first recognized the confirmation as i was speaking with Munishi about the Bibles for Edward and his family. As soon as i mentioned them to him, he jumped at the chance to help me find a need to fill. It wasn't long before he'd helped me once and had offered his help for the future.
this story all tied itself together today!
i am CERTAIN this is God's next step for me!
This morning, as i was working on my journal, i was finding clippings from my magazines to illustrate the topic of last sunday's service. Vera, our temp. base leader, whom i've already mentioned in several places, preached from Psalm 90.10-12, about "living a life of impact." as i gathered thoughts to fill that page in my journal, i began to relate it to my possible calling. i wanted to create a picture, a collage of several small pictures illustrating my role in the world. i took a small picture of a globe, stuck it onto a stretch of mountainous road from a Honda ad in WIRED, and put a running, jumping man's sillhouette at the other end of the road. the only thing missing was a picture of a Bible. i surprisingly couldn't find a single picture of a Bible in the whole of the Relevant magazine, sadly lol! but i remembered my friend Joyce's little tract she'd been clipping things out of. i went to her just in time and cut out the last little picture of the Bible in the whole tract. it was open and the pages looked more-or-less blank, so i went ahead and decided to write something on the pages. a verse that would fit really well. the first thing that popped into my head was the story in Luke where the Angel says "i bring you great news of great joy" or something like it. all i really wanted was the part that was the angel's message, not the part saying "the angel said...", since i don't really count myself an angel lol! i searched for that verse and found it.
I wrote the reference across the picture of the Bible.
Luke 2:10.
I went to town today and forgot about my journal for the most part, and almost bought another Bible, the English Standaard Version (the one used in SBS) in town, but didn't have enough money. i had also wanted to buy another swahili Bible or two if i'd found i had enough money for it, but as you know... i'm nearly broke!
so, i'd let it go until i'd gotten back and Edward was in the kitchen tonight after dinner when i took my plate and fork in, to wash them. as i washed next to him, he asked me if i had any other Bibles. i told him i didn't but i could get them. I'm sure God will provide the money for them. he told me there are 14 people in Masailand who need Bibles and he's already got 8 of them. I told him this is exactly what i'd hoped would happen after giving him those Bibles, that i'd learn more and more about getting Bibles to people. he was impressed and very pleased with that reaction. i was pumped after this reminder from God. so i just went straight to the dorm, and told several of my brothers in there that we need 6 Swahili Bibles by Thursday. they said they'd be glad to help pay. Thank God! they asked the price and stuff and all that jazz, and then i headed out, after finding the bag that Tyris had carried today, which had my Bible in it, and headed across the courtyard for the classroom, and i started looking around the room to see how many Bibles there were among us. i saw my copy of "The Message" sitting on my desk, near Derek's spot.
"hmm, Derek wanted this, might as well give it to him now." so i pulled out that bookmark the Kennedys sent us from the Chinese underground Church, wanting to put it into my NLT and left the Bible in Derek's place. as i glanced at the book mark yet again, i recognized the picture of the angel speaking to the shepherds from that story at the beginning of Luke. i suddenly remembered, for the first time since i'd written that reference, what i'd been thinking about this morning.
i was overwhelmed with curiosity about the actual verse in Luke that occuppied the bookmark...
five minutes later i was on google, searched "Chinese Bible", clicked on the first link and skipped to Luke 2.10, and compared the images with those of the bookmark. they matched letter-for-letter! the interesting thing was that they had left out the first part of the verse, saying "the Angel said...", just as i'd been thinking about it!
HOLY CRAP!!!!! i can't think it's anything less than God... no coincidence could ever be this great! i had no reason to think of those words this morning, save for that they were the first words to enter my head as i tried to think of a message for the persecuted Church.
Mom, Dad, ...do you believe it?!
I truly believe God had confirmed it now. first through Munishi. then through Edward. and now even through another scripture!
Praise God! please do Praise God! i really can't think of anything else to do!
frankly, i'm gonna go find out how we can scrape together enough money to buy 6 Bibles... the smallest, cheapest ones i know of are 7,000 each. that means (shoot, maybe i shoulda stayed in my math class!) .... um.... er.... um.... 42, 000 shillings (thank you Andrea and Jeff, sitting right across from me in the computer room!)
God will provide! i have no doubt in my mind! i'm gonna go pray now! 6 people need Bibles by thursday... and i only have 1,500 Tsh! time to pray, Mom and Dad!
I love you all! have a wonderful day! write me back about this when you get the chance! and of course, you're still in my prayers!
Amen!
-asher
...you're never going to believe this!
I should have first recognized the confirmation as i was speaking with Munishi about the Bibles for Edward and his family. As soon as i mentioned them to him, he jumped at the chance to help me find a need to fill. It wasn't long before he'd helped me once and had offered his help for the future.
this story all tied itself together today!
i am CERTAIN this is God's next step for me!
This morning, as i was working on my journal, i was finding clippings from my magazines to illustrate the topic of last sunday's service. Vera, our temp. base leader, whom i've already mentioned in several places, preached from Psalm 90.10-12, about "living a life of impact." as i gathered thoughts to fill that page in my journal, i began to relate it to my possible calling. i wanted to create a picture, a collage of several small pictures illustrating my role in the world. i took a small picture of a globe, stuck it onto a stretch of mountainous road from a Honda ad in WIRED, and put a running, jumping man's sillhouette at the other end of the road. the only thing missing was a picture of a Bible. i surprisingly couldn't find a single picture of a Bible in the whole of the Relevant magazine, sadly lol! but i remembered my friend Joyce's little tract she'd been clipping things out of. i went to her just in time and cut out the last little picture of the Bible in the whole tract. it was open and the pages looked more-or-less blank, so i went ahead and decided to write something on the pages. a verse that would fit really well. the first thing that popped into my head was the story in Luke where the Angel says "i bring you great news of great joy" or something like it. all i really wanted was the part that was the angel's message, not the part saying "the angel said...", since i don't really count myself an angel lol! i searched for that verse and found it.
I wrote the reference across the picture of the Bible.
Luke 2:10.
I went to town today and forgot about my journal for the most part, and almost bought another Bible, the English Standaard Version (the one used in SBS) in town, but didn't have enough money. i had also wanted to buy another swahili Bible or two if i'd found i had enough money for it, but as you know... i'm nearly broke!
so, i'd let it go until i'd gotten back and Edward was in the kitchen tonight after dinner when i took my plate and fork in, to wash them. as i washed next to him, he asked me if i had any other Bibles. i told him i didn't but i could get them. I'm sure God will provide the money for them. he told me there are 14 people in Masailand who need Bibles and he's already got 8 of them. I told him this is exactly what i'd hoped would happen after giving him those Bibles, that i'd learn more and more about getting Bibles to people. he was impressed and very pleased with that reaction. i was pumped after this reminder from God. so i just went straight to the dorm, and told several of my brothers in there that we need 6 Swahili Bibles by Thursday. they said they'd be glad to help pay. Thank God! they asked the price and stuff and all that jazz, and then i headed out, after finding the bag that Tyris had carried today, which had my Bible in it, and headed across the courtyard for the classroom, and i started looking around the room to see how many Bibles there were among us. i saw my copy of "The Message" sitting on my desk, near Derek's spot.
"hmm, Derek wanted this, might as well give it to him now." so i pulled out that bookmark the Kennedys sent us from the Chinese underground Church, wanting to put it into my NLT and left the Bible in Derek's place. as i glanced at the book mark yet again, i recognized the picture of the angel speaking to the shepherds from that story at the beginning of Luke. i suddenly remembered, for the first time since i'd written that reference, what i'd been thinking about this morning.
i was overwhelmed with curiosity about the actual verse in Luke that occuppied the bookmark...
five minutes later i was on google, searched "Chinese Bible", clicked on the first link and skipped to Luke 2.10, and compared the images with those of the bookmark. they matched letter-for-letter! the interesting thing was that they had left out the first part of the verse, saying "the Angel said...", just as i'd been thinking about it!
HOLY CRAP!!!!! i can't think it's anything less than God... no coincidence could ever be this great! i had no reason to think of those words this morning, save for that they were the first words to enter my head as i tried to think of a message for the persecuted Church.
Mom, Dad, ...do you believe it?!
I truly believe God had confirmed it now. first through Munishi. then through Edward. and now even through another scripture!
Praise God! please do Praise God! i really can't think of anything else to do!
frankly, i'm gonna go find out how we can scrape together enough money to buy 6 Bibles... the smallest, cheapest ones i know of are 7,000 each. that means (shoot, maybe i shoulda stayed in my math class!) .... um.... er.... um.... 42, 000 shillings (thank you Andrea and Jeff, sitting right across from me in the computer room!)
God will provide! i have no doubt in my mind! i'm gonna go pray now! 6 people need Bibles by thursday... and i only have 1,500 Tsh! time to pray, Mom and Dad!
I love you all! have a wonderful day! write me back about this when you get the chance! and of course, you're still in my prayers!
Amen!
-asher
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Thank you, my dear sister!
To be honest, i was hoping, as i surfed to this blog, to find that you had written, and indeed God has blessed me with your words, sister! thank you so much for your prayers!
i confess that at this point there's been little of political interest to photograph. Tanzania's so safe and unvolitile in many places that there's almost no need whatsoever to be aware.
However, apparently due to a very low salary (about $50 USD a month) the police here run on illegal bribes from foreign Mzungus like myself. so far, i've not even met the eyes of an officer here, much less been of any interest to them, but twice in the past couple weeks i've gone into town wearing two knives, and on those two trips, i found myself standing just a couple meters from a semi-automatic and its uniform-clad owner. strange how weapons seem drawn to each other. i think i'll stop carrying those knives outside the base. i really had no reason to.
i was pick-pocketed two weeks ago, and perhaps that would have been reason to want the knife still, but even in retrospect (as i'd had my bigger black knife on me that day), i'm sure i'd never have drawn it on anyone. to be quite honest, i've already forgiven the man who took my phone. i'm almost sure i know exactly who it was, and when it happened. by God's grace, he didn't manage to take the letter to my brother i had folded up in that very same pocket!
i was angry at first, naturally, as i realized about two minutes after the slight tussle with the man at the dala-dala station in the center of Arusha, that it was missing. but my very next thought was simply that i was praying they wouldn't harrass the people in my phone book. i called it from my friend's phone the next day and found that my SIM card had already been removed. it's not likely they'll ever be harrassing my loved ones!
i bought a new phone within about an hour, half the price of the one i'd lost, and i only felt stupid when i realized how much cheaper phones generally ran--outside of the supermarket i'd gotten my first Nokia at.
as a westerner who's nearly been handed everything in life, and had so little taken away, i feel it is by God's grace that that experience has only drawn my closer to the city of Arusha, and not pushed me away! As i think about it more and more, i realize my fate is intertwined with that of the whole continent of Africa. if Africa dies, i die. if Africa prospers, i will be happy. if Africa flounders, so will i. but i believe Africa is on the up.
part 2:
i also wanted to briefly mention something about the last church service i attended, two days ago...
during the worship session that opened the service (which was lead by Natasha, Mary, and Johan, from our DTS and leadership) i felt God speaking to me in a way i can't really describe. and honestly, i feel he's illuminated the task before me. or at least the direction he wants me to go in, for now. with that said, i am leaving the rest to your imagination and prayer. i've barely scratched the surface, but i'm waiting for God's guidance in the details, so for now they will remain between me and God, and two other men whom i've sworn to secrecy.
just please pray. thank you.
on a final note, there is one thing i see in my future with nearly absolute clarity.
Beginning in early February 2008, here at this very base in Arusha, is a School of Biblical Studies (SBS). it starts not more than two weeks after our DTS comes to a close, and frankly, i think God is telling me to stick around for that. it's another nine months of the most intensive study i think i'll ever take part in. i'll read every book of the Bible FIVE times in 9 months, breaking it down in nearly every separate book of the Bible to two-paragraph sections, and finding meaning and cultural significance in every word written in it! (except that apparently we'll only be doing a selection of Psalms since there are so many!) I don't expect to return to the States any time soon, and i know this may really hurt some of you, brothers and sisters.
so, i ask for your prayers on this as well.
and finally, i bid you all a wonderful night! i believe my time's almost up! i rarely get much time on the internet here... power tends to go out for several hours at a time, a couple times each day and night! so even when i have the time, i do not necessarily have the means. tonight has been a blessing! and i am so glad to give you all a fuller report on things here! many who read my blog will in some way receive word from my parents with a break-down of my daily routine. as for my sister, Aisha, well, i know you'll find a way to get into contact with me if i don't reach you first!
Have a blessed night!
the Peace of the Lord be with you. Amen.
-Archer (Motochi)
i confess that at this point there's been little of political interest to photograph. Tanzania's so safe and unvolitile in many places that there's almost no need whatsoever to be aware.
However, apparently due to a very low salary (about $50 USD a month) the police here run on illegal bribes from foreign Mzungus like myself. so far, i've not even met the eyes of an officer here, much less been of any interest to them, but twice in the past couple weeks i've gone into town wearing two knives, and on those two trips, i found myself standing just a couple meters from a semi-automatic and its uniform-clad owner. strange how weapons seem drawn to each other. i think i'll stop carrying those knives outside the base. i really had no reason to.
i was pick-pocketed two weeks ago, and perhaps that would have been reason to want the knife still, but even in retrospect (as i'd had my bigger black knife on me that day), i'm sure i'd never have drawn it on anyone. to be quite honest, i've already forgiven the man who took my phone. i'm almost sure i know exactly who it was, and when it happened. by God's grace, he didn't manage to take the letter to my brother i had folded up in that very same pocket!
i was angry at first, naturally, as i realized about two minutes after the slight tussle with the man at the dala-dala station in the center of Arusha, that it was missing. but my very next thought was simply that i was praying they wouldn't harrass the people in my phone book. i called it from my friend's phone the next day and found that my SIM card had already been removed. it's not likely they'll ever be harrassing my loved ones!
i bought a new phone within about an hour, half the price of the one i'd lost, and i only felt stupid when i realized how much cheaper phones generally ran--outside of the supermarket i'd gotten my first Nokia at.
as a westerner who's nearly been handed everything in life, and had so little taken away, i feel it is by God's grace that that experience has only drawn my closer to the city of Arusha, and not pushed me away! As i think about it more and more, i realize my fate is intertwined with that of the whole continent of Africa. if Africa dies, i die. if Africa prospers, i will be happy. if Africa flounders, so will i. but i believe Africa is on the up.
part 2:
i also wanted to briefly mention something about the last church service i attended, two days ago...
during the worship session that opened the service (which was lead by Natasha, Mary, and Johan, from our DTS and leadership) i felt God speaking to me in a way i can't really describe. and honestly, i feel he's illuminated the task before me. or at least the direction he wants me to go in, for now. with that said, i am leaving the rest to your imagination and prayer. i've barely scratched the surface, but i'm waiting for God's guidance in the details, so for now they will remain between me and God, and two other men whom i've sworn to secrecy.
just please pray. thank you.
on a final note, there is one thing i see in my future with nearly absolute clarity.
Beginning in early February 2008, here at this very base in Arusha, is a School of Biblical Studies (SBS). it starts not more than two weeks after our DTS comes to a close, and frankly, i think God is telling me to stick around for that. it's another nine months of the most intensive study i think i'll ever take part in. i'll read every book of the Bible FIVE times in 9 months, breaking it down in nearly every separate book of the Bible to two-paragraph sections, and finding meaning and cultural significance in every word written in it! (except that apparently we'll only be doing a selection of Psalms since there are so many!) I don't expect to return to the States any time soon, and i know this may really hurt some of you, brothers and sisters.
so, i ask for your prayers on this as well.
and finally, i bid you all a wonderful night! i believe my time's almost up! i rarely get much time on the internet here... power tends to go out for several hours at a time, a couple times each day and night! so even when i have the time, i do not necessarily have the means. tonight has been a blessing! and i am so glad to give you all a fuller report on things here! many who read my blog will in some way receive word from my parents with a break-down of my daily routine. as for my sister, Aisha, well, i know you'll find a way to get into contact with me if i don't reach you first!
Have a blessed night!
the Peace of the Lord be with you. Amen.
-Archer (Motochi)
Sunday, September 16, 2007
in Africa!
i'm in Africa, and i haven't blogged in 2 weeks! but here's a quick one to let everyone know im here and alive and well and loving Africa so much! i don't know when i'll get a chance to post again, but here's just to let you know i'd love to have some prayer! won't really tell you what for, but God will tell you if you seek him, especially in intercession! the team here is great and i already have a beautiful and strong connection with several people! God is good! Bwana Asifiwe!
by the way.... i feel like God may be asking me to stay here for a long time, so be praying for me in that! as it stands right now... i dont have any desire to return to the states!
my friend Patrick here has given me an African name, so that i may become as African as possible for a white boy!
i am now called Motoche! (in Swahili it means "Light"!)
i'm going to bed now! Bless you all!
Peace of Christ be with you, brothers and sisters!
Osicu mwema wada na waka!
by the way.... i feel like God may be asking me to stay here for a long time, so be praying for me in that! as it stands right now... i dont have any desire to return to the states!
my friend Patrick here has given me an African name, so that i may become as African as possible for a white boy!
i am now called Motoche! (in Swahili it means "Light"!)
i'm going to bed now! Bless you all!
Peace of Christ be with you, brothers and sisters!
Osicu mwema wada na waka!
Sunday, September 2, 2007
"Missionary Consecration" -before
It is Sunday, September 2nd, 2007. On Friday, September 7th, 2007, in the mid-morning, i will begin a day's worth of flights that will carry me from my last breaths in this country for the rest of this year.
It is 10.24 am. in about an hour, i'm going to be prayed over and "consecrated" at the church i attend in Lafayette, Indiana.
I am going to Africa, by God's grace and what is hopefully God's will.
I have gone through Hell in order to serve Heaven. emotionally. spiritually. mentally. financially. and even moreso emotionally.
but i am days away from slipping off my sandals and bowing to God to kiss the African sand in Arusha, Tanzania. whether or not i literally do all that, i'm not sure i'll have the guts to become a public spectacle! so, perhaps, i'll stick to just looking up and allowing God to take my breath away, as i step out of the airport, visa in hand.
i am setting out on a journey i have been living my whole life for, and one that will establish my temporary part in God's plan. i pray that more of my life is unravelled as i explore God and myself, and my brothers and sisters in Arusha.
i believe God will use this period in my life to draw me completely to him, so that i may be wholy his.
i believe he's already started that.
i am going to be ripped apart.
i am going to be torn.
i am going to be humbled, i pray.
i am going to be nothing but God's.
"When Christ calls a man, he bids him, come and die." -Bonhoeffer.
"He must become greater, i must become less." -John 3.30
i have always accepted the former, and never really understood the latter. but they coincide so much. this is where i must be fully accepting of God's will.
frankly, if he tells me that he wants me to stay on in Arusha, with YWAM, or to move somewhere else within Africa, i will not argue, and i will go ahead and do so. i aim to do as God asks. my Adonai, my King. it is he whom i must know.
when i learn the character of Christ, i will learn in whole, what God would have me do.
therefore, brothers and sisters. i become less. i tear down myself and i leave this country. possibly never to come back, if it is God's will.
pray for me. pray with me. i will pray for you. i will pray with you.
Peace of the Lord be with you all. PAX DOMINI.
amen.
It is 10.24 am. in about an hour, i'm going to be prayed over and "consecrated" at the church i attend in Lafayette, Indiana.
I am going to Africa, by God's grace and what is hopefully God's will.
I have gone through Hell in order to serve Heaven. emotionally. spiritually. mentally. financially. and even moreso emotionally.
but i am days away from slipping off my sandals and bowing to God to kiss the African sand in Arusha, Tanzania. whether or not i literally do all that, i'm not sure i'll have the guts to become a public spectacle! so, perhaps, i'll stick to just looking up and allowing God to take my breath away, as i step out of the airport, visa in hand.
i am setting out on a journey i have been living my whole life for, and one that will establish my temporary part in God's plan. i pray that more of my life is unravelled as i explore God and myself, and my brothers and sisters in Arusha.
i believe God will use this period in my life to draw me completely to him, so that i may be wholy his.
i believe he's already started that.
i am going to be ripped apart.
i am going to be torn.
i am going to be humbled, i pray.
i am going to be nothing but God's.
"When Christ calls a man, he bids him, come and die." -Bonhoeffer.
"He must become greater, i must become less." -John 3.30
i have always accepted the former, and never really understood the latter. but they coincide so much. this is where i must be fully accepting of God's will.
frankly, if he tells me that he wants me to stay on in Arusha, with YWAM, or to move somewhere else within Africa, i will not argue, and i will go ahead and do so. i aim to do as God asks. my Adonai, my King. it is he whom i must know.
when i learn the character of Christ, i will learn in whole, what God would have me do.
therefore, brothers and sisters. i become less. i tear down myself and i leave this country. possibly never to come back, if it is God's will.
pray for me. pray with me. i will pray for you. i will pray with you.
Peace of the Lord be with you all. PAX DOMINI.
amen.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
the blister on my left heel and the presence of God--part 2-------------------------------------------------------- or 'when and why i blog'
(i generally only blog when i KNOW i'm wrong, or when i THINK i'm right. interesting...)
i am not an angry person, but i am often very anger.
i am not a bitter person, but sometimes bitterness takes hold of me.
i am not a happy person, but i often know true joy!
i am not a perfect person, but sometimes goodness takes hold of me.
i blogged last night because i was bitter and angry.
Jesus only got angry on the behalf of others.
i don't think i was angry last night on the behalf of others. i am annoyed by the fact that because i dress poorly, walk barefoot constantly, and carry my most prescious books and trinkets in a backpack, i look like the kind of person who doesn't belong in the society.
that is correct. i do not belong in this world i live in. i'm talking primarily about middle-class america. as long as there is lower-class nigeria and bottom-class india (the untouchables), and upper-class western world... i belong at the bottom rung.
i will try to serve, in order to better follow the Jesus who i claim to trust in. the Jesus who knows me better than anyone, and knows just how broken and beautiful i can be.
but what i did wrong last night, was i actually got angry only on my wn behalf. the lower class world was not attacked. i was attacked by their prejudice. and maybe that means they think little of everyone poorer than they.
either way, they attacked me alone. this means my anger was unwarranted.
and i apologize.
i actually honestly wanted to invite that couple to dinner with me somewhere, just so i could better understand them, and explain to them what it is that makes me walk at night.
but i didn't really even tell them why i was walking, and who i was going out to meet. i am guilty of misguidance. i am guilty of anger on no reasonable count. i am guilty of selfishness. i wanted fresh air to meet with my maker, whereas all he needed was a stilled heart, and an empty room in this house i occupy. my bad.
forgive me, God. forgive me, my un-named brother and sister. i wish i knew you better and understood why you did not appreciate what i was doing last night. forgive me, brothers and sisters whom i do know, those of you who are supporting me and partnering with me and enabling me to go wherever i feel God calling me to go.
thank you for blessing me.
i am not perfect.
i am not good. ("there is no one who does good, not even one." -Romans 3.12b)
but i am trying to be like this guy Jesus who has both wrecked and resurrected my life.
amen.
i am not an angry person, but i am often very anger.
i am not a bitter person, but sometimes bitterness takes hold of me.
i am not a happy person, but i often know true joy!
i am not a perfect person, but sometimes goodness takes hold of me.
i blogged last night because i was bitter and angry.
Jesus only got angry on the behalf of others.
i don't think i was angry last night on the behalf of others. i am annoyed by the fact that because i dress poorly, walk barefoot constantly, and carry my most prescious books and trinkets in a backpack, i look like the kind of person who doesn't belong in the society.
that is correct. i do not belong in this world i live in. i'm talking primarily about middle-class america. as long as there is lower-class nigeria and bottom-class india (the untouchables), and upper-class western world... i belong at the bottom rung.
i will try to serve, in order to better follow the Jesus who i claim to trust in. the Jesus who knows me better than anyone, and knows just how broken and beautiful i can be.
but what i did wrong last night, was i actually got angry only on my wn behalf. the lower class world was not attacked. i was attacked by their prejudice. and maybe that means they think little of everyone poorer than they.
either way, they attacked me alone. this means my anger was unwarranted.
and i apologize.
i actually honestly wanted to invite that couple to dinner with me somewhere, just so i could better understand them, and explain to them what it is that makes me walk at night.
but i didn't really even tell them why i was walking, and who i was going out to meet. i am guilty of misguidance. i am guilty of anger on no reasonable count. i am guilty of selfishness. i wanted fresh air to meet with my maker, whereas all he needed was a stilled heart, and an empty room in this house i occupy. my bad.
forgive me, God. forgive me, my un-named brother and sister. i wish i knew you better and understood why you did not appreciate what i was doing last night. forgive me, brothers and sisters whom i do know, those of you who are supporting me and partnering with me and enabling me to go wherever i feel God calling me to go.
thank you for blessing me.
i am not perfect.
i am not good. ("there is no one who does good, not even one." -Romans 3.12b)
but i am trying to be like this guy Jesus who has both wrecked and resurrected my life.
amen.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
veritas.
i am turning to the arms of a woman whom i have always trusted in my pursuit of veritas. my deepest feelings and thoughts will be in a journal to her, so perhaps it may be a spell until my next entry here.
just pray for me. my pursuits of truth and love and faith--with works--and beauty... they have thus far failed. the Bible is barely exciting at this point. sadly. i need to read the gospels and that will undoubtedly help me. i just need to meet with Jesus again, and lay down arms (rather than take them up) alongside my Lord. in his companionship i will find my wholeness and a holiness untaintable.
pray for me, sisters and brothers.
pray for Em and I,
pray for Em,
pray for YWAM.
amen.
just pray for me. my pursuits of truth and love and faith--with works--and beauty... they have thus far failed. the Bible is barely exciting at this point. sadly. i need to read the gospels and that will undoubtedly help me. i just need to meet with Jesus again, and lay down arms (rather than take them up) alongside my Lord. in his companionship i will find my wholeness and a holiness untaintable.
pray for me, sisters and brothers.
pray for Em and I,
pray for Em,
pray for YWAM.
amen.
Friday, July 20, 2007
unpacking... and why i wish i were still in cleveland.
confusing cell phone service.
no wifi (except for something i'm filtering into my room from somewheres...)
no land-line.
no new friends.
no old friends.
no forever friends.
i know i sound really emo right now... but i don't really know exactly what i should be thinking like. it's pretty sucky right now, i can't lie.
i love sleeping on the floor, and i got to do that last night, so i totally wont complain about having no furniture yesterday and this morning.
i love exploring. i wouldnt mind the driving around, except that right now it just feels so frickin hollow.
the people i saw in my last days in cleveland are probably some of the only people i'll still be in touch with from here on out. it kinda sucks. there are a couple people i know i didnt see too recently, who i know i won't be forgetting or leaving behind.
i'm in Lafayette, Indiana now... living in a small development about ten years old or so. everything here is a development. and there was this one church building i saw this morning that seemed so far removed from the rest of the world, aside from its own little development which was attached.... and of course, impossible to navigate.
it was when i spent about 15 minutes looking at the map of the city on my sheet-less bed, surrounded by boxes i cant remember the exact contents of, looking at 4 walls that are way too girly looking, feeling a forlorn and yearning breeze blow in my one window, facing the rain-trough span of land next to our new "home", realizing i'll be gone as soon as i'm here, with nearly no friends to speak of... miles and miles away from my closest friends...... that's when it hit me.
i guess for now i keep fighting the tears as i think of my best friends, all at least a state away.
i thought i'd have a new friend here, but i can't help thinking she was only interested in a romantic relationship, and it seems she's drifted to the background already. of her accord, not mine.
and the only woman i could hug and hold for hours and hours may have to wait months and months to see me again.
i am lost. i seek the mission giver and the mission, because i dont know what else to do.
i send my love to you all, and some of you know you're loved better than others, and those who don't, i apologize.
go in peace. and seek after me if you want to. i could use the companionship.
PAX, brothers and sisters.
no wifi (except for something i'm filtering into my room from somewheres...)
no land-line.
no new friends.
no old friends.
no forever friends.
i know i sound really emo right now... but i don't really know exactly what i should be thinking like. it's pretty sucky right now, i can't lie.
i love sleeping on the floor, and i got to do that last night, so i totally wont complain about having no furniture yesterday and this morning.
i love exploring. i wouldnt mind the driving around, except that right now it just feels so frickin hollow.
the people i saw in my last days in cleveland are probably some of the only people i'll still be in touch with from here on out. it kinda sucks. there are a couple people i know i didnt see too recently, who i know i won't be forgetting or leaving behind.
i'm in Lafayette, Indiana now... living in a small development about ten years old or so. everything here is a development. and there was this one church building i saw this morning that seemed so far removed from the rest of the world, aside from its own little development which was attached.... and of course, impossible to navigate.
it was when i spent about 15 minutes looking at the map of the city on my sheet-less bed, surrounded by boxes i cant remember the exact contents of, looking at 4 walls that are way too girly looking, feeling a forlorn and yearning breeze blow in my one window, facing the rain-trough span of land next to our new "home", realizing i'll be gone as soon as i'm here, with nearly no friends to speak of... miles and miles away from my closest friends...... that's when it hit me.
i guess for now i keep fighting the tears as i think of my best friends, all at least a state away.
i thought i'd have a new friend here, but i can't help thinking she was only interested in a romantic relationship, and it seems she's drifted to the background already. of her accord, not mine.
and the only woman i could hug and hold for hours and hours may have to wait months and months to see me again.
i am lost. i seek the mission giver and the mission, because i dont know what else to do.
i send my love to you all, and some of you know you're loved better than others, and those who don't, i apologize.
go in peace. and seek after me if you want to. i could use the companionship.
PAX, brothers and sisters.
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