they say i've got identity in you Jeshua, but they also say you don't love gay folks or black folks or Iraqi folks, that's why i don't think i want THAT identity, i know your justice is different from that of those that claim your name, but i can't handle it, i'm lost, unable to find just you, just you, simply you, where the hell are ya, i'm reaching out in every direction, to my friends, to my causes, joined NAACP SPUSA and one too many churches looking for me, not you just me, i got it wrong, and now i can't get it right.
how can you be so close and so far, how can i climb the highest mountain and somehow miss you, how can i seek justice the way i think you like it and never meet you in the streets, how can i be raised in the church only to founder at the age of 20, how can the church raise me and push me out of the nest, i don't really want church, i want community, i guess i was raised by one that has now morphed into counterfeit, counterfeit cash burns a different color, smoke traces give it away, put it to the test and it fails, see me hurting, no you don't, you're not looking, you're the counterfeit.
i can't find my identity anymore, i don't know where to start, i'm lost in a foreign state, a fresh foreign state of mind, i don't want a lot of readers i want the right ones, i want those i can read with weep with write with smoke cigars and drink with, all that in fellowship with the Rabbi, where did the Rabbi go that no one can show me what he looks like anymore?
a sip of peach tea i find refreshing, i watched a confusing movie today, wish i were home, wish i were at bcc even though i know i've outgrown it their too, not all change is bad but all change hurts sure as hell, i hate this limbo this extraordinary maze, where are you taking me you devilish white rabbit, you're such a pain to me right now, i really am in pain, can't you tell, stop running me in circles and stop for a second won't you, i need peace, i need restoration, i need community, i need identity.
but identity's gone, jumped the gun as i jumped off the wagon, joined a new caravan called college again, they say it'll make me smarter, what if cigars i've never tried are all that i want, what do you say to that you pristine white-washed vanities of vacancy of vision, invest in someone won't you, invest in a man in need of a heart transplant and stop shoving me those bandaids damnit!
God, sweet sweet God, i want what you give, what you have given, what you always give me, i guess i lost it somewhere along the way, did i deny it or have it robbed from me, only a few remotely understand me and that number diminishes, i know i'm not alone but i see so few who are fighting for what i'm fighting for, i'll continue to pray with her, it's been a while since that act, i miss our prayers every night, her sweet soft voice saying amen and good night, i miss knowing she was with me on it, but i stopped praying with her each night and i blame me alone, i am the cause of my problems, i want to come back, but i don't even know which way to go!
i had another chance to find communion tonight, but like so many beyond the walls of the "church" i refused the chance, gave myself an excuse, i've been hurt so many times as i've sought companionship in you Rabbi, don't make me try it again in the wrong place, i'll join the ranks of the gas station guy, he with his beautiful broken eyes, he and i the same are crippled and killed by the christian church, i find more peace with him than i have in a "church building" in a year or so now.
i don't know what i did but i have become your judas.
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Two.
"Inti and Ricardo ran into some small boys and went to the house of a young peasant with six children, who received them very well and gave them a lot of information... Posing as one of Inti's assistants, i went to talk to the peasant... He told us about other peasants, but we could not be entirely confident about his information because he was not very specific. El Medico [Moro] treates the children who had worms and a mare had kicked one of them; then we headed off."
--February 9 & 10 [1967]
--Ernesto 'Che' Guevara's Bolivian Diary
"As Jesus continued on toward Jerusalem, he reached the border between Galilee and Samaria. As he entered a village there, ten lepers stood at a distance, crying out, 'Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!' He looked at them and said, 'Go show yourselves to the priests.' And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy."
--Verses 11-14 of Chapter 17
--Luke's Gospel, New Living Translation
two revolutionaries interested in the health and reality of the people around them as they strive to make a change.
both died by the age of 40, working, fighting, labouring, striving, living, dying for the people they cared for and loved.
Salaams.
--February 9 & 10 [1967]
--Ernesto 'Che' Guevara's Bolivian Diary
"As Jesus continued on toward Jerusalem, he reached the border between Galilee and Samaria. As he entered a village there, ten lepers stood at a distance, crying out, 'Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!' He looked at them and said, 'Go show yourselves to the priests.' And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy."
--Verses 11-14 of Chapter 17
--Luke's Gospel, New Living Translation
two revolutionaries interested in the health and reality of the people around them as they strive to make a change.
both died by the age of 40, working, fighting, labouring, striving, living, dying for the people they cared for and loved.
Salaams.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
i have a dilemma...
...that makes me feel childish, yet i am nearly twenty.
it is possible that someone is reading this who knows very well the person to whom i am referring, when i state that i have likely royally screwed up a friendship with someone i never got the chance to get too close to, before i went and buggered it up with short-sighted remedies of simple anxiety. and now, i am afraid to lose her friendship because she seems really cool.
maybe i'll get another chance, but for the time being, pray as i might for things to return to normalcy, i have no idea how i must act to fix this for the long-term.
anyone who's known me more than a year can gather a fuller extent of info simply based on experience with me. yeah, it's probably what you're thinking. and yeah, i need help, and suggestions.
this'd be so much easier if i just knew more people here. then i'd have balanced everything out to begin with, but i didn't know hardly anyone else, so i messed up by focusing so intently on one friendship that i frankly blew a hole in whatever had been built up.
tonight i went out with some guys from church (all at least 3 or 4 years older than me, which made me feel special) to see Leatherheads, after watching some Rob Bell sermon stuff at bible study, and it was really helpful to get out again, with GUYS!!!! when the freak did THAT last happen?! it was cool.
balance is re-taking what it once held to its own, and hopefully with this balance, and with my striving to give her just the right amount of space, there will be healing, and i will rejoice in that. for now, though, i'm content to be working in the right direction, and asking God to help me get there.
pax, everyone.
it is possible that someone is reading this who knows very well the person to whom i am referring, when i state that i have likely royally screwed up a friendship with someone i never got the chance to get too close to, before i went and buggered it up with short-sighted remedies of simple anxiety. and now, i am afraid to lose her friendship because she seems really cool.
maybe i'll get another chance, but for the time being, pray as i might for things to return to normalcy, i have no idea how i must act to fix this for the long-term.
anyone who's known me more than a year can gather a fuller extent of info simply based on experience with me. yeah, it's probably what you're thinking. and yeah, i need help, and suggestions.
this'd be so much easier if i just knew more people here. then i'd have balanced everything out to begin with, but i didn't know hardly anyone else, so i messed up by focusing so intently on one friendship that i frankly blew a hole in whatever had been built up.
tonight i went out with some guys from church (all at least 3 or 4 years older than me, which made me feel special) to see Leatherheads, after watching some Rob Bell sermon stuff at bible study, and it was really helpful to get out again, with GUYS!!!! when the freak did THAT last happen?! it was cool.
balance is re-taking what it once held to its own, and hopefully with this balance, and with my striving to give her just the right amount of space, there will be healing, and i will rejoice in that. for now, though, i'm content to be working in the right direction, and asking God to help me get there.
pax, everyone.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
confession (round 2)
last May i posted about several major character flaws of mine.
since that time i haven't really had too many opportunities to say anything further on the topic of my character flaws. but now i've come up with a reason for that to change.
i've got another character flaw to address and willingly expose to the few who don't already see this in me. tonight i had a bit of a chance to reflect on all my past relationships with girlfriends... i was driving home from a Bible study where the leader's daughter (a friend of my little sister) said something along the lines of, "so, i heard you got engaged in Africa?" apparently my sister had not only blabbed to this friend, but to a hand-full of other friends i've never even met, not to mention this friend tonight told her mother, and i've already told her father, in another related discussion.
it doesn't really bother me at all that people know this about me (as long as i'm able to explain and contextualize that statement!) fact of the matter is that i was, in fact, according to cultural norms, engaged to a girl i met on my team in Arusha, simply because i found her attractive and she caught on. it was all a whirlwind from there. we ended up fine by the end of it, sticking to our single selves, however, somewhere along the lines i'd further damaged my credibility, and apparently, she had as well. or i had done so, for her. i don't really know, or comprehend it all.
the point is, including the fact that i've been engaged already and "broken it off" (though i was oblivious of the severity of it until about a month and a half later!) i've simply had too many girlfriends too deal with myself. i'm not proud of it, and it's shown me just how weak i really am in this area.
i wear a purity ring. it's a small, ding-ed up silver ring on my left ring finger. from over 5 feet away, looks like i'm married. i look over 20, sometimes as old as 26, apparently... basically, with this ring on, i look untouchable.
that's just the way i want it to be for now--i'm still trying to go a couple years on my own, just workin things out with God, since i really haven't had such a chance since my sophomore year of high school... ergo it's time for a bleedin' break!
basically, i mess up. i ROYALLY mess up. i go back and forth between the Reign of Over-Zealous and the Reigned-in Over-Cautious! apparently, subconsciously i think that firing both kinds of weapons will balance things out and create a pleasant, neutral reaction. sometimes i get lucky (i.e. not dumb) and i ease in a statement here or there, where it could've been quite explosive instead, and totally read in the wrong (or right) way! thankfully, that hasn't happened too recently... barely.
just trying to hold myself together, and keep my sights on Aslan, and not get too tripped up trying to play the field for the time being. i've done enough of that at this point. i apologize to all whom i've hurt. please forgive me.
hopefully this next stint on earth will prove better-handled.
PAX.
since that time i haven't really had too many opportunities to say anything further on the topic of my character flaws. but now i've come up with a reason for that to change.
i've got another character flaw to address and willingly expose to the few who don't already see this in me. tonight i had a bit of a chance to reflect on all my past relationships with girlfriends... i was driving home from a Bible study where the leader's daughter (a friend of my little sister) said something along the lines of, "so, i heard you got engaged in Africa?" apparently my sister had not only blabbed to this friend, but to a hand-full of other friends i've never even met, not to mention this friend tonight told her mother, and i've already told her father, in another related discussion.
it doesn't really bother me at all that people know this about me (as long as i'm able to explain and contextualize that statement!) fact of the matter is that i was, in fact, according to cultural norms, engaged to a girl i met on my team in Arusha, simply because i found her attractive and she caught on. it was all a whirlwind from there. we ended up fine by the end of it, sticking to our single selves, however, somewhere along the lines i'd further damaged my credibility, and apparently, she had as well. or i had done so, for her. i don't really know, or comprehend it all.
the point is, including the fact that i've been engaged already and "broken it off" (though i was oblivious of the severity of it until about a month and a half later!) i've simply had too many girlfriends too deal with myself. i'm not proud of it, and it's shown me just how weak i really am in this area.
i wear a purity ring. it's a small, ding-ed up silver ring on my left ring finger. from over 5 feet away, looks like i'm married. i look over 20, sometimes as old as 26, apparently... basically, with this ring on, i look untouchable.
that's just the way i want it to be for now--i'm still trying to go a couple years on my own, just workin things out with God, since i really haven't had such a chance since my sophomore year of high school... ergo it's time for a bleedin' break!
basically, i mess up. i ROYALLY mess up. i go back and forth between the Reign of Over-Zealous and the Reigned-in Over-Cautious! apparently, subconsciously i think that firing both kinds of weapons will balance things out and create a pleasant, neutral reaction. sometimes i get lucky (i.e. not dumb) and i ease in a statement here or there, where it could've been quite explosive instead, and totally read in the wrong (or right) way! thankfully, that hasn't happened too recently... barely.
just trying to hold myself together, and keep my sights on Aslan, and not get too tripped up trying to play the field for the time being. i've done enough of that at this point. i apologize to all whom i've hurt. please forgive me.
hopefully this next stint on earth will prove better-handled.
PAX.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Waterboarding & Torture: read and tell me you still like Bush
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080214/pl_afp/usbushcongressintelligenceveto
i hate this. absolutely HATE it.
it'd be great if we could have someone mature in office sometime soon.
i should shut up now before i say something really bad.
so much for bloody human rights is the grand ol' US of A.
i hate this.
along this track, why don't we just go back to the "good old days (ways)" of breaking the Geneva Conventions and committing war crimes...
execution of a Vietcong soldier; photo taken at exact second of cartridge explosion.
way to go Captain America... you endorsed this.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
politics aside
Post Author: Archer
i read this AP article last night thru Yahoo News:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/world/20080130-1256-kenya-ethniccleansing.html
-'12:56 p.m. January 30, 2008
KISUMU, Kenya – The young man hefting a machete at the burning roadblock was frustrated. He'd been looking for five days, but could not find a member of the Kikuyu tribe to kill.
Members of Kenya's biggest tribe have disappeared in their thousands from Kisumu, making it the first – but perhaps not the last – city to be ethnically cleansed.'-
as i said in my last entry, i am no fan of Kibaki, and right now the thought of facing a Kikuyu in the streets terrifies me (and i fear for my dear friend Furaha, a non-Kikuyu Kenyan surviving in Nairobi right now and attempting to find a safe way back to her home in Kakamega, northwest of Kisumu, in western Kenya, not far from Lake Victoria.
i am no fan, indeed, but this is just digusting.
-'“If we find any Kikuyus, we're going to slaughter them or burn them alive,” 19-year-old Daniel Odongo said Wednesday, who wielded the machete...'-
KENYA!!!! shut up and listen! It seems your leaders don't care about you anymore at all, or else the over 800 dead would be enough to get them to sit down and talk. Face to Face.
KENYA!!!! ignore your leaders! let them deal with the politics themselves, but grow up and face your countrymen with love! put down your machetes and torches! let the civilians be civil and the government govern! Damnit, we don't want another Rwanda, or another Darfur, or another Somalia!
KENYA!!!! you used to be the beacon of light in East Africa! what happened?! were these ethnic hatreds too unbearable that suddenly you can't sit down to share the same bowl just because you disagree about who's won the election?!
KENYA!!!! believe me, brothers and sisters--we ALL have our opinions of who really won, and who should be in power and who should not! one of my friends, Doreen, has absolutely no intention of killing our friends Furaha and Patrick just because they voted for Odinga! i just spent five months surrounded by about 15 Kenyans who were divided politically, and there was absolutely no bloodshed!
KENYA!!!! you say you are Christians.... your nation is supposed to be EIGHTY PERCENT CHRISTIAN!!! where is your love, o brothers?!
KENYA!!!! show courage when you're not holding a machete! show courage and strength when called on to remove a roadblock, rather than light a huge tire on fire! show humility and be content with disagreement!
...if you cannot coexist in love and humility, may God have his way with you all, my beloved brothers and sisters.
stop staining your land, o beautiful Kenyans... stop killing your families...
God bring them peace before you bring them judgment. Yet not my will, but yours be done.
--Archer
i read this AP article last night thru Yahoo News:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/world/20080130-1256-kenya-ethniccleansing.html
-'12:56 p.m. January 30, 2008
KISUMU, Kenya – The young man hefting a machete at the burning roadblock was frustrated. He'd been looking for five days, but could not find a member of the Kikuyu tribe to kill.
Members of Kenya's biggest tribe have disappeared in their thousands from Kisumu, making it the first – but perhaps not the last – city to be ethnically cleansed.'-
as i said in my last entry, i am no fan of Kibaki, and right now the thought of facing a Kikuyu in the streets terrifies me (and i fear for my dear friend Furaha, a non-Kikuyu Kenyan surviving in Nairobi right now and attempting to find a safe way back to her home in Kakamega, northwest of Kisumu, in western Kenya, not far from Lake Victoria.
i am no fan, indeed, but this is just digusting.
-'“If we find any Kikuyus, we're going to slaughter them or burn them alive,” 19-year-old Daniel Odongo said Wednesday, who wielded the machete...'-
KENYA!!!! shut up and listen! It seems your leaders don't care about you anymore at all, or else the over 800 dead would be enough to get them to sit down and talk. Face to Face.
KENYA!!!! ignore your leaders! let them deal with the politics themselves, but grow up and face your countrymen with love! put down your machetes and torches! let the civilians be civil and the government govern! Damnit, we don't want another Rwanda, or another Darfur, or another Somalia!
KENYA!!!! you used to be the beacon of light in East Africa! what happened?! were these ethnic hatreds too unbearable that suddenly you can't sit down to share the same bowl just because you disagree about who's won the election?!
KENYA!!!! believe me, brothers and sisters--we ALL have our opinions of who really won, and who should be in power and who should not! one of my friends, Doreen, has absolutely no intention of killing our friends Furaha and Patrick just because they voted for Odinga! i just spent five months surrounded by about 15 Kenyans who were divided politically, and there was absolutely no bloodshed!
KENYA!!!! you say you are Christians.... your nation is supposed to be EIGHTY PERCENT CHRISTIAN!!! where is your love, o brothers?!
KENYA!!!! show courage when you're not holding a machete! show courage and strength when called on to remove a roadblock, rather than light a huge tire on fire! show humility and be content with disagreement!
...if you cannot coexist in love and humility, may God have his way with you all, my beloved brothers and sisters.
stop staining your land, o beautiful Kenyans... stop killing your families...
God bring them peace before you bring them judgment. Yet not my will, but yours be done.
--Archer
Monday, January 21, 2008
Kenya: Kikuyu: Kibaki
i'm only a several hours' drive from Nairobi, here, possibly the closest i'll ever be to Kenya's capital in the next several years, sadly.
and everything in Kenya has been pretty much shot to hell.
i've become so absorbed with all the news from Kenya since things started getting fishy only several days after Christmas, with the Election Commission delaying in publishing the winner of the race.
and a couple nights ago i had coffee with John, the base leader here, his wife Jesinta, K-K, Jeff, and Megan. John and his wife are Kenyans, living here in Arusha, running the base. the other four of us are all from the west.
Jesinta left us as the conversation shifted toward politics and the night wore on, for she had children to tend to for bedtime.
a couple other guests had already left, and gone to bed. thus it was only the five of us, with John and i in the thick of it, since i'm the only westerner who's really been following the whole thing.
i found out that Kibaki, the "president" of Kenya (who nearly undoubtedly won by mass rigging of the votes), who has already run the country for 5 years, has nearly backed himself into a corner. i pointed out that i'm surprised no one's assassinated him yet.
John told me that if things keep going the way they are for maybe only another two months, it's not too far-fetched of an idea.
either way, among his options are:
resigning.
going to court.
calling for a re-election which will bring about the first two options, probably, since he'll lose.
or being killed.
brother Kibaki, what have you done?
i do not pity you. i do not sympathize with you at all. if you even still cared about your own people, the Kikuyus, then maybe i'd feel bad for you. but you don't. their deaths and displacement mean nothing to you.
you are my brother, only as long as you remain human. you're nearing that boundary, and i fear you'll cross it, brother.
i cannot wait for justice to be dealt to you and yours.
step down and allow Odinga to save your countrymen.
and everything in Kenya has been pretty much shot to hell.
i've become so absorbed with all the news from Kenya since things started getting fishy only several days after Christmas, with the Election Commission delaying in publishing the winner of the race.
and a couple nights ago i had coffee with John, the base leader here, his wife Jesinta, K-K, Jeff, and Megan. John and his wife are Kenyans, living here in Arusha, running the base. the other four of us are all from the west.
Jesinta left us as the conversation shifted toward politics and the night wore on, for she had children to tend to for bedtime.
a couple other guests had already left, and gone to bed. thus it was only the five of us, with John and i in the thick of it, since i'm the only westerner who's really been following the whole thing.
i found out that Kibaki, the "president" of Kenya (who nearly undoubtedly won by mass rigging of the votes), who has already run the country for 5 years, has nearly backed himself into a corner. i pointed out that i'm surprised no one's assassinated him yet.
John told me that if things keep going the way they are for maybe only another two months, it's not too far-fetched of an idea.
either way, among his options are:
resigning.
going to court.
calling for a re-election which will bring about the first two options, probably, since he'll lose.
or being killed.
brother Kibaki, what have you done?
i do not pity you. i do not sympathize with you at all. if you even still cared about your own people, the Kikuyus, then maybe i'd feel bad for you. but you don't. their deaths and displacement mean nothing to you.
you are my brother, only as long as you remain human. you're nearing that boundary, and i fear you'll cross it, brother.
i cannot wait for justice to be dealt to you and yours.
step down and allow Odinga to save your countrymen.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
not good enough. period.
i looked at Amnesty International's page today, and i'm presently sitting in front of a computer screen in Ngaramtoni, about 10 or 15 minutes west of Arusha, Tanzania.
i am reading a report on Mogadishu, Somalia. (which means if i'd hop two borders i'd be there!) it's dated July 22, 2007.
it's the latest report i can find from Amnesty.
i love Amnesty, i'm a member, and have been for almost a year or so. i've worked with them on Darfur, and i hope to continue my work again as soon as i get stateside in ten days.
i love them, but something's wrong if i can't get public access to a report on Somalia's situation that isn't nearly six months old. especially on Somalia, probably the country that would need a "status update" every three or four months. or weeks.
in the "What You Can Do" menu at the top of the page, i am instructed that i have these options:
"Act Locally"
"Take Action Online"
"Activist Toolkit"
"Member Center"
"Join US"
"Donate"
"Shop Amnesty"
that's not good enough. not for me. shouldn't be enough for anyone.
period.
in four years i should be there. i still don't know exactly what group will carry me into the Mogadishu airport, but i'm almost dead certain i'm going.
with all this fire burnin in me, all i can say is:
Lock. And. Load.
i am reading a report on Mogadishu, Somalia. (which means if i'd hop two borders i'd be there!) it's dated July 22, 2007.
it's the latest report i can find from Amnesty.
i love Amnesty, i'm a member, and have been for almost a year or so. i've worked with them on Darfur, and i hope to continue my work again as soon as i get stateside in ten days.
i love them, but something's wrong if i can't get public access to a report on Somalia's situation that isn't nearly six months old. especially on Somalia, probably the country that would need a "status update" every three or four months. or weeks.
in the "What You Can Do" menu at the top of the page, i am instructed that i have these options:
"Act Locally"
"Take Action Online"
"Activist Toolkit"
"Member Center"
"Join US"
"Donate"
"Shop Amnesty"
that's not good enough. not for me. shouldn't be enough for anyone.
period.
in four years i should be there. i still don't know exactly what group will carry me into the Mogadishu airport, but i'm almost dead certain i'm going.
with all this fire burnin in me, all i can say is:
Lock. And. Load.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Somalia, Kenya, and other death wishes...
apparently the US government has just told all US citizens not to travel to Kenya because of the disorder.
Somolia's out of the question for most normal westerners (especially americans) anyway.
and i was going to try to travel to Kenya after my DTS, with my friend Joy, who lives in Kisumu. she and i have been tracking all of the stories on my radio here at the base, that thankfully i was wise enough to bring on outreach in Mwanza. it became our staple. especially in the bush-bush of Nassa.
but i felt God telling me to go home. i don't have the money to get there, to postpone my flight, or to survive for two weeks as i'd hoped. i wanted to go and take pictures, to march, to go to rallies, to comfort the victims, and to try to reach out to the leaders. but God is apparently not sending me there.
but i still feel him sending me to Somalia. there's a huge peace about it, and at the same time a crazy excitement that tickles the edges of my senses, like flames licking at the edge of paper before it goes up in smoke. it's an all-consuming fire right on the edge of my being, and here i am, waiting and praying for the doorway into that hellish place--the Horn of Africa.
since 1991 when a coup d'etat toppled the government, there have been about 15 attempts at a new, stable government. for just over a year now, Ethiopia has been running the show, since taking Mogadishu on December 28, 2006. they might be the longest running controller in recent years. i don't really know too much about it.
but for some reason, i'm pretty sure it's where i've got to go. i don't know exactly when or how (hopefully with Amnesty International, trying to stabalize everything from a human rights vantage point), but only God knows now.
i need to brush up on my Arabic before i get the green-light.
and get a better camera.
and a couple important licenses to aid me in various sectors of life there.
and i need to finish reading the Qu'ran.
and the Bible.
hehe... :) like i said, there's that heated excitement!
pray for me, dear brothers and sisters, as i pray for you.
PAX.
Somolia's out of the question for most normal westerners (especially americans) anyway.
and i was going to try to travel to Kenya after my DTS, with my friend Joy, who lives in Kisumu. she and i have been tracking all of the stories on my radio here at the base, that thankfully i was wise enough to bring on outreach in Mwanza. it became our staple. especially in the bush-bush of Nassa.
but i felt God telling me to go home. i don't have the money to get there, to postpone my flight, or to survive for two weeks as i'd hoped. i wanted to go and take pictures, to march, to go to rallies, to comfort the victims, and to try to reach out to the leaders. but God is apparently not sending me there.
but i still feel him sending me to Somalia. there's a huge peace about it, and at the same time a crazy excitement that tickles the edges of my senses, like flames licking at the edge of paper before it goes up in smoke. it's an all-consuming fire right on the edge of my being, and here i am, waiting and praying for the doorway into that hellish place--the Horn of Africa.
since 1991 when a coup d'etat toppled the government, there have been about 15 attempts at a new, stable government. for just over a year now, Ethiopia has been running the show, since taking Mogadishu on December 28, 2006. they might be the longest running controller in recent years. i don't really know too much about it.
but for some reason, i'm pretty sure it's where i've got to go. i don't know exactly when or how (hopefully with Amnesty International, trying to stabalize everything from a human rights vantage point), but only God knows now.
i need to brush up on my Arabic before i get the green-light.
and get a better camera.
and a couple important licenses to aid me in various sectors of life there.
and i need to finish reading the Qu'ran.
and the Bible.
hehe... :) like i said, there's that heated excitement!
pray for me, dear brothers and sisters, as i pray for you.
PAX.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
heat
the heat is on.
i feel idle once again.
i feel a waste of energy and knowledge.
i need to be out there.
gotta go fight.
the heat is on.
i picked up 'Not On Our Watch' again, after over a month. just in the mood for something political and activism-related. and now i feel more lost than ever.
missions is important, and not more or less important than justice, i believe. frankly, i think Jesus seemed to emphasize how we are to live more than what we are living for in the end. i could be wrong. but that's just the impression i get.
i feel idle once again.
i'm in Africa, but there's so little i can do. i can't give money since i'm so low on it myself. i can't write letters since letters across Africa rarely seem to make it where they're going (sent one to Dodoma, TZ, from here, and one to Capetown--two months ago. no reply.)
i miss lobbying with my colleague Bethany P. she and i were a good team. we hit two congresspersons from Ohio in one week, while thousands of other Amnesty activists were doing the same nation-wide. and that was back in March. i can't do anything like that here. in Darfur, people are still targets.
i feel a waste of energy and knowledge.
i learned a lot about Darfur and other issues like it, while working with Bethany in the spring. i've learned a lot while reading this book. i've learned a lot from peers and fellow passionate people.
i'm nearly consumed by the energy for this task. i'm at the point where i'm willing to pull out anything i can from companies my Roth IRA is invested in, if they're in any way connected to Sudan. i'll march straight up Capital Hill chanting if you give me a chance.
i need to be out there.
sitting here, with all this energy cooped up inside me, feeling so useless and yet so potent, i can think of only two solutions: either go to Khartoum personally, or likewise to D.C.
i need to be among the ranks of the marchers, the lobbyists, the mega-phone shouters and screamers, the political writers and journalists, the eager students and sacrificial soldiers. but i'm here, with an ever watchful eye for just such an opportunity.
gotta go fight.
standing at the edge of the cliff, what else is there to do. i've been backed into the corner by the indifference and ignorance around me. the people with the blank faces don't realize where i am, how close i am to the edge.
but now i've gotta take a stand, raise the banner, draw attention, raise awareness. shake things up. fight. things get dirty when people raise havoc. quiet is more destructive than loud protest. i gotta go join the fight.
Get into gear and make some noise.
-Archer
i feel idle once again.
i feel a waste of energy and knowledge.
i need to be out there.
gotta go fight.
the heat is on.
i picked up 'Not On Our Watch' again, after over a month. just in the mood for something political and activism-related. and now i feel more lost than ever.
missions is important, and not more or less important than justice, i believe. frankly, i think Jesus seemed to emphasize how we are to live more than what we are living for in the end. i could be wrong. but that's just the impression i get.
i feel idle once again.
i'm in Africa, but there's so little i can do. i can't give money since i'm so low on it myself. i can't write letters since letters across Africa rarely seem to make it where they're going (sent one to Dodoma, TZ, from here, and one to Capetown--two months ago. no reply.)
i miss lobbying with my colleague Bethany P. she and i were a good team. we hit two congresspersons from Ohio in one week, while thousands of other Amnesty activists were doing the same nation-wide. and that was back in March. i can't do anything like that here. in Darfur, people are still targets.
i feel a waste of energy and knowledge.
i learned a lot about Darfur and other issues like it, while working with Bethany in the spring. i've learned a lot while reading this book. i've learned a lot from peers and fellow passionate people.
i'm nearly consumed by the energy for this task. i'm at the point where i'm willing to pull out anything i can from companies my Roth IRA is invested in, if they're in any way connected to Sudan. i'll march straight up Capital Hill chanting if you give me a chance.
i need to be out there.
sitting here, with all this energy cooped up inside me, feeling so useless and yet so potent, i can think of only two solutions: either go to Khartoum personally, or likewise to D.C.
i need to be among the ranks of the marchers, the lobbyists, the mega-phone shouters and screamers, the political writers and journalists, the eager students and sacrificial soldiers. but i'm here, with an ever watchful eye for just such an opportunity.
gotta go fight.
standing at the edge of the cliff, what else is there to do. i've been backed into the corner by the indifference and ignorance around me. the people with the blank faces don't realize where i am, how close i am to the edge.
but now i've gotta take a stand, raise the banner, draw attention, raise awareness. shake things up. fight. things get dirty when people raise havoc. quiet is more destructive than loud protest. i gotta go join the fight.
Get into gear and make some noise.
-Archer
Sunday, December 9, 2007
-a really controversial political/ecclesiastical blog on Hillary Clinton-
Hitler.
Stalin.
Mao.
Communist China.
Soviet USSR.
NAZI Germany.
Sharia Saudi Arabia.
Disappearances.
Firing Squads.
Hangings.
Arrests.
Public Executions.
...or simply slander.
all these people, places, and things are closely correlated, in collected memory and common knowledge, with the reality of vast persecution. the very last (and seemingly least) on this list, is rarely measured as the same caliber.
but maybe that's all the persecution Jesus and his roving bands will get if Hillary is elected next year.
the Church is (or was) strong under all the regimes listed, in their respective locations. what if the Church would grow if it realized that Christendom didn't have a monopoly on the grand establishment of 'American Government'? ("Hail the con-qu'ring HE-ROOOO!!!" *trumpet blast*)
i wanted to vote for Barack Obama.
(even though he spoke of invading Pakistan)
i wanted to vote for Sam Brownback.
(even though he seems to have a beef against gay people)
i wanted to vote for Ron Paul.
(even though he seems to have no mercy on illegal immigrants)
i wanted to vote for Morgan Freeman.
(even though a great African American like him only stands a chance in 'Deep Impact')
i even wanted to vote for Jesus Christ.
(but Mom told me that would probably be a waste unless His second coming is inauguration day, 2009)
but, no... out of nowhere, while pondering the increasingly over-Christianite right-wing political climate of the U.S. ... God throws me a curveball, and puts a brand new name into this young voter's head.
yeah... hers.
Hillary Clinton.
i'm so confused. but i think maybe she'll have my vote.
i want to clarify this... somehow.
growing up, i was raised in a relatively conservative Christian home. i've had really close friends raised in very strict homes of the like. many of those friends have turned their backs on their old "faith" since it was more of a force-fed, indoctrinated religion. i stated once in a youth group setting, a few years back, that my biggest feared is an entirely Christian-run world. frankly, as i begin to understand american politics, that holds true more fervently than ever. i don't want to live in a Christian nation, just as i don't want to live in an atheist nation (like the former government in Albania), or under Sharia (Qur'an) Law, like Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan, and the northern half of Nigeria.
i can't see any of those places truly benefiting the heart the citizens have for their God (or lack there-of).
Jesus did not overthrow Roman occupation in Israel. Rather, Jesus did attack Pharisee religious leaders on nearly a daily basis.
Jesus attacked religious rulership because it left the Pharisees devoid of love for their beautiful Adonai!
i have a friend attending classes at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia. she's recently written that she misses God. the late Jerry Falwell has set up his school in so distinctly a Christian frame that men and women stay on opposite ends of campus, and on only one day a year is any member of the opposite sex (aside from immediate family, hopefully) allowed into your dorm room, as a sort of 'Open House'. God is everywhere on that campus, and seemingly nowhere in the hearts of some of its students.
my friend misses God, on a Christian college campus in the Bible Belt of the USofA!
people say they’ll leave the country if Hillary’s elected. who knows, maybe she’ll deport half of us anyway... i know so little of her politics--except that she’s a caricature of the devil to so many right-wing Christians.
i think i’d rather leave a country under the rulership of Pharisees than abandon the strong and the few faithful, under Nero.
“So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.” -Paul’s letter to the members of the Church in Galatia, chapter 5: verse 1
if we are free to choose, will we not choose the Truth?
PAX (ROMANA)
Stalin.
Mao.
Communist China.
Soviet USSR.
NAZI Germany.
Sharia Saudi Arabia.
Disappearances.
Firing Squads.
Hangings.
Arrests.
Public Executions.
...or simply slander.
all these people, places, and things are closely correlated, in collected memory and common knowledge, with the reality of vast persecution. the very last (and seemingly least) on this list, is rarely measured as the same caliber.
but maybe that's all the persecution Jesus and his roving bands will get if Hillary is elected next year.
the Church is (or was) strong under all the regimes listed, in their respective locations. what if the Church would grow if it realized that Christendom didn't have a monopoly on the grand establishment of 'American Government'? ("Hail the con-qu'ring HE-ROOOO!!!" *trumpet blast*)
i wanted to vote for Barack Obama.
(even though he spoke of invading Pakistan)
i wanted to vote for Sam Brownback.
(even though he seems to have a beef against gay people)
i wanted to vote for Ron Paul.
(even though he seems to have no mercy on illegal immigrants)
i wanted to vote for Morgan Freeman.
(even though a great African American like him only stands a chance in 'Deep Impact')
i even wanted to vote for Jesus Christ.
(but Mom told me that would probably be a waste unless His second coming is inauguration day, 2009)
but, no... out of nowhere, while pondering the increasingly over-Christianite right-wing political climate of the U.S. ... God throws me a curveball, and puts a brand new name into this young voter's head.
yeah... hers.
Hillary Clinton.
i'm so confused. but i think maybe she'll have my vote.
i want to clarify this... somehow.
growing up, i was raised in a relatively conservative Christian home. i've had really close friends raised in very strict homes of the like. many of those friends have turned their backs on their old "faith" since it was more of a force-fed, indoctrinated religion. i stated once in a youth group setting, a few years back, that my biggest feared is an entirely Christian-run world. frankly, as i begin to understand american politics, that holds true more fervently than ever. i don't want to live in a Christian nation, just as i don't want to live in an atheist nation (like the former government in Albania), or under Sharia (Qur'an) Law, like Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan, and the northern half of Nigeria.
i can't see any of those places truly benefiting the heart the citizens have for their God (or lack there-of).
Jesus did not overthrow Roman occupation in Israel. Rather, Jesus did attack Pharisee religious leaders on nearly a daily basis.
Jesus attacked religious rulership because it left the Pharisees devoid of love for their beautiful Adonai!
i have a friend attending classes at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia. she's recently written that she misses God. the late Jerry Falwell has set up his school in so distinctly a Christian frame that men and women stay on opposite ends of campus, and on only one day a year is any member of the opposite sex (aside from immediate family, hopefully) allowed into your dorm room, as a sort of 'Open House'. God is everywhere on that campus, and seemingly nowhere in the hearts of some of its students.
my friend misses God, on a Christian college campus in the Bible Belt of the USofA!
people say they’ll leave the country if Hillary’s elected. who knows, maybe she’ll deport half of us anyway... i know so little of her politics--except that she’s a caricature of the devil to so many right-wing Christians.
i think i’d rather leave a country under the rulership of Pharisees than abandon the strong and the few faithful, under Nero.
“So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.” -Paul’s letter to the members of the Church in Galatia, chapter 5: verse 1
if we are free to choose, will we not choose the Truth?
PAX (ROMANA)
Saturday, November 24, 2007
what i am coming to learn, and coming to love.
please read this article.
i am relatively unacquainted with the truth of suffering, of hopelessness.
i am a poor missionary student.
no stable bank account state-side.
the poorest of the westerners in this YWAM DTS in Arusha, Tanzania.
the one who's broken two hearts in one fell swoop--mine among the two.
the one who's defied everything about my old culture.
the one who can barely afford to be using this computer.
the one who can barely afford to call home.
the brother and son missing his family.
the brother missing his brother.
the brother missing his sister.
the brother missing his dog.
the one who cries the most.
the one who has mood swings.
the one who hurts most among the team of students.
the one who has just recently encountered personal hopelessness, and barely survived it.
the one aching for ancient voices, both human and otherwise.
the one who is at peace.
the one who writes too much, reads too much, thinks too much.
...but is still held and loved by God.
just read this article.
if you think you know suffering, this'll step on your toes, laugh at your ideas, and then lovingly give you a better idea of how to live, and how to look at life.
Amen.
Peace.
Love.
Joy.
Suffering.
to You.
Amen.
i am relatively unacquainted with the truth of suffering, of hopelessness.
i am a poor missionary student.
no stable bank account state-side.
the poorest of the westerners in this YWAM DTS in Arusha, Tanzania.
the one who's broken two hearts in one fell swoop--mine among the two.
the one who's defied everything about my old culture.
the one who can barely afford to be using this computer.
the one who can barely afford to call home.
the brother and son missing his family.
the brother missing his brother.
the brother missing his sister.
the brother missing his dog.
the one who cries the most.
the one who has mood swings.
the one who hurts most among the team of students.
the one who has just recently encountered personal hopelessness, and barely survived it.
the one aching for ancient voices, both human and otherwise.
the one who is at peace.
the one who writes too much, reads too much, thinks too much.
...but is still held and loved by God.
just read this article.
if you think you know suffering, this'll step on your toes, laugh at your ideas, and then lovingly give you a better idea of how to live, and how to look at life.
Amen.
Peace.
Love.
Joy.
Suffering.
to You.
Amen.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Church ..part two..
"Jesus said to the people who believed in him, "'you are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. and you will know the thruth, and the truth will set you free... So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.'"
-John 8.31-32,36
all truth we ever learn is meant to point us toward the Son who truly craves a relationship with us. but, as Taylor pointed out, we are given the freedom to choose to live in freedom. or we can stick to our old ways. as many of Jesus' disciples deserted him in John 6.60-71, he humbly asked the 12, "are you also going to leave?" (v.67)
i can picture that revolutionary leader, already pushed into the ground by the religious leaders of the time, living his whole life both solely AS truth, and FOR truth. and when people refuse truth, whether given proof or no, it can destroy the good messenger. with sadness weighing on him, Jesus turned from the crowd to his twelve closest brothers, looking each of them in the eyes for a moment as he annunciated those pain-surged words. possibly on the verge of tears, he slows down his speech, letting each syllable bring his gaze to another apostle in the small huddle. the wind on the hillside is forced to the background of all thought for the apostles. the sun burning on their faces and the sand beneath their toes, uncomfortably shifting on the pads of their sandals--all sensation is forgotten and lost unto them. their leader, their beloved hero, the only person they have any real stock in... has just challenged them. perhaps, the apostles might think, if this is the messiah, doesn't he already know what i'm going to do? either way, they realize they definitely have the choice now. hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time Jesus reaches Golgotha. this is one of the moments they can leave him and blend with the crowd.
given the choice, every time i face a hard teaching, it takes me weeks, often, to face up to what Jesus' words and example will mean for me. and these hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time i reach Sheol. ever moment is one of those moments when i can leave him and slip into the massive deserting crowd. it's just too easy.
but with those eyes on the verge of tears, i already know i've got to stick by my master, my Father, the one who's invested so much in me. ignoring the sun, the wind, the sand... i've got to cross the line onto the other side. a daily Alamo challenge.
i think the whole Church faces it. there's not much we can do if we really know who we're hurting by saying no. if we really know who we're loving and pleasing by saying yes.
as each of the twelve cross the invisible line and move closer to their Rabbi--their Lord--they watch the tears in his eyes fade. a stray tear slides silently down his cheek. not one of the apostles blames him for it. greeted with a warm embrace, one by one, in the gathering dusk, this weak-seeming gesture is turned on its head and used in the most profound way it's ever been used troughout the course of all eternal history. in fact, they likely think, this is why i love him more--because he shows us how much he loves us. and this reciprocal love before the twelve sinners even have an inkling of the cross to come.
we know about the overabundance of love and sacrifice because the cross has already come. the Church needs to understand who she's betrothed to. we need to be faithful. to every word of teaching. to every gesture of acceptance. to every example of truth. to every ounce of real love.
Peace be with us all. in Jesus' name.
-John 8.31-32,36
all truth we ever learn is meant to point us toward the Son who truly craves a relationship with us. but, as Taylor pointed out, we are given the freedom to choose to live in freedom. or we can stick to our old ways. as many of Jesus' disciples deserted him in John 6.60-71, he humbly asked the 12, "are you also going to leave?" (v.67)
i can picture that revolutionary leader, already pushed into the ground by the religious leaders of the time, living his whole life both solely AS truth, and FOR truth. and when people refuse truth, whether given proof or no, it can destroy the good messenger. with sadness weighing on him, Jesus turned from the crowd to his twelve closest brothers, looking each of them in the eyes for a moment as he annunciated those pain-surged words. possibly on the verge of tears, he slows down his speech, letting each syllable bring his gaze to another apostle in the small huddle. the wind on the hillside is forced to the background of all thought for the apostles. the sun burning on their faces and the sand beneath their toes, uncomfortably shifting on the pads of their sandals--all sensation is forgotten and lost unto them. their leader, their beloved hero, the only person they have any real stock in... has just challenged them. perhaps, the apostles might think, if this is the messiah, doesn't he already know what i'm going to do? either way, they realize they definitely have the choice now. hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time Jesus reaches Golgotha. this is one of the moments they can leave him and blend with the crowd.
given the choice, every time i face a hard teaching, it takes me weeks, often, to face up to what Jesus' words and example will mean for me. and these hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time i reach Sheol. ever moment is one of those moments when i can leave him and slip into the massive deserting crowd. it's just too easy.
but with those eyes on the verge of tears, i already know i've got to stick by my master, my Father, the one who's invested so much in me. ignoring the sun, the wind, the sand... i've got to cross the line onto the other side. a daily Alamo challenge.
i think the whole Church faces it. there's not much we can do if we really know who we're hurting by saying no. if we really know who we're loving and pleasing by saying yes.
as each of the twelve cross the invisible line and move closer to their Rabbi--their Lord--they watch the tears in his eyes fade. a stray tear slides silently down his cheek. not one of the apostles blames him for it. greeted with a warm embrace, one by one, in the gathering dusk, this weak-seeming gesture is turned on its head and used in the most profound way it's ever been used troughout the course of all eternal history. in fact, they likely think, this is why i love him more--because he shows us how much he loves us. and this reciprocal love before the twelve sinners even have an inkling of the cross to come.
we know about the overabundance of love and sacrifice because the cross has already come. the Church needs to understand who she's betrothed to. we need to be faithful. to every word of teaching. to every gesture of acceptance. to every example of truth. to every ounce of real love.
Peace be with us all. in Jesus' name.
Church
"in relation to the Kingdom of God--what about the Church? firstly, she's not to draw attention to herself. as soon as she does so, she's lost the power and authority given her."
-Tony Taylor, of England (our speaker for the week, here at the DTS).
it's a grave reminder to me personally, as i begin an endeavor to write a critique on the Church's most "popular" problems she's facing today. perhaps common is a better word. but i'm sure that the former will actually shed more light on it, in some ways.
sadly, i'm walking a very tight rope in writing this little essay, since i am in danger of drawing attention not only to the Church, but also to myself. as much as i hope my [comparatively incredibly uneducated] words are taken seriously, respected and understoof... the last thing i want is the attention of others in the Church.
just as Marx and Engel became almost as famous as their Manifesto, and Luther as famous as his Theses (to the point where frankly all i know about the Theses is that it stood against indulgences, and i know much more about Luther himself).
it worries me that theologians generally have big names. Dr. King calls it the "Drum-Major Instinct". and i am not at all calling out any theologians for striving to be as famous as their theology. but it is interesting to me that they seem like they are not disappearing like Bobby Fisher. but then again, that generated more publicity than his known achievements.
so i guess it's not so purely an example of Dr. King's fear--though there are examples such as Bishop Spong--rather i believe it is a symptom of a leader-starved world. we're so lacking in strong leaders, as the world has nearly every generation since the Judges began to rule Israel. so, of course nearly anyone we can set our eyes on who knows what they're talking about, we nearly canonize them.
frankly, i've nearly done that very same thing to Tony Taylor as he's been teaching. it's so apparent that God's been speaking through him. and in realizing that we get blinded by the truth that is in front of us, and we stop there, we find an unsettling amount of admiration within ourselves toward the creation and not the Creator. we fail to move on, following in the direction the truth is leading us...
-Tony Taylor, of England (our speaker for the week, here at the DTS).
it's a grave reminder to me personally, as i begin an endeavor to write a critique on the Church's most "popular" problems she's facing today. perhaps common is a better word. but i'm sure that the former will actually shed more light on it, in some ways.
sadly, i'm walking a very tight rope in writing this little essay, since i am in danger of drawing attention not only to the Church, but also to myself. as much as i hope my [comparatively incredibly uneducated] words are taken seriously, respected and understoof... the last thing i want is the attention of others in the Church.
just as Marx and Engel became almost as famous as their Manifesto, and Luther as famous as his Theses (to the point where frankly all i know about the Theses is that it stood against indulgences, and i know much more about Luther himself).
it worries me that theologians generally have big names. Dr. King calls it the "Drum-Major Instinct". and i am not at all calling out any theologians for striving to be as famous as their theology. but it is interesting to me that they seem like they are not disappearing like Bobby Fisher. but then again, that generated more publicity than his known achievements.
so i guess it's not so purely an example of Dr. King's fear--though there are examples such as Bishop Spong--rather i believe it is a symptom of a leader-starved world. we're so lacking in strong leaders, as the world has nearly every generation since the Judges began to rule Israel. so, of course nearly anyone we can set our eyes on who knows what they're talking about, we nearly canonize them.
frankly, i've nearly done that very same thing to Tony Taylor as he's been teaching. it's so apparent that God's been speaking through him. and in realizing that we get blinded by the truth that is in front of us, and we stop there, we find an unsettling amount of admiration within ourselves toward the creation and not the Creator. we fail to move on, following in the direction the truth is leading us...
Saturday, November 10, 2007
good to go home. (remix: dated Nov. 18)
it's probably not too healthy to be thinking about it so early, but i'm going to be really glad to go back to Indiana, and to visit Cleveland and Kentucky again.
to some degree, there's the hazard of this causing me to be so lax and irresponsible here, thinking so far ahead--2 and a half months. but on the other hand, isn't it also incredibly responsible to be planning ahead for the coming journey upon my arrival.
no sojourn under God's eyes ever reaches the finish line until the sojourner is looking into the eyes of God.
i can't ignore that my work was never finished when i left. and i can't ignore the fact that i will be picking up where i left off with a lot of my political and social activism.
as far as i can tell, Lafayette isn't exactly Chicago or Seattle or New York, or even Cleveland. but that certainly doesn't draw it up short of people who care about justice--at home, and globally.
there are great men and women i am looking forward to working with, in various ministries. i also have hopes to travel back to my roots in Europe and spend six months there. i may have to spend up to a year working at Barnes & Noble in Lafayette before i get such a chance. but i feel that that is where God is leading me. i don't know really any of the details, or exactly where i'll go. but i genuinely feel that it must be God calling me into it. it seems so illogical otherwise. it doesn't fit with any of my previous plans and thoughts concerning Africa. always wanted to go back and visit Amsterdam for a bit, but nothing quite like this.
frankly, as much as i've try to "know God (and make God known"- as is YWAM's motto) here in Arusha, it's been really difficult, since i've had to deal with so much legalism and religiosity, inside and outside of my DTS. thus it's been too hard for me to really meet God and get to know him as my Father as he's been able to barely reveal to me, amidst all the stifling structure.
in other news, i've been really struggling with the leadership here. not all, but several by name, and sometimes sadly the whole entity of YWAM Arusha seems to be to blame-- for those of you reading this entry after Nov. 18, 2007, you'll have missed a very explosive section containing angry journal entries from last week. due to my father's wisdom and frankly a sense that i needed to remove it (just like Hayley Williams' second thoughts on some of her lyrics in the amazing song, "Misery Business"; just read about that in an old issue of Relevant magazine) my anger was justified as far as i can tell, it's taught me a lot about myself and the way i see things, and for now, i'm getting past the feelings of anger that i can do little or nothing about. i'm definitely learning what it means to stick to what i know, and who i am, as i'm under fire. the entries were removed because they contained names i hadn't bothered changing, and to someone on the outside, it could seem as though i hated them. i definitely do not. my anger has passed, but the lesson remains, and again i'm working at seeking the best out of this DTS. after the following dashes, the remixed version is complete. PAX--
again: your will be done, Father.
-archer
to some degree, there's the hazard of this causing me to be so lax and irresponsible here, thinking so far ahead--2 and a half months. but on the other hand, isn't it also incredibly responsible to be planning ahead for the coming journey upon my arrival.
no sojourn under God's eyes ever reaches the finish line until the sojourner is looking into the eyes of God.
i can't ignore that my work was never finished when i left. and i can't ignore the fact that i will be picking up where i left off with a lot of my political and social activism.
as far as i can tell, Lafayette isn't exactly Chicago or Seattle or New York, or even Cleveland. but that certainly doesn't draw it up short of people who care about justice--at home, and globally.
there are great men and women i am looking forward to working with, in various ministries. i also have hopes to travel back to my roots in Europe and spend six months there. i may have to spend up to a year working at Barnes & Noble in Lafayette before i get such a chance. but i feel that that is where God is leading me. i don't know really any of the details, or exactly where i'll go. but i genuinely feel that it must be God calling me into it. it seems so illogical otherwise. it doesn't fit with any of my previous plans and thoughts concerning Africa. always wanted to go back and visit Amsterdam for a bit, but nothing quite like this.
frankly, as much as i've try to "know God (and make God known"- as is YWAM's motto) here in Arusha, it's been really difficult, since i've had to deal with so much legalism and religiosity, inside and outside of my DTS. thus it's been too hard for me to really meet God and get to know him as my Father as he's been able to barely reveal to me, amidst all the stifling structure.
in other news, i've been really struggling with the leadership here. not all, but several by name, and sometimes sadly the whole entity of YWAM Arusha seems to be to blame-- for those of you reading this entry after Nov. 18, 2007, you'll have missed a very explosive section containing angry journal entries from last week. due to my father's wisdom and frankly a sense that i needed to remove it (just like Hayley Williams' second thoughts on some of her lyrics in the amazing song, "Misery Business"; just read about that in an old issue of Relevant magazine) my anger was justified as far as i can tell, it's taught me a lot about myself and the way i see things, and for now, i'm getting past the feelings of anger that i can do little or nothing about. i'm definitely learning what it means to stick to what i know, and who i am, as i'm under fire. the entries were removed because they contained names i hadn't bothered changing, and to someone on the outside, it could seem as though i hated them. i definitely do not. my anger has passed, but the lesson remains, and again i'm working at seeking the best out of this DTS. after the following dashes, the remixed version is complete. PAX--
again: your will be done, Father.
-archer
Sunday, October 14, 2007
they say...
they say that when the last thing in the world you want to do is write, that is exactly what you have to do.
frankly, i'm so tired and bored, and completely out of pace with deep thoughts at the moment, and my fingers are in no mood to contribute to society that the only thing i can think of is the fact that i've hurt people recently, and i'm going to do it again.
there's really no way to avoid it.
i am called to discipleship, and it is a very costly thing. my old life has passed and though great memories remain, i know that when i finally do return to the states, nothing will ever be the same.
my hand is at the plow, i cannot look back.
God is calling me to rise up and give what i must to the simple phrase, "follow me."
and in so doing, or attempting to do, i've greatly hurt a number of people. some have voiced this hurt, while others leave it to be read between the lines of their words to me.
frankly, i know my apology can't cover the pain that certain people will feel because of this. for that reason, i simply seek forgiveness, scattering the seeds across the earth, some falling on good soil, ready to accept my apology, others falling on the cold, hard pavement. pavement so unforgiving i'd crack my skull were i to trip onto it.
the best i can offer is that i am mostly happy where i'm at now. God has opened up so many doors for me, of various kinds, and he's challenging me to walk worthy of his calling. worthy of him.
so i take the first steps out in faith and hope he gives me a new step before my foot slips through and causes me to fall a long way down. but he's always provided that foothold in the past, and i believe in it now more than i ever did before Africa.
here, i realize what true faith is. what true love is. what true patience is. what true learning is.
and in almost everything i've been unprepared. c'est la vie.
but that's the training of it. the beauty of it.
"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1.2-3
please forgive me, my dear dear brothers and sisters. some of you may find it very easy to continue through life's journey with me even now that i'm undergoing change. while probably many more of you will not be able to accept my changes.
i'm at the point where i am leaving myself back in Indiana and Ohio, and Kentucky, and coming here, willing to be re-born, willing to run the gauntlet, so that i may simply be seen as His. it's all i've got. and i'm glad of it. in my weaknesses, He will be strongly seen. in my failures, achievements beyond human capability will be witnessed.
and perhaps, as i believe he has revealed to me, Bibles will get into the hands of those who desire one. whether conventionally or unconventionally.
i pray you understand. i thank those of you who do, and i can't explain it more to those who don't. this is just what has come to pass.
i have heard the call, and now i must answer.
Amen.
Salaams, brothers and sisters.
frankly, i'm so tired and bored, and completely out of pace with deep thoughts at the moment, and my fingers are in no mood to contribute to society that the only thing i can think of is the fact that i've hurt people recently, and i'm going to do it again.
there's really no way to avoid it.
i am called to discipleship, and it is a very costly thing. my old life has passed and though great memories remain, i know that when i finally do return to the states, nothing will ever be the same.
my hand is at the plow, i cannot look back.
God is calling me to rise up and give what i must to the simple phrase, "follow me."
and in so doing, or attempting to do, i've greatly hurt a number of people. some have voiced this hurt, while others leave it to be read between the lines of their words to me.
frankly, i know my apology can't cover the pain that certain people will feel because of this. for that reason, i simply seek forgiveness, scattering the seeds across the earth, some falling on good soil, ready to accept my apology, others falling on the cold, hard pavement. pavement so unforgiving i'd crack my skull were i to trip onto it.
the best i can offer is that i am mostly happy where i'm at now. God has opened up so many doors for me, of various kinds, and he's challenging me to walk worthy of his calling. worthy of him.
so i take the first steps out in faith and hope he gives me a new step before my foot slips through and causes me to fall a long way down. but he's always provided that foothold in the past, and i believe in it now more than i ever did before Africa.
here, i realize what true faith is. what true love is. what true patience is. what true learning is.
and in almost everything i've been unprepared. c'est la vie.
but that's the training of it. the beauty of it.
"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1.2-3
please forgive me, my dear dear brothers and sisters. some of you may find it very easy to continue through life's journey with me even now that i'm undergoing change. while probably many more of you will not be able to accept my changes.
i'm at the point where i am leaving myself back in Indiana and Ohio, and Kentucky, and coming here, willing to be re-born, willing to run the gauntlet, so that i may simply be seen as His. it's all i've got. and i'm glad of it. in my weaknesses, He will be strongly seen. in my failures, achievements beyond human capability will be witnessed.
and perhaps, as i believe he has revealed to me, Bibles will get into the hands of those who desire one. whether conventionally or unconventionally.
i pray you understand. i thank those of you who do, and i can't explain it more to those who don't. this is just what has come to pass.
i have heard the call, and now i must answer.
Amen.
Salaams, brothers and sisters.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
the blister on my left heel and the presence of God
the blister on my left heel and the presence of God were two of the things that spurred me from this house tonight.
and two things that nearly got me arrested.
way to go america.
----
it is 12.47am on Sunday morning, the 26th of August, 2007. i leave for Tanzania in a little over 12 days.
so i have a lot of stuff to think and pray about.
so, naturally, as people do when they have a lot on their minds and hearts.
i took a walk. or, started to, rather.
barely six or seven houses down, and just as i'm rounding the corner to start my round about the block, a middle-aged couple drives by, pulls a U-ey at the intersection i'm turning at, and pulls up next to me.
(at the same time)
man: "hey. what are you doing?"
woman: "do you live in the neighborhood?"
me: "i'm walkin'."
(at the same time)
woman: "do you live in the neighborhood?"
man: "with a backpack?"
me: "yeah, just down at 4014."
man: "why are you walking?"
me: "because... i... want to."
man: "well, should we call somebody?"
me: "no, you don't need to."
(at the same time)
man: "well, someone walking around at... 12.40 at night, with a backpack and no shoes... i mean..."
woman: (under her breath) "maybe you should just go home."
me: "i'm kinda weird"
man: "yeah, i'll say."
(at the same time)
man: "you should just go home."
woman: (to her husband) "oh don't."
me: "you want me to just go home?"
man: "well, yeah, or i'm gonna call someone."
me: "okay..."
i turn around and walk back, cursing them under my breath.
just because i don't fit into the mold of standard suburbia, i'm thought of as a threat.
if anyone ever wondered what i can't stand about suburbia, this is just one example of what sucks about it. i can't take a walk, in which i'm not threatening to anyone at all, just because i look weird to them. nothing about what i'm wearing is terribly different except for the lack of shoes. apparently a back-pack on a student, in a college town, is a red flag of a terrorist, or even worse... a homeless person!
suburbia: "oh no! whatever shall we do?! i'm so frightened!"
me: "grow up."
me: "i can't wait to leave this country."
at least in Africa if someone stops me from walking at night, it'll actually be a legitimate concern.
i shoulda asked that couple why they were out driving so late.
but then again, they're normal, right, so driving around in the dark, in an un-lit vehicle, oh and that whole illegal U-turn thing, that's all perfectly acceptable at 12.40 at night. who knows what kinds of frickin explosives (or bodies) they could have had in the trunk.
since when was a single person more suspicious than a group travelling in an encased vehicle?
God get me outta here, and do us freaks a favor, please, and shatter the bubbles of 'normal' people. they're blind. make them see, please.
and two things that nearly got me arrested.
way to go america.
----
it is 12.47am on Sunday morning, the 26th of August, 2007. i leave for Tanzania in a little over 12 days.
so i have a lot of stuff to think and pray about.
so, naturally, as people do when they have a lot on their minds and hearts.
i took a walk. or, started to, rather.
barely six or seven houses down, and just as i'm rounding the corner to start my round about the block, a middle-aged couple drives by, pulls a U-ey at the intersection i'm turning at, and pulls up next to me.
(at the same time)
man: "hey. what are you doing?"
woman: "do you live in the neighborhood?"
me: "i'm walkin'."
(at the same time)
woman: "do you live in the neighborhood?"
man: "with a backpack?"
me: "yeah, just down at 4014."
man: "why are you walking?"
me: "because... i... want to."
man: "well, should we call somebody?"
me: "no, you don't need to."
(at the same time)
man: "well, someone walking around at... 12.40 at night, with a backpack and no shoes... i mean..."
woman: (under her breath) "maybe you should just go home."
me: "i'm kinda weird"
man: "yeah, i'll say."
(at the same time)
man: "you should just go home."
woman: (to her husband) "oh don't."
me: "you want me to just go home?"
man: "well, yeah, or i'm gonna call someone."
me: "okay..."
i turn around and walk back, cursing them under my breath.
just because i don't fit into the mold of standard suburbia, i'm thought of as a threat.
if anyone ever wondered what i can't stand about suburbia, this is just one example of what sucks about it. i can't take a walk, in which i'm not threatening to anyone at all, just because i look weird to them. nothing about what i'm wearing is terribly different except for the lack of shoes. apparently a back-pack on a student, in a college town, is a red flag of a terrorist, or even worse... a homeless person!
suburbia: "oh no! whatever shall we do?! i'm so frightened!"
me: "grow up."
me: "i can't wait to leave this country."
at least in Africa if someone stops me from walking at night, it'll actually be a legitimate concern.
i shoulda asked that couple why they were out driving so late.
but then again, they're normal, right, so driving around in the dark, in an un-lit vehicle, oh and that whole illegal U-turn thing, that's all perfectly acceptable at 12.40 at night. who knows what kinds of frickin explosives (or bodies) they could have had in the trunk.
since when was a single person more suspicious than a group travelling in an encased vehicle?
God get me outta here, and do us freaks a favor, please, and shatter the bubbles of 'normal' people. they're blind. make them see, please.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
You!
YOU... you walked into my life, an obnoxious little punk, and you broke my heart!
you wrecked my life and turned everything upside down!
you made me insanely uncomfortable with my lifestyle!
you wrecked all my perceptions of everyone and the world i thought i knew!
you made me care when all i wanted to care about was ME!
you made me look into peoples' eyes and not just at them!
you screwed up my life's plan!
you blew up every chance i ever had with her!
you threw a kink in everything i ever thought made sense!
you butchered my pride!
you botched my self-esteem, and all i had going for me!
you suck!
but i guess i still love you for it, Jesus, cuz i'm finally living.
you wrecked my life and turned everything upside down!
you made me insanely uncomfortable with my lifestyle!
you wrecked all my perceptions of everyone and the world i thought i knew!
you made me care when all i wanted to care about was ME!
you made me look into peoples' eyes and not just at them!
you screwed up my life's plan!
you blew up every chance i ever had with her!
you threw a kink in everything i ever thought made sense!
you butchered my pride!
you botched my self-esteem, and all i had going for me!
you suck!
but i guess i still love you for it, Jesus, cuz i'm finally living.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
veritas.
i am turning to the arms of a woman whom i have always trusted in my pursuit of veritas. my deepest feelings and thoughts will be in a journal to her, so perhaps it may be a spell until my next entry here.
just pray for me. my pursuits of truth and love and faith--with works--and beauty... they have thus far failed. the Bible is barely exciting at this point. sadly. i need to read the gospels and that will undoubtedly help me. i just need to meet with Jesus again, and lay down arms (rather than take them up) alongside my Lord. in his companionship i will find my wholeness and a holiness untaintable.
pray for me, sisters and brothers.
pray for Em and I,
pray for Em,
pray for YWAM.
amen.
just pray for me. my pursuits of truth and love and faith--with works--and beauty... they have thus far failed. the Bible is barely exciting at this point. sadly. i need to read the gospels and that will undoubtedly help me. i just need to meet with Jesus again, and lay down arms (rather than take them up) alongside my Lord. in his companionship i will find my wholeness and a holiness untaintable.
pray for me, sisters and brothers.
pray for Em and I,
pray for Em,
pray for YWAM.
amen.
Friday, July 20, 2007
unpacking... and why i wish i were still in cleveland.
confusing cell phone service.
no wifi (except for something i'm filtering into my room from somewheres...)
no land-line.
no new friends.
no old friends.
no forever friends.
i know i sound really emo right now... but i don't really know exactly what i should be thinking like. it's pretty sucky right now, i can't lie.
i love sleeping on the floor, and i got to do that last night, so i totally wont complain about having no furniture yesterday and this morning.
i love exploring. i wouldnt mind the driving around, except that right now it just feels so frickin hollow.
the people i saw in my last days in cleveland are probably some of the only people i'll still be in touch with from here on out. it kinda sucks. there are a couple people i know i didnt see too recently, who i know i won't be forgetting or leaving behind.
i'm in Lafayette, Indiana now... living in a small development about ten years old or so. everything here is a development. and there was this one church building i saw this morning that seemed so far removed from the rest of the world, aside from its own little development which was attached.... and of course, impossible to navigate.
it was when i spent about 15 minutes looking at the map of the city on my sheet-less bed, surrounded by boxes i cant remember the exact contents of, looking at 4 walls that are way too girly looking, feeling a forlorn and yearning breeze blow in my one window, facing the rain-trough span of land next to our new "home", realizing i'll be gone as soon as i'm here, with nearly no friends to speak of... miles and miles away from my closest friends...... that's when it hit me.
i guess for now i keep fighting the tears as i think of my best friends, all at least a state away.
i thought i'd have a new friend here, but i can't help thinking she was only interested in a romantic relationship, and it seems she's drifted to the background already. of her accord, not mine.
and the only woman i could hug and hold for hours and hours may have to wait months and months to see me again.
i am lost. i seek the mission giver and the mission, because i dont know what else to do.
i send my love to you all, and some of you know you're loved better than others, and those who don't, i apologize.
go in peace. and seek after me if you want to. i could use the companionship.
PAX, brothers and sisters.
no wifi (except for something i'm filtering into my room from somewheres...)
no land-line.
no new friends.
no old friends.
no forever friends.
i know i sound really emo right now... but i don't really know exactly what i should be thinking like. it's pretty sucky right now, i can't lie.
i love sleeping on the floor, and i got to do that last night, so i totally wont complain about having no furniture yesterday and this morning.
i love exploring. i wouldnt mind the driving around, except that right now it just feels so frickin hollow.
the people i saw in my last days in cleveland are probably some of the only people i'll still be in touch with from here on out. it kinda sucks. there are a couple people i know i didnt see too recently, who i know i won't be forgetting or leaving behind.
i'm in Lafayette, Indiana now... living in a small development about ten years old or so. everything here is a development. and there was this one church building i saw this morning that seemed so far removed from the rest of the world, aside from its own little development which was attached.... and of course, impossible to navigate.
it was when i spent about 15 minutes looking at the map of the city on my sheet-less bed, surrounded by boxes i cant remember the exact contents of, looking at 4 walls that are way too girly looking, feeling a forlorn and yearning breeze blow in my one window, facing the rain-trough span of land next to our new "home", realizing i'll be gone as soon as i'm here, with nearly no friends to speak of... miles and miles away from my closest friends...... that's when it hit me.
i guess for now i keep fighting the tears as i think of my best friends, all at least a state away.
i thought i'd have a new friend here, but i can't help thinking she was only interested in a romantic relationship, and it seems she's drifted to the background already. of her accord, not mine.
and the only woman i could hug and hold for hours and hours may have to wait months and months to see me again.
i am lost. i seek the mission giver and the mission, because i dont know what else to do.
i send my love to you all, and some of you know you're loved better than others, and those who don't, i apologize.
go in peace. and seek after me if you want to. i could use the companionship.
PAX, brothers and sisters.
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