"where do we go from here?"

In the chaos surrounding him, a child named Archer rose to his feet, as bodies fell around him--pierced by the arrows screaming through the skies.

He reaches for the sword of a fallen warrior, barely able to wield it, he still knows that he must.

The comfort he once knew has been dissillusioned. His sins are made visible in the havoc wreaked by the enemies within himself.

Soldiers rush around maddeningly, unable to discern the orders being shouted.

Archer searches for someone--anyone--who has any idea where to go to help.

A white horse roars to a halt just in front of him. The rider is none other than the King he has known but never truly seen.

"Where do we go from here, Master?!"

"To the front lines, Archer! To the front lines!"

With a grand launch, the King sets off down the hill right into the thick of danger, where death and sadness are the only things visible from this distance.

If the King can go there, with such strength and hope... then what is holding me back? I, too, must charge to the front lines.

It is what is asked--and required--of me!

Love and Peace or Else.
-Archer

just what i was asking for!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

i gave it all to God and asked for him to guide my movements. i was totally ready to give up everything for him and go after him in a way i saw as his will... and the night before the jump, my best friend and brother Alex gives me a call and after saying hello, asks, "hey... are you still looking for a way to get to Africa?"

AFH = Abstinence, Fidelity, Honor.

one of his friends, whom i've met, his mom is starting a grass-roots organization that is bent on serving the poorest of the poor in Africa with education about HIV/AIDS. they are called AFH. It's been in the workings for about a year now, he said. she's been to Africa two or three times, and is looking for passionate people to go with her to Africa one more time.

it is difficult to figure all of this out, as it includes Emily. for the longest time, we felt God calling us to be together (at least for now). as you can guess, it is difficult now to imagine how in the world we're still gonna have each other in this new challenge.

pray for us. before i fell in love with her, she was my best friend. and she still is, and now that this has hit her expectations harder than mine, i feel inadequate to help her. i pray the person with the right words can reach out to you now, my Treasure!

God, you know my heart, you know Em's, you know what we want and what we need and that we want to join the ranks of the "new friars" and be your Church and your example in all the world's worst settings. please keep us from failing you and dismissing our calling. amen.

Today is still likely going to drastically change my future. This is one of the first times in a long time i've actually been obedient enough to give it all up to God and let him direct me. grabbing my attention in the last hours of preparation for one step. now i've got to learn how to take this new step that's been offered.

sticky

i am not entirely broken anymore... or so i feel.
i'm vaguely put back together, and i'm waiting for the moment when i will finally obey the calling i feel on my life.
vaguely put back together, but the glue's still sticky and it slows me down in the days when i should be picking up speed.

but then again if i speed up too fast i might shatter all over again.

i'm going to Africa one way or another. it's a life of God's calling for me. a daily obedience is the only way to go.

Brother Andrew got to be a smuggler. and still is, i think. i wanna do what he did and does. i wanna stand motionless and fearless in the face of men and machines dominated by evil desires. i want them to be awakened to the reality that they don't run the show. i want to give hope to someone just as broken as me, to help glue them back together. another humpty-dumpty.

((i think i've heard it said that humpty dumpty was helped only by the King's MEN and the King's HORSES.... but what about the King, himself?))

maybe i can be the King's hands for someone behind bars, or maybe i'll be the one behind bars. maybe my execution's slated for sunrise, and my brother in the cell across from me... as we hold fast to a look between each others' eyes... maybe my brother gives me strength so my knees won't be feeble as i'm escorted to the blocks. maybe my brother and i share one last prayer, as the golden sun slips bitter-sweet through the slatted window over my head. maybe it's gonna be a relief from the gnawing hunger to breathe one last time that day. maybe in that last prayer, something in God's agenda comes along and boosts my brother out of his cell and he raises a church.

if all i ever do is make eye contact with my brother in the cell across from me and never see him (or anyone else) again, then i have faith that God will take care of the rest.

PAX DOMINI

nineteen

i move on this morning, from the generic age of "eighteen" to the new and interesting age of "nineteen".

i don't feel old.

rather i feel lost. moreso than i ever have.

God, i've been reaching for each and every clue you've given me. i've strapped on my sandals and prepared to jump. i've been moments from screaming "GERONIMOOOOO!" at the top of my lungs and giving all i've got to something i've really believed you were leading me to. only to find again and again that something isn't quite right about my ideas.

the girl i'm in love with... she and i are in a difficult spot with the likelihood that she'll be going off to school in the fall, and i'll just be in Indiana... wallowing purposeless. It really is a beautiful state. the people are beautiful there too. i am kinda excited. but i'm equally drained.

i have my sandals strapped on, God. and all the maps i had laid out, you've burned them all. my tattoo almost feels like something i'll be regretting in years to come. Africa. Saving the World. Being in Love. wonderful things i've always dreamed about and for some reason i am stuck in a new depression.

i don't think anyone sees how hard this is for me. how low i really am.

i think i'll just pick up and go somewhere. see where you lead me.

i've always wanted to be Brother Andrew. to be Elijah. to be any one of the 12 apostles who actually really just "left everything" to follow you, God.

i still do. and now it's all i can do. and all i can do to hold my breath, to stay on, to trudge further in this motion-less state.

i've gained no ground in several months, my Lord God.

i want to please you and that's all that matters. Adonai, my beloved... show me how to do what you want me to do.
and make my next path as obvious and perfect as the yellow brick road.

the straps of my sandals are my home. whenever i am wearing them... i know God has me exactly where he wants me..

i don't know much about my future... i barely know my next step... i pray for incredible courage as i lift my feet to plant them in the straps of my sandals. once they are there and i take the next step, my fears will susbide and i will truly depend on you, my beloved and beautiful Adonai!

I pray that you will never leave me, although i already know that you have never even allowed an inkling of such a thought to occur to you.

I will depend on you and some of my brothers and sisters and your work through them to survive the rest of my life, my God, my King!

I will stand in your presence every moment of my life... i will bow at your feet and thank you and praise you for everyone you send my way.

i will thank you every waking moment for the beautiful and upright woman you have blessed me with as a companion. we will strive on, seeking you every morning.

i love my sandals, God, i love that once i put them on, i will have everything in the world. the clothes on my back and the bread on my table, or the water running between my fingers... God you will provide. whether i sleep under the stars or a roof made of drywall and plumbing, or plaster, or tin sheeting.... God i will ever be under your wings.

When i come home to you, leaving this earth, i will be most thankful, and i will really truly understand the depths of your love...

but i know that from the moment i put my sandals on, i will be with you in ALL that i do... God let your piller of fire-- your shakainah-- be ever present. and be unto everyone i know, everyone i encounter, everyone i love, exactly what you are to me-- my strength, my hope, my courage, and most importantly, your are simply my plan, God.

i love you, Adonai, and i thank you with every fiber of my being and every strand of my soul...

Amen.