Crossroads...

Brothers and sisters, take ear and listen to the cries abroad from your sister's heart.

God, I thought I knew your perfect path for my life: to become a doctor. For these hands of mine are eager to heal, this heart within my chest bears a cry of compassion...for the impoverished, the naked, the hungry, the abandoned, the ailing...

I'm going to bear it all, be what it may-grim and discontent.

Yesterday, I spent the better part of the day in the cancer center at a hospital. My Aunt needed moral support from my sister and I, because she had recently discovered a knot in her breast and feared the worst. The doctors confirmed that there were no signs of Breast Cancer as of yet, but what they unexpectedly found was a coating of cysts covering the outer layer of her womb.

This is not the first time I have heard of this grave affliction. My mother developed cysts after her pregnancy with my sister, and it caused a great deal of complications with her two-and-a-half premature baby. The doctors were concerned about my mother's condition if she had another infant. The outcome could have possibly been death, but that was a risk my mother was willing to take when she planned my conception. With God's Grace, there were only slight complications with my one-month premature birth. My mother, at the time, was twenty-one when she developed these cysts, and my Aunt is fifty-two. The time at which they develop fluctuates, but they are no doubtfully hereditary. My maternal grandmother had them, and my younger sister developed them this previous year. I am wondering: shall I develop them, as well?

I worry about my children: if I want children as I so avidly do, then I must have them at a terribly young age. This is the least of my worries, by far! Another one of my aunts was married and had given birth to her legitimate son by age seventeen, which is my current age.

I am wondering now if it is God's Will for me to become a doctor, for I am not sure if I have the crucial time necessary to do so: a minimum twelve years of medical school. But God...I desire this aspiration greatly!

During my wait in the cancer center, I saw a feeble woman strain to grasp her purse, and by doing so, she moaned in agony, "Oh, my knee!" This sound resonated within the chambers of my heart, and I knew more than ever that I wanted to heal her knee, to heal the sicknesses of every other person lying in heart wrenching agony.

I'm at crossroads in my life, and I don't know which road to travel.

Pray for your sister.

i never knew i could be so tired

i never knew someone in my socio-economical standing could be so worn out by what the world feels.

i never knew that delving into the dealings of Amnesty International and Africa Action could tire me out.

i never knew it could hit me as hard as it has and is.

and in other things, i never knew it could be so hard to forgive myself.

i am tired. i need sleep and some sweet, serene dreamscapes to explore.

i am going to experience the hardest months of my life to date, this year.
and i may see a brother or sister pass from this life in moments of agony and sickness i have never experienced.
and God willing i will not be able to forget it.

there is so much to learn and so much to consider.

i need to write to Zariatu. i need to think of something to draw for her. the most recent drawing from her was an orange. it was colored in, in green crayon. either my sister has a wonderful sense of humor, or this is just a testament to the limited supplies in West Mamprussi. or maybe a friend of hers did not feel like sharing the orange crayon that day. or maybe she, like me, had procrastinated and simply grabbed the nearest crayon in order to finish the drawing just in time to send out the Christmas card to us! these musings make me laugh. my little sister makes me laugh. i hope i will meet her someday.
but first i need to write to her.

i wish i could ship myself to Ghana with the same amount of postage to send a colored-in drawing! haha!
i'm feeling better now.

peace and love to you all, sisters and brothers!

no medicine

i got sick this morning. nine times between 3.30 am and 11.00 am. diarhea, too. i am not trying to gross you out, but i will tell you that aside from 2 excedrin pills to treat a caffeine head-ache (since i couldnt drink any coffee, which i am physically addicted to), i have taken no other medicine. i have been in a lazy fit of agony for a very long time today. and i have even been laying on a comfortable couch in my family room, watching tv shows that i enjoy, covered up in a warm blanket, and able to actually still remain connected to the world.

i am afraid to consume anything but water, in sparse sips. the last few times were gut-wrenching dry-heaves.

were i to get this sick in africa, my brothers and sisters and i would have NO medicine, little to keep us from spreading the sickness, nothing to ease our pain, no climate control, little water if any, and hardly a chance of surviving beyond tomorrow.

if this hurts me so much, an american, middle-class 18-year old... how much more PAIN must there be in the bodies of my brothers and sisters of younger years, living in a neglected continent.

i cannot bear that thought. i must give what i can to them.

Our Father Is a God of Peace!

...simply because He is a God of Love, who has equal and absolute Love for all of His children.

How can you claim that He is a God of War?
Our Father does NOT advocate conflicts between His children; the death of one of His sons or daughters does bring Him neither Joy nor Pleasure.

"For God is not a God of disorder but of Peace" (1 Corinthians 14:33).

What we must realize is that God promised us everlasting Peace! (Ezekiel 34:25-31)
God WANTS Peace!
But, foremost, Peace comes from Forgiveness!

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at Peace with everyone. Do not take Revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s Wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to revenge; I will repay,' (Deut. 32:35) says the Lord. On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' (Prov. 25:21-22) Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:17-21).

Remember, brothers and sisters...

"Blessed are the Peacemakers, for they will be called sons (and daughters) of God" (Matthew 5:9).

"Finally, brothers (and sisters), good-bye. Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in Peace. And the God of Love and Peace will be with you. Greet on another with a holy kiss. All the saints send their greetings. May the Grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all" (2 Corinthians 13: 11-14).

the problem and the source

this is as best as i can figure and came to me slowly, growing in either direction from time to time, while sitting in church today:

-Lack of heart (impossible)
-Lack of loving heart (very truly POSSIBLE)
-Lack of love
-Lack of relationships
-Apathy (?)
-Poverty & Sickness (inseperable)
-Desparity
-Division
-Judgment
-Prejudice
-Racism (or any generalized feeling of Superiority)
-Anger
-Hatred
-The First Blow
-The Reactive Blow
...
...
...
-The 1,000,000,000th Reactive Blow (more commonly referred to as Open War)


++is it too narrow-minded to say that everything goes back to Love???++

thoughts, anyone?

my heart is in his and hers.

i have discovered that there is this emotional and passionate awareness of an undeniable truth!
i find in myself, in my own heart, that it shall never be completely full because God put a little piece of my heart in every heart on this planet. every heart now beating and every heart still formless in the womb of a sister of mine!

there is such an overpowering beauty in this epiphany.
a part of my heart exists in every heart, as does a piece of all of ours, i believe.

it is quite likely that we are one giant, collective heart. that we exist partially to ease the pain in our hearts. we are unable to do so, i believe, without first attempting to aid the pieces of our heart in all others.

that is why, as my shirt reads today, "i will go".

my shirt says it in a sweet orange font on a jungle green background. the words are just below a simple image of two large mountains, as one would see them barely on the horizon! it is an invitation to know what lies beyond those mountains, beyond our barriers, beyond our western world!

all this is who i am. this calling to go beyond and to help the third world overcome the restrictions set upon it by the western world and the first world. this love for ALL my brothers and sisters and this special, unique desire to reach and serve my brothers and sisters in Africa. this aching for that land where the streets have no name.
this is me. who i am.

no question about it.
this is what drives me, while my brothers and sisters, my lover, my God, they all inspire me and give me a crazed sort of boldness.

this is why i do what i do.

love and peace or else, brothers and sisters!

Love: it's not the medicine, it's the cure.

About three months and so many days ago, Love seemed so impersonal to me, and I was ready and willing to abandon all ideas of Love that I had previously had. I became afraid of it, and yet I wanted to love and be loved so direly, so madly, that I procured myself to be a miserable-mess.

God knows the perfect remedy for a lonesome heart, and that is...true, unadulterated, unconditioned Love.

And then, God decided to turn my world up side down, as He has a tendency to do, when I had least expected it. He granted me a gift of unmagnified properties-a gift so beautifully bestowed upon my heart-that I fell in Love and engulfed the loveliness of it to such extremes, whereas I was drowning in it.

Realize, dear readers, that Love is absolute, infinite. Know that intimate, congenial Love is much more beautiful than that of the corporal. And do not fear it. Do not be afraid of being loved—of having someone who knows you wholly as the flawed person that you are and loves you regardless.

Remember, Love: it's not the medicine, it’s the cure...and we're all sick at heart.

tag along to my previous post

NO ESCAPE
by peter davison

No, not yet, move nothing until
you have filled yourself with
intention, or

your act will freeze, immutable, and
your thought will have aborted
into misshapen stumbling.

We stammer in the effort to speak, lurch
out of a passion to walk, slump
in lieu of sitting;yet,

Within, awareness may reach toward
an attainable state in which
we seek to direct our selves

as a rider guides the most accomplished of
horses, crupper gathering, hooves
pattering, neck yearning toward

heaven, the supple trunk
conveying itself over the earth without
anticipation or effort.

This is the ascent into the self,
encountering possibility just as it
flowers into the actual.

We attain fulfilment only if we carry
the breath of the world
without surrender
or escape.

from an actor's perspective....

So I'm an acting major at Wright state, you know this, correct? The goal of this program is to teach us how to live truthfully in imaginary circumstances. I find this interesting. how does one live truthfully in imaginary circumstances? How does one live truthfully in realistic circumstances? Many people say that theatre is just playing around. you put on a mask and say a few lines on stage. maybe dance and sing a bit to. but its more than that. so much preparation goes into creating a character. The idea is to make you believe that i am really someone else. People do this everyday. they put on masks to hide their true faces, their inner thoughts, personalities, all because of what society has told us what we need to be in order to be happy. I myself have held up walls and masks to people to try and fit in, or be popular or get what i want.
but there is a difference from pretending it on stage and in real life. we can never open up if we have to keep pretending. on stage it is a mask, put on to entertain you and, if the mask is good, make you think. but real life it is to avoid conflict, stay in stasis, never break free and change. i think its about time that we put down our masks. put down the walls and the fake identities and start living truthfully to the realistic circumstances that we must confront daily. Make a fresh start by not playing pretend in real life. because when the curtain goes down on this act...you won't come back out to take a bow. how do you want to be remembered? As a person behind a mask? or a character true to self?

Change is drawing near, my friends.

We’re each beginning a new journey to influence the world and evoke some type of necessary change in one way or another. Whether our hearts lie in Africa, Asia, the United States, or ending poverty and apathy, protecting peace, or stopping any injustice in the world-we all passionately plan to MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Once provoked, it will not be stopped.

This change is not confined to merely the four of us. Friends, we NEED you. Without you, everything we will be striving for shall be in vain. Maybe you’re unwilling to fight with us because of fear, and if so, that is perfectly understandable. If I told you that I was not afraid, then I would be lying.

Just remember: “There is no fear in love.” And love is an essential element for our revolution.

So, brothers and sisters, will you help us?

A New Semester

Okay guys, this semester looks great!
I have an advanced communications course, and a sociology course that is hopefuly going to give me some further perspective on how to approach our goals.
I'll give further insight when it actually occurs to me, but for now, I'm very excited to have a challenging semester.

interesting

so this is a new experince for me. putting my thoughts about the world on a page for all to see. i could do it on facebook or myspace...but those never seem to be the proper places to disscuss such heavy topics. people justtend to think i'm ranting about...something or other. but here, on this page, is a place for ideas to flow freely, unhindered by social quirks and such. and i like that. i'm not sure if i have anything profound or inspiering to say at this moment...so i won't. no point in rambling about something. like now........but i will say this;

i hope and pray this works.

Something Long Overdue

I was born and raised a muslim-american. I know, the words today sound like an oxymoron when spoken together. So imagine living as an oxymoron for the last six years!

People have been trained to see something as beautiful as a quranic verse, as a symbol of terrorism. We have been taught that anyone with a shade of skin lighter than black, but darker than white can't be trusted. And that if a woman wears hijab she should be watched carefully for signs of explosives!

"The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth."
- Edith Sitwell

We don't want to be that public. One so blind to the truth that we unknowingly destroy the world around us. One so oblivious that the ashes of a decaying world die out as we have our fourth $8 cup of coffee for the day.

All I ask is this: make yourselves aware of the things that are really out there, because you're being made a fool of if you believe everything just because the national news stations reported it.

And most of all, if you see something you can do for someone else in the world, then do it. Because later, you will regret with all your heart a missed opportunity to make a difference.

ignorance and anger

IGNORANCE AND ANGER
i was just watching this show on the Discovery Times channel called "Off to War". i will not go into detail about the people that it followed, because it would seem to allow this to simply fit some stereotypes that i do not wish to prolong. the point is, it is about several soldiers and their families and how each side is coping with the war in Iraq.

many of the wives and mothers sat gathered in a classroom, a simple support group for the families at the military base. the woman who led the group stood up and said "my husband sent me the truth about Muslims. they like candy! apparently they've got a sweet tooth." and everyone else laughed as she explained that her husband had requested that someone send them "Fireball" candy.

i was disgusted. i still am. i cannot believe they could say that.

and to add to it one of the soldiers sent a video back home and told his family about his "haji smokes". cigarettes he bought in Iraq, explaining that "a haji is someone who has gone on pilgrimmage to Mecca, but here we just kinda use it as a racial thing."

more disgust.

FORGIVE TO SHAKE THINGS UP
it is in moments of seeing and sensing this prejudice in other people that i wonder how i can truly love them and forgive them.
but i figure if you forgive someone who does not deserve it (i.e. all of us) then it kinda throws them off and allows them to re-evaluate.

perhaps this is why i am ashamed to be raised by the west. but i do not believe i was raised by parents who adhere very strictly to the life of a westerner. they care and they go. and when my younger sister (now in th grade) goes off to college and survives her freshman year, they're talking about going once more, for good. they may join World Vision in Africa or abroad, until their retirement or even death. perhaps that is why i am well aware that i do not totally belong.

MANDATE FOR THE MASSES
i am going to make it mandatory for anyone and everyone present at my goodbye/birthday party to bring me a single dollar. no less, and only more if they wish to. all that money will be pooled into one check that i will send to Blood:Water Mission. i don't really want much before i go to Nigeria.

Jason and Emilee are in Monterey right now beginning their training. the course of events that will forever change me have been set firmly into action.

I can roll with that.

love and peace or else, brothers and sisters.
Salaams.

surrounded and ensconced.

last night at work, 4 nurses came in to buy cat food. they were still dressed in their scrubs. i wanted to ask them all if they had any advice for me, a prospective nurse. i do not think i spoke to any one of them.

then it hit me: i could believe in signs. i asked God to show me three MORE nurses if he wanted that to one day be me.
i saw one more that night. she came through the aisle twice, but i don't think that counts.

tonight at work, there was another nurse.

and, to add to things i'm suddenly surrounded and ensconced by: my friend Blessing, at work, is Nigerian. her uncle is going back this summer probably around the same time i will be travelling.

today was the first time a couple people at work had heard of my plans to go to Africa. Steve, Jess, and Natasha were all real surprised. Jess said she was proud, Natasha was jealous, and Steve was flat-out surprised when i told him i will be there in June or July. I have been running into way too many people who have connections to Nigeria. actually, Shawn's (Shawn works with me, too) aunt went there on a missions trip for while, a couple years ago.
i do not want to take this as a sign, but i am also afraid to ignore the possibility of (yet another) divine intervention!

On a side-note i had a couple epiphanies today (both while at work)!

1- i am far more comfortable talking to black girls than i am talking to white girls. Natasha, Alex(andra), Sierra, Jess, Lakeitha, Blessing, Ashley, Chantelle, as well as one other girl (who's name i haven't learned yet) who cashiers are all black. Melanie is white and i feel far more easily judged by her. aside from Tara, i do not regularly talk to most of the white girls at work. i can relax a lot more in the presence of all my black friends, there. i do not yet understand entirely why, but quite frankly, they are ALL my sisters... just for some reason my black sisters at work seem to get me better. understand me better. and besides, i can be a total fool around them. either way, i've got some work to do in my own view if i am intimidated by white folks. loving everyone normally means giving them ALL equal respect and time.
yeah, a lot to learn...

2- my second epiphany is simple to explain, yet quite profound: a new generation of socially aware teenagers and twenty-somethings are being raised and finally blooming. there is within this generation, i believe, a very strong influence from our parents who (in many cases) were well aware of Apartheid and were VEHEMENTLY against it. there may be more to come along these lines... actually i hope there will be. the point is: we who care so much for the world as a whole now, likely were influenced by adults who knew of, or even witnessed, such crimes, atrocities, and humanitarian smearings as Apartheid.
can you tell i don't like Apartheid. (maybe that's why i get uneasy around white people...haha!)

love and peace or else, brothers and sisters of all nations.
-Archer

3 or 6 months?

i don't know how long the internship is going to be with Back2Back Ministries... i've still got like a month until i can contact Jason and Emilee about the details. as of tomorrow they go down to Monterey to get a month's worht of leadership and team training. they've been to Jos, Nigeria three times before.

i wonder what else to do in Nigeria (Jos, especially), since i know that Blood:Water Mission and SIM (Serving In Missions) are working within that country. i NEED to find some organization that i can work with in order to establish contacts with hospitals that i may be able to work with. otherwise my visa may expire too quickly. and i am finding now how truly difficult it will be for me to cr0s5 b0rd3r5. i will NEED a green card at some point in the next five years, easily, i'm pretty sure.

it all feels like such a long time from now. however, my friends on the crew, my allies, my brothers and sisters, my counselors and counselees (this is NOT a one man operation), they all are such a help in learning to deal with everything!

I wish i could become Justin Quayle (from The Constant Gardener), take on a fak3 nam3 and travel more fr33ly across the continent in an attempt to get under the skin of the c0rp0rat10n5. there must be some way to work th3 5y5t3m and un3arth important details. i do believe earnestly in 3ND1NG* the western neo-colonization of Africa. i believe that the drugs for diseases such as HIV/AIDS are too 3xp3n51ve for Africans. somewhere in the 5y5t3m there must be c0rrupt10n. i intend to root it out, while at the same time seeking to better the lives of individuals. it will likely be the work of my entire life merely to save the life of one of my brothers or sisters. one way or another.

dang, my posts stray too far off topic too quickly.

i am extremely annoyed at the c0rp0rat10ns for jipping the Africans in DIRE NEED of the drugs... why must everything be so intimate with the d0llar b1ll.
As Evon constantly points out: "It is impossible to attach a d0llar sign to someone's life!"

love and peace or else.

living for the freedom of the Promised Land.
-archer.

*somehow i'd forgotten that word earlier today when i wrote this! sorry for the confusion!

Believe in Yourself

We've all had someone tell us at one point or another that what we're trying to do is a bit mad. But I refuse to believe that genuine love and compassion for our fellow human beings could ever be considered madness. We only strive to do what we can with the talents and voices that God gave us.
Asher Littlefield has inspired a team of brothers and sisters to go forward and do something real in the struggle against suffering and towards peace. His story will hopefully inspire more than ourselves, and start a new movement on the path to a brighter future.

Dr. King

in Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s last words to the people he served and served with, we find a calling for a better world:

"Like anybody, I'd like to live a long life. But longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now, I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over, and I've SEEN the promised land! I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we as a people, will GET to the promised land. And I'm happy tonight, I'm not worried about ANYTHING. I'm not fearing ANY MAN. 'Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.'"

This is where i am now. on the verge of leaping into a sea of living breath, my brothers and sisters in Africa.

i am terrified. i am clueless. i am unaware of the reality i will face.
i am willing, ready, and going.

love and peace or else!

i am going into this Heavy World in order to lift it from the darkness, if i can.
"i'm gonna kick the darkness till it bleeds daylight!"