nothing really all that sentimental... but kind of...

It's been over a week since i last wrote here, and for no apparent reason i am going to blog again, even though there's not much i can really think of passing on through here.

i am slowly strengthening my faith, and reading (very slowly and intermittently) the books of Job, Hosea, Isaiah, Proverbs, and i'm trying to start the book of Hebrews very soon.


Emily came over two days ago and our first "date" consisted of a long walk in the metroparks, stopping to rest on a log. we laid down, head to head, along the length of the fallen tree. i think i was stupid to lay down as i did, my head touching hers, as all the blood rushed to my head. she was the smart one who laid down so her head would be the upper-most part of her body! :) for me, it was the lower-most part of my body. i almost fainted when i tried to stand up!

the view from atop the log was beautiful... the sun was high and those little white fuzzies drifted through the trees like little angels, all moving in one direction with a wind i could not even detect. but still they sojourned steadily. except for that one really low-flying one that somehow caught my in the mouth. you know how that feels like you just bit the top of a dying dandelion. lots of spitting and flailing on my part after that :)

as we drove back home (just as we did on the way out to the park) we blasted some awesome music from a worship mix i'd made for her! it was stellar! some Superchic[k], some Aaron Shust, some Jimmy Needham, some Lost and Found... we've decided to go to an Acquire The Fire event together ASAP!!! which means that if i get to go to YWAM in Tanzania in September, my next shot at a nearby ATF is the late february tour date in Grand Rapids, MI! oh well. it'll be worth the wait!

there's something about the worship at ATF that's almost impossible to recreate anywhere else.... there's a nostalgic quality to it. maybe just because ATF and Global Expeditions are so responsible for who i am now... it rocks!

we came back to my house in time for dinner consisting of Papa Johns pizza and a scary movie haha!

one more thing and then i'll shut up for a while:
on Sunday night i met her parents more formally and went thru about the most rigorous "do you get to court my daughter?" session i'd ever been through (i actually enjoyed it!) i got caught up when they asked me about Covenant theology since it's pretty much what i've been raised in, so i don't really know too much of what's different, but yeah! the coolest thing was that her father asked me if there was any piece of scripture that really spoke to me recently.

and i actually had just stumbled into one the weekend before:
"Jesus sat down near the collection box in the Temple and watched as the crowds dropped in their money. Many rich people put in large amounts. Then a poor widow came and dropped in two small coins.
Jesus called his disciples to him and said, 'I tell you the truth, this poor widow has given more than all the others who are making contributions. For they gave a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she had to live on.'" -Mark 13.41-44

i'm drawn to it so much because it represents my struggle in this life. i have very little to give, especially financially, but i am willing to give all i've got to live on. God will provide.
(her dad was impressed ;p )
i think i passed the inspection!

"Right Here!"

listening to Out Of Eden's song "Soldiers" right now in a hotel in Indiana on vacation...

Emily's myspace page has a list of some of the sweetest frickin songs.... the problem is how frequently she changes them! :)
So, listening to their sweet, strong voices as they call on a new generation to rise up...

"all my people in the place
lookin good with style an' grace
but here's my question-listen clear-
where my soldiers at? right here!"

I guess i best be on my way... start risin up and callin out... makin sure i'm ready for a fight!

I'm coming into a very strong relationship with Adonai, and Emily is largely the one i must thank.
my dad's even noticed how much stronger my relationship with Jesus is.
i've even noticed that grace has taken a far greater hold on nearly every aspect of my life! i am so thankful for where i am at right now!



this grace that spreads over a wretch like me and calls me by my name in Christ. I do not know what my name is, as God calls me, but i am sure that it is beautiful. I am sure it is spoken with lovely tones every moment i breathe, as he watches over me. my Adonai. my Adonai. my precious Adonai.

"i will press on, for the sake of your beautiful name..." -ZOEGirl, 'Beautiful Name'

i am one content wretch right now :)

God's peace be with you all today and always!

Julian of Norwich

Julian of Norwich once said, "Sin is necessary, but all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well."

I just remembered this old quote by a very respectable character in history. her name was Julain of Norwich, and i guess she was considered a mystic of sorts.

I don't really know anything much about her, save from her gender and that she was around centuries ago. and that a lot of people like to quote her.

come to think of it, i'm not even entirely sure where i first read this phrase... but i know i wrestled with clearly defining it for a long time. and (wouldn't ya figure) it hits me at the one moment i am actually examining myself, and not even thinking of the quote or anything (or anyone) else.

my mother really prodded me once i printed this off and scotch-taped it to the front of my bedroom door. i couldn't really answer the "why", i just knew there was truth to it.

i just realized that it's meaning is quite obvious:

without sin, we undoubtedly equate ourselves to God. to be equittable with the God responsible for all things in the known and unknown world entirely devalues God. if we did not sin, why would we need God?
It is only in God that i believe we realize who we really are, and that there is only God's way to go. "my way or the highway" pretty much.

i know from experience, the highway gets real old real fast. i think it's high time i realign.

pax.

the only really tough teaching of Jesus...

is obedience. we all have our own ideas of the better way to run things.

and mine is a very liberal method of reform in respects such as fighting terrorism and homelessness.

to fight homelessness, every level of every government must get involved at the core, and earnestly strive to make things better for each individual. otherwise, simply kicking them out of the parks is not gonna cut it. which is obvious in this situation, i hope.

however, it is this phony "war on terror" that really baffles me. i know i sound like i'm just ranting, but this really makes no sense to me. they shoot at innocent civilians and bomb innocent civilians. they're no worse than anoyone else with a gun.

very few terrorists we hear about come from palaces. if any. period.

it is our responsibility as the "Developed World" to assist the "Developing World" otherwise everything collapses one way or another.

It is up to groups and individuals to see the real problem of global poverty here.
because obviously governments in the west are simply NOT understanding the truth. we must make them understand via advocacy, delegation, and simply making a lot of noise!

the problem of terrorism is not in who-has-what-gun...
it's in who-has-no-food.

you wanna fight terrorism, mr. pres... try feeding people who ask for bread.
i dont wanna judge you because i know i'm a lot worse, but i just hope that, as someone in a position of power, you'll remember one very important tough teaching of Jesus:

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" -Matthew 7:9-11

after October 5, 2006 i got sick of yelling at you, mr. pres, because i realized i was just as bad as you. all i did was yell. now i wanna simply advise.

in a couple years i'm gonna be living in another country. maybe i'll even take on a new citizenship. but i'll at least be TRYING to do what you are CHOOSING NOT to do!

you an' me ain't that different, you know. i just see the truth as something i can't hide from. you see t as something to ignore.

i pray your successor's someone actually willing to be used by God.

maybe i'll find it easier to obey them if i see God in their actions.



if i can't forgive you, then i can't forgive myself... just give me time

the half door and the whole new promise!

My new dear friend and comrade named Emily was the half door. The most desperately confusing of my dilemmas was how to hang onto a good friendship with her, in spite of a growing attraction to her that I sensed in myself.

Yesterday, I told her flat out what the issues were within myself. We both feel really good about not trying a romantic relationship or anything of the sort. Friends-with-benefits is also out of the question! We are in fact quite content with simply being there for each other. I need her and I think she needs me.

Today she gave me a book, hiked with me, and let me break through her mask.

DC Talk wrote a book in 2001 called “Live Like a Jesus Freak”, as a companion to their previous book(s) about Jesus Freaks around the world. We’ve been talking a lot in recent days about what it will mean to really live for/like Jesus in our future- and present-tense selfs.

We have talked about Africa, college (and the idea of the lack-thereof), the reality of death and martyrdom for something real, the excitement of having no plans, the possibility of disappearance in order to actually accomplish things, the socio-economic (as well as the natural) stance of Phoenix, Arizona… and just about everything you never hear normal college kids talk about.

We talked about being real and intense and we both agree that we’ve finally met someone as crazy as ourselves! ☺ For we are quite few and far between.

We talked about the Native American reservations, Thailand, Mexico, Tanzania, China, Panama, and Uganda. We talked about how gross suburbs and developments are, and how all they ever do is give birth to themselves (the kind of stable environment that will die out when a new visitor or intruder is introduced). We talked about hating life here in its fakeness and apathy.

We even each tried a taste of some random plant I thought was a mint leaf until I put it in my mouth and thought it might be poison ivy, but thankfully she (being a wannabe Native American!) confirmed for me it is not!

Finally I am breaking out of this place and I am remembering who I exist for, and who I want to exist with. If I live my whole life in steady communication with people like Emily, I have a vague feeling that I should be doing just fine.

This really long blog is an attempt to give Em a shout-out and state that I have re-entered God’s arms for the millionth time in the past year, and maybe with the help of this book she’s given me, I’ll never be truly homesick again.

Thanks, Em.


Peace of Adonai be with you all.

word of the day: "ouch"

so yeah... church today kinda blew me away.

i've known for ages about God or Jesus speaking right to people, in some way or another. whether borrowing others' voices or not. always just thought it was a metaphore.

today, i think Jesus used my dad to directly attack all my misconceptions. dad talked about a poster that used to hang in his old psychology classroom in college. it read "the truth will set you free, but it will run you through the ringer first."

i want freedom. living in a figurative captivity is probably far worse than being behind bars in any way. i'd rather be able to see that which i am tearing through. because right now i cannot see the chains binding me to Self and Sin.

so, i want freedom. i want truth. i want truth to be known.

for starters, i'm addicted to lust and to anger. violence runs in my veins deeper than any other substance i know. i feel frighteningly natural with my airsoft gun in my hand. i feed the evil in me. i am a horrible person-- a bad person. i have no hope, save for in God's grace. i'm not beating lust, though i'd like to think i am. i fall a couple times a week to serious lust and i feel disgusted for the rest of the day. every waking moment i avoid checking girls out, because i know it won't frickin help me. i won't beat it on my own. i really need to find an accountability partner.

also, my selfishness and laziness will cripple me. but maybe they already have. i pre-judge the rich whites, and have to bite my tongue around certain people who fit that description. i hate the haters and fall prey to my own anger. i call everyone my brothers and my sisters and feel guilty seven-fold because i think i've abandoned Micah and Rachelle, the brother and sister of my won blood.

I say i want to save the world, but i love starbucks and i've given into shopping at wal-mart.... actually that was my airsoft gun's former residence.

i am bad, and maybe evil sometimes. i see and ignore. i have no patience when people are ignored by others. but when it's me it get's justified out the wazzoo! i suck at double standards.

i have developed an anger toward my old conservative christian background, and i know there's probably a girl reading this who thought she'd find more common ground with me insofaras a conservative outlook. i think i'm so afraid to lose her new friendship because she is such a strong reminder to me of God's reality. i see in her this reckless faith and urgency in saving peoples' hearts and lives. i admire her more than she knows. and so much of me is probably pushing her away. i pray not.

but if it does push her, then i guess i'll really be going thru the ringer.

i hate the very corporations that feed me and provide for me every day. i'm too lazy to care and to treat this world and the people in it with any real respect.

and now i've got to clean my room before work, since it is the first step in showing my family any respect today.

i bid you all peace and love. if i have called down any wrath or cold shoulders, then please forgive if you can. but let me know where i stray. i know i have several silent readers. if you are out there, and you can correct me in any way... guide me on... please do.

peace of christ be with you all.

my dad, spiderman, don cheadle, derek webb, evon christian, krissi bernd, the fraser women, punjabican, Jesus...

all my mentors (yes, spiderman currently counts as a temporary mentor :) ) are urging me to do what is right, to fight the good fight and above all-- to do it non-violently.

i am listening to them. i am completely understanding them.

i am relating to them:

"you know the tree by the fruit
just between me and you
i never do what i want
i do what i'm taught
and i've been learning a lot
about the violence i'm capable of"
-Derek Webb, "I Don't Want to Fight"

"Lately things have been going my way. But I have this bad feeling. This darkness I've discovered has a power far greater than anything I could have imagined. It's... intoxicating."
-Spiderman, "Spiderman 3" trailer

and i thought i was learning from them. but somehow i keep seeing violence as some actual frickin plausible mode of change.

"if you beat them at their own game, then you've already lost."
-Evon Christian

i have this concept of doing a lot of good in Africa in a short period of time, and a feeling that i'm gonna die young, lookin down the barrel of a gun i'll think i'd buried long before.

"even if you think there's all this glory in dying for a cause, think about what you'll do to everyone else."
-Stacey Littlefield, my father, my accountability, and my only superhero

i've been wrestling with the possibility of taking up arms in a defensive militia in Africa, with a group of comrades hell-bent of defending the innocent by becoming guilty in their stead. that's what sucks.

"every hero has a dark side." (Asher's translation: "every [human] has a dark side.")
-Spiderman 3 game advert.

i've become aware of my own violence and dangerous capabilities again.

i'm in agreement with no one, especially not God. especially not myself.

so maybe i will die early. maybe i'll be gone in 10 years like my premonition. maybe i'll never get married, maybe i'll live life on the run, but i pray i never have to f*****g take the life of one of my brothers! it is not my right. i am not a killer.

"so i'm walking away from this
before i hurt someone
'cause i'm facing enemies
on both sides of the gun"

and whether you believe he is who he said he was, you've gotta understand the gist of what he said, at least in this one case:

"...let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!"
-Jesus, John 8.7

pax, brothers and sisters.

and for Pete's sake help me out here! besides,
"it takes a village to raise a child".... no idea who said it, but it's true!

"Crippling"

i just spent the past hour and a half working out the kinks in the lyrics of a song i wrote. and now i think i'm done with the first draft.

inspired by the rawness of Derek Webb's newest album. in case you never knew my hardest battle, it's in words finally.
i can really relate to some of Derek's songs... especially the one called "I Don't Want to Fight"

but here's mine...



V1:
I'm not a good Christian
I'm not a good person
Ain't no good about me
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying

Chorus:
19 years down and I haven't frickin' grown
Haven't stayed on top
More than a minute
But i can't stop trying
Or i won't stop sliding

V2:
I'm not really worth it
I'm not going for it
Ain't no success for me
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying

.Chorus.

V3:
I'm not the one to judge you
I'm sure as Hell gonna stop you
Ain't no point in lying
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying

.Chorus.

Bridge:
I'm just crippling
The Body of Christ
Learning to shoot
Just to stop the shooter
I know that I'm wrong
But i want the lesser of two evils.

V4:
So close your eyes, darling
I don't want you to see this
ain't no hope for me
But you got freedom
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying
When my words dry up
And i'm killing just to stop the dying



please comment if you read this. i hope you can tell i need feedback.