UND3RGR0UND

I have been reading Brother Andrew's story, called 'God's Smuggler'.

he writes of the years he spent serving the Undergound Church behind the Iron Curtain.

he writes of the journeys he has made in times of extreme danger, surviving merely on extreme faith.

he writes of bringing Bibles to pastors in Russia who did not even have their own.

he writes of Bibles in such an important way that brings the Holy Bible such a new meaning to me.

i can no longer take my Bible for granted, knowing how rare it could be to find even one in countries where it is forbidden.

i am very very thankful for my Bible.

i have also realized that wherever there is something fake (like a state-sponsored church), then there is always a genuine underground (like the underground church).
i choose the underground, because i want what is real.
i choose the underground, because if i am arrested, it will be for something important.

Peace and Unrest be with you all, my brothers and sisters.

-Archer

You!

YOU... you walked into my life, an obnoxious little punk, and you broke my heart!

you wrecked my life and turned everything upside down!

you made me insanely uncomfortable with my lifestyle!

you wrecked all my perceptions of everyone and the world i thought i knew!

you made me care when all i wanted to care about was ME!

you made me look into peoples' eyes and not just at them!

you screwed up my life's plan!

you blew up every chance i ever had with her!

you threw a kink in everything i ever thought made sense!

you butchered my pride!

you botched my self-esteem, and all i had going for me!

you suck!

but i guess i still love you for it, Jesus, cuz i'm finally living.

veritas.

i am turning to the arms of a woman whom i have always trusted in my pursuit of veritas. my deepest feelings and thoughts will be in a journal to her, so perhaps it may be a spell until my next entry here.

just pray for me. my pursuits of truth and love and faith--with works--and beauty... they have thus far failed. the Bible is barely exciting at this point. sadly. i need to read the gospels and that will undoubtedly help me. i just need to meet with Jesus again, and lay down arms (rather than take them up) alongside my Lord. in his companionship i will find my wholeness and a holiness untaintable.

pray for me, sisters and brothers.
pray for Em and I,
pray for Em,
pray for YWAM.

amen.

unpacking... and why i wish i were still in cleveland.

confusing cell phone service.
no wifi (except for something i'm filtering into my room from somewheres...)
no land-line.
no new friends.
no old friends.
no forever friends.

i know i sound really emo right now... but i don't really know exactly what i should be thinking like. it's pretty sucky right now, i can't lie.

i love sleeping on the floor, and i got to do that last night, so i totally wont complain about having no furniture yesterday and this morning.

i love exploring. i wouldnt mind the driving around, except that right now it just feels so frickin hollow.

the people i saw in my last days in cleveland are probably some of the only people i'll still be in touch with from here on out. it kinda sucks. there are a couple people i know i didnt see too recently, who i know i won't be forgetting or leaving behind.

i'm in Lafayette, Indiana now... living in a small development about ten years old or so. everything here is a development. and there was this one church building i saw this morning that seemed so far removed from the rest of the world, aside from its own little development which was attached.... and of course, impossible to navigate.

it was when i spent about 15 minutes looking at the map of the city on my sheet-less bed, surrounded by boxes i cant remember the exact contents of, looking at 4 walls that are way too girly looking, feeling a forlorn and yearning breeze blow in my one window, facing the rain-trough span of land next to our new "home", realizing i'll be gone as soon as i'm here, with nearly no friends to speak of... miles and miles away from my closest friends...... that's when it hit me.

i guess for now i keep fighting the tears as i think of my best friends, all at least a state away.

i thought i'd have a new friend here, but i can't help thinking she was only interested in a romantic relationship, and it seems she's drifted to the background already. of her accord, not mine.

and the only woman i could hug and hold for hours and hours may have to wait months and months to see me again.

i am lost. i seek the mission giver and the mission, because i dont know what else to do.

i send my love to you all, and some of you know you're loved better than others, and those who don't, i apologize.

go in peace. and seek after me if you want to. i could use the companionship.
PAX, brothers and sisters.

ooo... look, i found a pretty picture...

...and it kinda fits with the last post i just made! lol.... my friend Brian took this picture of me, as he framed the shot for a self-portrait of himself, for which i merely clicked the shutter button. this is his vision entirely. and i love it. i'm jealous i didn't think of it first, actually!

yeah, this was back in like january or february, when i had really long hair. so i look even cooler in this photo!

i just really like it! so again, credits entirely to my friend Brian, but i think it's a good photo to tack onto my past couple blogs about my vision of the "proper suburbian life".

white dinner dishes... and the joyous unknown

Last week, i spent time with Emily and her family (her parents, her sister, and her brother-in-law-to-be).

The conversation over a wonderful dinner of salad, egg-salad, corn on the cob (freshly shucked about the time i arrived at her house) and chicken--for them-- dwelt often upon the plans for the wedding and the banquet afterwords between Emily's sister Lauren and Nathan, an awesome guy i wish i could get to know better. At one point, as i zoned in and out of the conversation, since Em and i were enjoying a side-bar of silly remarks between the two of us, i found that the discussion had turned to the dinner dishes and the set of tableware to accompany. her mother and her sister decided that it was wise to stick with plain white or off-white plates, because they could go with any kind of food very easily and wouldn't be an eye-sore.

that is very true... a hot pink saucer doesn't exactly jive with chocolate pudding without looking vaguely bloody, i would imagine.

i became introverted at that point again since i often do when i realize my input would be a waste of breath seeing as how my expertise is not in the arts of interior design.

in case any of my readers haven't caught on yet, i am one of a small pool of largely unpopular critics when it comes to hating suburban life. as joyful as i am for the couple i'd only just met that night, i can't help but thinking that in the lifestyle i see myself called to, there is little need for an understanding of which color of plate will suit which delicious dinner combo.

my lifestyle choice: living poor among the poor, loving incarnationally as Jesus did, serving the marginalized in every society.

as this thought wanders into my brain yet again, this solemn Sunday evening, i wonder at the depth of my realization.

just as Em and i have both come (again) to this understanding that for now we are very likely meant to be single and devoted first and foremost to God, i have come to realize that i could never provide for a wife. as it is now, i can barely sustain myself and with all the costs i am finding in my journey to Africa, i think i will be nearly completely broke upon my return.

i have developed a great admiration of Brother Andrew, who brought strength to so many members of the underground church--and likely still does. in reading his autobiographical book entitled "God's Smuggler" (and known to a newer generation as "The Narrow Road"), i have often wished to have been serving alongside him in the most dangerous places beyond the Iron Curtain.

he eventually married, though he worked in a lonely state for so long that he feared he would remain single his whole life.

i pray for a wife (got someone in mind). but, most importantly, i pray for God's best. and i pray for peace and strength to endure it if he grants me himself as my only Love.

i want to be either like Elijah the prophet, or Brother Andrew the Bible smuggler and preacher. i have faith that God will give me what i need for the journey. whether that is simply partners and comrades or, most fondly, a wife... is up to him.

God of grace and God of glory... i trust you and i pray for your will.

.serviceman.

a brother of mine, named Lawrence, (though I call him Buzz) is at boot camp right now.

Lawrence is a serviceman in the United States Navy.

i once wanted to join the navy. it was my obsession through all of eighth grade. even freshman year in high school. eventually my stance on war and violence took so drastic a change that i hate this country's government and military.

but i still have incredible respect for my friend, Lawrence.

Lawrence, during the first eleven years of our friendship, was always the bane of my existence on tuesday and then the best friend i could ever have on wednesday. maybe thursday. but still, you get the point. he was one of those friends you knew you wanted to be mad at, but couldn't manage to stay mad at for more than a day or so. though being around him could be such a pain on some days, i'd always know i was missing out if i forewent a chance to hang out.

He's gotten me used to a lot of things in life. given me the rougher treatment in some respects. been the first to ridicule some of my decisions, and then sometimes the first to defend half of them. he's a realist and since he left for boot camp several weeks ago life hasn't quite been the same.

i miss him insanely. he probably won't get a chance to read this until he graduates in August. but still. these words need to be said now.
and though i claim no allegiance to the U.S. government or military, i do pledge allegiance to a friend who has been at odds with me sometimes, completely stubborn at others, and pretty frickin a necessity all the time.

Lawrence is a tougher kid than you'd expect when you first meet him. I hear the brother's completely beasting everything that comes his way out there. I'm jealous of his stamina. cuz i'd have quit on the first day. or maybe i never even would have taken his leap of faith.

Lawrence is my friend, my brother, and i'm beginning to find that in spite of all the crap i've put him through as we've grown up, especially about joining the navy, since i never knew for sure that he could make it... he's very quickly becoming a hero of mine.

i don't want to over-glamorize his image too much, but i would be surprised if i'm the only one who calls him a hero.

here's to you, brother, to our friendship, and to your journey that i know i could never even attempt!



God be with you.
PAX

singleness.

it's like the road that looks lonely, long, straight and narrow. the one i would never choose.

except that i've walked down the other road too many times before, and never felt absolutely at peace about it. this other one is beautiful, adorned with roses, lush pines and conifers of all shapes and sizes, the fragrance is intoxicatingly sweet and unforgettable.

but God doesn't seem to want me there.

Ireland is beautiful so far as i can tell in all the films and photographs. the roaring sea breeze tearing up the rock faces along the north sea. the grass as far as the eye can see. green, rolling hills, serenity at its epoch. I've wanted to live there ever since i first knew its name.

but God doesn't seem to want me there.

instead, God is calling me to begin my journey in his mission by chasing him all the way to Africa. to the shanty-towns. to the jungles, to the vast plains. to the church, both underground and on the hilltops.

in this way, from where i humbly sit now, both simpleness in Africa and singleness on this narrow road are my callings.

it helps so greatly that Emily and i share this notion of singleness as God's calling for us both. we talked about it last night and are both so much more at peace than i think we have been in a long time! so, la Vita a Bella! (about the only Italian i know)

where i go next is a complete mystery, i wait for God's word on these next agendas. i have no other choice. i am blessed with the assurance of God's constant presence, as well as that of several very close friends.

z3r0

my bank account used to be relatively full. like, good enough for me. single, male 19-yr-old book lover who's not materialistic.

but today, in a couple blinks of an eye... credit card, phone, car insurance, and fender bender costs have nearly killed it.

i was a wreck about it earlier today.

the day after i find out YWAM accepts me to the September DTS, i lose whatever financial advantage i had.

the move is killing our family's finances, too. so, they're not really going to be able to support me entirely. i've got pretty close to $2,500 to $3,000 i've gotta raise. right now, look's like by sundown i'm gonna have less than $500 i can actually call my own. in one day i lose about $1,200.

my wastefulness is my sin. these are the wages of my sin. sort of. nice play on words, huh?

as much as i'm dumbfounded by my stupidity and sin, i am at peace with the likelihood that somehow God's still gonna carry me over to Africa. to YWAM. to Tanzania. to my brothers and sisters who will teach me how to be the man of God i will spend the rest of my life trying to be.

God is awesome. and never short of cash. amen.

i'm done with coffee

i love coffee. the flavor, the aroma.... it's all so delicious. i drink it black and i have for like two and a half years. my favorite liquid in the world... aside from unadulterated H2O!!!! ;P

however, after finding out through various sources, what little these coffee farmers survive on... i'm done with any NON-Fair Trade coffees.

it took me about a week and a half, but i weened myself off of the wonderful drink i've been physically and psychologically addicted to for several years.

the first addiction i've really been able to kick. i'm workin on the others. but i'm glad to be free of the bondage of that injustice in my own life. Starbucks usually has Fair Trade coffee people... ask for it next time! please! that's my brother's salary you'll be boosting by buying fair trade!

maybe tonight he'll actually be able to afford a simple dinner for his 7-member family.

PAX.