that that don't kill me (pt.1) (content warning)

--a narrative of pain and failed efforts--

part.one

we started this league about a year or so ago. freelance sting operations. a couple ex-black-ops, some KGB defectors, and some old-school gangstas. and one smokin hot computer genius!

it was a little project we devised one day as we met together at a steakhouse. poring over my extra rare slab of expensive meat, i suddenly became nauseous. an image from a stint in Iraq popped into my head. musta been somethin about the redness of the meat on the dirtying plate before me.

Maggs looked at me strangely as i choked a little bit.

i tried to give her, and the rest of the crew, a look tellin em i'm good, but all i end up doing is glare right into their hearts. i get that way when i remember the actions of the others around me at Abu Ghraib.

"Mark, you alright, man?" Cal gives me the same look i used to get from my family, when i first got back. i want to punch him.

my stomach heaves again, and the six others around the table start panicking.

"Mark you better get movin, bro!"
"you look messed up."

i make a break for the can and my head screamed at me as i hobbled along between tables of calm patriotic citizens oblivious to everything that slowly enabled our heads of state to pull out of the UN. my knife and fork clatter against my red oak chair and thud against the maroon-carpeted floor.

seconds later i burst through the stall door furthest from the door and let go.

the images crowd my head, the charges against my detail, the abductions of the 15-year-old girls and the effed-up s--- we put them through. one of the guys from the next barracks over had showed up online fessing up to the prostitution he forced upon one girl, leading her to her own suicide by sundown. the photographs of sodomy. the legal battle and congress' failings against waterboarding and other torture methods. all the s--- that our president passed into legality... all the black ops became legal according to him.

that's when i got out. that's actually ow i met the others. i left during the same week the other black ops guys did and the ex-KGB pair put their fingers on us and we formed a band of brothers. dissenters in the fullest form. none of us loyal any longer to a flag or government.

we were a bunch of ex-war criminals venting to each other about the others' who'd been worse than us.

from the secret US arsenal there's:

**me-Mark-32-- (i did a bunch of pre-cog jobs in afghanistan and was part of the small number of folks--including Bush--who knew of 9/11 before the planes took off that morning. i've since spent time at Gitmo, Abu Ghraib, and helped operate a torture camp and prison in southern Pakistan. i helped prepare the bombers and the shooter that assassinated Bhutto a few years back, at the end of '07)

**Cal-46-- (his history in black ops is so long that he backed the guys in Somalia who took out Siad Barre in '91, and then backed the guys who took down General Aidid's clan from '93-'96, and his last job was in helping topple the Somali Transitional Federal Government--after helping them and Ethiopia come to power 6 years earlier, of course)

**Miller-38-- (this kingpin is responsible for half the police killings in Mexico, since the turn of the century. he worked for both sides and the federal green that told im what to do was all taken away once he tried to tell his story. he barely got out of El Paso with his life. he's gone off the grid as much as is possible in this country. he's on the FBI's most wanted list)

**Valentino-25-- (a product of the School of America, the first one to use his new "skills" against three governments in one day. he's supposedly dead, according to the CIA, but we're pretty sure they knew about him again by the time we met for steak that day)

from the former KGB we have:

**Leo-42-- (killed 734 civilians and politicians fro capitalist nations. at one point, he had his scope on the first Bush. Kremlin threatened to disappear him if he pulled the trigger, once they learned of KGB's plot. their call saved his life by two and a half seconds. he defected after the others from that plot started vanishing as well)

**Emil-45-- (waged war against civilian Afghans and is the reason that Kosovo no longer exists. he bailed from Russia's secret killers and chess players right after he witnessed the effects of the gas he'd been implementing--on his wife and three children)

and our hot techie:

**Maggs-27-- (just out of harvard law school, a very athletic runner, a quick learner, and the one who caused the 2004 blackout of northeastern US... just so she'd have no night classes on anatomy. her motivation in this cause: army-brother Frank's gone MIA. two years ago in Tehran. she'd been lookin for us for over a year by the time we all met up through different connections and sat down for dinner)

---

great, so the first meeting we all have TOGETHER, and my stomach goes AWOL.

i finish wiping my mouth and wash my face for a good five minutes. Emil comes in and puts a hand on my shoulder.

in a thick Rusky accent he says, "Mark, my friend, you look like hell!"

"you'd know it, Emil." i regain my feet better, and lean back from the wall mirror. "let's get the check. i'm sick of waiting."

"already done. we're outside having a cigarette. i'm guessing you don't want one right now?"

"no, probably not. who's paying?"

Emil smiles a crafty smile, hands me a credit card. for a second i think it'll be mine. i recognize the name of an ex-senator with a horrible record. "Uncle Sam," he chides proudly.

"you son of a b----. i'm gonna like working with you!"

---

outside, i watch a few of the others desperately trying to keep the wind from their newports and black'n'milds and camels. Emil lights his half-gone Cuban cigar and hands it to me.

i take a drag and allow the smoke to circulate. fighting a gag reflex with too much recent practice, i focus on the side of the busy city street. the cabs are flyin by on this misting new york night.

Valentino comes up to me, the sweet flavor of his black'n'mild--creme--nearly knocks me off my feet.

he starts speaking, looking at me, but addressing the whole crew, "Mark, we're heading out to Geneva tomorrow. it's time we leave behind our lies and face our burdens head on. call some folks, say your goodbyes, and then you can kiss this soil goodbye come morning. chances are we'll all disappear by year's end, but before Sammy catches on to us, we'll at least be able to extradite, capture, contain, arrest, and reign in half the world's war criminals. i guess if we get lucky we'll come back by here sooner or later. if Geneva won't take us, it's no matter. we all know people. we'll make this happen.

"the flight's gonna suck and mess up your clocks, so make sure you actually sleep tonight, alright? we're no use to the free world if we're snoozing our a---- off, droolin on our AK's."

we all know the drill already, all except for Maggs. the one who'll be the most use to us, is also the one who has absolutely no extended overseas experience. a flight like this will knock her out. i pray she's prepared.

i spend enough time standin in one spot that i finish Emil's cigar. now i've gotta find my way back to our motel 6. on the other side of the river.

----- end.part.one

[all images are public domain, all characters and names are fictional, all events are possible]

not the norm.

i am going to break a lot of rules by writing what i will write next.

if you have a weak stomach, are patriotic, or know anyone who'd be offended by condemnation of particular US soldiers, or would be offended by an affront to the American psyche of super-importance... then stop reading this entry.

---

i first read a story of a woman named Maria Osman, a Mogadishu resident, about two weeks ago. Yahoo News journalist Kevin Sites has been touring the world's conflict zones for about a year. he stopped in Mogadishu and met a woman named Maria.

her arm is useless. rendered so by the bullet wound that she earned for trying to reach the crushed body of her dead young daughter... under US Black Hawk helicopter Super Six One. When the first Black Hawk went down on October 3, 1993, it would herald the end for 18 American soldiers.

and the same fate came to roughly 600 to 1,000 Somalis.

we glorify the black hawks.


and we ignore Maria Osman's story.


the film makes no mention of the girl crushed by Super Six One.

' "I hate the Americans," she says, her eyes maintaining their empty sadness rather than shifting to anger. "I hate them for what happened to my daughter. If I saw one I would cut them up into so many pieces." ' -Kevin Sites quoting Maria Osman

if you think this is wrong, i agree with you. i think hate is a horrible thing, but i can see where it comes from.
but apparently she's not the only one guilty of this.

"An anonymous man wearing a US Special Forces T-shirt is a war criminal, if his three-minute YouTube interview is to be believed. In it, he claims to have taken part in routine torture of Iraqis — Hajji’s in soldier slang — in the infamous Abu Ghraib prison..." -Captain Eric May, on Soldier X's Youtube interview (i won't put the link to it, but search "soldier x interview" if you absolutely don't believe me in any other way. but please, don't view it unless you're completely ready to hear what he has to say, while smiling)


last month i joined the All Somali Forum. i wrote a blog on there about the war crimes of the Transitional Federal Government in Somalia, and when someone read it, they posted a comment asking me if i am anti-TFG.

i told them that i am, for the time being, since they are committing war crimes and getting away with it. i am against any war criminal. frankly, as you can guess, that does mean tat my enemies include many americans. by far, hopefully not a majority, but definitely more than i'd normally think.

there are always people against people. but if it's going to go that way, it should only be the armed against the armed. civilians should never be targets. and there is such a thing as War Law. so if you're going to lose your head, at least do it by the rules.

high-octane

sometimes i think about how real my life is, in a way that it defies all "American Dream" reality, and rather focuses on what is truly real, namely everything that is going on outside of this country.

i am aware of the Turkish invasion of northern Iraq, to deal with the PKK rebels.

i am aware of the peace talks in Kenya, and that they are possibly getting somewhere great in the coming weeks and months.

i am aware that the Islamic Courts Union could very easily overthrow the secular Transitional Federal Government and its Ethiopian backing, in southern Somalia, after the ICU displayed its power on Sunday, by attacking military targets in Dinsoor, Somalia. (frankly, the ICU brought better stability and peace during their six months of rule, than TFG/Ethiopia has in over a year. i think ICU needs to gain power back.)

i am aware that Kosovo and Serbia may easily divide the world's powers along lines (and to extents) not seen in over 60 years or more.

i am aware that Chad, Sudan's once-peaceful neighbor (harboring so many Darfur refugees) is on the verge of failing to withstand Sudanese rebels and their attempt at a likely coup.

i am aware that Israel is threatening a full-scale invasion of the Palestinian Authority.

i am aware that the U.S. is run by war criminals and murderers, liars, torturers, weasels, and arrogant war hawks.

barely any of this is good news. Kenya may have peace. Somalia may have stability (after more bloodshed of course).

but there is the bad:

Iraq may lose its own identity as a nation, as it is divided up but foreign belligerent powers.
Kosovo may lose its identity as a nation simply for declaring it, as the rest of the world draws lines to fight over it's name.
Chad's toppling may lead to another extension of Darfur, tripling the size of the war zone and genocidal crimes.
Palestine may lose its identity as a nation, as indiscriminate [super-power-backed] genocide wipes out an entire people based on individual criminals.
the world may be crippled by whatever next move the U.S., Russia, China, England, France, Germany, Italy, and the rest of the world's most influential states carry through with.

there is a vacuum where there once was concern for human life.

the U.S. has broken nearly all its commitments to proper human rights--like the ones spelled out in the Geneva Conventions, the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, (and others)--or simply dodged parts of memberships, commitments, or alliances that would hold them equally accountable with all other members and signers.

and they say China's not fit to host the games. our Human Rights record is far worse... just that nobody knows about it.

Waterboarding & Torture: read and tell me you still like Bush

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080214/pl_afp/usbushcongressintelligenceveto

i hate this. absolutely HATE it.

it'd be great if we could have someone mature in office sometime soon.

i should shut up now before i say something really bad.

so much for bloody human rights is the grand ol' US of A.

i hate this.

along this track, why don't we just go back to the "good old days (ways)" of breaking the Geneva Conventions and committing war crimes...


execution of a Vietcong soldier; photo taken at exact second of cartridge explosion.

way to go Captain America... you endorsed this.

I Saw 3 Black Hawk Helicopters

this is gonna seem totally random, but i was able to utilize my growing fascination for [investigative] journalism and i followed up on something really strange that i've never seen before! at 10.30 this morning, i just saw 3 Black Hawk military helicopters fly right over my house!!! it was inSANE!!! holy crap!

i freaked out and tried to get a shot of them or something, but i was too slow to remember to grab the camera, and by the time i zoomed i didn't even recognize the dots any more. dangit!

i called the Marines office that had accidentally called my house yesterday lookng for a Joe Schmoe that had given our address for a free lanyard or pencil, and found out that (of course) the Marines don't use Black Hawks, so the guy i spoke with was totally clueless and suggested they could have been from National Guard in Terra Haute. but that's too far east for their heading.

i searched around online for other bases and found one south-east of Indianapolis, called Camp Atterbury. called their PR office and got put through to airfield. Airfield confirmed my suspicions that, yes, they were indeed headed for Chicago.

"thanks, i just wanted to check since i've never seen anything like it before."

now i'm left to ponder my next opportunity for journalistic greatness... don't know when that'll come along...

ugh, i can't wait for a cell phone... would've felt so much cooler calling from my cell, rather than the house phone!

PAX, ya'll! (oh dear... becoming Indianan)

probably strange... came out of nowhere, huh?

Hey everyone, i know this probably seems to have come out of freakin nowhere! and to some extent it did. i'm finally having a some time alone with God, at this very moment, and i just wanted to say how beautiful God really is.

i personally forget it all too often. maybe we all do. i encourage us all to turn to our God, and seek the truth of his love and grace, and the beauty of his face.

without him, i'd have nothing real to offer anyone on here. i don't remember who said this, but i love it:

"what a man is, on his knees, before the LORD,
that he is, and nothing more."

yeah, sounds about right. i know i play myself and my work up (personally just me, i'm saying) to be something big. i really do believe it is. but i think i put too much of the guts and glory on myself whenever i start talking about my activism. this was never the intended outcome. but it happens all too often. i love my work, i love what i do! but i can't let it be the main focus of my heart, or else my heart will shrivel and dry up under strain and pressure. this is where God comes in, and if i'm diligent about going back to him, then i'll have no issues of how strong and full my heart is. my God is a God who loves and cares so deeply for ALL his children. he'd do anything (and did everything) to see his children get the best for them, in this life!

my God definitely cares about human rights, if he cares at all about his children. i like to think my work is done with him, as a friend and partner and servant and son, all at the same time. this way i can do it with perfect love even if my actions do not seem perfect.

PAX.

things have changed...

brothers and sisters... something has changed in the manner of my writing. at least the subject matter.

so the heavier subject matter, like that which i last posted. like that which is now deleted.

it's posted elsewhere under another name and the whole works. if you want to read any of my new posts on my new site, ask me individually. i'll give you the link. but please be careful. if you read my last post--that looked more like a newspaper article--then you might have a hint of the dangers involved with using real information on either side of the atlantic.

please understand if things here seem suddenly less suspenseful. hopefully my protective measures in switching over will be worth something and will help protect the authors here, and all who have commented. i'll definitely try to work on both sites, of course!

p.s. if you're willing to go slightly undercover, i'd be glad to work on this with a partner or two (or more). there are many many human rights stories to cover. the world is only so big.

PAX.

youtube videojournalists.

youtube should hire videojournalists to cover major stories on an international scale... like, obviously i'd be vying for the ones with little coverage, concerning Human Rights.

hopefully they come around to this idea soon so that unknown stories can become world-wide. enough people post celebrity gossip and movie spoilers and God knows what else, that frankly youtube's creators and owners could really capitalize on having freelancers bring them video coverage of far away wars and conflicts and injustices (and other stories too, of course), but this would greatly have the chance to bring about change and prevent innocent civilian death tolls from being forgotten in the dark closets of inhumane government buildings.

youtube, i hope you're listening. i hope you take this chance. i hope you bring on the change.

PAX.

Mogadishu

"hello, my name is ________________, and i'm a US citizen living in ______________. i'm calling on behalf of a man named ________________ living in Mogadishu, in Somalia, seeking asylum here..."

i called the UNHCR DC Office.

this is how my voicemail started. obviously, for protection all around, things had to be changed here, in this publishing.

the man i mentioned above, a Somali journalist, has been threatened by both sides, for his work with foreign journalists.

one of the journalists he's worked with in the past several months works for a big newspaper based not far from my house. i'm working with both of them, as well as a woman in the 11th District Office in Ohio, working for Representative Stephanie Tubbs-Jones.

hopefully this action will all count for something.

Human Rights in Somalia

i've got a lead. a Somali journalist living in Mogadishu. could be the key i need to unlock a lot of the shrouded stories of Mogadishu's past, present, and future.

pray for me, my sisters and brothers, and pray for my contact. they face danger on a daily basis. several journalists have been killed (often targetted) in the past year, in Mogadishu. just pray.

and act.