to be mis-interpreted

sadly, everything can be mis-interpreted.

you could read this as a disconnected trail of thoughts,
as a sign of my own depression,
or as a suicide note.

it is not the latter. probably not the former. maybe the middle?

I believe people do not know how to easily read me. I long to come into face-to-face contact with my lover so that she may truly know everything happening within me, simply by looking into my eyes.

if i say my hometown is Amsterdam, i am not to be questioned. many do not know my allegiances. the hundreds of times i pledged my allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, none of them i take as truth or reality anymore. simply because i feel more that this country is parasiting me, than that it is helping me acheive my dream.

i am too easily distracted here, because of the billions of dollars that are pumped into advertising and TV. I think i shall unplug it for the weekend. I will be alone here for the weekend, so who could it hurt?

i just do not like being assaulted for simple things i say. i do not like being questioned as i try to remain true to myself and the calling i hope is still mine. i have nearly lost a true sense of identity. i feel as though i have too many homes and hearths- thus none. i feel as though i have too many faces and personalities- in fact, none.

i am unaware of Asher. Things i once was, i can no longer identify with nearly as strongly, and even things i love now i feel too distant from. like there is some invisible wall between me and me. between Me and Asher. between Mind and Heart.

And worst of all, I don't know how to fix it.