to be is not to be good enough, right? wrong...

a lot of people i trust have told me that God really just wants us to BE with him, to delve in his presence and exist side-by-side, heart-to-heart.

i believe that
but indelibly
i recognize i am a flawed reflection
of that.

as i'm going to divulge later to a dear friend and confidant, in far more detail than i shall here, i have realized that i fall into the trap of either of two extremes...

i either focus immensely on doing too much and planning too much for my life in the future, as well as in the present, or i fail to plan, entirely, and the moment the hope of something in the future fails, i feel as though i am truly alone, and i start wishing i had an other person with whom things could be... "significant."

and then usually, that doesn't end up getting me anywhere without too much pain, for i fail to factor in all that i've ever hoped to DO, and the BEING of that relationship fails.

kapput.

back to square one.

and the moment i plan too much i am attacked for not giving God room to work in my life and in my future, and i am forced to reckon with my loneliness again, even though i was doing a darn good job keeping it at bay as long as i had a task at hand or even simply a few distant, adventurous goals.

i don't like that i do this, and perhaps i'm not the only one struggling with this, but i am the only one who's made it plain to my brain that anyone's dealing with this. ergo, i shall make plans, for to not have any plans would simply be too painful...

but maybe if i find a way to make room for God's plans along the way in mine, maybe then i'll get it right...

i just wonder what kind of girl would be willing to do a journey around southeast Asia, north Africa, or Latin America on motorcycle (or two) in the style of Ernesto Guevara's "Motorcycle Diaries"; what kind of girl would be willing to leave this country for long spurts at a time and travel spartan across deserts and jungles, just to find the truth of human rights in a given corner of earth; what kind of girl would be willing to put any remote possibility of family on hold for up to a decade simply to travel with me, with our God, and with our desire to serve anyone we encounter, at our own expense.

that's what i wonder, and that's why it's always looked easier to roll solo down the road.

God, since you're in charge, you tell me what i need to do, or how i need to be, ok?

ok.

thanks.

one hundred wonderful things that will never work out

someday soon i'll just do it
just bite the bullet
take the verdict
to hear the truth that's been so pensive

i'll walk into your house
sit down across from you
fold my hands in front of me
and look at you in perfect seriousness
and i'll ask you out
and you'll say 'no'
and i'll ask you why
and you'll say so...

you'll give me reasons
things i can change
and others i cannot
i'll feel like crap
but i won't make you feel the same

i'll untangle my fingers from each other
and shakily shake your hand
i'll say 'thank you', rise from my chair
take my leave, and step out for some air.

standing on your porch
i'll give you exactly
one hundred nineteen seconds
without me

i'll wish that i smoked
and then i'll wish i had something to smoke
like a newport or a marlboro
they say i look like a camel light guy

but as i stand there alone
aggravation and a red face
i'll come slowly around to contentment
i'll think of you inside
you're one of my best friends, you know

i'll take a puff of the tobacco-less air
and make a list of one hundred wonderful things
that will never work out

and at the top of the list will be you and i
and at the bottom will be carving up Mars into apple pie

and realizing solemnly that it ain't that bad
i'll turn from my reverie and reach for the door

put out the cigarette never really in my hand
take a drag of the air and of God and of peace in the land

and when i come back in
you'll probably be laying down with the TV still on
maybe you've turned the volume back up

i'll say hey and drop my keys and wallet by the door
grab some cookies and fill my cup
and sink into my seat

we'll watch Mind Of Mencia like nothing had passed
we're back to normal again, sister
laughing with a really funny guy named Carlos
and i like it this way

i know that what i write here
i'll never ever say some day

it just helps me to write it
to picture it this way

knowing nothing could ever go wrong
as long as this is how it stays

in fact you'll probably never hear any word
or mention of this from me
i'll fail to ever tell you myself
how much i really do care about you
i know it won't work
but there's other things that don't either
apple pie in the sky among them

and i know that life rolls that way
i can roll with that too
thanks for your patience
i can really assure you
that these feelings are gone
by the end of a South Park or two

thanks for who you are
thanks for your coolness
and for not letting me slip away
no matter how many other people you bring into your life

in fact that's all i believe i ever worried for.
peace be with you, sister
and thanks for keeping me close by.



[photo from hamada's photostream on flickr.com]

a journey renewed... again.

if anyone reading this has known me well for over a year you'll definitely recognize these sentiments, especially if i knew you at the end of my spring semester at Lakeland. and there may be a few of you who recognize these exact thoughts if i spoke with you about this in Africa.

i wrote this a week ago in an attempt to understand myself and get some things out on paper. it was unfinished, but maybe i'll like it better this way.

--

my mind is racing. the Jesus of Peace. the God of Justice--would they think this right?
a monster taking on the bigger monster.
theoretically, in being armed, i can kill.
i can take life. not yet, for i am thus far unarmed,
but in the future. three, four, maybe five years, and i'll have the capacity.
but can i pull the trigger?
what hat will i wear?
will i be undercover?
will i be a badge?
or don a suit?
what about combat boots, camo, and a bandana?
will i go guerilla to "seek justice"?
will i be seen as a terrorist, murderer, snake?

or will i even ever really take a life?
in defending the poor and oppressed, will the Prince of Peace fade to the background?
will his call be lost in gunfire?
will i ignore his will?

if no one is to perish, perhaps i can help, and simply aim low-- just high and hard enough to bring them down so they cannot rise again.

can i shatter your bones in your legs and kick your face into the mud and know that you'll walk away from your crime?

--

tell me what you all think, please. every time i think this way i find something that swings me back to the other extreme end of the pendulum and i loathe any hint of violence.

and then again i see violence succeed in releasing captives of cruelty.
and then i remember there's no such thing as redemptive violence.
and then i think to myself, "is rescuing violence the same as redemptive violence?"

war is not the answer. invasion is wrong. occupation is wrong. but what about insurrection? what about violent uprising within a country in order to gain liberation?

i am stuck. i could go for a coffee date or a phone call with anyone interested in talking about this stuff.

peace.
amani.
veritas.

a follow-up of the mention of the girl...

so a few entries ago, i mentioned that i was going to write a letter to a girl. a letter to a girl who may or may not play a huge role in my life in the future, in a romantic sense.

a letter that was met with a response exactly how i could have hoped for... and the outcome?

still absolutely single with no signs of slowing down any time soon! i love it! things are better now between us (though things were never bad between us, i just feel less nervous), since i've had a chance to share this with her, and get her feedback (since the feelings mostly sat on my side of the fence--not so much with her anymore).

so, singleness feels really good when you don't have an outcome in mind, no woman to run to as soon as you're fed up with being "alone". no promises for marriage. actually, still looks more and more like i could remain single for the rest of my life, whether it be long or short.

feels good.

just thought i'd share that.

may the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ dwell in you.
Amen.
PAX.

being lonely...

can be something wonderful when you want to be lonely.

Today I wanted to be on my own. I didn't want anyone around me. I just wanted to thing about some stuff, get rid of some stuff which was on my mind and I need time to talk to God in silent.
So I went out to my favorite place. It's about 1 mile away from home.
I walked there with my mp3-player. I listened to some music and when I finally arrived there I sat down on that bench next to the statue made out of stone. This statue means something special to me. It was placed at that beautiful place the year I started to believe and gave my life in God's hands.
The statue shows a father and in his arms is a crying child.
At the bottom of the statue is 'Deine Güte reicht soweit der Himmel ist' (Your kindness is as far as heaven stretches) written. And yes, this verse of the bible is exactly what the place is about. When you look to your right, there's a small forest and in summer you sit on that bench right next to the birds in the trees and over your head is this huge tree with all its leaves.
To your left, there are fields and when you look straight ahead you can see the Swabian Albs, these mountains seem to be so near by but even so far away. Yes, God's kindness is as far as heaven stretches.
And every time I'm right there at that lovely place, at my place I feel lonely but I love it.
I feel free their, I feel like I can do everything I want to. I just feel good.

I wish you to have such a place as well
God bless you
-Krissi