i am

i am the Black Militant.
i am the Muslim Extremist.
i am the Illegal Alien.
i am the Welfare Slacker.
i am the St. Claire Gang Banger.
i am the South Side Whore.
i am the Tattooed Convict.
i am the Sleazy Pimp.
i am the Drug Dealer.
i am the one you throw your stereotypes on.
i am the minority you want to categorize.
i am the minority you fear.
i am the minority you rule.
i am the minority you monopolize.
i am all of these and none of these.



sadly, i am white.
i am just like you.
i am just like you as any one of these.
i am just like you when not one of these.
you don't see it the right way.
you don't see the similarity in our differences.
all you want is our deference.
because you're in power.

i am Troy Davis.
i am Timothy McVeigh.
i am John Brown.
i am Fred Ahmed Evans.
i am Eric Harris.
i am Dylan Klebold.

and thanks to you, i am out of luck.
and thanks to you, i am forced down.
i am oppressed.
i am where i am.

and i think you know who i blame.

the white moderate (and why i am leaving "church" as it is commonly known)

in this video i only see a handful of whites who are not police (in this particular case the police involved with Troy Davis have been accused of coercion to reach the verdict against Troy that's now nearly had him executed THREE times!...



"...I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.
...
We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people.
...
I had hoped that the white moderate would see this need. Perhaps I was too optimistic; perhaps I expected too much. I suppose I should have realized that few members of the oppressor race can understand the deep groans and passionate yearnings of the oppressed race, and still fewer have the vision to see that injustice must be rooted out by strong, persistent and determined action. I am thankful, however, that some of our white brothers in the South have grasped the meaning of this social revolution and committed themselves to it. They are still all too few in quantity, but they are big in quality. Some -such as Ralph McGill, Lillian Smith, Harry Golden, James McBride Dabbs, Ann Braden and Sarah Patton Boyle--have written about our struggle in eloquent and prophetic terms. Others have marched with us down nameless streets of the South. They have languished in filthy, roach infested jails, suffering the abuse and brutality of policemen who view them as "dirty nigger-lovers." Unlike so many of their moderate brothers and sisters, they have recognized the urgency of the moment and sensed the need for powerful "action" antidotes to combat the disease of segregation. Let me take note of my other major disappointment. I have been so greatly disappointed with the white church and its leadership. Of course, there are some notable exceptions.
...
But despite these notable exceptions, I must honestly reiterate that I have been disappointed with the church."

-Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr, "Letter from Birmingham Jail"



...and people wonder why i am so disillusioned with the church and can no longer stand to attend most churches. there is so much jovial worship and so little gritty action. where there is gritty action i am unable to be involved and thus i only witness the hollow-seeming worship. it is too hard. were i to ever find a church CENTERED on SERVICE to GOD AND MAN... well, i would be there. but i seek the kind of church that consists of several people committed to various types of service and love for Adonai and fellow man. so, with this i offer up my reasons for stepping out of the common visions of "church" among most people i know.

i also ask that any others who are disillusioned with church the way it's so commonly done, and seek something different, even if it doesn't turn out to be "better", then i would love community with you and the chance to discuss and eat with you and do whatever we feel should be done. let us serve our God and one another.

Peace.
Salaams.
Shalom.
Friede.
Pace.
Pax.

Loophole Legislation (that makes me want to use strong language)

I was reading about something last night that successfully pissed me off and nearly sent me into an outrage!
the downside of this well-meaning outrage was that there's really no longer anyone alive responsible for it and it's results that i could do any damage to.

so i let the initial reactionary feelings rest.

but the idea started working on me and i started writing something down last night...

first, here's what i was reading about. maybe for some of my readers this is a familiar old term:

The Pupil Placement Law.

1954--Brown v. Board of Education--Segregation outlawed because nothing can ever really be "separate but equal."

here's what the famed brother, Dr. King, had to say about it,

"There was another factor in the slow pace of progress, a factor of which few are aware and even fewer understand. It is an unadvertised fact that soon after the 1954 decision the Supreme Court retreated from its own position by giving approval to the Pupil Placement Law. This law permitted the states themselves to determine where school children might be placed by virtue of family background, special ability and other subjective criteria. The Pupil Placement Law was almost as far-reaching in modifying and limiting the integration of schools as the original decision had been in attempting to eliminate segregation. Without technically reversing itself, the Court had granted legal sanction to tokenism and thereby guaranteed that segregation, in substance, would last for an indefinite period, though formally it was illegal."
---Martin Luther King, Jr., Why We Can't Wait

this is the part of the book at which i immediately yelled out my favourite expletive... probably more than once. it's a good thing i was in a pretty much empty campus parking lot (although ironically 10 minutes beforehand a campus police cruiser had driven up behind me, probably smelling for pot smoke, since i generally dress the perfect part of the druggie hippie).

i think i stood up and threw my hands in the air in exasperation and swore some more, beginning to pace, FURIOUS.

sadly of course, i can't REALLY blame all whites for that. as much as i wanted so badly to do so. at that moment i know i would have offered some very choice words to those Supreme Court Justices if they had somehow shown their face on my campus. and i probably would have been so vocal that that squad car that sniffed me would be back in a flash to lock me up for "disturbing the peace".

and to think that allowing segregation to continue, when they did, wasn't an act of gregariously disturbing the peace!

finally realizing there was nothing i could do to change the past, i pulled out a notebook from my satchel on the curb, took a swig from my water bottle and pulled my pen out of my pocket, leaning against a small tree to begin writing something i'm surprised i can still read, for my hands were shaking with anger as the ink flowed...

"Loophole Legislation--9.8.08

Words like 'as best seen fit' are Bull. if the president/congress/or powers that be promise financial aif to a region or country in need of reconstructionary funding, then nowhere in the written promisory note can ambiguous wording, such as that often used for the betterment of the U.S. Constitution, be applied. If it is, there is a negative legislative loophole.

If not, there is a good loophole in the system based on greed, and said moneys may actually make it into greater manifestation among the people for whom it is intended."

as i finished writing last night, i recalled to memory a scene from the film Amazing Grace, in which the abolitionists in the British Parliament drafted a simple law that endangered British sailing vessels as they tried to hide under the neutral flag of the colonies, as those particular vessels carried slaves from Africa to the Isles. if suddenly all ships in those waters bearing the flag of the colonies could become fair game, then the slave trade would be greatly hindered for too many sailors and captains would be too afraid to make that journey knowing they were suddenly viable targets for enemy warships.

if there can be a good piece of loophole legislation like that, then there's certainly something that can be done today to look out for the interests of the masses and the oppressed. the problem is that today there's probably some way to pay closer attention and with a federal system in place, relying also on the permissions of a presidential and executive voice, then it's a lot harder to pass legislation so quickly that could truly benefit those already downtrodden by the law.

anyone have any ideas on this? what if i could actually get my readership to come forward and comment in larger numbers and assist me in the struggle to find a way to pass a protectorate law WITHOUT ambiguous wording...

will anyone please help me?

my father said something in church last week about how so many church-goers complain about change in the church and want things to be done the same old way. he then said that so many get so frustrated and upset about change occurring within a church body, and said that he holds out on giving this response one-on-one, but went ahead and said to the larger group:

"if you're going to get upset about something, let's get upset about AIDS in Africa, starving children or the situation in Darfur. Let's make it about something that matters for crying out loud!"

on that note, i ask you:

will you stand up and not get pissed about the words i use to describe things that i hate, to describe injustice that is unfit for human witness! these stronger words should mean nothing to you in comparison with the greater evils i'm telling you about!

stand against racism
stand against hate
stand against poverty
stand against slavery
stand against apartheid
stand against injustice!

i wish the unrest of God's spirit to be upon you until you take action.
may peace flee from your heart until peace and rest are gained for the world.
--BENEDICTION--

insurgency reports

i went further into the wikipedia article covering Blackwater today and discovered, via a few links, al Basrah's Iraqi Insurgency Reports page.

it's interesting to read the difference in the incidents reported in recent days on the site, as opposed to those posted in 2006.

in 2006, most of their proud targets seem to be US and allied soldiers and marines.
in 2008, the tone changes and the targets seem to be primarily civilians.

insurgency is NOT illegal according to international law. in fact i completely understand the sentiments of the insurgents who want to fight back for control over their own fates. i don't believe we have a right to impose a government that's not wanted.
---
(i don't know the full situation in Iraq, so i won't start a tangent there, but i know that Somalis have been upset since December 06 when the US backed an Ethiopian invasion to install a secular government in Mogadishu, deposing the Islamic Courts Union after only six months of their stable rule in southern Somalia--the first stable government in 15 years! frankly, people are pissed, and things have gotten worse since they lost their own form of non-secular government. and maybe there's a similar thought among the many politically-minded Iraqi citizens, wishing they had their autonomy back.)
---
as i was saying, i understand the rise and reasons of the insurgency. it is perfectly legal, again, according to international law, if not local or state law...

HOWEVER: the LEGALITY of an "insurgency" drastically changes when CIVILIANS become TARGETS. and THAT is when it MUST be called what it is: illegal, criminal, terroristic crimes against humanity.

as i've said before, and i say often: i support the insurgents, just as much as i support the troops. i hate the war, and i hate the indiscriminate violence of both sides, though it's more-so being perpetrated by the insurgents.

these reports on al Basrah's website are chilling to read. it is strange to read reports of death or murder, at any rate, but when written so coldly, and nearly proudly, it is just sickening.

i don't know what is to be done in Iraq, or in Afghanistan (especially since i hear far less from the general media about the latter), but i know that the goals of both sides of the blood bath in Iraq (at least) have lost sight of their original goals and loyalties and LIMITS.

i pray for peace, and i pray for justice, and unless i am physically there, i don't know what else to do.

PAX.

what if i stumble, what if i fall?

as Rob Bell has pointed out in one of his sermon's i've watched, everything is spiritual. there is to be no separation between our spirits and our bodies.

if that be the case then why do i struggle to stand so often?

i have many close friends whom i look to for guidance in life, people i imagine to be more strongly in touch with the Father. i look to them when i am weak in my walk. i look to them when i don't feel weak even (which may be when i am truly weakest, at times) and i see their example to be almost unattainable.

as many have struggled with over the years, i wonder if i am no longer simply IN the world, and if i've not become, somewhere along my self-infatuated path, OF the world.

in my efforts to be relevant i've only weakened the message and power of the Gospel.

each time i think i'm starting to get back on track i see that a friend is so much MORE excited about God than i am, and that they broadcast it more publicly than i. and i crumple, for i do not wish to be like them. i do not want to be known simply for shouting on and on of how much i'm in love with Jesus. i don't want to look to people like Jesus is all that i think about, though he most often is EXACTLY what i wish i could be channeled into 100% of the time. i just don't want to come across as though i'm saying i am "holier than thou". which is perhaps what i feel like when i look at others so seemingly in love with Jesus and at peace for it.

and this is the part in the story where i realize it is incredibly likely i am frankly OF the world.

and i don't know how to regain my stance of being in, and not of...

i see now that i am avoiding exactly what i want because i hate the idea of being titled and labeled and named as "one of them". it is not fear of association, as much as it is fear of being stuck, dependent under one title, one label alone.
and yet as much as i know my only real claim to any identity comes through Christ's claim on me, as a human trying to make an impact, and avoid stereotypes, i try to outrun his grace, love, and possession of my heart that i absolutely want him alone to have.

i am a stupid mule who is ignoring the call of the only farmer who will give me rest from the cold, tired world, just because i don't want to be seen as the one who wimped out and couldn't make it on his own. even though i know it is the best possible thing in this world for me, and maybe there's not even enough people watching me to see me "wimp out."

a strange place indeed, Watson.

a journey renewed... again.

if anyone reading this has known me well for over a year you'll definitely recognize these sentiments, especially if i knew you at the end of my spring semester at Lakeland. and there may be a few of you who recognize these exact thoughts if i spoke with you about this in Africa.

i wrote this a week ago in an attempt to understand myself and get some things out on paper. it was unfinished, but maybe i'll like it better this way.

--

my mind is racing. the Jesus of Peace. the God of Justice--would they think this right?
a monster taking on the bigger monster.
theoretically, in being armed, i can kill.
i can take life. not yet, for i am thus far unarmed,
but in the future. three, four, maybe five years, and i'll have the capacity.
but can i pull the trigger?
what hat will i wear?
will i be undercover?
will i be a badge?
or don a suit?
what about combat boots, camo, and a bandana?
will i go guerilla to "seek justice"?
will i be seen as a terrorist, murderer, snake?

or will i even ever really take a life?
in defending the poor and oppressed, will the Prince of Peace fade to the background?
will his call be lost in gunfire?
will i ignore his will?

if no one is to perish, perhaps i can help, and simply aim low-- just high and hard enough to bring them down so they cannot rise again.

can i shatter your bones in your legs and kick your face into the mud and know that you'll walk away from your crime?

--

tell me what you all think, please. every time i think this way i find something that swings me back to the other extreme end of the pendulum and i loathe any hint of violence.

and then again i see violence succeed in releasing captives of cruelty.
and then i remember there's no such thing as redemptive violence.
and then i think to myself, "is rescuing violence the same as redemptive violence?"

war is not the answer. invasion is wrong. occupation is wrong. but what about insurrection? what about violent uprising within a country in order to gain liberation?

i am stuck. i could go for a coffee date or a phone call with anyone interested in talking about this stuff.

peace.
amani.
veritas.

confession (round 2)

last May i posted about several major character flaws of mine.

since that time i haven't really had too many opportunities to say anything further on the topic of my character flaws. but now i've come up with a reason for that to change.

i've got another character flaw to address and willingly expose to the few who don't already see this in me. tonight i had a bit of a chance to reflect on all my past relationships with girlfriends... i was driving home from a Bible study where the leader's daughter (a friend of my little sister) said something along the lines of, "so, i heard you got engaged in Africa?" apparently my sister had not only blabbed to this friend, but to a hand-full of other friends i've never even met, not to mention this friend tonight told her mother, and i've already told her father, in another related discussion.

it doesn't really bother me at all that people know this about me (as long as i'm able to explain and contextualize that statement!) fact of the matter is that i was, in fact, according to cultural norms, engaged to a girl i met on my team in Arusha, simply because i found her attractive and she caught on. it was all a whirlwind from there. we ended up fine by the end of it, sticking to our single selves, however, somewhere along the lines i'd further damaged my credibility, and apparently, she had as well. or i had done so, for her. i don't really know, or comprehend it all.

the point is, including the fact that i've been engaged already and "broken it off" (though i was oblivious of the severity of it until about a month and a half later!) i've simply had too many girlfriends too deal with myself. i'm not proud of it, and it's shown me just how weak i really am in this area.

i wear a purity ring. it's a small, ding-ed up silver ring on my left ring finger. from over 5 feet away, looks like i'm married. i look over 20, sometimes as old as 26, apparently... basically, with this ring on, i look untouchable.

that's just the way i want it to be for now--i'm still trying to go a couple years on my own, just workin things out with God, since i really haven't had such a chance since my sophomore year of high school... ergo it's time for a bleedin' break!

basically, i mess up. i ROYALLY mess up. i go back and forth between the Reign of Over-Zealous and the Reigned-in Over-Cautious! apparently, subconsciously i think that firing both kinds of weapons will balance things out and create a pleasant, neutral reaction. sometimes i get lucky (i.e. not dumb) and i ease in a statement here or there, where it could've been quite explosive instead, and totally read in the wrong (or right) way! thankfully, that hasn't happened too recently... barely.

just trying to hold myself together, and keep my sights on Aslan, and not get too tripped up trying to play the field for the time being. i've done enough of that at this point. i apologize to all whom i've hurt. please forgive me.

hopefully this next stint on earth will prove better-handled.

PAX.

not the norm.

i am going to break a lot of rules by writing what i will write next.

if you have a weak stomach, are patriotic, or know anyone who'd be offended by condemnation of particular US soldiers, or would be offended by an affront to the American psyche of super-importance... then stop reading this entry.

---

i first read a story of a woman named Maria Osman, a Mogadishu resident, about two weeks ago. Yahoo News journalist Kevin Sites has been touring the world's conflict zones for about a year. he stopped in Mogadishu and met a woman named Maria.

her arm is useless. rendered so by the bullet wound that she earned for trying to reach the crushed body of her dead young daughter... under US Black Hawk helicopter Super Six One. When the first Black Hawk went down on October 3, 1993, it would herald the end for 18 American soldiers.

and the same fate came to roughly 600 to 1,000 Somalis.

we glorify the black hawks.


and we ignore Maria Osman's story.


the film makes no mention of the girl crushed by Super Six One.

' "I hate the Americans," she says, her eyes maintaining their empty sadness rather than shifting to anger. "I hate them for what happened to my daughter. If I saw one I would cut them up into so many pieces." ' -Kevin Sites quoting Maria Osman

if you think this is wrong, i agree with you. i think hate is a horrible thing, but i can see where it comes from.
but apparently she's not the only one guilty of this.

"An anonymous man wearing a US Special Forces T-shirt is a war criminal, if his three-minute YouTube interview is to be believed. In it, he claims to have taken part in routine torture of Iraqis — Hajji’s in soldier slang — in the infamous Abu Ghraib prison..." -Captain Eric May, on Soldier X's Youtube interview (i won't put the link to it, but search "soldier x interview" if you absolutely don't believe me in any other way. but please, don't view it unless you're completely ready to hear what he has to say, while smiling)


last month i joined the All Somali Forum. i wrote a blog on there about the war crimes of the Transitional Federal Government in Somalia, and when someone read it, they posted a comment asking me if i am anti-TFG.

i told them that i am, for the time being, since they are committing war crimes and getting away with it. i am against any war criminal. frankly, as you can guess, that does mean tat my enemies include many americans. by far, hopefully not a majority, but definitely more than i'd normally think.

there are always people against people. but if it's going to go that way, it should only be the armed against the armed. civilians should never be targets. and there is such a thing as War Law. so if you're going to lose your head, at least do it by the rules.

Waterboarding & Torture: read and tell me you still like Bush

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080214/pl_afp/usbushcongressintelligenceveto

i hate this. absolutely HATE it.

it'd be great if we could have someone mature in office sometime soon.

i should shut up now before i say something really bad.

so much for bloody human rights is the grand ol' US of A.

i hate this.

along this track, why don't we just go back to the "good old days (ways)" of breaking the Geneva Conventions and committing war crimes...


execution of a Vietcong soldier; photo taken at exact second of cartridge explosion.

way to go Captain America... you endorsed this.

an amendment to my reading list

not a fan of serial killer novels. thought i could go with 'The Poet', mentioned a few posts ago, but no-siree-bob! it wasn't exactly of the calibre of "film noir" which is what i'd hoped for. with was worse than Law & Order SVU.

not my thing. especially since lately it's just been the last book i've been in the mood to pick up. i pulled it out of my satchel (which is with me no matter where i am, no matter what room on the base i'm occupying!)--an incredibly huge step since i over-pack to compensate for any kind of mood i might be in for various reading material. frankly pulling it out was a huge vote of no confidence!

it just isn't edifying. i think i'm finally beginning to face things the way my dad does. he's got a knack for removing books and movies that won't do his psyche (or more importantly, his relationship with Jesus) any good, and he sacks 'em, reads or watches something better, and never misses a beat in life.

i think i'm finally growing up and getting to that point in my walk with the Son of God. i just don't want filler crap any more.

feels good to put this novel behind me for good!

PAX.

doing singleness the wrong way...

flipping shut the novel i checked out of the library here on the base a few days ago, a murder mystery called 'The Poet', i'm nearly to page 100 of the paperback, and the action's starting to kick into high gear, as the protagonist, Jack McEvoy--a homicide reporter at a Denver newspaper--stumbles onto a theory that link's his cop brother's recent suicide with another cop suicide 2000 miles away in Chicago, making it look like a serial killer. he sets his sights on Chicago, D.C., and the FBI HQ on the east coast, aiming to track down this story.

McEvoy's a 35-year-old bachelor who's lived in the same apartment for the past 9 years, working the same reporter beat at the paper.

reading about his life suddenly taking a turn for... (at least) the more interesting and exciting, i found myself strapping on my bag, slipping into my sandals, throwing on my shirt, shrugging sleep off, grabbing my 1.5 liter Kilimanjaro water bottle, with the label ripped off, and heading down the steps from my bunk in the dorm room, toward the bathroom. stop at the sink on the way out, scrub my face with water and wake myself up, then run my fingers through my hair that i'm growing out in a rather mottley fashion, and head out into the open courtyard, feeling invincible.

standing coolly in the shadows, my unkempt brown hair striking strange shadows across the tan bricks and chop-cut grass behind the short bushes, i breathe deeply, and suddenly realize the attitude shift that's come over me.

i suddenly feel like i'm on top of the world. i'm only going to check my email and perhaps blog a bit, really, so why this high? nothing fancy or new about me... just the bag i spent less than 14 bucks on in town, after getting a wad of cash out of the NBC ATM in Arusha. maybe it's because everything went so smoothly, or just because i am dwelling so much in God's goodness to me, that i'm frankly forgetting the key to all of this:

once i get to feeling this good, i'm likely to forget where the source of this joy really is.

i am liable to phase God out of the celebration, right at the kick-off.

i am on the verge of doing singleness the wrong way. where i start to get the hyper-inflated sense of self-worth, and my own ability to get involved and actually influence things. me and my intentionally shabby appearance begin to form an ego to go along with the care-freeness of it all.

i gotta remember--and reclaim--the simple truth of this only working if it's only about Jesus. not about being single.
the latter's great and all, but not if it's not filled in by something much, much better!

it's a daily thing: re-working on that. but it's good. just can't get too caught up with the crazy hair and the deadly hyper-inflation of Asher.

Peace.
Jesus.
Love.

-archer

inherently.... which? (or witch?) --An Essay

Good vs. Evil

Joy vs. Suffering

Order vs. Chaos

Enlightenment vs. Endarkenment

Love vs. Hate

Care vs. Indifference

Law vs. Corruption

Which one would you say is more prevalent, of each of these comparisons?

in Lance Morrow's book, Evil: An Investigation, i have come face to face with something i never really wanted to believe or accept. this was perhaps one of my most morbid mistakes i've allowed within my own mind.

i had completely ruled out the possibility that Good was not the Rule of life, that which controls human thought and will. sadly, in this foolishness, i came to think that the world was shot to Hell, because of all the Evil in it at present (which may or may not have increased over the centuries).

looking at this 'Investigation' the Boston University Professor offers us, i find it hard to believe that Evil is not the Rule of life. cast in another light by Jake Pelfrey of the Chicago area, Suffering becomes recognized as the commonplace, with Joy as it's infrequent but always glorious counterpart--the breaking of the Rule.

Joy like a sunflare tears into the darkness created by the original Fall of Man. rather, since i'm not a fan of archaic gender selection, the "Fall of Humanity." ever since that moment--whether or not it's quite physically sound the theological representation of the Fall makes sense enough to me--humans have always been attreacted to their own will and desires. and normally what the human mind can come up with, it can often see as a feasible action. OBVIOUSLY, this is not the case with everything that enters our imagination, for we do not ALL desire absolute Chaos in our lifetime!

but these two writers have shown me the very blunt and dangerously concealable truth that i've been looking at the world in the wrong way. i've seen life and the World's events, both on a microscopic and a mammoth scale to be so devastatingly harsh and unruly, as the very action of breaking the Rule.

however, that thought doesn't stand in light of these recent readings. i find myself so easily contaminated by a hatred of the World's events. i don't think i have a right to complain, since is simply Right that is breaking the Rule. Wrong is left in a ditch to fend for itself as the spears of the righteous (in all facets of life) strike out and tear the darkness.

this revelation forces us to realize how likely it is that the real Evil in the history of the Salem Witch Trials, is the Evil that captivated the minds of those tightening the nooses.

--something just came to mind that should have gently began my conversion to this way of thinking long ago! i just remembered a lyric from the famous U2 song, called "God Part II", where Bono quotes from another famous Christian singer whose name i've forgotten, using the phrase "[i'm] gonna kick the darkness till it bleeds daylight!"

as Pelfrey says in his article on RelevantMagazine.com,
"After reading this I learned that I was looking through foggy eyes of expectation. Instead I should have been looking through the eyes of joy. Suffering should not overwhelm me, but instead I should be staggered by joy when it decides to shine through."

and Morrow points out the problem with conventional archaic views on evil, on page 17,
"Do not bother to demonize people as being inherently evil. That's not how it works. Instead, we should view evil as opportunistic, passing like an electrical through the world and through people; or wandering like an infection that takes up residence in individuals or cultures from time to time."

and again, Morrow addresses the ever-presence of Evil on page 4,
"Without an awareness of evil, people become confused; they fail to anticipate its ruthless possibilities. In the new instantaneous global dimension, it may be catastrophic not to think clearly about evil, not to be aware of what it is capable of doing."

Evil is not necessarily always present and working, but it preys on our already self-centered mind.

i must also say here that there are obvious holes in this outlook, once you look at people who really know God, and really know Jesus. as they begin to look more and more like the Godhead (the Trinity), they begin to have less of themselves and their own will. no person is perfectly free from their own will unless as Paul says in his letter to the Galations, "it is no longer [they] who live, but Christ lives in [them]."(2.20 NLT)

frankly, as far as i see it, this is a person's only way out of the trap where Evil can drift in, as it flows "from place to place along the channels of least resistance." (Morrow, 17) we otherwise become caught up and contaminated by Evil when it comes our way, as it drifts in and out of the minds of humanity. seven billion people on the planet. seems like Evil's got too many doors into this world.

and also, as far as i figure, Jesus is kinda the only way to pure Joy in this world. ergo, from our personal relationships with this Jesus do we encounter his Joy and thus have our own opportunities to share Joy and act in Joy, in Jesus' name.

this all sounds really preachy, i know. but it's the Truth as far as i can tell.

Pelfrey closes his article with this very approapriate subtle prescription for us all, no matter what faith we cling to, and whether or not we know the whole Truth:
"But we also learned that on those days in the dreaded desert, one may find a little flower blooming in the immense heat. Its presence is comforting, and the joy it carries is overpowering."

Amen. May the Peace and Joy of the Lord Jesus Christ dwell in you.
and again i say Amen.

z3r0

my bank account used to be relatively full. like, good enough for me. single, male 19-yr-old book lover who's not materialistic.

but today, in a couple blinks of an eye... credit card, phone, car insurance, and fender bender costs have nearly killed it.

i was a wreck about it earlier today.

the day after i find out YWAM accepts me to the September DTS, i lose whatever financial advantage i had.

the move is killing our family's finances, too. so, they're not really going to be able to support me entirely. i've got pretty close to $2,500 to $3,000 i've gotta raise. right now, look's like by sundown i'm gonna have less than $500 i can actually call my own. in one day i lose about $1,200.

my wastefulness is my sin. these are the wages of my sin. sort of. nice play on words, huh?

as much as i'm dumbfounded by my stupidity and sin, i am at peace with the likelihood that somehow God's still gonna carry me over to Africa. to YWAM. to Tanzania. to my brothers and sisters who will teach me how to be the man of God i will spend the rest of my life trying to be.

God is awesome. and never short of cash. amen.

i'm done with coffee

i love coffee. the flavor, the aroma.... it's all so delicious. i drink it black and i have for like two and a half years. my favorite liquid in the world... aside from unadulterated H2O!!!! ;P

however, after finding out through various sources, what little these coffee farmers survive on... i'm done with any NON-Fair Trade coffees.

it took me about a week and a half, but i weened myself off of the wonderful drink i've been physically and psychologically addicted to for several years.

the first addiction i've really been able to kick. i'm workin on the others. but i'm glad to be free of the bondage of that injustice in my own life. Starbucks usually has Fair Trade coffee people... ask for it next time! please! that's my brother's salary you'll be boosting by buying fair trade!

maybe tonight he'll actually be able to afford a simple dinner for his 7-member family.

PAX.

Julian of Norwich

Julian of Norwich once said, "Sin is necessary, but all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well."

I just remembered this old quote by a very respectable character in history. her name was Julain of Norwich, and i guess she was considered a mystic of sorts.

I don't really know anything much about her, save from her gender and that she was around centuries ago. and that a lot of people like to quote her.

come to think of it, i'm not even entirely sure where i first read this phrase... but i know i wrestled with clearly defining it for a long time. and (wouldn't ya figure) it hits me at the one moment i am actually examining myself, and not even thinking of the quote or anything (or anyone) else.

my mother really prodded me once i printed this off and scotch-taped it to the front of my bedroom door. i couldn't really answer the "why", i just knew there was truth to it.

i just realized that it's meaning is quite obvious:

without sin, we undoubtedly equate ourselves to God. to be equittable with the God responsible for all things in the known and unknown world entirely devalues God. if we did not sin, why would we need God?
It is only in God that i believe we realize who we really are, and that there is only God's way to go. "my way or the highway" pretty much.

i know from experience, the highway gets real old real fast. i think it's high time i realign.

pax.

the only really tough teaching of Jesus...

is obedience. we all have our own ideas of the better way to run things.

and mine is a very liberal method of reform in respects such as fighting terrorism and homelessness.

to fight homelessness, every level of every government must get involved at the core, and earnestly strive to make things better for each individual. otherwise, simply kicking them out of the parks is not gonna cut it. which is obvious in this situation, i hope.

however, it is this phony "war on terror" that really baffles me. i know i sound like i'm just ranting, but this really makes no sense to me. they shoot at innocent civilians and bomb innocent civilians. they're no worse than anoyone else with a gun.

very few terrorists we hear about come from palaces. if any. period.

it is our responsibility as the "Developed World" to assist the "Developing World" otherwise everything collapses one way or another.

It is up to groups and individuals to see the real problem of global poverty here.
because obviously governments in the west are simply NOT understanding the truth. we must make them understand via advocacy, delegation, and simply making a lot of noise!

the problem of terrorism is not in who-has-what-gun...
it's in who-has-no-food.

you wanna fight terrorism, mr. pres... try feeding people who ask for bread.
i dont wanna judge you because i know i'm a lot worse, but i just hope that, as someone in a position of power, you'll remember one very important tough teaching of Jesus:

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" -Matthew 7:9-11

after October 5, 2006 i got sick of yelling at you, mr. pres, because i realized i was just as bad as you. all i did was yell. now i wanna simply advise.

in a couple years i'm gonna be living in another country. maybe i'll even take on a new citizenship. but i'll at least be TRYING to do what you are CHOOSING NOT to do!

you an' me ain't that different, you know. i just see the truth as something i can't hide from. you see t as something to ignore.

i pray your successor's someone actually willing to be used by God.

maybe i'll find it easier to obey them if i see God in their actions.



if i can't forgive you, then i can't forgive myself... just give me time

the half door and the whole new promise!

My new dear friend and comrade named Emily was the half door. The most desperately confusing of my dilemmas was how to hang onto a good friendship with her, in spite of a growing attraction to her that I sensed in myself.

Yesterday, I told her flat out what the issues were within myself. We both feel really good about not trying a romantic relationship or anything of the sort. Friends-with-benefits is also out of the question! We are in fact quite content with simply being there for each other. I need her and I think she needs me.

Today she gave me a book, hiked with me, and let me break through her mask.

DC Talk wrote a book in 2001 called “Live Like a Jesus Freak”, as a companion to their previous book(s) about Jesus Freaks around the world. We’ve been talking a lot in recent days about what it will mean to really live for/like Jesus in our future- and present-tense selfs.

We have talked about Africa, college (and the idea of the lack-thereof), the reality of death and martyrdom for something real, the excitement of having no plans, the possibility of disappearance in order to actually accomplish things, the socio-economic (as well as the natural) stance of Phoenix, Arizona… and just about everything you never hear normal college kids talk about.

We talked about being real and intense and we both agree that we’ve finally met someone as crazy as ourselves! ☺ For we are quite few and far between.

We talked about the Native American reservations, Thailand, Mexico, Tanzania, China, Panama, and Uganda. We talked about how gross suburbs and developments are, and how all they ever do is give birth to themselves (the kind of stable environment that will die out when a new visitor or intruder is introduced). We talked about hating life here in its fakeness and apathy.

We even each tried a taste of some random plant I thought was a mint leaf until I put it in my mouth and thought it might be poison ivy, but thankfully she (being a wannabe Native American!) confirmed for me it is not!

Finally I am breaking out of this place and I am remembering who I exist for, and who I want to exist with. If I live my whole life in steady communication with people like Emily, I have a vague feeling that I should be doing just fine.

This really long blog is an attempt to give Em a shout-out and state that I have re-entered God’s arms for the millionth time in the past year, and maybe with the help of this book she’s given me, I’ll never be truly homesick again.

Thanks, Em.


Peace of Adonai be with you all.

my dad, spiderman, don cheadle, derek webb, evon christian, krissi bernd, the fraser women, punjabican, Jesus...

all my mentors (yes, spiderman currently counts as a temporary mentor :) ) are urging me to do what is right, to fight the good fight and above all-- to do it non-violently.

i am listening to them. i am completely understanding them.

i am relating to them:

"you know the tree by the fruit
just between me and you
i never do what i want
i do what i'm taught
and i've been learning a lot
about the violence i'm capable of"
-Derek Webb, "I Don't Want to Fight"

"Lately things have been going my way. But I have this bad feeling. This darkness I've discovered has a power far greater than anything I could have imagined. It's... intoxicating."
-Spiderman, "Spiderman 3" trailer

and i thought i was learning from them. but somehow i keep seeing violence as some actual frickin plausible mode of change.

"if you beat them at their own game, then you've already lost."
-Evon Christian

i have this concept of doing a lot of good in Africa in a short period of time, and a feeling that i'm gonna die young, lookin down the barrel of a gun i'll think i'd buried long before.

"even if you think there's all this glory in dying for a cause, think about what you'll do to everyone else."
-Stacey Littlefield, my father, my accountability, and my only superhero

i've been wrestling with the possibility of taking up arms in a defensive militia in Africa, with a group of comrades hell-bent of defending the innocent by becoming guilty in their stead. that's what sucks.

"every hero has a dark side." (Asher's translation: "every [human] has a dark side.")
-Spiderman 3 game advert.

i've become aware of my own violence and dangerous capabilities again.

i'm in agreement with no one, especially not God. especially not myself.

so maybe i will die early. maybe i'll be gone in 10 years like my premonition. maybe i'll never get married, maybe i'll live life on the run, but i pray i never have to f*****g take the life of one of my brothers! it is not my right. i am not a killer.

"so i'm walking away from this
before i hurt someone
'cause i'm facing enemies
on both sides of the gun"

and whether you believe he is who he said he was, you've gotta understand the gist of what he said, at least in this one case:

"...let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!"
-Jesus, John 8.7

pax, brothers and sisters.

and for Pete's sake help me out here! besides,
"it takes a village to raise a child".... no idea who said it, but it's true!

"Crippling"

i just spent the past hour and a half working out the kinks in the lyrics of a song i wrote. and now i think i'm done with the first draft.

inspired by the rawness of Derek Webb's newest album. in case you never knew my hardest battle, it's in words finally.
i can really relate to some of Derek's songs... especially the one called "I Don't Want to Fight"

but here's mine...



V1:
I'm not a good Christian
I'm not a good person
Ain't no good about me
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying

Chorus:
19 years down and I haven't frickin' grown
Haven't stayed on top
More than a minute
But i can't stop trying
Or i won't stop sliding

V2:
I'm not really worth it
I'm not going for it
Ain't no success for me
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying

.Chorus.

V3:
I'm not the one to judge you
I'm sure as Hell gonna stop you
Ain't no point in lying
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying

.Chorus.

Bridge:
I'm just crippling
The Body of Christ
Learning to shoot
Just to stop the shooter
I know that I'm wrong
But i want the lesser of two evils.

V4:
So close your eyes, darling
I don't want you to see this
ain't no hope for me
But you got freedom
I'm just the bad guy
With the good intentions
The sinner who won't stop trying
When my words dry up
And i'm killing just to stop the dying



please comment if you read this. i hope you can tell i need feedback.

an inner battle to decide my battlefields...

I have lobbied Congresspersons twice now, for international efforts to really protect the civilians of Darfur in Sudan.

I have shouted in the streets at a war protest on October 5, 2006. I have laid on the cold asphalt in front of the very building i would later delegate to, in solidarity with those needlessly killed in Bush's wars. Inside the federal building, there was hung a portrait of Bush.

I am still trying to subvert his authority.

((I did not elect him. I speak out against many in power in the rich, western world.))

I am still going to subvert their authority.

I am one who is against the rulers who know nothing of the people.
One way or another, baby. for one sin or another, you're goin' down... I'm gonna rescue my brother.

whether in the
Black Block,
Black Bloc,
or Black Box
...i'm going to subvert your rule. i will not play by your rules. i do not have to ignore my family in the rest of the world.
i do not have to put myself above others.
i do not have to buy more crap to please myself.
i do not have to marry.
i do not have to raise a child in this world.
i do not have to get rich quick.
i do not have to say the pledge of allegiance.
i do not have to live with their blood on my hands.
i would rather die with MY blood on YOUR hands.

i am not God. i am not always right. but i know that you are wrong.

in the words of Kokolo, from the Afrobeat Sudan Aid Project (ASAP),

"Mister Sinister, a word with you sir,
Kindly please let me speak my mind,
Mister Sinister, a word with you sir,
Kindly please let me speak my mind...

So much blood upon your hands
How can you make valid claims
To define yourself as civilized?

Murder hides behind your smile
As they fall for your profile
Find another fool to sympathize.

Why, why would i bow to you, Mister Mister Mister?
Why, why would i bow to you, Mister Sinister?"



--Mister Sinister, a word with you sir,
Kindly get the hell out my way!--

{when all else fails, brothers and sisters, never forget why you are fighting}