I've been in an interesting place lately. Like the kind of interesting that spawns from possibilities that seem to stretch beyond one's wildest dreams!
I have a number of possible courses of action to pursue this year.
1. Go to Perth, Australia and work and study at the YWAM (Youth With A Mission) base there for about two years, taking part in a Basic Leadership School and possibly going on outreaches and being a part of ministry within the base's leadership and Christ-centered agenda.
2. Go to Purdue University and carry on my studies as a Political Studies major with minors in German and in Religious Studies.
or...
3. Stay in Lafayette, not necessarily attending Purdue, while working and move into a low-cost apartment in a nearby neighborhood that struggles with poverty and crime, and hang out with kids in the neighborhood, potentially opening doors for a fellowship and community Bible study with people of all ages, and attach the ministry to my church here in Lafayette.
4. Study at Purdue for the fall and spring semesters, save up money to go to Perth to work on staff for the summer next year, and learn the ropes of the base, and consider the BLS (Basic Leadership School) after finishing up my degree.
5. Regardless of where I go, I'll also have the capacity to continue working for the Not For Sale Campaign [to combat human trafficking], since I'm the Deputy State Director here in Indiana, and NFSC will be hosting a seminar at the Perth base later this month, and thus might end up more heavily involved with ministry and practical outreach at the Perth base, or in Australia in general.
The thing is, if I take on either of the first two options, it's possible the opposite will follow in due time, shortly after whichever I do first. And the third and fourth ideas could both also work with the second plan, of attending classes.
I have a lot of my personal demons to fight off before I can be relatively comfortable with jumping into any more involved ministry of any kind. I intend to spend much of my summer walking with The Rabbi and intensely delving into God's word, attempting to fight off some of my deepest rooted sins and learning to act justly, love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God, my beautiful Adonai.
Friends, family, and loved ones, I pray for your guidance, prayers, thoughts, encouragement, advice, and suggestions as I try to seek out what is best and right for my next step in life.
Shalom.
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Friday, September 19, 2008
Two.
"Inti and Ricardo ran into some small boys and went to the house of a young peasant with six children, who received them very well and gave them a lot of information... Posing as one of Inti's assistants, i went to talk to the peasant... He told us about other peasants, but we could not be entirely confident about his information because he was not very specific. El Medico [Moro] treates the children who had worms and a mare had kicked one of them; then we headed off."
--February 9 & 10 [1967]
--Ernesto 'Che' Guevara's Bolivian Diary
"As Jesus continued on toward Jerusalem, he reached the border between Galilee and Samaria. As he entered a village there, ten lepers stood at a distance, crying out, 'Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!' He looked at them and said, 'Go show yourselves to the priests.' And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy."
--Verses 11-14 of Chapter 17
--Luke's Gospel, New Living Translation
two revolutionaries interested in the health and reality of the people around them as they strive to make a change.
both died by the age of 40, working, fighting, labouring, striving, living, dying for the people they cared for and loved.
Salaams.
--February 9 & 10 [1967]
--Ernesto 'Che' Guevara's Bolivian Diary
"As Jesus continued on toward Jerusalem, he reached the border between Galilee and Samaria. As he entered a village there, ten lepers stood at a distance, crying out, 'Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!' He looked at them and said, 'Go show yourselves to the priests.' And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy."
--Verses 11-14 of Chapter 17
--Luke's Gospel, New Living Translation
two revolutionaries interested in the health and reality of the people around them as they strive to make a change.
both died by the age of 40, working, fighting, labouring, striving, living, dying for the people they cared for and loved.
Salaams.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
~a poli sci major~
that's what i am.
and i'm proud of it
excited for it
intoxicated by it
never thought i'd see the day where i'd love class ha!
not when i was in seventh grade, no way, man!
but here i am, loving all my classes!
it's strange, but totally cool!
you know it's a good class when you're unable to sit still, leaning forward too eagerly, laughing too much, and smiling like an idiot. normally those would all be signs of lunacy. or, perhaps, even now they are! either way, i've really enjoyed my four classes so far!
Chinese 101: Introduction to Chinese
Political Science 130: American Government
Political Science 280: Comparative Political Systems
History 202: American History 1877-Present
this morning, sitting in my Pols 130 class, i couldn't help but feel a lot like i do when i listen to Coldplay's 'Viva la Vida'! yesterday afternoon, for class, i read the Declaration of Independence and was struck by the similarities of all the things Jefferson indicated warranting a revolt, and all the things that've pissed me off about the Bush administration.
the problem is that there's not enough to engage the masses in such a movement against the standing government. the Declaration even outlines the need and permissions for "abolishing" the government if "abuses" continue. Jefferson also makes allowance for the larger portion of the colonists being willing to "suffer, as long as evils are sufferable" and to feel no larger reason to take action and declare a new Rule.
at this point, in all fairness, what i perceive to be evils in the current government's way of handling things, are not entirely insufferable. i recognize that there is little that can be done at this point, save from joining movements that wage a more figurative war, fought by the People and for the People, in the modes of the common People.
armed struggle is not even yet a remote option. there's not yet any need. as long as there is any semblance of democratic form in the government that stands in reign today, there is certainly apt opportunity to change for the better, to sacrifice the goods of the few for the good of the many.
i am not opposed to armed struggle under duress, in such a situation as it becomes the unavoidable last straw.
UPRISING, the film:
the Jews are being marched out of the ghetto for the express purpose of being carted out to the concentration camps and extermination camps.
a covert handful of the Jews is armed.
as they turn a corner and the column of Nazi troops is no longer connected in a direct line, madness and chaos interrupt the stoic march as this collective of citizen-soldiers opens fire on the soldiers that would coral them to their deaths.
one bullet, one Nazi.
in this firefight there is an open for hope to eek into the darkness of the ghetto.
the Nazis take a surprisingly long time to deal with the uprising, and by the time everything is dealt with, entire companies of soldiers have been exhausted against less than 50 untrained, passionate rebels.
it's in this saga of struggle and sweat and blood that some of the Jews make it to freedom via the sewers. in this saga justice is the victor.
...
i am a political science major, hell-bent on bringing heaven to earth, even if for a fleeting moment, in the lives of the oppressed.
i don't want enemies, but it comes with the territory.
it's the kind of life and future that i must lay everything else down for, and it is so incredibly exciting to be getting more and more involved with other people who are willing to fight and die for such a beautiful cause as justice, for such a sacredness as Shalom.
i'm going deeper.
the oxygen down here is sparse
many will fall back before the end
many will faint
and before i can even get there
many will be lost
but i will not stop.
as long as there is injustice in the world, the Christian's work is not finished.
the Disciple of a Just God must learn to love Justice... and to love it so much that the thirst for it burns in their throat in the most difficult of global regions, while they know that there will be no way to quench such a divine thirst without expending oneself completely in the struggle for truth and beauty and justice.
let it be a final song, perfectly in tune with God's greatest masterpiece!
Shalom, sisters and brothers.
and i'm proud of it
excited for it
intoxicated by it
never thought i'd see the day where i'd love class ha!
not when i was in seventh grade, no way, man!
but here i am, loving all my classes!
it's strange, but totally cool!
you know it's a good class when you're unable to sit still, leaning forward too eagerly, laughing too much, and smiling like an idiot. normally those would all be signs of lunacy. or, perhaps, even now they are! either way, i've really enjoyed my four classes so far!
Chinese 101: Introduction to Chinese
Political Science 130: American Government
Political Science 280: Comparative Political Systems
History 202: American History 1877-Present
this morning, sitting in my Pols 130 class, i couldn't help but feel a lot like i do when i listen to Coldplay's 'Viva la Vida'! yesterday afternoon, for class, i read the Declaration of Independence and was struck by the similarities of all the things Jefferson indicated warranting a revolt, and all the things that've pissed me off about the Bush administration.
the problem is that there's not enough to engage the masses in such a movement against the standing government. the Declaration even outlines the need and permissions for "abolishing" the government if "abuses" continue. Jefferson also makes allowance for the larger portion of the colonists being willing to "suffer, as long as evils are sufferable" and to feel no larger reason to take action and declare a new Rule.
at this point, in all fairness, what i perceive to be evils in the current government's way of handling things, are not entirely insufferable. i recognize that there is little that can be done at this point, save from joining movements that wage a more figurative war, fought by the People and for the People, in the modes of the common People.
armed struggle is not even yet a remote option. there's not yet any need. as long as there is any semblance of democratic form in the government that stands in reign today, there is certainly apt opportunity to change for the better, to sacrifice the goods of the few for the good of the many.
i am not opposed to armed struggle under duress, in such a situation as it becomes the unavoidable last straw.
UPRISING, the film:
the Jews are being marched out of the ghetto for the express purpose of being carted out to the concentration camps and extermination camps.
a covert handful of the Jews is armed.
as they turn a corner and the column of Nazi troops is no longer connected in a direct line, madness and chaos interrupt the stoic march as this collective of citizen-soldiers opens fire on the soldiers that would coral them to their deaths.
one bullet, one Nazi.
in this firefight there is an open for hope to eek into the darkness of the ghetto.
the Nazis take a surprisingly long time to deal with the uprising, and by the time everything is dealt with, entire companies of soldiers have been exhausted against less than 50 untrained, passionate rebels.
it's in this saga of struggle and sweat and blood that some of the Jews make it to freedom via the sewers. in this saga justice is the victor.
...
i am a political science major, hell-bent on bringing heaven to earth, even if for a fleeting moment, in the lives of the oppressed.
i don't want enemies, but it comes with the territory.
it's the kind of life and future that i must lay everything else down for, and it is so incredibly exciting to be getting more and more involved with other people who are willing to fight and die for such a beautiful cause as justice, for such a sacredness as Shalom.
i'm going deeper.
the oxygen down here is sparse
many will fall back before the end
many will faint
and before i can even get there
many will be lost
but i will not stop.
as long as there is injustice in the world, the Christian's work is not finished.
the Disciple of a Just God must learn to love Justice... and to love it so much that the thirst for it burns in their throat in the most difficult of global regions, while they know that there will be no way to quench such a divine thirst without expending oneself completely in the struggle for truth and beauty and justice.
let it be a final song, perfectly in tune with God's greatest masterpiece!
Shalom, sisters and brothers.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
to be is not to be good enough, right? wrong...
a lot of people i trust have told me that God really just wants us to BE with him, to delve in his presence and exist side-by-side, heart-to-heart.
i believe that
but indelibly
i recognize i am a flawed reflection
of that.
as i'm going to divulge later to a dear friend and confidant, in far more detail than i shall here, i have realized that i fall into the trap of either of two extremes...
i either focus immensely on doing too much and planning too much for my life in the future, as well as in the present, or i fail to plan, entirely, and the moment the hope of something in the future fails, i feel as though i am truly alone, and i start wishing i had an other person with whom things could be... "significant."
and then usually, that doesn't end up getting me anywhere without too much pain, for i fail to factor in all that i've ever hoped to DO, and the BEING of that relationship fails.
kapput.
back to square one.
and the moment i plan too much i am attacked for not giving God room to work in my life and in my future, and i am forced to reckon with my loneliness again, even though i was doing a darn good job keeping it at bay as long as i had a task at hand or even simply a few distant, adventurous goals.
i don't like that i do this, and perhaps i'm not the only one struggling with this, but i am the only one who's made it plain to my brain that anyone's dealing with this. ergo, i shall make plans, for to not have any plans would simply be too painful...
but maybe if i find a way to make room for God's plans along the way in mine, maybe then i'll get it right...
i just wonder what kind of girl would be willing to do a journey around southeast Asia, north Africa, or Latin America on motorcycle (or two) in the style of Ernesto Guevara's "Motorcycle Diaries"; what kind of girl would be willing to leave this country for long spurts at a time and travel spartan across deserts and jungles, just to find the truth of human rights in a given corner of earth; what kind of girl would be willing to put any remote possibility of family on hold for up to a decade simply to travel with me, with our God, and with our desire to serve anyone we encounter, at our own expense.
that's what i wonder, and that's why it's always looked easier to roll solo down the road.
God, since you're in charge, you tell me what i need to do, or how i need to be, ok?
ok.
thanks.
i believe that
but indelibly
i recognize i am a flawed reflection
of that.
as i'm going to divulge later to a dear friend and confidant, in far more detail than i shall here, i have realized that i fall into the trap of either of two extremes...
i either focus immensely on doing too much and planning too much for my life in the future, as well as in the present, or i fail to plan, entirely, and the moment the hope of something in the future fails, i feel as though i am truly alone, and i start wishing i had an other person with whom things could be... "significant."
and then usually, that doesn't end up getting me anywhere without too much pain, for i fail to factor in all that i've ever hoped to DO, and the BEING of that relationship fails.
kapput.
back to square one.
and the moment i plan too much i am attacked for not giving God room to work in my life and in my future, and i am forced to reckon with my loneliness again, even though i was doing a darn good job keeping it at bay as long as i had a task at hand or even simply a few distant, adventurous goals.
i don't like that i do this, and perhaps i'm not the only one struggling with this, but i am the only one who's made it plain to my brain that anyone's dealing with this. ergo, i shall make plans, for to not have any plans would simply be too painful...
but maybe if i find a way to make room for God's plans along the way in mine, maybe then i'll get it right...
i just wonder what kind of girl would be willing to do a journey around southeast Asia, north Africa, or Latin America on motorcycle (or two) in the style of Ernesto Guevara's "Motorcycle Diaries"; what kind of girl would be willing to leave this country for long spurts at a time and travel spartan across deserts and jungles, just to find the truth of human rights in a given corner of earth; what kind of girl would be willing to put any remote possibility of family on hold for up to a decade simply to travel with me, with our God, and with our desire to serve anyone we encounter, at our own expense.
that's what i wonder, and that's why it's always looked easier to roll solo down the road.
God, since you're in charge, you tell me what i need to do, or how i need to be, ok?
ok.
thanks.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
what if i stumble, what if i fall?
as Rob Bell has pointed out in one of his sermon's i've watched, everything is spiritual. there is to be no separation between our spirits and our bodies.
if that be the case then why do i struggle to stand so often?
i have many close friends whom i look to for guidance in life, people i imagine to be more strongly in touch with the Father. i look to them when i am weak in my walk. i look to them when i don't feel weak even (which may be when i am truly weakest, at times) and i see their example to be almost unattainable.
as many have struggled with over the years, i wonder if i am no longer simply IN the world, and if i've not become, somewhere along my self-infatuated path, OF the world.
in my efforts to be relevant i've only weakened the message and power of the Gospel.
each time i think i'm starting to get back on track i see that a friend is so much MORE excited about God than i am, and that they broadcast it more publicly than i. and i crumple, for i do not wish to be like them. i do not want to be known simply for shouting on and on of how much i'm in love with Jesus. i don't want to look to people like Jesus is all that i think about, though he most often is EXACTLY what i wish i could be channeled into 100% of the time. i just don't want to come across as though i'm saying i am "holier than thou". which is perhaps what i feel like when i look at others so seemingly in love with Jesus and at peace for it.
and this is the part in the story where i realize it is incredibly likely i am frankly OF the world.
and i don't know how to regain my stance of being in, and not of...
i see now that i am avoiding exactly what i want because i hate the idea of being titled and labeled and named as "one of them". it is not fear of association, as much as it is fear of being stuck, dependent under one title, one label alone.
and yet as much as i know my only real claim to any identity comes through Christ's claim on me, as a human trying to make an impact, and avoid stereotypes, i try to outrun his grace, love, and possession of my heart that i absolutely want him alone to have.
i am a stupid mule who is ignoring the call of the only farmer who will give me rest from the cold, tired world, just because i don't want to be seen as the one who wimped out and couldn't make it on his own. even though i know it is the best possible thing in this world for me, and maybe there's not even enough people watching me to see me "wimp out."
a strange place indeed, Watson.
if that be the case then why do i struggle to stand so often?
i have many close friends whom i look to for guidance in life, people i imagine to be more strongly in touch with the Father. i look to them when i am weak in my walk. i look to them when i don't feel weak even (which may be when i am truly weakest, at times) and i see their example to be almost unattainable.
as many have struggled with over the years, i wonder if i am no longer simply IN the world, and if i've not become, somewhere along my self-infatuated path, OF the world.
in my efforts to be relevant i've only weakened the message and power of the Gospel.
each time i think i'm starting to get back on track i see that a friend is so much MORE excited about God than i am, and that they broadcast it more publicly than i. and i crumple, for i do not wish to be like them. i do not want to be known simply for shouting on and on of how much i'm in love with Jesus. i don't want to look to people like Jesus is all that i think about, though he most often is EXACTLY what i wish i could be channeled into 100% of the time. i just don't want to come across as though i'm saying i am "holier than thou". which is perhaps what i feel like when i look at others so seemingly in love with Jesus and at peace for it.
and this is the part in the story where i realize it is incredibly likely i am frankly OF the world.
and i don't know how to regain my stance of being in, and not of...
i see now that i am avoiding exactly what i want because i hate the idea of being titled and labeled and named as "one of them". it is not fear of association, as much as it is fear of being stuck, dependent under one title, one label alone.
and yet as much as i know my only real claim to any identity comes through Christ's claim on me, as a human trying to make an impact, and avoid stereotypes, i try to outrun his grace, love, and possession of my heart that i absolutely want him alone to have.
i am a stupid mule who is ignoring the call of the only farmer who will give me rest from the cold, tired world, just because i don't want to be seen as the one who wimped out and couldn't make it on his own. even though i know it is the best possible thing in this world for me, and maybe there's not even enough people watching me to see me "wimp out."
a strange place indeed, Watson.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
"breathing through fear"
two days ago i walked outside during my break in the middle of my math class in order to step into the warm, breezy, dark afternoon sphere that captivated my attention in every waking moment that day until i stood in it.
i had been reading a moving, strange poem written in 1968 by a man named Juan Gelman of Argentina, entitled "Conversations."
centered around the author's feelings in relation to the recent loss in the hero named Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, the words stirred in me a desire to write verse.
and after my walk, barefoot through the mud around a new building site on campus, i sat down in the classroom in the moments before we reinitiated the lecture and put pen to the paper, finding within me, these words:
"Breathing Through Fear"
[Archer. 22 July 2008]
it's funny to me the heads that turn
the eyes that burn into me, my jacket,
my beloved Esther alive in earth tones,
ensconced in warm dirt and clay.
i walk unshod
the sole figure
an embraced soul
the bleedings soles
through the mud
and burning sand
spirit in hand
the wind dies
to just a whisper
i tread through treads
of yellow beasts far bigger than i
holding my own
breathing through fear
thick in the air
He in my ear
He, the wind, and my warm feet
what else could i need?
.PAX.
-Archer
i had been reading a moving, strange poem written in 1968 by a man named Juan Gelman of Argentina, entitled "Conversations."
centered around the author's feelings in relation to the recent loss in the hero named Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, the words stirred in me a desire to write verse.
and after my walk, barefoot through the mud around a new building site on campus, i sat down in the classroom in the moments before we reinitiated the lecture and put pen to the paper, finding within me, these words:
"Breathing Through Fear"
[Archer. 22 July 2008]
it's funny to me the heads that turn
the eyes that burn into me, my jacket,
my beloved Esther alive in earth tones,
ensconced in warm dirt and clay.
i walk unshod
the sole figure
an embraced soul
the bleedings soles
through the mud
and burning sand
spirit in hand
the wind dies
to just a whisper
i tread through treads
of yellow beasts far bigger than i
holding my own
breathing through fear
thick in the air
He in my ear
He, the wind, and my warm feet
what else could i need?
.PAX.
-Archer
a journey renewed... again.
if anyone reading this has known me well for over a year you'll definitely recognize these sentiments, especially if i knew you at the end of my spring semester at Lakeland. and there may be a few of you who recognize these exact thoughts if i spoke with you about this in Africa.
i wrote this a week ago in an attempt to understand myself and get some things out on paper. it was unfinished, but maybe i'll like it better this way.
--
my mind is racing. the Jesus of Peace. the God of Justice--would they think this right?
a monster taking on the bigger monster.
theoretically, in being armed, i can kill.
i can take life. not yet, for i am thus far unarmed,
but in the future. three, four, maybe five years, and i'll have the capacity.
but can i pull the trigger?
what hat will i wear?
will i be undercover?
will i be a badge?
or don a suit?
what about combat boots, camo, and a bandana?
will i go guerilla to "seek justice"?
will i be seen as a terrorist, murderer, snake?
or will i even ever really take a life?
in defending the poor and oppressed, will the Prince of Peace fade to the background?
will his call be lost in gunfire?
will i ignore his will?
if no one is to perish, perhaps i can help, and simply aim low-- just high and hard enough to bring them down so they cannot rise again.
can i shatter your bones in your legs and kick your face into the mud and know that you'll walk away from your crime?
--
tell me what you all think, please. every time i think this way i find something that swings me back to the other extreme end of the pendulum and i loathe any hint of violence.
and then again i see violence succeed in releasing captives of cruelty.
and then i remember there's no such thing as redemptive violence.
and then i think to myself, "is rescuing violence the same as redemptive violence?"
war is not the answer. invasion is wrong. occupation is wrong. but what about insurrection? what about violent uprising within a country in order to gain liberation?
i am stuck. i could go for a coffee date or a phone call with anyone interested in talking about this stuff.
peace.
amani.
veritas.
i wrote this a week ago in an attempt to understand myself and get some things out on paper. it was unfinished, but maybe i'll like it better this way.
--
my mind is racing. the Jesus of Peace. the God of Justice--would they think this right?
a monster taking on the bigger monster.
theoretically, in being armed, i can kill.
i can take life. not yet, for i am thus far unarmed,
but in the future. three, four, maybe five years, and i'll have the capacity.
but can i pull the trigger?
what hat will i wear?
will i be undercover?
will i be a badge?
or don a suit?
what about combat boots, camo, and a bandana?
will i go guerilla to "seek justice"?
will i be seen as a terrorist, murderer, snake?
or will i even ever really take a life?
in defending the poor and oppressed, will the Prince of Peace fade to the background?
will his call be lost in gunfire?
will i ignore his will?
if no one is to perish, perhaps i can help, and simply aim low-- just high and hard enough to bring them down so they cannot rise again.
can i shatter your bones in your legs and kick your face into the mud and know that you'll walk away from your crime?
--
tell me what you all think, please. every time i think this way i find something that swings me back to the other extreme end of the pendulum and i loathe any hint of violence.
and then again i see violence succeed in releasing captives of cruelty.
and then i remember there's no such thing as redemptive violence.
and then i think to myself, "is rescuing violence the same as redemptive violence?"
war is not the answer. invasion is wrong. occupation is wrong. but what about insurrection? what about violent uprising within a country in order to gain liberation?
i am stuck. i could go for a coffee date or a phone call with anyone interested in talking about this stuff.
peace.
amani.
veritas.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
i have a dilemma...
...that makes me feel childish, yet i am nearly twenty.
it is possible that someone is reading this who knows very well the person to whom i am referring, when i state that i have likely royally screwed up a friendship with someone i never got the chance to get too close to, before i went and buggered it up with short-sighted remedies of simple anxiety. and now, i am afraid to lose her friendship because she seems really cool.
maybe i'll get another chance, but for the time being, pray as i might for things to return to normalcy, i have no idea how i must act to fix this for the long-term.
anyone who's known me more than a year can gather a fuller extent of info simply based on experience with me. yeah, it's probably what you're thinking. and yeah, i need help, and suggestions.
this'd be so much easier if i just knew more people here. then i'd have balanced everything out to begin with, but i didn't know hardly anyone else, so i messed up by focusing so intently on one friendship that i frankly blew a hole in whatever had been built up.
tonight i went out with some guys from church (all at least 3 or 4 years older than me, which made me feel special) to see Leatherheads, after watching some Rob Bell sermon stuff at bible study, and it was really helpful to get out again, with GUYS!!!! when the freak did THAT last happen?! it was cool.
balance is re-taking what it once held to its own, and hopefully with this balance, and with my striving to give her just the right amount of space, there will be healing, and i will rejoice in that. for now, though, i'm content to be working in the right direction, and asking God to help me get there.
pax, everyone.
it is possible that someone is reading this who knows very well the person to whom i am referring, when i state that i have likely royally screwed up a friendship with someone i never got the chance to get too close to, before i went and buggered it up with short-sighted remedies of simple anxiety. and now, i am afraid to lose her friendship because she seems really cool.
maybe i'll get another chance, but for the time being, pray as i might for things to return to normalcy, i have no idea how i must act to fix this for the long-term.
anyone who's known me more than a year can gather a fuller extent of info simply based on experience with me. yeah, it's probably what you're thinking. and yeah, i need help, and suggestions.
this'd be so much easier if i just knew more people here. then i'd have balanced everything out to begin with, but i didn't know hardly anyone else, so i messed up by focusing so intently on one friendship that i frankly blew a hole in whatever had been built up.
tonight i went out with some guys from church (all at least 3 or 4 years older than me, which made me feel special) to see Leatherheads, after watching some Rob Bell sermon stuff at bible study, and it was really helpful to get out again, with GUYS!!!! when the freak did THAT last happen?! it was cool.
balance is re-taking what it once held to its own, and hopefully with this balance, and with my striving to give her just the right amount of space, there will be healing, and i will rejoice in that. for now, though, i'm content to be working in the right direction, and asking God to help me get there.
pax, everyone.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Sunday!
today is the first sunday i've had off work since like two months ago! the weather outside is bloody brilliant!
(here's a look at my view from the library's second floor! and then one of me, chillin here, too!)
in about an hour and a half i'll have walked across a lovely little wooden bridge over a creek through many green backyards, and arrived at the house of some friends from church where i'll be worshipping with them together in the setting of their home church... i.e. church done the way it once was, back 2000 years ago... including a taco bar when we're finished haha! (ok, maybe peter, paul, and mary never had quite this kind of fiesta, but you get the picture!)
i had a lovely lunch, drove around a bit with the windows down, blasting great music and enjoying the view (for once, Indiana's farms actually become incredibly appealing lol!) and now, as you know, i'm chillin at the library while micah reads and i watch a couple old-school episodes of Disney channel's 'So Weird'... from like seriously 6 or 7 years ago! man this show rocks!
as i've come to discover... Peace is good, it is very good indeed.
PAX.
-archer
(here's a look at my view from the library's second floor! and then one of me, chillin here, too!)
in about an hour and a half i'll have walked across a lovely little wooden bridge over a creek through many green backyards, and arrived at the house of some friends from church where i'll be worshipping with them together in the setting of their home church... i.e. church done the way it once was, back 2000 years ago... including a taco bar when we're finished haha! (ok, maybe peter, paul, and mary never had quite this kind of fiesta, but you get the picture!)
i had a lovely lunch, drove around a bit with the windows down, blasting great music and enjoying the view (for once, Indiana's farms actually become incredibly appealing lol!) and now, as you know, i'm chillin at the library while micah reads and i watch a couple old-school episodes of Disney channel's 'So Weird'... from like seriously 6 or 7 years ago! man this show rocks!
as i've come to discover... Peace is good, it is very good indeed.
PAX.
-archer
Monday, February 11, 2008
probably strange... came out of nowhere, huh?
Hey everyone, i know this probably seems to have come out of freakin nowhere! and to some extent it did. i'm finally having a some time alone with God, at this very moment, and i just wanted to say how beautiful God really is.
i personally forget it all too often. maybe we all do. i encourage us all to turn to our God, and seek the truth of his love and grace, and the beauty of his face.
without him, i'd have nothing real to offer anyone on here. i don't remember who said this, but i love it:
"what a man is, on his knees, before the LORD,
that he is, and nothing more."
yeah, sounds about right. i know i play myself and my work up (personally just me, i'm saying) to be something big. i really do believe it is. but i think i put too much of the guts and glory on myself whenever i start talking about my activism. this was never the intended outcome. but it happens all too often. i love my work, i love what i do! but i can't let it be the main focus of my heart, or else my heart will shrivel and dry up under strain and pressure. this is where God comes in, and if i'm diligent about going back to him, then i'll have no issues of how strong and full my heart is. my God is a God who loves and cares so deeply for ALL his children. he'd do anything (and did everything) to see his children get the best for them, in this life!
my God definitely cares about human rights, if he cares at all about his children. i like to think my work is done with him, as a friend and partner and servant and son, all at the same time. this way i can do it with perfect love even if my actions do not seem perfect.
PAX.
i personally forget it all too often. maybe we all do. i encourage us all to turn to our God, and seek the truth of his love and grace, and the beauty of his face.
without him, i'd have nothing real to offer anyone on here. i don't remember who said this, but i love it:
"what a man is, on his knees, before the LORD,
that he is, and nothing more."
yeah, sounds about right. i know i play myself and my work up (personally just me, i'm saying) to be something big. i really do believe it is. but i think i put too much of the guts and glory on myself whenever i start talking about my activism. this was never the intended outcome. but it happens all too often. i love my work, i love what i do! but i can't let it be the main focus of my heart, or else my heart will shrivel and dry up under strain and pressure. this is where God comes in, and if i'm diligent about going back to him, then i'll have no issues of how strong and full my heart is. my God is a God who loves and cares so deeply for ALL his children. he'd do anything (and did everything) to see his children get the best for them, in this life!
my God definitely cares about human rights, if he cares at all about his children. i like to think my work is done with him, as a friend and partner and servant and son, all at the same time. this way i can do it with perfect love even if my actions do not seem perfect.
PAX.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
why, oh why does the bluebird sing?
if you see a bluebird singing, and you ask him why he is, he ought to have a good reason for stringing together a song.
if he doesn't have a good reason, then you may politely ask him to be quiet.
if he doesn't take a hint, just tell him to shut up and sit down.
if he still doesn't abide... cuff 'im.
and then he'll have to come up with a good defense for court.
....
if you see or hear me making a lot of noise and standing firmly on something, and you ask me why i feel as i do, i ought to have a good reason for roping together my slogans and outcries.
if i don't have a good foundation, then you may politely ask me to be quiet.
hopefully i will.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, i kindly request that you challenge me to know why i believe and say the things which i believe and say.
i will tell you i believe in a God of love, because i am in love with him.
i will tell you i believe in a world of suffering, and i probably don't need to point to all the evidence--we see and feel it every day.
i will tell you i believe in justice, because without it, somebody would've already pulled the trigger of the pistol pointed at my head.
i will tell you i believe in Jesus, because without him being a servant would have no rewards--and i would not personally like being on the floor, washing your feet.
i will tell you i believe in evolution, because there's a fossil record to back it up, and such beauty and ingenuity in the designs that span the eras that we would be cheating God to say humanity was the first on his canvas.
i will tell you i believe in a God of love, because we humans have been created in his image, a specific design set apart from everything else on the fossil record--beginning with the Old Man (Adam) and culminating in the New Man (Jesus, Son of David)--that we may have love and compassion for our neighbors (and even our enemies)... that we may grow closer to one another, and, most importantly, to him.
i will tell you this because this is one thing i must stand for, and i beg you never to make me sit down and shut up about.
i would prefer, without a doubt, with every ounce of devotion, humility, and eagerness to be no greater than my master (Matthew 10.24b), that you see that i will not abide, and that you cuff me.
you have no choice...
"...Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, "Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Then feed my sheep. (John 21.17b NLT) Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdest thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldest not." (John 21.18 KJV)
...another shall gird me, and carry me whither i wouldest not.
if he doesn't have a good reason, then you may politely ask him to be quiet.
if he doesn't take a hint, just tell him to shut up and sit down.
if he still doesn't abide... cuff 'im.
and then he'll have to come up with a good defense for court.
....
if you see or hear me making a lot of noise and standing firmly on something, and you ask me why i feel as i do, i ought to have a good reason for roping together my slogans and outcries.
if i don't have a good foundation, then you may politely ask me to be quiet.
hopefully i will.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, i kindly request that you challenge me to know why i believe and say the things which i believe and say.
i will tell you i believe in a God of love, because i am in love with him.
i will tell you i believe in a world of suffering, and i probably don't need to point to all the evidence--we see and feel it every day.
i will tell you i believe in justice, because without it, somebody would've already pulled the trigger of the pistol pointed at my head.
i will tell you i believe in Jesus, because without him being a servant would have no rewards--and i would not personally like being on the floor, washing your feet.
i will tell you i believe in evolution, because there's a fossil record to back it up, and such beauty and ingenuity in the designs that span the eras that we would be cheating God to say humanity was the first on his canvas.
i will tell you i believe in a God of love, because we humans have been created in his image, a specific design set apart from everything else on the fossil record--beginning with the Old Man (Adam) and culminating in the New Man (Jesus, Son of David)--that we may have love and compassion for our neighbors (and even our enemies)... that we may grow closer to one another, and, most importantly, to him.
i will tell you this because this is one thing i must stand for, and i beg you never to make me sit down and shut up about.
i would prefer, without a doubt, with every ounce of devotion, humility, and eagerness to be no greater than my master (Matthew 10.24b), that you see that i will not abide, and that you cuff me.
you have no choice...
"...Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, "Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Then feed my sheep. (John 21.17b NLT) Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdest thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldest not." (John 21.18 KJV)
...another shall gird me, and carry me whither i wouldest not.
Monday, December 24, 2007
MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wish you all a Merry Christmas!
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a happy holiday.
I hope you'll enjoy today's special day of love.
I hope you know what a huge gift has been given to us about 2000 years ago. And the most amazing thing is that this gift still lasts. It's not that you use that gift a few weeks and then it breaks or it becomes useless, no, it will always be useful and it will never break.
The gift I'm talking about is Jesus. He is the hugest present I ever received. God gave him to me and to all others who want to receive this gift.
Today we celebrate the the birth of Christ and the reason why so many people believe in this awesome God; LOVE!
God gave his own son to save us humans and the reason why he did this is the love he has for us humans.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
God bless You
-Krissi
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a happy holiday.
I hope you'll enjoy today's special day of love.
I hope you know what a huge gift has been given to us about 2000 years ago. And the most amazing thing is that this gift still lasts. It's not that you use that gift a few weeks and then it breaks or it becomes useless, no, it will always be useful and it will never break.
The gift I'm talking about is Jesus. He is the hugest present I ever received. God gave him to me and to all others who want to receive this gift.
Today we celebrate the the birth of Christ and the reason why so many people believe in this awesome God; LOVE!
God gave his own son to save us humans and the reason why he did this is the love he has for us humans.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
God bless You
-Krissi
Saturday, December 8, 2007
an amendment to my reading list
not a fan of serial killer novels. thought i could go with 'The Poet', mentioned a few posts ago, but no-siree-bob! it wasn't exactly of the calibre of "film noir" which is what i'd hoped for. with was worse than Law & Order SVU.
not my thing. especially since lately it's just been the last book i've been in the mood to pick up. i pulled it out of my satchel (which is with me no matter where i am, no matter what room on the base i'm occupying!)--an incredibly huge step since i over-pack to compensate for any kind of mood i might be in for various reading material. frankly pulling it out was a huge vote of no confidence!
it just isn't edifying. i think i'm finally beginning to face things the way my dad does. he's got a knack for removing books and movies that won't do his psyche (or more importantly, his relationship with Jesus) any good, and he sacks 'em, reads or watches something better, and never misses a beat in life.
i think i'm finally growing up and getting to that point in my walk with the Son of God. i just don't want filler crap any more.
feels good to put this novel behind me for good!
PAX.
not my thing. especially since lately it's just been the last book i've been in the mood to pick up. i pulled it out of my satchel (which is with me no matter where i am, no matter what room on the base i'm occupying!)--an incredibly huge step since i over-pack to compensate for any kind of mood i might be in for various reading material. frankly pulling it out was a huge vote of no confidence!
it just isn't edifying. i think i'm finally beginning to face things the way my dad does. he's got a knack for removing books and movies that won't do his psyche (or more importantly, his relationship with Jesus) any good, and he sacks 'em, reads or watches something better, and never misses a beat in life.
i think i'm finally growing up and getting to that point in my walk with the Son of God. i just don't want filler crap any more.
feels good to put this novel behind me for good!
PAX.
Rose with Dirty Feet
i scrambled frantically around while the rest of my class was still singing worship songs in the classroom, across the courtyard. i collected a large plastic basin from the showers in the guy's restroom, my own bath towel, and an 8-inch ceramic bowl from the kitchen, filling it carefully with the cleanest water i could, since the base has been running on muddy water for the past 48 hours.
the words of John's gospel (chapter 13:1-17) pulsing through my heart as i try to make sense of what just entered my mind while looking across the classroom, singing Swahili spirituals, my eyes locked on a woman named Rose. she'll be leaving our DTS early because she's pregnant and probably about to pop. she won't be doing the outreach, but she'll be able to re-attend just that phase of any of the upcoming DTSes next year.
our leader explained Rose's farewell story to us after we finished eating, and our speaker for the week prayed over her, preparing her for the journey ahead, along the road home, across the breadth of Tanzania.
as the singing began, Jesus' action and words in John's gospel stabbed into me from no place i can imagine. origin-less, these thoughts led me to take another drag on my coke bottle, setting it down on the table in front of me again, and then exitting the chorus.
coming back across the courtyard now, mission accomplished, i was steadily carrying a basin, cradling a bowl and my big brown towel, praying in the dark of night that i wasn't spilling anything. i didn't understand where this had come from.
Jesus, i haven't done this in years. is this really your idea? am i gonna look really vain? i feel like an attention grabber.
10 minutes later, i was on my knees in a room only occupied by myself and three others, dipping my clumsy, lanky white hands into the bowl, and carrying water carefully over to Rose's feet waiting in the basin.
"Maji baridi?"
"Ndiyo."
She hisses. i've just told her that yes, the water will be cold.
"Pole." (Sorry.)
at first the water invokes a recoil on her part, but soon, as Paul reads the story in John 13, from his Swahili Bible, seated next to her, i am lost in the one i am imitating.
first the right foot, then she withdraws it, dried to the touch, and offers her left foot, just as thickened, toughened, and scarred as the first. her brown skin is difficult to gauge concerning it's cleanliness, but i'm thorough anyway. and then finishing up, i wipe it dry with my towel, draped in a bundle over my right shoulder.
she blesses me quietly ("Mungu aku bariki.") as i look up at her when i finish, pulling away the basin and bowl, drying up the floor where Jesus had humbled me. Paul finishes reading, closing the bible, unable to meet my eyes, because his are watering up. not because of what i've done, i'm sure, but because Rose is one of his best friends here, and she's leaving too soon. i hug them both, resting my head on both shoulders in turn, and then just as quietly as i'd begun, i'm done, and take my leave.
suddenly all i want is to be alone with Jesus.
suddenly all i can think about is Jesus, the Son of Man whom i've just imitated and obeyed.
and suddenly i get why i did it.
it had nothing to do with Rose, really. she may or may not remember the mzungu who washed her feet, several months from now, while caring for her sixth child in its infant stages. but i'll remember how captive i suddenly was to Jesus.
and he'll remember what it was like to have, on this rare occassion, my full attention.
PAX.
the words of John's gospel (chapter 13:1-17) pulsing through my heart as i try to make sense of what just entered my mind while looking across the classroom, singing Swahili spirituals, my eyes locked on a woman named Rose. she'll be leaving our DTS early because she's pregnant and probably about to pop. she won't be doing the outreach, but she'll be able to re-attend just that phase of any of the upcoming DTSes next year.
our leader explained Rose's farewell story to us after we finished eating, and our speaker for the week prayed over her, preparing her for the journey ahead, along the road home, across the breadth of Tanzania.
as the singing began, Jesus' action and words in John's gospel stabbed into me from no place i can imagine. origin-less, these thoughts led me to take another drag on my coke bottle, setting it down on the table in front of me again, and then exitting the chorus.
coming back across the courtyard now, mission accomplished, i was steadily carrying a basin, cradling a bowl and my big brown towel, praying in the dark of night that i wasn't spilling anything. i didn't understand where this had come from.
Jesus, i haven't done this in years. is this really your idea? am i gonna look really vain? i feel like an attention grabber.
10 minutes later, i was on my knees in a room only occupied by myself and three others, dipping my clumsy, lanky white hands into the bowl, and carrying water carefully over to Rose's feet waiting in the basin.
"Maji baridi?"
"Ndiyo."
She hisses. i've just told her that yes, the water will be cold.
"Pole." (Sorry.)
at first the water invokes a recoil on her part, but soon, as Paul reads the story in John 13, from his Swahili Bible, seated next to her, i am lost in the one i am imitating.
first the right foot, then she withdraws it, dried to the touch, and offers her left foot, just as thickened, toughened, and scarred as the first. her brown skin is difficult to gauge concerning it's cleanliness, but i'm thorough anyway. and then finishing up, i wipe it dry with my towel, draped in a bundle over my right shoulder.
she blesses me quietly ("Mungu aku bariki.") as i look up at her when i finish, pulling away the basin and bowl, drying up the floor where Jesus had humbled me. Paul finishes reading, closing the bible, unable to meet my eyes, because his are watering up. not because of what i've done, i'm sure, but because Rose is one of his best friends here, and she's leaving too soon. i hug them both, resting my head on both shoulders in turn, and then just as quietly as i'd begun, i'm done, and take my leave.
suddenly all i want is to be alone with Jesus.
suddenly all i can think about is Jesus, the Son of Man whom i've just imitated and obeyed.
and suddenly i get why i did it.
it had nothing to do with Rose, really. she may or may not remember the mzungu who washed her feet, several months from now, while caring for her sixth child in its infant stages. but i'll remember how captive i suddenly was to Jesus.
and he'll remember what it was like to have, on this rare occassion, my full attention.
PAX.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
doing singleness the wrong way...
flipping shut the novel i checked out of the library here on the base a few days ago, a murder mystery called 'The Poet', i'm nearly to page 100 of the paperback, and the action's starting to kick into high gear, as the protagonist, Jack McEvoy--a homicide reporter at a Denver newspaper--stumbles onto a theory that link's his cop brother's recent suicide with another cop suicide 2000 miles away in Chicago, making it look like a serial killer. he sets his sights on Chicago, D.C., and the FBI HQ on the east coast, aiming to track down this story.
McEvoy's a 35-year-old bachelor who's lived in the same apartment for the past 9 years, working the same reporter beat at the paper.
reading about his life suddenly taking a turn for... (at least) the more interesting and exciting, i found myself strapping on my bag, slipping into my sandals, throwing on my shirt, shrugging sleep off, grabbing my 1.5 liter Kilimanjaro water bottle, with the label ripped off, and heading down the steps from my bunk in the dorm room, toward the bathroom. stop at the sink on the way out, scrub my face with water and wake myself up, then run my fingers through my hair that i'm growing out in a rather mottley fashion, and head out into the open courtyard, feeling invincible.
standing coolly in the shadows, my unkempt brown hair striking strange shadows across the tan bricks and chop-cut grass behind the short bushes, i breathe deeply, and suddenly realize the attitude shift that's come over me.
i suddenly feel like i'm on top of the world. i'm only going to check my email and perhaps blog a bit, really, so why this high? nothing fancy or new about me... just the bag i spent less than 14 bucks on in town, after getting a wad of cash out of the NBC ATM in Arusha. maybe it's because everything went so smoothly, or just because i am dwelling so much in God's goodness to me, that i'm frankly forgetting the key to all of this:
once i get to feeling this good, i'm likely to forget where the source of this joy really is.
i am liable to phase God out of the celebration, right at the kick-off.
i am on the verge of doing singleness the wrong way. where i start to get the hyper-inflated sense of self-worth, and my own ability to get involved and actually influence things. me and my intentionally shabby appearance begin to form an ego to go along with the care-freeness of it all.
i gotta remember--and reclaim--the simple truth of this only working if it's only about Jesus. not about being single.
the latter's great and all, but not if it's not filled in by something much, much better!
it's a daily thing: re-working on that. but it's good. just can't get too caught up with the crazy hair and the deadly hyper-inflation of Asher.
Peace.
Jesus.
Love.
-archer
McEvoy's a 35-year-old bachelor who's lived in the same apartment for the past 9 years, working the same reporter beat at the paper.
reading about his life suddenly taking a turn for... (at least) the more interesting and exciting, i found myself strapping on my bag, slipping into my sandals, throwing on my shirt, shrugging sleep off, grabbing my 1.5 liter Kilimanjaro water bottle, with the label ripped off, and heading down the steps from my bunk in the dorm room, toward the bathroom. stop at the sink on the way out, scrub my face with water and wake myself up, then run my fingers through my hair that i'm growing out in a rather mottley fashion, and head out into the open courtyard, feeling invincible.
standing coolly in the shadows, my unkempt brown hair striking strange shadows across the tan bricks and chop-cut grass behind the short bushes, i breathe deeply, and suddenly realize the attitude shift that's come over me.
i suddenly feel like i'm on top of the world. i'm only going to check my email and perhaps blog a bit, really, so why this high? nothing fancy or new about me... just the bag i spent less than 14 bucks on in town, after getting a wad of cash out of the NBC ATM in Arusha. maybe it's because everything went so smoothly, or just because i am dwelling so much in God's goodness to me, that i'm frankly forgetting the key to all of this:
once i get to feeling this good, i'm likely to forget where the source of this joy really is.
i am liable to phase God out of the celebration, right at the kick-off.
i am on the verge of doing singleness the wrong way. where i start to get the hyper-inflated sense of self-worth, and my own ability to get involved and actually influence things. me and my intentionally shabby appearance begin to form an ego to go along with the care-freeness of it all.
i gotta remember--and reclaim--the simple truth of this only working if it's only about Jesus. not about being single.
the latter's great and all, but not if it's not filled in by something much, much better!
it's a daily thing: re-working on that. but it's good. just can't get too caught up with the crazy hair and the deadly hyper-inflation of Asher.
Peace.
Jesus.
Love.
-archer
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
think for myself
there are two different trains of thought that i find myself bouncing back and forth between here: the willingness to accept everything. and the need to contest everything.
this DTS is teaching me about these two major viewpoints of the world. and everyone fits into one or the other. for the most part.
on the one hand, most of my African brothers and sisters can be taught anything by our speakers at this school, and it becomes their belief, in a heartbeat. that's not always bad, but it's dangerous when several times teachers and speakers here have slipped up and delivered us false information.
which brings me to the next group. all of us westerners here (by far the out-numbered ones, running close to 7:1 on the base) often jump at every chance to complain about anything. it comes from being raised and schooled into thinking that as westerners we're always right. this is also dangerous (though contesting things is not always bad).
it becomes difficult for me, as one westerner (the one who'd at first been so open to complete assimilation with African culture, and is now seemingly the one most anxious to return to the familiar things in life), as i wade between two sharply different outlooks.
i have definitely grown to question a lot of things about human relations, theological truths, applied biblical truths, and crazy jazz like that.
the most interesting thing is learning to think for myself. as a dear friend of mine puts it, i am "the representation of the bandwagon fallacy." (thank you Emily!)
it's what you've got to do, think for yourself, remembering that no other human has any right to direct you, rather you must belong wholly in your own realm with the God you are in love with. God meets everyone on a different level. ergo at the same time as thinking for myself, i've also gotta be looking first at Jesus, and letting him tear into my soul, carving out the junk i don't need and establishing the throne i pledged to him there, at age three.
Jesus: "well, asher, it's about time!"
asher: "yeah, well, ya see... um... i never really realized what i meant! i mean, come on, i was young... yeah, i know that's cliche, but it works, right?"
Jesus: "how old are you now, asher?"
asher: (ashamed, awkward silence)
Jesus: "do you really not trust me with your heart and soul? do you really think you're the better driver? or am i just your 'co-pilot'?"
asher: "uh... Jesus?"
Jesus: "yeah?"
asher: "i haven't taken really good care of myself, already. you sure you wanna drive a junker? i mean, i'm no lamborghini."
Jesus: "have you seen any other lamborghinis on the road?"
asher: "not exactly. only in magazines and billboards and TV and what-not."
Jesus: "yeah. thought so. they're just fakin' it."
asher: "figures."
Jesus: "yeah, they don't let me drive either. they just make it out of their own kit. spit-shine and whatever else makes em look good. but they don't last. if you let me drive, asher, we'll last. you and me. that's all there is too it. no girlfriends. no porn. no beer. no joints. no pride. no gossip. no quarrelling. no disobeying your parents--*"
asher: "wait! what? hey now--"
Jesus: "...just you and me. do you trust me? really? good. open up."
so i guess this makes me wonder if i'm really thinking for myself, as the term would imply, simplistically. but, ah, what the heck... probably better this way, eh?
PAX.
-archer
*(though this is pretty much irrelevant to the blog, Romans 1.18-32 clearly outlines tons of other sins on par with homosexuality. yes, i have an agenda. i don't deny it. but this is simply the truth i wanna show here. but i'll write more about that later...)
this DTS is teaching me about these two major viewpoints of the world. and everyone fits into one or the other. for the most part.
on the one hand, most of my African brothers and sisters can be taught anything by our speakers at this school, and it becomes their belief, in a heartbeat. that's not always bad, but it's dangerous when several times teachers and speakers here have slipped up and delivered us false information.
which brings me to the next group. all of us westerners here (by far the out-numbered ones, running close to 7:1 on the base) often jump at every chance to complain about anything. it comes from being raised and schooled into thinking that as westerners we're always right. this is also dangerous (though contesting things is not always bad).
it becomes difficult for me, as one westerner (the one who'd at first been so open to complete assimilation with African culture, and is now seemingly the one most anxious to return to the familiar things in life), as i wade between two sharply different outlooks.
i have definitely grown to question a lot of things about human relations, theological truths, applied biblical truths, and crazy jazz like that.
the most interesting thing is learning to think for myself. as a dear friend of mine puts it, i am "the representation of the bandwagon fallacy." (thank you Emily!)
it's what you've got to do, think for yourself, remembering that no other human has any right to direct you, rather you must belong wholly in your own realm with the God you are in love with. God meets everyone on a different level. ergo at the same time as thinking for myself, i've also gotta be looking first at Jesus, and letting him tear into my soul, carving out the junk i don't need and establishing the throne i pledged to him there, at age three.
Jesus: "well, asher, it's about time!"
asher: "yeah, well, ya see... um... i never really realized what i meant! i mean, come on, i was young... yeah, i know that's cliche, but it works, right?"
Jesus: "how old are you now, asher?"
asher: (ashamed, awkward silence)
Jesus: "do you really not trust me with your heart and soul? do you really think you're the better driver? or am i just your 'co-pilot'?"
asher: "uh... Jesus?"
Jesus: "yeah?"
asher: "i haven't taken really good care of myself, already. you sure you wanna drive a junker? i mean, i'm no lamborghini."
Jesus: "have you seen any other lamborghinis on the road?"
asher: "not exactly. only in magazines and billboards and TV and what-not."
Jesus: "yeah. thought so. they're just fakin' it."
asher: "figures."
Jesus: "yeah, they don't let me drive either. they just make it out of their own kit. spit-shine and whatever else makes em look good. but they don't last. if you let me drive, asher, we'll last. you and me. that's all there is too it. no girlfriends. no porn. no beer. no joints. no pride. no gossip. no quarrelling. no disobeying your parents--*"
asher: "wait! what? hey now--"
Jesus: "...just you and me. do you trust me? really? good. open up."
so i guess this makes me wonder if i'm really thinking for myself, as the term would imply, simplistically. but, ah, what the heck... probably better this way, eh?
PAX.
-archer
*(though this is pretty much irrelevant to the blog, Romans 1.18-32 clearly outlines tons of other sins on par with homosexuality. yes, i have an agenda. i don't deny it. but this is simply the truth i wanna show here. but i'll write more about that later...)
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
when Intra nixes Inter
i can barely begin to write what i would like to write, certain of only one thing:
that i am uncertain how long i will ramble, or exactly what i will mean to say by the last words of this entry. here goes, brothers and sisters.
Intrapersonal is far more challenging for me. as a concept, Intrapersonal is not very appealling to me normally, aside from moments when suddenly romance is the farthest thing from my mind. but lately, after this current resurfacing, and finding yet another window in which to reach in and throttle me while i dream, i am choked by the need to be Intrapersonal.
Interpersonal is out of the question for the time being. i don't really know how exaclty to do such a thing: i shall live these coming weeks, months, perhaps years, seeking only my Jesus and my Adonai and my Spirit. and seeking only myself. only Archer. i have no desire to allow myself to yet again get more-or-less "hitched" to someone. been there. done that. got hurt. hurt her. it sucks.
i need some time as me. i've got a lot of work to do on myself. a lot of effort to pour into the right relationship. i can't keep working on all the wrong ones before their time.
i think i want to be married. but i want to be married to my best friend, not my girlfriend. i want my wife to know me. not just kiss me and hold me. i want my wife to treat me like any other woman i know most of the time. i want a friendship, not just a "relationship." i want truth, not romance. i want genuine love, not puppy love or high school sweethearts. i want a partner in life, someone to work with all my life, not someone i simply come home to every night, who just makes me my meals, cleans my house, and cuddles with me for a movie at night.
i know i want something real. i want someone who aches for justice, and lives in the moment, unaware of the perception others have of her. i want someone who laughs so hard she cries, and cries so hard her head hurts. i want someone very broken, very imperfect, very far from anything i can continue to describe. so i won't even try.
but before i even consider any of these, i need my Jesus and my Adonai and my Spirit.
these i need, and only these. and now i've got my choice. a great deal of mistakes in my past, but there's no pressure on me to win any heart, but to simply return to the heart i never had to win.
pray for me. i've got a long and winding road ahead of me, and i'm really excited for it!
PAX.
-archer
that i am uncertain how long i will ramble, or exactly what i will mean to say by the last words of this entry. here goes, brothers and sisters.
Intrapersonal is far more challenging for me. as a concept, Intrapersonal is not very appealling to me normally, aside from moments when suddenly romance is the farthest thing from my mind. but lately, after this current resurfacing, and finding yet another window in which to reach in and throttle me while i dream, i am choked by the need to be Intrapersonal.
Interpersonal is out of the question for the time being. i don't really know how exaclty to do such a thing: i shall live these coming weeks, months, perhaps years, seeking only my Jesus and my Adonai and my Spirit. and seeking only myself. only Archer. i have no desire to allow myself to yet again get more-or-less "hitched" to someone. been there. done that. got hurt. hurt her. it sucks.
i need some time as me. i've got a lot of work to do on myself. a lot of effort to pour into the right relationship. i can't keep working on all the wrong ones before their time.
i think i want to be married. but i want to be married to my best friend, not my girlfriend. i want my wife to know me. not just kiss me and hold me. i want my wife to treat me like any other woman i know most of the time. i want a friendship, not just a "relationship." i want truth, not romance. i want genuine love, not puppy love or high school sweethearts. i want a partner in life, someone to work with all my life, not someone i simply come home to every night, who just makes me my meals, cleans my house, and cuddles with me for a movie at night.
i know i want something real. i want someone who aches for justice, and lives in the moment, unaware of the perception others have of her. i want someone who laughs so hard she cries, and cries so hard her head hurts. i want someone very broken, very imperfect, very far from anything i can continue to describe. so i won't even try.
but before i even consider any of these, i need my Jesus and my Adonai and my Spirit.
these i need, and only these. and now i've got my choice. a great deal of mistakes in my past, but there's no pressure on me to win any heart, but to simply return to the heart i never had to win.
pray for me. i've got a long and winding road ahead of me, and i'm really excited for it!
PAX.
-archer
Sunday, November 25, 2007
inherently.... which? (or witch?) --An Essay
Good vs. Evil
Joy vs. Suffering
Order vs. Chaos
Enlightenment vs. Endarkenment
Love vs. Hate
Care vs. Indifference
Law vs. Corruption
Which one would you say is more prevalent, of each of these comparisons?
in Lance Morrow's book, Evil: An Investigation, i have come face to face with something i never really wanted to believe or accept. this was perhaps one of my most morbid mistakes i've allowed within my own mind.
i had completely ruled out the possibility that Good was not the Rule of life, that which controls human thought and will. sadly, in this foolishness, i came to think that the world was shot to Hell, because of all the Evil in it at present (which may or may not have increased over the centuries).
looking at this 'Investigation' the Boston University Professor offers us, i find it hard to believe that Evil is not the Rule of life. cast in another light by Jake Pelfrey of the Chicago area, Suffering becomes recognized as the commonplace, with Joy as it's infrequent but always glorious counterpart--the breaking of the Rule.
Joy like a sunflare tears into the darkness created by the original Fall of Man. rather, since i'm not a fan of archaic gender selection, the "Fall of Humanity." ever since that moment--whether or not it's quite physically sound the theological representation of the Fall makes sense enough to me--humans have always been attreacted to their own will and desires. and normally what the human mind can come up with, it can often see as a feasible action. OBVIOUSLY, this is not the case with everything that enters our imagination, for we do not ALL desire absolute Chaos in our lifetime!
but these two writers have shown me the very blunt and dangerously concealable truth that i've been looking at the world in the wrong way. i've seen life and the World's events, both on a microscopic and a mammoth scale to be so devastatingly harsh and unruly, as the very action of breaking the Rule.
however, that thought doesn't stand in light of these recent readings. i find myself so easily contaminated by a hatred of the World's events. i don't think i have a right to complain, since is simply Right that is breaking the Rule. Wrong is left in a ditch to fend for itself as the spears of the righteous (in all facets of life) strike out and tear the darkness.
this revelation forces us to realize how likely it is that the real Evil in the history of the Salem Witch Trials, is the Evil that captivated the minds of those tightening the nooses.
--something just came to mind that should have gently began my conversion to this way of thinking long ago! i just remembered a lyric from the famous U2 song, called "God Part II", where Bono quotes from another famous Christian singer whose name i've forgotten, using the phrase "[i'm] gonna kick the darkness till it bleeds daylight!"
as Pelfrey says in his article on RelevantMagazine.com,
"After reading this I learned that I was looking through foggy eyes of expectation. Instead I should have been looking through the eyes of joy. Suffering should not overwhelm me, but instead I should be staggered by joy when it decides to shine through."
and Morrow points out the problem with conventional archaic views on evil, on page 17,
"Do not bother to demonize people as being inherently evil. That's not how it works. Instead, we should view evil as opportunistic, passing like an electrical through the world and through people; or wandering like an infection that takes up residence in individuals or cultures from time to time."
and again, Morrow addresses the ever-presence of Evil on page 4,
"Without an awareness of evil, people become confused; they fail to anticipate its ruthless possibilities. In the new instantaneous global dimension, it may be catastrophic not to think clearly about evil, not to be aware of what it is capable of doing."
Evil is not necessarily always present and working, but it preys on our already self-centered mind.
i must also say here that there are obvious holes in this outlook, once you look at people who really know God, and really know Jesus. as they begin to look more and more like the Godhead (the Trinity), they begin to have less of themselves and their own will. no person is perfectly free from their own will unless as Paul says in his letter to the Galations, "it is no longer [they] who live, but Christ lives in [them]."(2.20 NLT)
frankly, as far as i see it, this is a person's only way out of the trap where Evil can drift in, as it flows "from place to place along the channels of least resistance." (Morrow, 17) we otherwise become caught up and contaminated by Evil when it comes our way, as it drifts in and out of the minds of humanity. seven billion people on the planet. seems like Evil's got too many doors into this world.
and also, as far as i figure, Jesus is kinda the only way to pure Joy in this world. ergo, from our personal relationships with this Jesus do we encounter his Joy and thus have our own opportunities to share Joy and act in Joy, in Jesus' name.
this all sounds really preachy, i know. but it's the Truth as far as i can tell.
Pelfrey closes his article with this very approapriate subtle prescription for us all, no matter what faith we cling to, and whether or not we know the whole Truth:
"But we also learned that on those days in the dreaded desert, one may find a little flower blooming in the immense heat. Its presence is comforting, and the joy it carries is overpowering."
Amen. May the Peace and Joy of the Lord Jesus Christ dwell in you.
and again i say Amen.
Joy vs. Suffering
Order vs. Chaos
Enlightenment vs. Endarkenment
Love vs. Hate
Care vs. Indifference
Law vs. Corruption
Which one would you say is more prevalent, of each of these comparisons?
in Lance Morrow's book, Evil: An Investigation, i have come face to face with something i never really wanted to believe or accept. this was perhaps one of my most morbid mistakes i've allowed within my own mind.
i had completely ruled out the possibility that Good was not the Rule of life, that which controls human thought and will. sadly, in this foolishness, i came to think that the world was shot to Hell, because of all the Evil in it at present (which may or may not have increased over the centuries).
looking at this 'Investigation' the Boston University Professor offers us, i find it hard to believe that Evil is not the Rule of life. cast in another light by Jake Pelfrey of the Chicago area, Suffering becomes recognized as the commonplace, with Joy as it's infrequent but always glorious counterpart--the breaking of the Rule.
Joy like a sunflare tears into the darkness created by the original Fall of Man. rather, since i'm not a fan of archaic gender selection, the "Fall of Humanity." ever since that moment--whether or not it's quite physically sound the theological representation of the Fall makes sense enough to me--humans have always been attreacted to their own will and desires. and normally what the human mind can come up with, it can often see as a feasible action. OBVIOUSLY, this is not the case with everything that enters our imagination, for we do not ALL desire absolute Chaos in our lifetime!
but these two writers have shown me the very blunt and dangerously concealable truth that i've been looking at the world in the wrong way. i've seen life and the World's events, both on a microscopic and a mammoth scale to be so devastatingly harsh and unruly, as the very action of breaking the Rule.
however, that thought doesn't stand in light of these recent readings. i find myself so easily contaminated by a hatred of the World's events. i don't think i have a right to complain, since is simply Right that is breaking the Rule. Wrong is left in a ditch to fend for itself as the spears of the righteous (in all facets of life) strike out and tear the darkness.
this revelation forces us to realize how likely it is that the real Evil in the history of the Salem Witch Trials, is the Evil that captivated the minds of those tightening the nooses.
--something just came to mind that should have gently began my conversion to this way of thinking long ago! i just remembered a lyric from the famous U2 song, called "God Part II", where Bono quotes from another famous Christian singer whose name i've forgotten, using the phrase "[i'm] gonna kick the darkness till it bleeds daylight!"
as Pelfrey says in his article on RelevantMagazine.com,
"After reading this I learned that I was looking through foggy eyes of expectation. Instead I should have been looking through the eyes of joy. Suffering should not overwhelm me, but instead I should be staggered by joy when it decides to shine through."
and Morrow points out the problem with conventional archaic views on evil, on page 17,
"Do not bother to demonize people as being inherently evil. That's not how it works. Instead, we should view evil as opportunistic, passing like an electrical through the world and through people; or wandering like an infection that takes up residence in individuals or cultures from time to time."
and again, Morrow addresses the ever-presence of Evil on page 4,
"Without an awareness of evil, people become confused; they fail to anticipate its ruthless possibilities. In the new instantaneous global dimension, it may be catastrophic not to think clearly about evil, not to be aware of what it is capable of doing."
Evil is not necessarily always present and working, but it preys on our already self-centered mind.
i must also say here that there are obvious holes in this outlook, once you look at people who really know God, and really know Jesus. as they begin to look more and more like the Godhead (the Trinity), they begin to have less of themselves and their own will. no person is perfectly free from their own will unless as Paul says in his letter to the Galations, "it is no longer [they] who live, but Christ lives in [them]."(2.20 NLT)
frankly, as far as i see it, this is a person's only way out of the trap where Evil can drift in, as it flows "from place to place along the channels of least resistance." (Morrow, 17) we otherwise become caught up and contaminated by Evil when it comes our way, as it drifts in and out of the minds of humanity. seven billion people on the planet. seems like Evil's got too many doors into this world.
and also, as far as i figure, Jesus is kinda the only way to pure Joy in this world. ergo, from our personal relationships with this Jesus do we encounter his Joy and thus have our own opportunities to share Joy and act in Joy, in Jesus' name.
this all sounds really preachy, i know. but it's the Truth as far as i can tell.
Pelfrey closes his article with this very approapriate subtle prescription for us all, no matter what faith we cling to, and whether or not we know the whole Truth:
"But we also learned that on those days in the dreaded desert, one may find a little flower blooming in the immense heat. Its presence is comforting, and the joy it carries is overpowering."
Amen. May the Peace and Joy of the Lord Jesus Christ dwell in you.
and again i say Amen.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Church ..part two..
"Jesus said to the people who believed in him, "'you are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. and you will know the thruth, and the truth will set you free... So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.'"
-John 8.31-32,36
all truth we ever learn is meant to point us toward the Son who truly craves a relationship with us. but, as Taylor pointed out, we are given the freedom to choose to live in freedom. or we can stick to our old ways. as many of Jesus' disciples deserted him in John 6.60-71, he humbly asked the 12, "are you also going to leave?" (v.67)
i can picture that revolutionary leader, already pushed into the ground by the religious leaders of the time, living his whole life both solely AS truth, and FOR truth. and when people refuse truth, whether given proof or no, it can destroy the good messenger. with sadness weighing on him, Jesus turned from the crowd to his twelve closest brothers, looking each of them in the eyes for a moment as he annunciated those pain-surged words. possibly on the verge of tears, he slows down his speech, letting each syllable bring his gaze to another apostle in the small huddle. the wind on the hillside is forced to the background of all thought for the apostles. the sun burning on their faces and the sand beneath their toes, uncomfortably shifting on the pads of their sandals--all sensation is forgotten and lost unto them. their leader, their beloved hero, the only person they have any real stock in... has just challenged them. perhaps, the apostles might think, if this is the messiah, doesn't he already know what i'm going to do? either way, they realize they definitely have the choice now. hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time Jesus reaches Golgotha. this is one of the moments they can leave him and blend with the crowd.
given the choice, every time i face a hard teaching, it takes me weeks, often, to face up to what Jesus' words and example will mean for me. and these hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time i reach Sheol. ever moment is one of those moments when i can leave him and slip into the massive deserting crowd. it's just too easy.
but with those eyes on the verge of tears, i already know i've got to stick by my master, my Father, the one who's invested so much in me. ignoring the sun, the wind, the sand... i've got to cross the line onto the other side. a daily Alamo challenge.
i think the whole Church faces it. there's not much we can do if we really know who we're hurting by saying no. if we really know who we're loving and pleasing by saying yes.
as each of the twelve cross the invisible line and move closer to their Rabbi--their Lord--they watch the tears in his eyes fade. a stray tear slides silently down his cheek. not one of the apostles blames him for it. greeted with a warm embrace, one by one, in the gathering dusk, this weak-seeming gesture is turned on its head and used in the most profound way it's ever been used troughout the course of all eternal history. in fact, they likely think, this is why i love him more--because he shows us how much he loves us. and this reciprocal love before the twelve sinners even have an inkling of the cross to come.
we know about the overabundance of love and sacrifice because the cross has already come. the Church needs to understand who she's betrothed to. we need to be faithful. to every word of teaching. to every gesture of acceptance. to every example of truth. to every ounce of real love.
Peace be with us all. in Jesus' name.
-John 8.31-32,36
all truth we ever learn is meant to point us toward the Son who truly craves a relationship with us. but, as Taylor pointed out, we are given the freedom to choose to live in freedom. or we can stick to our old ways. as many of Jesus' disciples deserted him in John 6.60-71, he humbly asked the 12, "are you also going to leave?" (v.67)
i can picture that revolutionary leader, already pushed into the ground by the religious leaders of the time, living his whole life both solely AS truth, and FOR truth. and when people refuse truth, whether given proof or no, it can destroy the good messenger. with sadness weighing on him, Jesus turned from the crowd to his twelve closest brothers, looking each of them in the eyes for a moment as he annunciated those pain-surged words. possibly on the verge of tears, he slows down his speech, letting each syllable bring his gaze to another apostle in the small huddle. the wind on the hillside is forced to the background of all thought for the apostles. the sun burning on their faces and the sand beneath their toes, uncomfortably shifting on the pads of their sandals--all sensation is forgotten and lost unto them. their leader, their beloved hero, the only person they have any real stock in... has just challenged them. perhaps, the apostles might think, if this is the messiah, doesn't he already know what i'm going to do? either way, they realize they definitely have the choice now. hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time Jesus reaches Golgotha. this is one of the moments they can leave him and blend with the crowd.
given the choice, every time i face a hard teaching, it takes me weeks, often, to face up to what Jesus' words and example will mean for me. and these hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time i reach Sheol. ever moment is one of those moments when i can leave him and slip into the massive deserting crowd. it's just too easy.
but with those eyes on the verge of tears, i already know i've got to stick by my master, my Father, the one who's invested so much in me. ignoring the sun, the wind, the sand... i've got to cross the line onto the other side. a daily Alamo challenge.
i think the whole Church faces it. there's not much we can do if we really know who we're hurting by saying no. if we really know who we're loving and pleasing by saying yes.
as each of the twelve cross the invisible line and move closer to their Rabbi--their Lord--they watch the tears in his eyes fade. a stray tear slides silently down his cheek. not one of the apostles blames him for it. greeted with a warm embrace, one by one, in the gathering dusk, this weak-seeming gesture is turned on its head and used in the most profound way it's ever been used troughout the course of all eternal history. in fact, they likely think, this is why i love him more--because he shows us how much he loves us. and this reciprocal love before the twelve sinners even have an inkling of the cross to come.
we know about the overabundance of love and sacrifice because the cross has already come. the Church needs to understand who she's betrothed to. we need to be faithful. to every word of teaching. to every gesture of acceptance. to every example of truth. to every ounce of real love.
Peace be with us all. in Jesus' name.
Church
"in relation to the Kingdom of God--what about the Church? firstly, she's not to draw attention to herself. as soon as she does so, she's lost the power and authority given her."
-Tony Taylor, of England (our speaker for the week, here at the DTS).
it's a grave reminder to me personally, as i begin an endeavor to write a critique on the Church's most "popular" problems she's facing today. perhaps common is a better word. but i'm sure that the former will actually shed more light on it, in some ways.
sadly, i'm walking a very tight rope in writing this little essay, since i am in danger of drawing attention not only to the Church, but also to myself. as much as i hope my [comparatively incredibly uneducated] words are taken seriously, respected and understoof... the last thing i want is the attention of others in the Church.
just as Marx and Engel became almost as famous as their Manifesto, and Luther as famous as his Theses (to the point where frankly all i know about the Theses is that it stood against indulgences, and i know much more about Luther himself).
it worries me that theologians generally have big names. Dr. King calls it the "Drum-Major Instinct". and i am not at all calling out any theologians for striving to be as famous as their theology. but it is interesting to me that they seem like they are not disappearing like Bobby Fisher. but then again, that generated more publicity than his known achievements.
so i guess it's not so purely an example of Dr. King's fear--though there are examples such as Bishop Spong--rather i believe it is a symptom of a leader-starved world. we're so lacking in strong leaders, as the world has nearly every generation since the Judges began to rule Israel. so, of course nearly anyone we can set our eyes on who knows what they're talking about, we nearly canonize them.
frankly, i've nearly done that very same thing to Tony Taylor as he's been teaching. it's so apparent that God's been speaking through him. and in realizing that we get blinded by the truth that is in front of us, and we stop there, we find an unsettling amount of admiration within ourselves toward the creation and not the Creator. we fail to move on, following in the direction the truth is leading us...
-Tony Taylor, of England (our speaker for the week, here at the DTS).
it's a grave reminder to me personally, as i begin an endeavor to write a critique on the Church's most "popular" problems she's facing today. perhaps common is a better word. but i'm sure that the former will actually shed more light on it, in some ways.
sadly, i'm walking a very tight rope in writing this little essay, since i am in danger of drawing attention not only to the Church, but also to myself. as much as i hope my [comparatively incredibly uneducated] words are taken seriously, respected and understoof... the last thing i want is the attention of others in the Church.
just as Marx and Engel became almost as famous as their Manifesto, and Luther as famous as his Theses (to the point where frankly all i know about the Theses is that it stood against indulgences, and i know much more about Luther himself).
it worries me that theologians generally have big names. Dr. King calls it the "Drum-Major Instinct". and i am not at all calling out any theologians for striving to be as famous as their theology. but it is interesting to me that they seem like they are not disappearing like Bobby Fisher. but then again, that generated more publicity than his known achievements.
so i guess it's not so purely an example of Dr. King's fear--though there are examples such as Bishop Spong--rather i believe it is a symptom of a leader-starved world. we're so lacking in strong leaders, as the world has nearly every generation since the Judges began to rule Israel. so, of course nearly anyone we can set our eyes on who knows what they're talking about, we nearly canonize them.
frankly, i've nearly done that very same thing to Tony Taylor as he's been teaching. it's so apparent that God's been speaking through him. and in realizing that we get blinded by the truth that is in front of us, and we stop there, we find an unsettling amount of admiration within ourselves toward the creation and not the Creator. we fail to move on, following in the direction the truth is leading us...
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