to be is not to be good enough, right? wrong...

a lot of people i trust have told me that God really just wants us to BE with him, to delve in his presence and exist side-by-side, heart-to-heart.

i believe that
but indelibly
i recognize i am a flawed reflection
of that.

as i'm going to divulge later to a dear friend and confidant, in far more detail than i shall here, i have realized that i fall into the trap of either of two extremes...

i either focus immensely on doing too much and planning too much for my life in the future, as well as in the present, or i fail to plan, entirely, and the moment the hope of something in the future fails, i feel as though i am truly alone, and i start wishing i had an other person with whom things could be... "significant."

and then usually, that doesn't end up getting me anywhere without too much pain, for i fail to factor in all that i've ever hoped to DO, and the BEING of that relationship fails.

kapput.

back to square one.

and the moment i plan too much i am attacked for not giving God room to work in my life and in my future, and i am forced to reckon with my loneliness again, even though i was doing a darn good job keeping it at bay as long as i had a task at hand or even simply a few distant, adventurous goals.

i don't like that i do this, and perhaps i'm not the only one struggling with this, but i am the only one who's made it plain to my brain that anyone's dealing with this. ergo, i shall make plans, for to not have any plans would simply be too painful...

but maybe if i find a way to make room for God's plans along the way in mine, maybe then i'll get it right...

i just wonder what kind of girl would be willing to do a journey around southeast Asia, north Africa, or Latin America on motorcycle (or two) in the style of Ernesto Guevara's "Motorcycle Diaries"; what kind of girl would be willing to leave this country for long spurts at a time and travel spartan across deserts and jungles, just to find the truth of human rights in a given corner of earth; what kind of girl would be willing to put any remote possibility of family on hold for up to a decade simply to travel with me, with our God, and with our desire to serve anyone we encounter, at our own expense.

that's what i wonder, and that's why it's always looked easier to roll solo down the road.

God, since you're in charge, you tell me what i need to do, or how i need to be, ok?

ok.

thanks.

an amendment to my reading list

not a fan of serial killer novels. thought i could go with 'The Poet', mentioned a few posts ago, but no-siree-bob! it wasn't exactly of the calibre of "film noir" which is what i'd hoped for. with was worse than Law & Order SVU.

not my thing. especially since lately it's just been the last book i've been in the mood to pick up. i pulled it out of my satchel (which is with me no matter where i am, no matter what room on the base i'm occupying!)--an incredibly huge step since i over-pack to compensate for any kind of mood i might be in for various reading material. frankly pulling it out was a huge vote of no confidence!

it just isn't edifying. i think i'm finally beginning to face things the way my dad does. he's got a knack for removing books and movies that won't do his psyche (or more importantly, his relationship with Jesus) any good, and he sacks 'em, reads or watches something better, and never misses a beat in life.

i think i'm finally growing up and getting to that point in my walk with the Son of God. i just don't want filler crap any more.

feels good to put this novel behind me for good!

PAX.

what i am coming to learn, and coming to love.

please read this article.

i am relatively unacquainted with the truth of suffering, of hopelessness.

i am a poor missionary student.
no stable bank account state-side.
the poorest of the westerners in this YWAM DTS in Arusha, Tanzania.
the one who's broken two hearts in one fell swoop--mine among the two.
the one who's defied everything about my old culture.
the one who can barely afford to be using this computer.
the one who can barely afford to call home.
the brother and son missing his family.
the brother missing his brother.
the brother missing his sister.
the brother missing his dog.
the one who cries the most.
the one who has mood swings.
the one who hurts most among the team of students.
the one who has just recently encountered personal hopelessness, and barely survived it.
the one aching for ancient voices, both human and otherwise.
the one who is at peace.
the one who writes too much, reads too much, thinks too much.
...but is still held and loved by God.

just read this article.

if you think you know suffering, this'll step on your toes, laugh at your ideas, and then lovingly give you a better idea of how to live, and how to look at life.

Amen.
Peace.
Love.
Joy.
Suffering.
to You.
Amen.

like father, like son, eh?

I just found this fun little quiz on my dad's blog(nowandnotyet.net), and not surprisingly, i'm quite similar to his. i am, however, quite surprised to find that i even have "fundamentalism" anywhere but the very basement... bummer.
even so, from what i understand of the rest of it, it all kinda makes sense!
try it out on your own, and if you feel like it, compare mine with my dad's!

What's your theological worldview?
You scored as a Emergent/Postmodern
You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Emergent/Postmodern 86%
Neo orthodox 75%
Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 57%
Classical Liberal 54%
Roman Catholic 36%
Charismatic/Pentecostal 36%
Modern Liberal 36%
Fundamentalist 21%
Reformed Evangelical 18%


PAX.
-archer

p.s. my folks want a picture of me here in Arusha, so here's one i've just gotten up on my facebook as well. so far it's the most recent one i've got on any computer. sorry it's from so far away! my friend Jordan took it with a sweet digital camera he's got (so you can probably zoom if you save it) as we began our first week of outreach.