they say i've got identity in you Jeshua, but they also say you don't love gay folks or black folks or Iraqi folks, that's why i don't think i want THAT identity, i know your justice is different from that of those that claim your name, but i can't handle it, i'm lost, unable to find just you, just you, simply you, where the hell are ya, i'm reaching out in every direction, to my friends, to my causes, joined NAACP SPUSA and one too many churches looking for me, not you just me, i got it wrong, and now i can't get it right.
how can you be so close and so far, how can i climb the highest mountain and somehow miss you, how can i seek justice the way i think you like it and never meet you in the streets, how can i be raised in the church only to founder at the age of 20, how can the church raise me and push me out of the nest, i don't really want church, i want community, i guess i was raised by one that has now morphed into counterfeit, counterfeit cash burns a different color, smoke traces give it away, put it to the test and it fails, see me hurting, no you don't, you're not looking, you're the counterfeit.
i can't find my identity anymore, i don't know where to start, i'm lost in a foreign state, a fresh foreign state of mind, i don't want a lot of readers i want the right ones, i want those i can read with weep with write with smoke cigars and drink with, all that in fellowship with the Rabbi, where did the Rabbi go that no one can show me what he looks like anymore?
a sip of peach tea i find refreshing, i watched a confusing movie today, wish i were home, wish i were at bcc even though i know i've outgrown it their too, not all change is bad but all change hurts sure as hell, i hate this limbo this extraordinary maze, where are you taking me you devilish white rabbit, you're such a pain to me right now, i really am in pain, can't you tell, stop running me in circles and stop for a second won't you, i need peace, i need restoration, i need community, i need identity.
but identity's gone, jumped the gun as i jumped off the wagon, joined a new caravan called college again, they say it'll make me smarter, what if cigars i've never tried are all that i want, what do you say to that you pristine white-washed vanities of vacancy of vision, invest in someone won't you, invest in a man in need of a heart transplant and stop shoving me those bandaids damnit!
God, sweet sweet God, i want what you give, what you have given, what you always give me, i guess i lost it somewhere along the way, did i deny it or have it robbed from me, only a few remotely understand me and that number diminishes, i know i'm not alone but i see so few who are fighting for what i'm fighting for, i'll continue to pray with her, it's been a while since that act, i miss our prayers every night, her sweet soft voice saying amen and good night, i miss knowing she was with me on it, but i stopped praying with her each night and i blame me alone, i am the cause of my problems, i want to come back, but i don't even know which way to go!
i had another chance to find communion tonight, but like so many beyond the walls of the "church" i refused the chance, gave myself an excuse, i've been hurt so many times as i've sought companionship in you Rabbi, don't make me try it again in the wrong place, i'll join the ranks of the gas station guy, he with his beautiful broken eyes, he and i the same are crippled and killed by the christian church, i find more peace with him than i have in a "church building" in a year or so now.
i don't know what i did but i have become your judas.
Showing posts with label belief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label belief. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Freedom of Speech... French Style!
when upset about a government policy or action there is but one thing to do to voice your anger:
burn a car.
-/-/---
France, though they are often insulted in ways that would make any national of any such country bristle and buckle, is seemingly a more impressively democratic nation than the United States, or Great Britain.
the French seem to take to the streets at the slightest hint of unfairness within government policies.
but then, who says there's anything slight about racism, unemployment, homelessness, and ghetto-style poverty?
i know why they did it then in 2005.
i know why they continue to fight back.
i know that they are not alone in their anger.
burn a car.
-/-/---
France, though they are often insulted in ways that would make any national of any such country bristle and buckle, is seemingly a more impressively democratic nation than the United States, or Great Britain.
the French seem to take to the streets at the slightest hint of unfairness within government policies.
but then, who says there's anything slight about racism, unemployment, homelessness, and ghetto-style poverty?
i know why they did it then in 2005.
i know why they continue to fight back.
i know that they are not alone in their anger.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
"breathing through fear"
two days ago i walked outside during my break in the middle of my math class in order to step into the warm, breezy, dark afternoon sphere that captivated my attention in every waking moment that day until i stood in it.
i had been reading a moving, strange poem written in 1968 by a man named Juan Gelman of Argentina, entitled "Conversations."
centered around the author's feelings in relation to the recent loss in the hero named Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, the words stirred in me a desire to write verse.
and after my walk, barefoot through the mud around a new building site on campus, i sat down in the classroom in the moments before we reinitiated the lecture and put pen to the paper, finding within me, these words:
"Breathing Through Fear"
[Archer. 22 July 2008]
it's funny to me the heads that turn
the eyes that burn into me, my jacket,
my beloved Esther alive in earth tones,
ensconced in warm dirt and clay.
i walk unshod
the sole figure
an embraced soul
the bleedings soles
through the mud
and burning sand
spirit in hand
the wind dies
to just a whisper
i tread through treads
of yellow beasts far bigger than i
holding my own
breathing through fear
thick in the air
He in my ear
He, the wind, and my warm feet
what else could i need?
.PAX.
-Archer
i had been reading a moving, strange poem written in 1968 by a man named Juan Gelman of Argentina, entitled "Conversations."
centered around the author's feelings in relation to the recent loss in the hero named Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, the words stirred in me a desire to write verse.
and after my walk, barefoot through the mud around a new building site on campus, i sat down in the classroom in the moments before we reinitiated the lecture and put pen to the paper, finding within me, these words:
"Breathing Through Fear"
[Archer. 22 July 2008]
it's funny to me the heads that turn
the eyes that burn into me, my jacket,
my beloved Esther alive in earth tones,
ensconced in warm dirt and clay.
i walk unshod
the sole figure
an embraced soul
the bleedings soles
through the mud
and burning sand
spirit in hand
the wind dies
to just a whisper
i tread through treads
of yellow beasts far bigger than i
holding my own
breathing through fear
thick in the air
He in my ear
He, the wind, and my warm feet
what else could i need?
.PAX.
-Archer
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Cambodia-Phnom Penh-Tuol Sleng
three times now since waking up today, Cambodia's come to mind.
punjabican and i are coming to a place where our futures after college are nearing rapidly and we need to get a strong jump on exactly what will be involved in the process of metamorphosis between college and 'the real world'. though i understand the sentiment and reality of college being its own safe little world, i've also come to find that there is a great deal that is accessible in my life at this point.
i think that up until this point i've blinded myself to the options due to my location in nearly rural Indiana... a place i'm still hardly fond of, all things considered.
but now i'm starting to realize i really need to break out of this self-inflicted coma and strike out into the world bravely and recklessly. i've held back for fear of dead-ending (but worse dead-end can you come to than an intentional stand-still?) and for fear of not knowing enough and not being able to do anything. ignorance was never really bliss for me, because i've always wanted to learn that which i do not already know. and now that i'm learning more and more i only find my past and present ignorance to be an aggravation i wish to have dealt without.
i wish people here in the western world knew more about people beyond their borders, our borders... i wish people here cared about the Khmer Rouge's devastating affects, and knew what language is spoken in countries in the Horn of Africa, and knew how many years people have been held captive by FARC in Colombia, and understood what overpopulation can do to a country that is becoming the economic forefront with no moral accountability from the international community.
i wish a lot of things. i wish people didn't want to wage war on other people they don't understand. i wish they would change their minds.
so i pray for them, i pray for the future that people who learn and know and realise will be able to affect in some way. i pray that i can be effective as well in causing change.
i wish americans and the rest of us ruling the western world (and everyone underneath us) could learn to "...live simply so that others may simply live."
three times now since waking up today, Cambodia's come to mind. i'm not sure where to start, i'm relatively certain that people simply won't care about an aging museum documenting lost lives and forgotten atrocities, despite the fact that it's invaluable history is crumbling and yellowing and fading and walking precariously near the edge of oblivion and the unknown.
i don't think you will care to look anything up that i mentioned in here, after reading this. but i hope you will.
punjabican and i are aspiring to go to Tuol Sleng, a museum in Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia, that's taken a stand in the former prison building, known as S-21, where all the people whose faces and stories adorn the walls were executed en masse simply because the Khmer Rouge wanted to revitalize a nation 30 years ago...
we dream of being able to go to this museum and spend several months photographing and scanning everything into an electronic vault where it should hopefully never be forgotten. we're also hoping for grant money to stabilize the museum itself and all its displays of lives lost. though the specifics are not yet managed, this is our hope, and maybe God will see fit to send us to a forgotten place to help people everywhere else remember them.
please pray for us, pray for an end to ignorance around the world and in your own homes and schools.
Asanteni sana, watu wangu!
Peace be with you.
punjabican and i are coming to a place where our futures after college are nearing rapidly and we need to get a strong jump on exactly what will be involved in the process of metamorphosis between college and 'the real world'. though i understand the sentiment and reality of college being its own safe little world, i've also come to find that there is a great deal that is accessible in my life at this point.
i think that up until this point i've blinded myself to the options due to my location in nearly rural Indiana... a place i'm still hardly fond of, all things considered.
but now i'm starting to realize i really need to break out of this self-inflicted coma and strike out into the world bravely and recklessly. i've held back for fear of dead-ending (but worse dead-end can you come to than an intentional stand-still?) and for fear of not knowing enough and not being able to do anything. ignorance was never really bliss for me, because i've always wanted to learn that which i do not already know. and now that i'm learning more and more i only find my past and present ignorance to be an aggravation i wish to have dealt without.
i wish people here in the western world knew more about people beyond their borders, our borders... i wish people here cared about the Khmer Rouge's devastating affects, and knew what language is spoken in countries in the Horn of Africa, and knew how many years people have been held captive by FARC in Colombia, and understood what overpopulation can do to a country that is becoming the economic forefront with no moral accountability from the international community.
i wish a lot of things. i wish people didn't want to wage war on other people they don't understand. i wish they would change their minds.
so i pray for them, i pray for the future that people who learn and know and realise will be able to affect in some way. i pray that i can be effective as well in causing change.
i wish americans and the rest of us ruling the western world (and everyone underneath us) could learn to "...live simply so that others may simply live."
three times now since waking up today, Cambodia's come to mind. i'm not sure where to start, i'm relatively certain that people simply won't care about an aging museum documenting lost lives and forgotten atrocities, despite the fact that it's invaluable history is crumbling and yellowing and fading and walking precariously near the edge of oblivion and the unknown.
i don't think you will care to look anything up that i mentioned in here, after reading this. but i hope you will.
punjabican and i are aspiring to go to Tuol Sleng, a museum in Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia, that's taken a stand in the former prison building, known as S-21, where all the people whose faces and stories adorn the walls were executed en masse simply because the Khmer Rouge wanted to revitalize a nation 30 years ago...
we dream of being able to go to this museum and spend several months photographing and scanning everything into an electronic vault where it should hopefully never be forgotten. we're also hoping for grant money to stabilize the museum itself and all its displays of lives lost. though the specifics are not yet managed, this is our hope, and maybe God will see fit to send us to a forgotten place to help people everywhere else remember them.
please pray for us, pray for an end to ignorance around the world and in your own homes and schools.
Asanteni sana, watu wangu!
Peace be with you.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Sunday!
today is the first sunday i've had off work since like two months ago! the weather outside is bloody brilliant!
(here's a look at my view from the library's second floor! and then one of me, chillin here, too!)
in about an hour and a half i'll have walked across a lovely little wooden bridge over a creek through many green backyards, and arrived at the house of some friends from church where i'll be worshipping with them together in the setting of their home church... i.e. church done the way it once was, back 2000 years ago... including a taco bar when we're finished haha! (ok, maybe peter, paul, and mary never had quite this kind of fiesta, but you get the picture!)
i had a lovely lunch, drove around a bit with the windows down, blasting great music and enjoying the view (for once, Indiana's farms actually become incredibly appealing lol!) and now, as you know, i'm chillin at the library while micah reads and i watch a couple old-school episodes of Disney channel's 'So Weird'... from like seriously 6 or 7 years ago! man this show rocks!
as i've come to discover... Peace is good, it is very good indeed.
PAX.
-archer
(here's a look at my view from the library's second floor! and then one of me, chillin here, too!)
in about an hour and a half i'll have walked across a lovely little wooden bridge over a creek through many green backyards, and arrived at the house of some friends from church where i'll be worshipping with them together in the setting of their home church... i.e. church done the way it once was, back 2000 years ago... including a taco bar when we're finished haha! (ok, maybe peter, paul, and mary never had quite this kind of fiesta, but you get the picture!)
i had a lovely lunch, drove around a bit with the windows down, blasting great music and enjoying the view (for once, Indiana's farms actually become incredibly appealing lol!) and now, as you know, i'm chillin at the library while micah reads and i watch a couple old-school episodes of Disney channel's 'So Weird'... from like seriously 6 or 7 years ago! man this show rocks!
as i've come to discover... Peace is good, it is very good indeed.
PAX.
-archer
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
a follow-up of the mention of the girl...
so a few entries ago, i mentioned that i was going to write a letter to a girl. a letter to a girl who may or may not play a huge role in my life in the future, in a romantic sense.
a letter that was met with a response exactly how i could have hoped for... and the outcome?
still absolutely single with no signs of slowing down any time soon! i love it! things are better now between us (though things were never bad between us, i just feel less nervous), since i've had a chance to share this with her, and get her feedback (since the feelings mostly sat on my side of the fence--not so much with her anymore).
so, singleness feels really good when you don't have an outcome in mind, no woman to run to as soon as you're fed up with being "alone". no promises for marriage. actually, still looks more and more like i could remain single for the rest of my life, whether it be long or short.
feels good.
just thought i'd share that.
may the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ dwell in you.
Amen.
PAX.
a letter that was met with a response exactly how i could have hoped for... and the outcome?
still absolutely single with no signs of slowing down any time soon! i love it! things are better now between us (though things were never bad between us, i just feel less nervous), since i've had a chance to share this with her, and get her feedback (since the feelings mostly sat on my side of the fence--not so much with her anymore).
so, singleness feels really good when you don't have an outcome in mind, no woman to run to as soon as you're fed up with being "alone". no promises for marriage. actually, still looks more and more like i could remain single for the rest of my life, whether it be long or short.
feels good.
just thought i'd share that.
may the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ dwell in you.
Amen.
PAX.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Somalia, Kenya, and other death wishes...
apparently the US government has just told all US citizens not to travel to Kenya because of the disorder.
Somolia's out of the question for most normal westerners (especially americans) anyway.
and i was going to try to travel to Kenya after my DTS, with my friend Joy, who lives in Kisumu. she and i have been tracking all of the stories on my radio here at the base, that thankfully i was wise enough to bring on outreach in Mwanza. it became our staple. especially in the bush-bush of Nassa.
but i felt God telling me to go home. i don't have the money to get there, to postpone my flight, or to survive for two weeks as i'd hoped. i wanted to go and take pictures, to march, to go to rallies, to comfort the victims, and to try to reach out to the leaders. but God is apparently not sending me there.
but i still feel him sending me to Somalia. there's a huge peace about it, and at the same time a crazy excitement that tickles the edges of my senses, like flames licking at the edge of paper before it goes up in smoke. it's an all-consuming fire right on the edge of my being, and here i am, waiting and praying for the doorway into that hellish place--the Horn of Africa.
since 1991 when a coup d'etat toppled the government, there have been about 15 attempts at a new, stable government. for just over a year now, Ethiopia has been running the show, since taking Mogadishu on December 28, 2006. they might be the longest running controller in recent years. i don't really know too much about it.
but for some reason, i'm pretty sure it's where i've got to go. i don't know exactly when or how (hopefully with Amnesty International, trying to stabalize everything from a human rights vantage point), but only God knows now.
i need to brush up on my Arabic before i get the green-light.
and get a better camera.
and a couple important licenses to aid me in various sectors of life there.
and i need to finish reading the Qu'ran.
and the Bible.
hehe... :) like i said, there's that heated excitement!
pray for me, dear brothers and sisters, as i pray for you.
PAX.
Somolia's out of the question for most normal westerners (especially americans) anyway.
and i was going to try to travel to Kenya after my DTS, with my friend Joy, who lives in Kisumu. she and i have been tracking all of the stories on my radio here at the base, that thankfully i was wise enough to bring on outreach in Mwanza. it became our staple. especially in the bush-bush of Nassa.
but i felt God telling me to go home. i don't have the money to get there, to postpone my flight, or to survive for two weeks as i'd hoped. i wanted to go and take pictures, to march, to go to rallies, to comfort the victims, and to try to reach out to the leaders. but God is apparently not sending me there.
but i still feel him sending me to Somalia. there's a huge peace about it, and at the same time a crazy excitement that tickles the edges of my senses, like flames licking at the edge of paper before it goes up in smoke. it's an all-consuming fire right on the edge of my being, and here i am, waiting and praying for the doorway into that hellish place--the Horn of Africa.
since 1991 when a coup d'etat toppled the government, there have been about 15 attempts at a new, stable government. for just over a year now, Ethiopia has been running the show, since taking Mogadishu on December 28, 2006. they might be the longest running controller in recent years. i don't really know too much about it.
but for some reason, i'm pretty sure it's where i've got to go. i don't know exactly when or how (hopefully with Amnesty International, trying to stabalize everything from a human rights vantage point), but only God knows now.
i need to brush up on my Arabic before i get the green-light.
and get a better camera.
and a couple important licenses to aid me in various sectors of life there.
and i need to finish reading the Qu'ran.
and the Bible.
hehe... :) like i said, there's that heated excitement!
pray for me, dear brothers and sisters, as i pray for you.
PAX.
Friday, December 14, 2007
the first blog entry of Krissi
Hey!
Archer asked me to write some blog entries during the time he’s on his outreach and Punjabican is on her winter break from school.
It’s some kind of weird for me to blog here because this blog has always been Archer’s for me.
He has always been the one who blogged most of the time and I don’t really know what to write about, especially because I need to write in English and it’s hard for me to find the right English words to say what I mean.
So I just want to introduce myself to the ones who read this blog:
I’m Krissi, I’m from
I’m a Christian who has many questions about God, the bible, the right belief and how I can live my life the way God wants me to live it.
I believe in God.
I believe in Jesus.
I believe in the Holy Spirit.
I believe in the opportunity of everyone to change something in this cruel world even if it’s only a small change.
I believe that one day I’ll know what my function in this world is.
I just believe in so many other things I can’t list here because it would take me hours to write them all down.
I believe and that’s good.
I know so many people who studied Theology and who deal with the bible in a critical way. I got to know this way of dealing with the bible and I still practice it.
But is a critical way of reading the Bible the right way?
One of my friends asked me how I can believe in God when I ask for logical answers to every question.
I can’t tell. It’s my social environment which influences me a lot and which brings me to ask all these questions.
But he told me that it should not be people around me who influence me. It should be God.
And yes, he’s right. God made me to what I am and I’m very thankful for his love and his patience which he always has for me.
But the people around me and their believes influence me as well.
So now you know the thing I’m most struggling with; my belief even if I believe.
And I believe that there are many grammar and spelling mistakes in this blog entry. I’m sorry for them but I tried to do my best.
God bless you,
lots of greetings from
-Krissi
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