to be is not to be good enough, right? wrong...

a lot of people i trust have told me that God really just wants us to BE with him, to delve in his presence and exist side-by-side, heart-to-heart.

i believe that
but indelibly
i recognize i am a flawed reflection
of that.

as i'm going to divulge later to a dear friend and confidant, in far more detail than i shall here, i have realized that i fall into the trap of either of two extremes...

i either focus immensely on doing too much and planning too much for my life in the future, as well as in the present, or i fail to plan, entirely, and the moment the hope of something in the future fails, i feel as though i am truly alone, and i start wishing i had an other person with whom things could be... "significant."

and then usually, that doesn't end up getting me anywhere without too much pain, for i fail to factor in all that i've ever hoped to DO, and the BEING of that relationship fails.

kapput.

back to square one.

and the moment i plan too much i am attacked for not giving God room to work in my life and in my future, and i am forced to reckon with my loneliness again, even though i was doing a darn good job keeping it at bay as long as i had a task at hand or even simply a few distant, adventurous goals.

i don't like that i do this, and perhaps i'm not the only one struggling with this, but i am the only one who's made it plain to my brain that anyone's dealing with this. ergo, i shall make plans, for to not have any plans would simply be too painful...

but maybe if i find a way to make room for God's plans along the way in mine, maybe then i'll get it right...

i just wonder what kind of girl would be willing to do a journey around southeast Asia, north Africa, or Latin America on motorcycle (or two) in the style of Ernesto Guevara's "Motorcycle Diaries"; what kind of girl would be willing to leave this country for long spurts at a time and travel spartan across deserts and jungles, just to find the truth of human rights in a given corner of earth; what kind of girl would be willing to put any remote possibility of family on hold for up to a decade simply to travel with me, with our God, and with our desire to serve anyone we encounter, at our own expense.

that's what i wonder, and that's why it's always looked easier to roll solo down the road.

God, since you're in charge, you tell me what i need to do, or how i need to be, ok?

ok.

thanks.

not the norm.

i am going to break a lot of rules by writing what i will write next.

if you have a weak stomach, are patriotic, or know anyone who'd be offended by condemnation of particular US soldiers, or would be offended by an affront to the American psyche of super-importance... then stop reading this entry.

---

i first read a story of a woman named Maria Osman, a Mogadishu resident, about two weeks ago. Yahoo News journalist Kevin Sites has been touring the world's conflict zones for about a year. he stopped in Mogadishu and met a woman named Maria.

her arm is useless. rendered so by the bullet wound that she earned for trying to reach the crushed body of her dead young daughter... under US Black Hawk helicopter Super Six One. When the first Black Hawk went down on October 3, 1993, it would herald the end for 18 American soldiers.

and the same fate came to roughly 600 to 1,000 Somalis.

we glorify the black hawks.


and we ignore Maria Osman's story.


the film makes no mention of the girl crushed by Super Six One.

' "I hate the Americans," she says, her eyes maintaining their empty sadness rather than shifting to anger. "I hate them for what happened to my daughter. If I saw one I would cut them up into so many pieces." ' -Kevin Sites quoting Maria Osman

if you think this is wrong, i agree with you. i think hate is a horrible thing, but i can see where it comes from.
but apparently she's not the only one guilty of this.

"An anonymous man wearing a US Special Forces T-shirt is a war criminal, if his three-minute YouTube interview is to be believed. In it, he claims to have taken part in routine torture of Iraqis — Hajji’s in soldier slang — in the infamous Abu Ghraib prison..." -Captain Eric May, on Soldier X's Youtube interview (i won't put the link to it, but search "soldier x interview" if you absolutely don't believe me in any other way. but please, don't view it unless you're completely ready to hear what he has to say, while smiling)


last month i joined the All Somali Forum. i wrote a blog on there about the war crimes of the Transitional Federal Government in Somalia, and when someone read it, they posted a comment asking me if i am anti-TFG.

i told them that i am, for the time being, since they are committing war crimes and getting away with it. i am against any war criminal. frankly, as you can guess, that does mean tat my enemies include many americans. by far, hopefully not a majority, but definitely more than i'd normally think.

there are always people against people. but if it's going to go that way, it should only be the armed against the armed. civilians should never be targets. and there is such a thing as War Law. so if you're going to lose your head, at least do it by the rules.

the first blog entry of Krissi

Hey!

Archer asked me to write some blog entries during the time he’s on his outreach and Punjabican is on her winter break from school.
It’s some kind of weird for me to blog here because this blog has always been Archer’s for me.
He has always been the one who blogged most of the time and I don’t really know what to write about, especially because I need to write in English and it’s hard for me to find the right English words to say what I mean.

So I just want to introduce myself to the ones who read this blog:
I’m Krissi, I’m from Germany and I’m 19 years old. I’m in my last year of school.
I’m a Christian who has many questions about God, the bible, the right belief and how I can live my life the way God wants me to live it.

I believe in God.
I believe in Jesus.
I believe in the Holy Spirit.
I believe in the opportunity of everyone to change something in this cruel world even if it’s only a small change.
I believe that one day I’ll know what my function in this world is.
I just believe in so many other things I can’t list here because it would take me hours to write them all down.
I believe and that’s good.

Believing is one of the things which weren’t always easy for me and it still isn’t but I believe.
I know so many people who studied Theology and who deal with the bible in a critical way. I got to know this way of dealing with the bible and I still practice it.
But is a critical way of reading the Bible the right way?
One of my friends asked me how I can believe in God when I ask for logical answers to every question.
I can’t tell. It’s my social environment which influences me a lot and which brings me to ask all these questions.
But he told me that it should not be people around me who influence me. It should be God.

And yes, he’s right. God made me to what I am and I’m very thankful for his love and his patience which he always has for me.
But the people around me and their believes influence me as well.

So now you know the thing I’m most struggling with; my belief even if I believe.

(Mark 9,24: Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.)

And I believe that there are many grammar and spelling mistakes in this blog entry. I’m sorry for them but I tried to do my best.

God bless you,
lots of greetings from Germany
-Krissi