word of the day: "ouch"

so yeah... church today kinda blew me away.

i've known for ages about God or Jesus speaking right to people, in some way or another. whether borrowing others' voices or not. always just thought it was a metaphore.

today, i think Jesus used my dad to directly attack all my misconceptions. dad talked about a poster that used to hang in his old psychology classroom in college. it read "the truth will set you free, but it will run you through the ringer first."

i want freedom. living in a figurative captivity is probably far worse than being behind bars in any way. i'd rather be able to see that which i am tearing through. because right now i cannot see the chains binding me to Self and Sin.

so, i want freedom. i want truth. i want truth to be known.

for starters, i'm addicted to lust and to anger. violence runs in my veins deeper than any other substance i know. i feel frighteningly natural with my airsoft gun in my hand. i feed the evil in me. i am a horrible person-- a bad person. i have no hope, save for in God's grace. i'm not beating lust, though i'd like to think i am. i fall a couple times a week to serious lust and i feel disgusted for the rest of the day. every waking moment i avoid checking girls out, because i know it won't frickin help me. i won't beat it on my own. i really need to find an accountability partner.

also, my selfishness and laziness will cripple me. but maybe they already have. i pre-judge the rich whites, and have to bite my tongue around certain people who fit that description. i hate the haters and fall prey to my own anger. i call everyone my brothers and my sisters and feel guilty seven-fold because i think i've abandoned Micah and Rachelle, the brother and sister of my won blood.

I say i want to save the world, but i love starbucks and i've given into shopping at wal-mart.... actually that was my airsoft gun's former residence.

i am bad, and maybe evil sometimes. i see and ignore. i have no patience when people are ignored by others. but when it's me it get's justified out the wazzoo! i suck at double standards.

i have developed an anger toward my old conservative christian background, and i know there's probably a girl reading this who thought she'd find more common ground with me insofaras a conservative outlook. i think i'm so afraid to lose her new friendship because she is such a strong reminder to me of God's reality. i see in her this reckless faith and urgency in saving peoples' hearts and lives. i admire her more than she knows. and so much of me is probably pushing her away. i pray not.

but if it does push her, then i guess i'll really be going thru the ringer.

i hate the very corporations that feed me and provide for me every day. i'm too lazy to care and to treat this world and the people in it with any real respect.

and now i've got to clean my room before work, since it is the first step in showing my family any respect today.

i bid you all peace and love. if i have called down any wrath or cold shoulders, then please forgive if you can. but let me know where i stray. i know i have several silent readers. if you are out there, and you can correct me in any way... guide me on... please do.

peace of christ be with you all.