until next monday...

...i'm feeling much better. the expunging of my systems cleared everything out, as i figured, and after spending an hour and a half, sleeping on the bathroom stall floor, my head resting on my roll of toilet paper, my own body crumpled into itself in muted pain, until 11pm... waking this morning was a blessing!

i feel so much more alive! it's beautiful! God really is good! i strangely found myself softly humming and trying to remember all the words to a good worship song last night, before i laid down on the stall floor. it was interesting, just seeing that despite my near agony, i could be thankful that in literally everything, God's presence never changes!

the weather today is amazing... feels like the first week of summer... the last week of classes. the perfect breeze, the reasonably cool and warm temperatures. the decent cloud cover from time to time. it feels really good. really peaceful!

i'm gonna go back to class now... it's kinda cool that even being in class is starting to fill me with fond memories of high school and that one random year of college (that probably won't be the last of my 'higher education', considering new "revelations" of sorts)...

life is good.
God is good.
Peace to you all, brothers and sisters.

(i have every intention of not eating anything but the bread-and-butter breakfast on sunday... i'm in no mood for a fifth knock-out round!)

PAX.

oh, what's the word...?

there's a word i can't really remember all that well. my first girlfriend, freshman year of high school, used to always call herself this. and it fits me now more than ever before in my life. it means you do something a lot, way more than everyone else, and it's not healthy, and now, as i attempt to find the word on dictionary.com, you shall see (hopefully) how miserable i have become due to this condition.

it seems to happen every monday.

i'm a valetudinarian.

yep, i'm an invalid. chronically sick. frickin sucks.

this is the fourth time since i arrived in Arusha 3 months ago that i've been nauseous. the last three times i was fine after ...um... clearing my system.

sadly this time around that hasn't happened yet. and i've missed the first class session of the week. and i'm going to miss work duty too. for the third time since last monday--i had a fever that day.

between 4 nauseated mornings, a fever or two, chronic weakness that clung for a month as fatigue, and random headaches that cripple most of my human functions, i'm pretty much an invalid. no point in trying to dodge that description, i don't figure. but yeah. can't wait till this passes.

Patrick prayed with me a bit this morning, and i honestly believe i'll be well by the time i wake up tomorrow, if not before. but still.... hanging in limbo like this gets on my nerves.

obviously, i'm not nearly as articulate as i can be in my writings, and that coupled with a general sense of impending doom (and a runny nose left over from last week's fever), i'm pretty much having a crummy day.

it'll get better no doubt, i just wish i could function better. and i wish dinner wasn't going to be ugali and sukuma. but, c'est la vie.

to be quite honest, just writing this with a vaguely comical flare and imagining the reactions to some of my terminology, by a handful of my audience, a new smile rests upon my face.

so, i guess, i almost get to laugh at your misfortune as you read this. (as we say here in East Africa, pronounced "Po-lay", as a sign of feeling bad for someone:) "Pole!"

hey, look at it this way, at least your discomfort only lasts as long as it takes you to read half a page! this is the part wherein i become jealous.

PAX everybody!
(oh, and um... pray that i can ... expunge last night's dinner.)
-archer

Trust.

God saw what he had created and it was good.

Amen.

when Intra nixes Inter

i can barely begin to write what i would like to write, certain of only one thing:
that i am uncertain how long i will ramble, or exactly what i will mean to say by the last words of this entry. here goes, brothers and sisters.

Intrapersonal is far more challenging for me. as a concept, Intrapersonal is not very appealling to me normally, aside from moments when suddenly romance is the farthest thing from my mind. but lately, after this current resurfacing, and finding yet another window in which to reach in and throttle me while i dream, i am choked by the need to be Intrapersonal.

Interpersonal is out of the question for the time being. i don't really know how exaclty to do such a thing: i shall live these coming weeks, months, perhaps years, seeking only my Jesus and my Adonai and my Spirit. and seeking only myself. only Archer. i have no desire to allow myself to yet again get more-or-less "hitched" to someone. been there. done that. got hurt. hurt her. it sucks.

i need some time as me. i've got a lot of work to do on myself. a lot of effort to pour into the right relationship. i can't keep working on all the wrong ones before their time.

i think i want to be married. but i want to be married to my best friend, not my girlfriend. i want my wife to know me. not just kiss me and hold me. i want my wife to treat me like any other woman i know most of the time. i want a friendship, not just a "relationship." i want truth, not romance. i want genuine love, not puppy love or high school sweethearts. i want a partner in life, someone to work with all my life, not someone i simply come home to every night, who just makes me my meals, cleans my house, and cuddles with me for a movie at night.

i know i want something real. i want someone who aches for justice, and lives in the moment, unaware of the perception others have of her. i want someone who laughs so hard she cries, and cries so hard her head hurts. i want someone very broken, very imperfect, very far from anything i can continue to describe. so i won't even try.

but before i even consider any of these, i need my Jesus and my Adonai and my Spirit.

these i need, and only these. and now i've got my choice. a great deal of mistakes in my past, but there's no pressure on me to win any heart, but to simply return to the heart i never had to win.

pray for me. i've got a long and winding road ahead of me, and i'm really excited for it!
PAX.
-archer

for the record...

i was just informed this morning, in an observation from a dear friend who read my most recent blog, the Essay (on Evil and Good). she pointed out that Love and Hate are not opposites, rather she said that any of these words would be better opposed to Love:
apathy
coldness
coolness
deadness
casualness
languidness
indifference
carelessness
lukewarmness
insensibleness
halfheartedness

her very real evidence and reasoning is that if you Hate someone you still actually have a feeling toward them... you care about them in one way or another. you think of them in someway, and the opposite of Love is supposed to be the opposite of the greatest affection, care, concern, noticing, and whatever else. thank you for clearing that up... if i ever get around to writing about more of those topic i listed in the beginning (as i hope to relatively soon), then i will be sure you straighten everything out!

Peace to all in a world devoted to Unrest.
-Archer

inherently.... which? (or witch?) --An Essay

Good vs. Evil

Joy vs. Suffering

Order vs. Chaos

Enlightenment vs. Endarkenment

Love vs. Hate

Care vs. Indifference

Law vs. Corruption

Which one would you say is more prevalent, of each of these comparisons?

in Lance Morrow's book, Evil: An Investigation, i have come face to face with something i never really wanted to believe or accept. this was perhaps one of my most morbid mistakes i've allowed within my own mind.

i had completely ruled out the possibility that Good was not the Rule of life, that which controls human thought and will. sadly, in this foolishness, i came to think that the world was shot to Hell, because of all the Evil in it at present (which may or may not have increased over the centuries).

looking at this 'Investigation' the Boston University Professor offers us, i find it hard to believe that Evil is not the Rule of life. cast in another light by Jake Pelfrey of the Chicago area, Suffering becomes recognized as the commonplace, with Joy as it's infrequent but always glorious counterpart--the breaking of the Rule.

Joy like a sunflare tears into the darkness created by the original Fall of Man. rather, since i'm not a fan of archaic gender selection, the "Fall of Humanity." ever since that moment--whether or not it's quite physically sound the theological representation of the Fall makes sense enough to me--humans have always been attreacted to their own will and desires. and normally what the human mind can come up with, it can often see as a feasible action. OBVIOUSLY, this is not the case with everything that enters our imagination, for we do not ALL desire absolute Chaos in our lifetime!

but these two writers have shown me the very blunt and dangerously concealable truth that i've been looking at the world in the wrong way. i've seen life and the World's events, both on a microscopic and a mammoth scale to be so devastatingly harsh and unruly, as the very action of breaking the Rule.

however, that thought doesn't stand in light of these recent readings. i find myself so easily contaminated by a hatred of the World's events. i don't think i have a right to complain, since is simply Right that is breaking the Rule. Wrong is left in a ditch to fend for itself as the spears of the righteous (in all facets of life) strike out and tear the darkness.

this revelation forces us to realize how likely it is that the real Evil in the history of the Salem Witch Trials, is the Evil that captivated the minds of those tightening the nooses.

--something just came to mind that should have gently began my conversion to this way of thinking long ago! i just remembered a lyric from the famous U2 song, called "God Part II", where Bono quotes from another famous Christian singer whose name i've forgotten, using the phrase "[i'm] gonna kick the darkness till it bleeds daylight!"

as Pelfrey says in his article on RelevantMagazine.com,
"After reading this I learned that I was looking through foggy eyes of expectation. Instead I should have been looking through the eyes of joy. Suffering should not overwhelm me, but instead I should be staggered by joy when it decides to shine through."

and Morrow points out the problem with conventional archaic views on evil, on page 17,
"Do not bother to demonize people as being inherently evil. That's not how it works. Instead, we should view evil as opportunistic, passing like an electrical through the world and through people; or wandering like an infection that takes up residence in individuals or cultures from time to time."

and again, Morrow addresses the ever-presence of Evil on page 4,
"Without an awareness of evil, people become confused; they fail to anticipate its ruthless possibilities. In the new instantaneous global dimension, it may be catastrophic not to think clearly about evil, not to be aware of what it is capable of doing."

Evil is not necessarily always present and working, but it preys on our already self-centered mind.

i must also say here that there are obvious holes in this outlook, once you look at people who really know God, and really know Jesus. as they begin to look more and more like the Godhead (the Trinity), they begin to have less of themselves and their own will. no person is perfectly free from their own will unless as Paul says in his letter to the Galations, "it is no longer [they] who live, but Christ lives in [them]."(2.20 NLT)

frankly, as far as i see it, this is a person's only way out of the trap where Evil can drift in, as it flows "from place to place along the channels of least resistance." (Morrow, 17) we otherwise become caught up and contaminated by Evil when it comes our way, as it drifts in and out of the minds of humanity. seven billion people on the planet. seems like Evil's got too many doors into this world.

and also, as far as i figure, Jesus is kinda the only way to pure Joy in this world. ergo, from our personal relationships with this Jesus do we encounter his Joy and thus have our own opportunities to share Joy and act in Joy, in Jesus' name.

this all sounds really preachy, i know. but it's the Truth as far as i can tell.

Pelfrey closes his article with this very approapriate subtle prescription for us all, no matter what faith we cling to, and whether or not we know the whole Truth:
"But we also learned that on those days in the dreaded desert, one may find a little flower blooming in the immense heat. Its presence is comforting, and the joy it carries is overpowering."

Amen. May the Peace and Joy of the Lord Jesus Christ dwell in you.
and again i say Amen.

what i am coming to learn, and coming to love.

please read this article.

i am relatively unacquainted with the truth of suffering, of hopelessness.

i am a poor missionary student.
no stable bank account state-side.
the poorest of the westerners in this YWAM DTS in Arusha, Tanzania.
the one who's broken two hearts in one fell swoop--mine among the two.
the one who's defied everything about my old culture.
the one who can barely afford to be using this computer.
the one who can barely afford to call home.
the brother and son missing his family.
the brother missing his brother.
the brother missing his sister.
the brother missing his dog.
the one who cries the most.
the one who has mood swings.
the one who hurts most among the team of students.
the one who has just recently encountered personal hopelessness, and barely survived it.
the one aching for ancient voices, both human and otherwise.
the one who is at peace.
the one who writes too much, reads too much, thinks too much.
...but is still held and loved by God.

just read this article.

if you think you know suffering, this'll step on your toes, laugh at your ideas, and then lovingly give you a better idea of how to live, and how to look at life.

Amen.
Peace.
Love.
Joy.
Suffering.
to You.
Amen.

Church ..part two..

"Jesus said to the people who believed in him, "'you are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. and you will know the thruth, and the truth will set you free... So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.'"
-John 8.31-32,36

all truth we ever learn is meant to point us toward the Son who truly craves a relationship with us. but, as Taylor pointed out, we are given the freedom to choose to live in freedom. or we can stick to our old ways. as many of Jesus' disciples deserted him in John 6.60-71, he humbly asked the 12, "are you also going to leave?" (v.67)

i can picture that revolutionary leader, already pushed into the ground by the religious leaders of the time, living his whole life both solely AS truth, and FOR truth. and when people refuse truth, whether given proof or no, it can destroy the good messenger. with sadness weighing on him, Jesus turned from the crowd to his twelve closest brothers, looking each of them in the eyes for a moment as he annunciated those pain-surged words. possibly on the verge of tears, he slows down his speech, letting each syllable bring his gaze to another apostle in the small huddle. the wind on the hillside is forced to the background of all thought for the apostles. the sun burning on their faces and the sand beneath their toes, uncomfortably shifting on the pads of their sandals--all sensation is forgotten and lost unto them. their leader, their beloved hero, the only person they have any real stock in... has just challenged them. perhaps, the apostles might think, if this is the messiah, doesn't he already know what i'm going to do? either way, they realize they definitely have the choice now. hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time Jesus reaches Golgotha. this is one of the moments they can leave him and blend with the crowd.

given the choice, every time i face a hard teaching, it takes me weeks, often, to face up to what Jesus' words and example will mean for me. and these hard teachings will come a hundredfold by the time i reach Sheol. ever moment is one of those moments when i can leave him and slip into the massive deserting crowd. it's just too easy.

but with those eyes on the verge of tears, i already know i've got to stick by my master, my Father, the one who's invested so much in me. ignoring the sun, the wind, the sand... i've got to cross the line onto the other side. a daily Alamo challenge.

i think the whole Church faces it. there's not much we can do if we really know who we're hurting by saying no. if we really know who we're loving and pleasing by saying yes.

as each of the twelve cross the invisible line and move closer to their Rabbi--their Lord--they watch the tears in his eyes fade. a stray tear slides silently down his cheek. not one of the apostles blames him for it. greeted with a warm embrace, one by one, in the gathering dusk, this weak-seeming gesture is turned on its head and used in the most profound way it's ever been used troughout the course of all eternal history. in fact, they likely think, this is why i love him more--because he shows us how much he loves us. and this reciprocal love before the twelve sinners even have an inkling of the cross to come.

we know about the overabundance of love and sacrifice because the cross has already come. the Church needs to understand who she's betrothed to. we need to be faithful. to every word of teaching. to every gesture of acceptance. to every example of truth. to every ounce of real love.

Peace be with us all. in Jesus' name.

Church

"in relation to the Kingdom of God--what about the Church? firstly, she's not to draw attention to herself. as soon as she does so, she's lost the power and authority given her."
-Tony Taylor, of England (our speaker for the week, here at the DTS).

it's a grave reminder to me personally, as i begin an endeavor to write a critique on the Church's most "popular" problems she's facing today. perhaps common is a better word. but i'm sure that the former will actually shed more light on it, in some ways.

sadly, i'm walking a very tight rope in writing this little essay, since i am in danger of drawing attention not only to the Church, but also to myself. as much as i hope my [comparatively incredibly uneducated] words are taken seriously, respected and understoof... the last thing i want is the attention of others in the Church.

just as Marx and Engel became almost as famous as their Manifesto, and Luther as famous as his Theses (to the point where frankly all i know about the Theses is that it stood against indulgences, and i know much more about Luther himself).

it worries me that theologians generally have big names. Dr. King calls it the "Drum-Major Instinct". and i am not at all calling out any theologians for striving to be as famous as their theology. but it is interesting to me that they seem like they are not disappearing like Bobby Fisher. but then again, that generated more publicity than his known achievements.

so i guess it's not so purely an example of Dr. King's fear--though there are examples such as Bishop Spong--rather i believe it is a symptom of a leader-starved world. we're so lacking in strong leaders, as the world has nearly every generation since the Judges began to rule Israel. so, of course nearly anyone we can set our eyes on who knows what they're talking about, we nearly canonize them.

frankly, i've nearly done that very same thing to Tony Taylor as he's been teaching. it's so apparent that God's been speaking through him. and in realizing that we get blinded by the truth that is in front of us, and we stop there, we find an unsettling amount of admiration within ourselves toward the creation and not the Creator. we fail to move on, following in the direction the truth is leading us...

like father, like son, eh?

I just found this fun little quiz on my dad's blog(nowandnotyet.net), and not surprisingly, i'm quite similar to his. i am, however, quite surprised to find that i even have "fundamentalism" anywhere but the very basement... bummer.
even so, from what i understand of the rest of it, it all kinda makes sense!
try it out on your own, and if you feel like it, compare mine with my dad's!

What's your theological worldview?
You scored as a Emergent/Postmodern
You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Emergent/Postmodern 86%
Neo orthodox 75%
Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 57%
Classical Liberal 54%
Roman Catholic 36%
Charismatic/Pentecostal 36%
Modern Liberal 36%
Fundamentalist 21%
Reformed Evangelical 18%


PAX.
-archer

p.s. my folks want a picture of me here in Arusha, so here's one i've just gotten up on my facebook as well. so far it's the most recent one i've got on any computer. sorry it's from so far away! my friend Jordan took it with a sweet digital camera he's got (so you can probably zoom if you save it) as we began our first week of outreach.