as Rob Bell has pointed out in one of his sermon's i've watched, everything is spiritual. there is to be no separation between our spirits and our bodies.
if that be the case then why do i struggle to stand so often?
i have many close friends whom i look to for guidance in life, people i imagine to be more strongly in touch with the Father. i look to them when i am weak in my walk. i look to them when i don't feel weak even (which may be when i am truly weakest, at times) and i see their example to be almost unattainable.
as many have struggled with over the years, i wonder if i am no longer simply IN the world, and if i've not become, somewhere along my self-infatuated path, OF the world.
in my efforts to be relevant i've only weakened the message and power of the Gospel.
each time i think i'm starting to get back on track i see that a friend is so much MORE excited about God than i am, and that they broadcast it more publicly than i. and i crumple, for i do not wish to be like them. i do not want to be known simply for shouting on and on of how much i'm in love with Jesus. i don't want to look to people like Jesus is all that i think about, though he most often is EXACTLY what i wish i could be channeled into 100% of the time. i just don't want to come across as though i'm saying i am "holier than thou". which is perhaps what i feel like when i look at others so seemingly in love with Jesus and at peace for it.
and this is the part in the story where i realize it is incredibly likely i am frankly OF the world.
and i don't know how to regain my stance of being in, and not of...
i see now that i am avoiding exactly what i want because i hate the idea of being titled and labeled and named as "one of them". it is not fear of association, as much as it is fear of being stuck, dependent under one title, one label alone.
and yet as much as i know my only real claim to any identity comes through Christ's claim on me, as a human trying to make an impact, and avoid stereotypes, i try to outrun his grace, love, and possession of my heart that i absolutely want him alone to have.
i am a stupid mule who is ignoring the call of the only farmer who will give me rest from the cold, tired world, just because i don't want to be seen as the one who wimped out and couldn't make it on his own. even though i know it is the best possible thing in this world for me, and maybe there's not even enough people watching me to see me "wimp out."
a strange place indeed, Watson.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
"breathing through fear"
two days ago i walked outside during my break in the middle of my math class in order to step into the warm, breezy, dark afternoon sphere that captivated my attention in every waking moment that day until i stood in it.
i had been reading a moving, strange poem written in 1968 by a man named Juan Gelman of Argentina, entitled "Conversations."
centered around the author's feelings in relation to the recent loss in the hero named Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, the words stirred in me a desire to write verse.
and after my walk, barefoot through the mud around a new building site on campus, i sat down in the classroom in the moments before we reinitiated the lecture and put pen to the paper, finding within me, these words:
"Breathing Through Fear"
[Archer. 22 July 2008]
it's funny to me the heads that turn
the eyes that burn into me, my jacket,
my beloved Esther alive in earth tones,
ensconced in warm dirt and clay.
i walk unshod
the sole figure
an embraced soul
the bleedings soles
through the mud
and burning sand
spirit in hand
the wind dies
to just a whisper
i tread through treads
of yellow beasts far bigger than i
holding my own
breathing through fear
thick in the air
He in my ear
He, the wind, and my warm feet
what else could i need?
.PAX.
-Archer
i had been reading a moving, strange poem written in 1968 by a man named Juan Gelman of Argentina, entitled "Conversations."
centered around the author's feelings in relation to the recent loss in the hero named Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, the words stirred in me a desire to write verse.
and after my walk, barefoot through the mud around a new building site on campus, i sat down in the classroom in the moments before we reinitiated the lecture and put pen to the paper, finding within me, these words:
"Breathing Through Fear"
[Archer. 22 July 2008]
it's funny to me the heads that turn
the eyes that burn into me, my jacket,
my beloved Esther alive in earth tones,
ensconced in warm dirt and clay.
i walk unshod
the sole figure
an embraced soul
the bleedings soles
through the mud
and burning sand
spirit in hand
the wind dies
to just a whisper
i tread through treads
of yellow beasts far bigger than i
holding my own
breathing through fear
thick in the air
He in my ear
He, the wind, and my warm feet
what else could i need?
.PAX.
-Archer
a journey renewed... again.
if anyone reading this has known me well for over a year you'll definitely recognize these sentiments, especially if i knew you at the end of my spring semester at Lakeland. and there may be a few of you who recognize these exact thoughts if i spoke with you about this in Africa.
i wrote this a week ago in an attempt to understand myself and get some things out on paper. it was unfinished, but maybe i'll like it better this way.
--
my mind is racing. the Jesus of Peace. the God of Justice--would they think this right?
a monster taking on the bigger monster.
theoretically, in being armed, i can kill.
i can take life. not yet, for i am thus far unarmed,
but in the future. three, four, maybe five years, and i'll have the capacity.
but can i pull the trigger?
what hat will i wear?
will i be undercover?
will i be a badge?
or don a suit?
what about combat boots, camo, and a bandana?
will i go guerilla to "seek justice"?
will i be seen as a terrorist, murderer, snake?
or will i even ever really take a life?
in defending the poor and oppressed, will the Prince of Peace fade to the background?
will his call be lost in gunfire?
will i ignore his will?
if no one is to perish, perhaps i can help, and simply aim low-- just high and hard enough to bring them down so they cannot rise again.
can i shatter your bones in your legs and kick your face into the mud and know that you'll walk away from your crime?
--
tell me what you all think, please. every time i think this way i find something that swings me back to the other extreme end of the pendulum and i loathe any hint of violence.
and then again i see violence succeed in releasing captives of cruelty.
and then i remember there's no such thing as redemptive violence.
and then i think to myself, "is rescuing violence the same as redemptive violence?"
war is not the answer. invasion is wrong. occupation is wrong. but what about insurrection? what about violent uprising within a country in order to gain liberation?
i am stuck. i could go for a coffee date or a phone call with anyone interested in talking about this stuff.
peace.
amani.
veritas.
i wrote this a week ago in an attempt to understand myself and get some things out on paper. it was unfinished, but maybe i'll like it better this way.
--
my mind is racing. the Jesus of Peace. the God of Justice--would they think this right?
a monster taking on the bigger monster.
theoretically, in being armed, i can kill.
i can take life. not yet, for i am thus far unarmed,
but in the future. three, four, maybe five years, and i'll have the capacity.
but can i pull the trigger?
what hat will i wear?
will i be undercover?
will i be a badge?
or don a suit?
what about combat boots, camo, and a bandana?
will i go guerilla to "seek justice"?
will i be seen as a terrorist, murderer, snake?
or will i even ever really take a life?
in defending the poor and oppressed, will the Prince of Peace fade to the background?
will his call be lost in gunfire?
will i ignore his will?
if no one is to perish, perhaps i can help, and simply aim low-- just high and hard enough to bring them down so they cannot rise again.
can i shatter your bones in your legs and kick your face into the mud and know that you'll walk away from your crime?
--
tell me what you all think, please. every time i think this way i find something that swings me back to the other extreme end of the pendulum and i loathe any hint of violence.
and then again i see violence succeed in releasing captives of cruelty.
and then i remember there's no such thing as redemptive violence.
and then i think to myself, "is rescuing violence the same as redemptive violence?"
war is not the answer. invasion is wrong. occupation is wrong. but what about insurrection? what about violent uprising within a country in order to gain liberation?
i am stuck. i could go for a coffee date or a phone call with anyone interested in talking about this stuff.
peace.
amani.
veritas.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Cambodia-Phnom Penh-Tuol Sleng
three times now since waking up today, Cambodia's come to mind.
punjabican and i are coming to a place where our futures after college are nearing rapidly and we need to get a strong jump on exactly what will be involved in the process of metamorphosis between college and 'the real world'. though i understand the sentiment and reality of college being its own safe little world, i've also come to find that there is a great deal that is accessible in my life at this point.
i think that up until this point i've blinded myself to the options due to my location in nearly rural Indiana... a place i'm still hardly fond of, all things considered.
but now i'm starting to realize i really need to break out of this self-inflicted coma and strike out into the world bravely and recklessly. i've held back for fear of dead-ending (but worse dead-end can you come to than an intentional stand-still?) and for fear of not knowing enough and not being able to do anything. ignorance was never really bliss for me, because i've always wanted to learn that which i do not already know. and now that i'm learning more and more i only find my past and present ignorance to be an aggravation i wish to have dealt without.
i wish people here in the western world knew more about people beyond their borders, our borders... i wish people here cared about the Khmer Rouge's devastating affects, and knew what language is spoken in countries in the Horn of Africa, and knew how many years people have been held captive by FARC in Colombia, and understood what overpopulation can do to a country that is becoming the economic forefront with no moral accountability from the international community.
i wish a lot of things. i wish people didn't want to wage war on other people they don't understand. i wish they would change their minds.
so i pray for them, i pray for the future that people who learn and know and realise will be able to affect in some way. i pray that i can be effective as well in causing change.
i wish americans and the rest of us ruling the western world (and everyone underneath us) could learn to "...live simply so that others may simply live."
three times now since waking up today, Cambodia's come to mind. i'm not sure where to start, i'm relatively certain that people simply won't care about an aging museum documenting lost lives and forgotten atrocities, despite the fact that it's invaluable history is crumbling and yellowing and fading and walking precariously near the edge of oblivion and the unknown.
i don't think you will care to look anything up that i mentioned in here, after reading this. but i hope you will.
punjabican and i are aspiring to go to Tuol Sleng, a museum in Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia, that's taken a stand in the former prison building, known as S-21, where all the people whose faces and stories adorn the walls were executed en masse simply because the Khmer Rouge wanted to revitalize a nation 30 years ago...
we dream of being able to go to this museum and spend several months photographing and scanning everything into an electronic vault where it should hopefully never be forgotten. we're also hoping for grant money to stabilize the museum itself and all its displays of lives lost. though the specifics are not yet managed, this is our hope, and maybe God will see fit to send us to a forgotten place to help people everywhere else remember them.
please pray for us, pray for an end to ignorance around the world and in your own homes and schools.
Asanteni sana, watu wangu!
Peace be with you.
punjabican and i are coming to a place where our futures after college are nearing rapidly and we need to get a strong jump on exactly what will be involved in the process of metamorphosis between college and 'the real world'. though i understand the sentiment and reality of college being its own safe little world, i've also come to find that there is a great deal that is accessible in my life at this point.
i think that up until this point i've blinded myself to the options due to my location in nearly rural Indiana... a place i'm still hardly fond of, all things considered.
but now i'm starting to realize i really need to break out of this self-inflicted coma and strike out into the world bravely and recklessly. i've held back for fear of dead-ending (but worse dead-end can you come to than an intentional stand-still?) and for fear of not knowing enough and not being able to do anything. ignorance was never really bliss for me, because i've always wanted to learn that which i do not already know. and now that i'm learning more and more i only find my past and present ignorance to be an aggravation i wish to have dealt without.
i wish people here in the western world knew more about people beyond their borders, our borders... i wish people here cared about the Khmer Rouge's devastating affects, and knew what language is spoken in countries in the Horn of Africa, and knew how many years people have been held captive by FARC in Colombia, and understood what overpopulation can do to a country that is becoming the economic forefront with no moral accountability from the international community.
i wish a lot of things. i wish people didn't want to wage war on other people they don't understand. i wish they would change their minds.
so i pray for them, i pray for the future that people who learn and know and realise will be able to affect in some way. i pray that i can be effective as well in causing change.
i wish americans and the rest of us ruling the western world (and everyone underneath us) could learn to "...live simply so that others may simply live."
three times now since waking up today, Cambodia's come to mind. i'm not sure where to start, i'm relatively certain that people simply won't care about an aging museum documenting lost lives and forgotten atrocities, despite the fact that it's invaluable history is crumbling and yellowing and fading and walking precariously near the edge of oblivion and the unknown.
i don't think you will care to look anything up that i mentioned in here, after reading this. but i hope you will.
punjabican and i are aspiring to go to Tuol Sleng, a museum in Phnom Penh, the capital of Cambodia, that's taken a stand in the former prison building, known as S-21, where all the people whose faces and stories adorn the walls were executed en masse simply because the Khmer Rouge wanted to revitalize a nation 30 years ago...
we dream of being able to go to this museum and spend several months photographing and scanning everything into an electronic vault where it should hopefully never be forgotten. we're also hoping for grant money to stabilize the museum itself and all its displays of lives lost. though the specifics are not yet managed, this is our hope, and maybe God will see fit to send us to a forgotten place to help people everywhere else remember them.
please pray for us, pray for an end to ignorance around the world and in your own homes and schools.
Asanteni sana, watu wangu!
Peace be with you.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Change
Last time I talked to Asher on the phone, he asked me to blog again... so I do so. =)
At the moment so many things are going on in my life. It's not only that I finished school and got my ‘Abitur’ and that I had my graduation party last Friday. It's more than that.
A new part of my life will start tomorrow. I'll start to work in a well-known hotel not too far away from my home.
First I’ll work in the sales-office, afterwards in the restaurant and in my third month I’ll work at the front desk.
I’m some kind of looking forward but on the other side I’m pretty afraid.
I don’t know why but I’m afraid of all these changes.
No more school, all my friends are leaving and everything is changing... Some of my friends go to
I’m afraid of losing contact and I’m afraid of the future.
Sometime changes are like adventures but if the changes are too huge they just frighten me.
But sometimes
I just can't
I just don't understand
Why you had to go
I guess I'll never know
Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
Change
And sometimes
I just cry
Can't say I
Don't know why
Why'd you have to go?
And leave me here alone
You don't see it coming
Change
When the future comes knocking
It changed
It can make you and break you too
You'd just have to make it through
I just don't understand
Why you had to go
I guess I'll never know
Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
Change
And sometimes
I just cry
Can't say I
Don't know why
Why'd you have to go?
And leave me here alone
You don't see it coming
Change
When the future comes knocking
It changed
It can make you and break you too
You'd just have to make it through
God bless you
-Krissi
-Krissi
Sunday, June 22, 2008
unbreakable: three words brought to you by Bruce Willis
i recently watched the film 'Unbreakable' with my mom, sister, and brother, while dad was out of town. i'm talking about the one by M. Night Shyamalan starring Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson.
i was thinking about how Bruce Willis' character, David Dunn, actually does something about the horrible crimes he learns of, and fights back to rescue people and to bring justice.
if we know that something is going wrong, and we know we can keep someone from getting hurt... why don't we?
i could have gone deeper and written more, but i think those three words are all that need saying:
if we can help people, save people, rescue people,
WHY
DON'T
WE?
i was thinking about how Bruce Willis' character, David Dunn, actually does something about the horrible crimes he learns of, and fights back to rescue people and to bring justice.
if we know that something is going wrong, and we know we can keep someone from getting hurt... why don't we?
i could have gone deeper and written more, but i think those three words are all that need saying:
if we can help people, save people, rescue people,
WHY
DON'T
WE?
Monday, May 19, 2008
How to NOT vote pro-life:::
i read this on my friend Kristy's sister-in-law's blog...
http://theheidaway.blogspot.com/2008/05/now-this-just-makes-me-angrydoes-it-not.html
i work at Target, pushing carts. i see a lot of bumper stickers in a given day.
i see this one a lot, surprisingly:
"i vote pro-life". an american flag waves in the background.
this sticker reeks of two things i hate.
1. nationalism (as a Christian recognizing a global family, christian and non-christian, this is elementarily disgusting and elitist as a concept--especially when it provokes war)
2. the term pro-life (which in-and-of-itself should be concerned with ALL HUMAN LIFE. not so, with the republican party, whom i would imagine they are meaning to show support for, by donning this sticker)
"pro-life" should mean what it says, but since there's not one political party (i can find) that dodges nationalism and a pro-death stance... i think it's BS to vote for any single party ALL the TIME!
don't tell me you vote pro-life. we can't vote pro-life. i can't vote pro-life, but i can try to influence senators and representatives and candidates for all positions of power to lean away from killing american babies too, since at least the democrats are less happy about killing Iraqi babies, so far.
i hate double standards.
get angry. tell somebody else. try to change things and REALLY work for a pro-life stance. right now, obviously not enough people are.
and yes, i have every intention of tagging every single person in my friends list. hopefully i'll get a reaction, sisters and brothers.
instead of "voting pro-life", elect to live pro-life!
PAX.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
you provoke me
crawling in the mud, sticking to your fingers, caking your face. you belly down and ease so slowly, silently toward the goal.
the enemy standing at the gate. beyond it is all you ever cared about gaining.
behind you is all you ever cared about--lost.
at this pinnacle... this dare-devil collage of thoughts and racing hearts, your chest burns with everything you've ever felt.
swirling into one surge, one un-dying urge--a tornado of truth and heart.
you have nothing to hold you back any more. between the fences.
to attempt is to kill yourself. to forego, and remain, is suicide. if not worse.
when faced with the moment when the guard looks away, walks away, exists away from your goal--your promise--what not to do other than charge forth?
get up! go! race toward it with all your might!
even as the sights of so many guns bear down upon your bloody forelock, there is little left they can take.
when you can claim it all, just on the other side.
just outside the shiny barbed wire of Guantanamo, a boat is waiting to carry you away to your reality they tried to rob from you.
just JUMP!
God is jumping with you!
--
pax.
the enemy standing at the gate. beyond it is all you ever cared about gaining.
behind you is all you ever cared about--lost.
at this pinnacle... this dare-devil collage of thoughts and racing hearts, your chest burns with everything you've ever felt.
swirling into one surge, one un-dying urge--a tornado of truth and heart.
you have nothing to hold you back any more. between the fences.
to attempt is to kill yourself. to forego, and remain, is suicide. if not worse.
when faced with the moment when the guard looks away, walks away, exists away from your goal--your promise--what not to do other than charge forth?
get up! go! race toward it with all your might!
even as the sights of so many guns bear down upon your bloody forelock, there is little left they can take.
when you can claim it all, just on the other side.
just outside the shiny barbed wire of Guantanamo, a boat is waiting to carry you away to your reality they tried to rob from you.
just JUMP!
God is jumping with you!
--
pax.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Food Not Bombs
i just called their number that i found listed in a couple places online, and i talked to a very friendly and easy-going Desiree, who's gotten hundreds of calls, probably, as so many people have been looking for FNB apparently.
she took my email and is going to pass along that and my number to people she's in contact with where she's at in Bloomington now.
apparently they're going to be camping out in northern indiana to block the building of a mexico-canada interstate, this May.
i don't know if i can join them, but i'd love to once i learn more about the situation.
basically, this is pretty cool, just thought i'd share it since i feel like i could really get involved in some stuff now!
PAX.
she took my email and is going to pass along that and my number to people she's in contact with where she's at in Bloomington now.
apparently they're going to be camping out in northern indiana to block the building of a mexico-canada interstate, this May.
i don't know if i can join them, but i'd love to once i learn more about the situation.
basically, this is pretty cool, just thought i'd share it since i feel like i could really get involved in some stuff now!
PAX.
Friday, April 18, 2008
oh the places i'll go!
there's a forlorn city on the Horn of Africa that's been bombed to hell a thousand times over and the people are aching...
i want to go there.
there's an old prison-turned-museum where the photographs of history's victims are fading with age, in Cambodia...
i want to go there.
there's a 5,000-year-old city on the Syrian coastline that's full of old books with words that read from right to left...
i want to go there.
there's a country of real people outside the green-zone, where guns trounce dogs as man's best friend, and war rages...
i want to go there.
there's a world outside my world, beyond my New York Life, that bustles with real human heartbreak and laughter...
i want to BE there.
Adonai, my dad in Heaven, help me be as you.
i want to go there.
there's an old prison-turned-museum where the photographs of history's victims are fading with age, in Cambodia...
i want to go there.
there's a 5,000-year-old city on the Syrian coastline that's full of old books with words that read from right to left...
i want to go there.
there's a country of real people outside the green-zone, where guns trounce dogs as man's best friend, and war rages...
i want to go there.
there's a world outside my world, beyond my New York Life, that bustles with real human heartbreak and laughter...
i want to BE there.
Adonai, my dad in Heaven, help me be as you.
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