think for myself

there are two different trains of thought that i find myself bouncing back and forth between here: the willingness to accept everything. and the need to contest everything.

this DTS is teaching me about these two major viewpoints of the world. and everyone fits into one or the other. for the most part.

on the one hand, most of my African brothers and sisters can be taught anything by our speakers at this school, and it becomes their belief, in a heartbeat. that's not always bad, but it's dangerous when several times teachers and speakers here have slipped up and delivered us false information.

which brings me to the next group. all of us westerners here (by far the out-numbered ones, running close to 7:1 on the base) often jump at every chance to complain about anything. it comes from being raised and schooled into thinking that as westerners we're always right. this is also dangerous (though contesting things is not always bad).

it becomes difficult for me, as one westerner (the one who'd at first been so open to complete assimilation with African culture, and is now seemingly the one most anxious to return to the familiar things in life), as i wade between two sharply different outlooks.

i have definitely grown to question a lot of things about human relations, theological truths, applied biblical truths, and crazy jazz like that.

the most interesting thing is learning to think for myself. as a dear friend of mine puts it, i am "the representation of the bandwagon fallacy." (thank you Emily!)

it's what you've got to do, think for yourself, remembering that no other human has any right to direct you, rather you must belong wholly in your own realm with the God you are in love with. God meets everyone on a different level. ergo at the same time as thinking for myself, i've also gotta be looking first at Jesus, and letting him tear into my soul, carving out the junk i don't need and establishing the throne i pledged to him there, at age three.

Jesus: "well, asher, it's about time!"
asher: "yeah, well, ya see... um... i never really realized what i meant! i mean, come on, i was young... yeah, i know that's cliche, but it works, right?"
Jesus: "how old are you now, asher?"
asher: (ashamed, awkward silence)
Jesus: "do you really not trust me with your heart and soul? do you really think you're the better driver? or am i just your 'co-pilot'?"
asher: "uh... Jesus?"
Jesus: "yeah?"
asher: "i haven't taken really good care of myself, already. you sure you wanna drive a junker? i mean, i'm no lamborghini."
Jesus: "have you seen any other lamborghinis on the road?"
asher: "not exactly. only in magazines and billboards and TV and what-not."
Jesus: "yeah. thought so. they're just fakin' it."
asher: "figures."
Jesus: "yeah, they don't let me drive either. they just make it out of their own kit. spit-shine and whatever else makes em look good. but they don't last. if you let me drive, asher, we'll last. you and me. that's all there is too it. no girlfriends. no porn. no beer. no joints. no pride. no gossip. no quarrelling. no disobeying your parents--*"
asher: "wait! what? hey now--"
Jesus: "...just you and me. do you trust me? really? good. open up."

so i guess this makes me wonder if i'm really thinking for myself, as the term would imply, simplistically. but, ah, what the heck... probably better this way, eh?

PAX.
-archer



*(though this is pretty much irrelevant to the blog, Romans 1.18-32 clearly outlines tons of other sins on par with homosexuality. yes, i have an agenda. i don't deny it. but this is simply the truth i wanna show here. but i'll write more about that later...)

veritas.

i am turning to the arms of a woman whom i have always trusted in my pursuit of veritas. my deepest feelings and thoughts will be in a journal to her, so perhaps it may be a spell until my next entry here.

just pray for me. my pursuits of truth and love and faith--with works--and beauty... they have thus far failed. the Bible is barely exciting at this point. sadly. i need to read the gospels and that will undoubtedly help me. i just need to meet with Jesus again, and lay down arms (rather than take them up) alongside my Lord. in his companionship i will find my wholeness and a holiness untaintable.

pray for me, sisters and brothers.
pray for Em and I,
pray for Em,
pray for YWAM.

amen.

unpacking... and why i wish i were still in cleveland.

confusing cell phone service.
no wifi (except for something i'm filtering into my room from somewheres...)
no land-line.
no new friends.
no old friends.
no forever friends.

i know i sound really emo right now... but i don't really know exactly what i should be thinking like. it's pretty sucky right now, i can't lie.

i love sleeping on the floor, and i got to do that last night, so i totally wont complain about having no furniture yesterday and this morning.

i love exploring. i wouldnt mind the driving around, except that right now it just feels so frickin hollow.

the people i saw in my last days in cleveland are probably some of the only people i'll still be in touch with from here on out. it kinda sucks. there are a couple people i know i didnt see too recently, who i know i won't be forgetting or leaving behind.

i'm in Lafayette, Indiana now... living in a small development about ten years old or so. everything here is a development. and there was this one church building i saw this morning that seemed so far removed from the rest of the world, aside from its own little development which was attached.... and of course, impossible to navigate.

it was when i spent about 15 minutes looking at the map of the city on my sheet-less bed, surrounded by boxes i cant remember the exact contents of, looking at 4 walls that are way too girly looking, feeling a forlorn and yearning breeze blow in my one window, facing the rain-trough span of land next to our new "home", realizing i'll be gone as soon as i'm here, with nearly no friends to speak of... miles and miles away from my closest friends...... that's when it hit me.

i guess for now i keep fighting the tears as i think of my best friends, all at least a state away.

i thought i'd have a new friend here, but i can't help thinking she was only interested in a romantic relationship, and it seems she's drifted to the background already. of her accord, not mine.

and the only woman i could hug and hold for hours and hours may have to wait months and months to see me again.

i am lost. i seek the mission giver and the mission, because i dont know what else to do.

i send my love to you all, and some of you know you're loved better than others, and those who don't, i apologize.

go in peace. and seek after me if you want to. i could use the companionship.
PAX, brothers and sisters.

white dinner dishes... and the joyous unknown

Last week, i spent time with Emily and her family (her parents, her sister, and her brother-in-law-to-be).

The conversation over a wonderful dinner of salad, egg-salad, corn on the cob (freshly shucked about the time i arrived at her house) and chicken--for them-- dwelt often upon the plans for the wedding and the banquet afterwords between Emily's sister Lauren and Nathan, an awesome guy i wish i could get to know better. At one point, as i zoned in and out of the conversation, since Em and i were enjoying a side-bar of silly remarks between the two of us, i found that the discussion had turned to the dinner dishes and the set of tableware to accompany. her mother and her sister decided that it was wise to stick with plain white or off-white plates, because they could go with any kind of food very easily and wouldn't be an eye-sore.

that is very true... a hot pink saucer doesn't exactly jive with chocolate pudding without looking vaguely bloody, i would imagine.

i became introverted at that point again since i often do when i realize my input would be a waste of breath seeing as how my expertise is not in the arts of interior design.

in case any of my readers haven't caught on yet, i am one of a small pool of largely unpopular critics when it comes to hating suburban life. as joyful as i am for the couple i'd only just met that night, i can't help but thinking that in the lifestyle i see myself called to, there is little need for an understanding of which color of plate will suit which delicious dinner combo.

my lifestyle choice: living poor among the poor, loving incarnationally as Jesus did, serving the marginalized in every society.

as this thought wanders into my brain yet again, this solemn Sunday evening, i wonder at the depth of my realization.

just as Em and i have both come (again) to this understanding that for now we are very likely meant to be single and devoted first and foremost to God, i have come to realize that i could never provide for a wife. as it is now, i can barely sustain myself and with all the costs i am finding in my journey to Africa, i think i will be nearly completely broke upon my return.

i have developed a great admiration of Brother Andrew, who brought strength to so many members of the underground church--and likely still does. in reading his autobiographical book entitled "God's Smuggler" (and known to a newer generation as "The Narrow Road"), i have often wished to have been serving alongside him in the most dangerous places beyond the Iron Curtain.

he eventually married, though he worked in a lonely state for so long that he feared he would remain single his whole life.

i pray for a wife (got someone in mind). but, most importantly, i pray for God's best. and i pray for peace and strength to endure it if he grants me himself as my only Love.

i want to be either like Elijah the prophet, or Brother Andrew the Bible smuggler and preacher. i have faith that God will give me what i need for the journey. whether that is simply partners and comrades or, most fondly, a wife... is up to him.

God of grace and God of glory... i trust you and i pray for your will.

singleness.

it's like the road that looks lonely, long, straight and narrow. the one i would never choose.

except that i've walked down the other road too many times before, and never felt absolutely at peace about it. this other one is beautiful, adorned with roses, lush pines and conifers of all shapes and sizes, the fragrance is intoxicatingly sweet and unforgettable.

but God doesn't seem to want me there.

Ireland is beautiful so far as i can tell in all the films and photographs. the roaring sea breeze tearing up the rock faces along the north sea. the grass as far as the eye can see. green, rolling hills, serenity at its epoch. I've wanted to live there ever since i first knew its name.

but God doesn't seem to want me there.

instead, God is calling me to begin my journey in his mission by chasing him all the way to Africa. to the shanty-towns. to the jungles, to the vast plains. to the church, both underground and on the hilltops.

in this way, from where i humbly sit now, both simpleness in Africa and singleness on this narrow road are my callings.

it helps so greatly that Emily and i share this notion of singleness as God's calling for us both. we talked about it last night and are both so much more at peace than i think we have been in a long time! so, la Vita a Bella! (about the only Italian i know)

where i go next is a complete mystery, i wait for God's word on these next agendas. i have no other choice. i am blessed with the assurance of God's constant presence, as well as that of several very close friends.

just what i was asking for!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

i gave it all to God and asked for him to guide my movements. i was totally ready to give up everything for him and go after him in a way i saw as his will... and the night before the jump, my best friend and brother Alex gives me a call and after saying hello, asks, "hey... are you still looking for a way to get to Africa?"

AFH = Abstinence, Fidelity, Honor.

one of his friends, whom i've met, his mom is starting a grass-roots organization that is bent on serving the poorest of the poor in Africa with education about HIV/AIDS. they are called AFH. It's been in the workings for about a year now, he said. she's been to Africa two or three times, and is looking for passionate people to go with her to Africa one more time.

it is difficult to figure all of this out, as it includes Emily. for the longest time, we felt God calling us to be together (at least for now). as you can guess, it is difficult now to imagine how in the world we're still gonna have each other in this new challenge.

pray for us. before i fell in love with her, she was my best friend. and she still is, and now that this has hit her expectations harder than mine, i feel inadequate to help her. i pray the person with the right words can reach out to you now, my Treasure!

God, you know my heart, you know Em's, you know what we want and what we need and that we want to join the ranks of the "new friars" and be your Church and your example in all the world's worst settings. please keep us from failing you and dismissing our calling. amen.

Today is still likely going to drastically change my future. This is one of the first times in a long time i've actually been obedient enough to give it all up to God and let him direct me. grabbing my attention in the last hours of preparation for one step. now i've got to learn how to take this new step that's been offered.

the straps of my sandals are my home. whenever i am wearing them... i know God has me exactly where he wants me..

i don't know much about my future... i barely know my next step... i pray for incredible courage as i lift my feet to plant them in the straps of my sandals. once they are there and i take the next step, my fears will susbide and i will truly depend on you, my beloved and beautiful Adonai!

I pray that you will never leave me, although i already know that you have never even allowed an inkling of such a thought to occur to you.

I will depend on you and some of my brothers and sisters and your work through them to survive the rest of my life, my God, my King!

I will stand in your presence every moment of my life... i will bow at your feet and thank you and praise you for everyone you send my way.

i will thank you every waking moment for the beautiful and upright woman you have blessed me with as a companion. we will strive on, seeking you every morning.

i love my sandals, God, i love that once i put them on, i will have everything in the world. the clothes on my back and the bread on my table, or the water running between my fingers... God you will provide. whether i sleep under the stars or a roof made of drywall and plumbing, or plaster, or tin sheeting.... God i will ever be under your wings.

When i come home to you, leaving this earth, i will be most thankful, and i will really truly understand the depths of your love...

but i know that from the moment i put my sandals on, i will be with you in ALL that i do... God let your piller of fire-- your shakainah-- be ever present. and be unto everyone i know, everyone i encounter, everyone i love, exactly what you are to me-- my strength, my hope, my courage, and most importantly, your are simply my plan, God.

i love you, Adonai, and i thank you with every fiber of my being and every strand of my soul...

Amen.

nothing really all that sentimental... but kind of...

It's been over a week since i last wrote here, and for no apparent reason i am going to blog again, even though there's not much i can really think of passing on through here.

i am slowly strengthening my faith, and reading (very slowly and intermittently) the books of Job, Hosea, Isaiah, Proverbs, and i'm trying to start the book of Hebrews very soon.


Emily came over two days ago and our first "date" consisted of a long walk in the metroparks, stopping to rest on a log. we laid down, head to head, along the length of the fallen tree. i think i was stupid to lay down as i did, my head touching hers, as all the blood rushed to my head. she was the smart one who laid down so her head would be the upper-most part of her body! :) for me, it was the lower-most part of my body. i almost fainted when i tried to stand up!

the view from atop the log was beautiful... the sun was high and those little white fuzzies drifted through the trees like little angels, all moving in one direction with a wind i could not even detect. but still they sojourned steadily. except for that one really low-flying one that somehow caught my in the mouth. you know how that feels like you just bit the top of a dying dandelion. lots of spitting and flailing on my part after that :)

as we drove back home (just as we did on the way out to the park) we blasted some awesome music from a worship mix i'd made for her! it was stellar! some Superchic[k], some Aaron Shust, some Jimmy Needham, some Lost and Found... we've decided to go to an Acquire The Fire event together ASAP!!! which means that if i get to go to YWAM in Tanzania in September, my next shot at a nearby ATF is the late february tour date in Grand Rapids, MI! oh well. it'll be worth the wait!

there's something about the worship at ATF that's almost impossible to recreate anywhere else.... there's a nostalgic quality to it. maybe just because ATF and Global Expeditions are so responsible for who i am now... it rocks!

we came back to my house in time for dinner consisting of Papa Johns pizza and a scary movie haha!

one more thing and then i'll shut up for a while:
on Sunday night i met her parents more formally and went thru about the most rigorous "do you get to court my daughter?" session i'd ever been through (i actually enjoyed it!) i got caught up when they asked me about Covenant theology since it's pretty much what i've been raised in, so i don't really know too much of what's different, but yeah! the coolest thing was that her father asked me if there was any piece of scripture that really spoke to me recently.

and i actually had just stumbled into one the weekend before:
"Jesus sat down near the collection box in the Temple and watched as the crowds dropped in their money. Many rich people put in large amounts. Then a poor widow came and dropped in two small coins.
Jesus called his disciples to him and said, 'I tell you the truth, this poor widow has given more than all the others who are making contributions. For they gave a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she had to live on.'" -Mark 13.41-44

i'm drawn to it so much because it represents my struggle in this life. i have very little to give, especially financially, but i am willing to give all i've got to live on. God will provide.
(her dad was impressed ;p )
i think i passed the inspection!