they say...

they say that when the last thing in the world you want to do is write, that is exactly what you have to do.

frankly, i'm so tired and bored, and completely out of pace with deep thoughts at the moment, and my fingers are in no mood to contribute to society that the only thing i can think of is the fact that i've hurt people recently, and i'm going to do it again.

there's really no way to avoid it.

i am called to discipleship, and it is a very costly thing. my old life has passed and though great memories remain, i know that when i finally do return to the states, nothing will ever be the same.

my hand is at the plow, i cannot look back.

God is calling me to rise up and give what i must to the simple phrase, "follow me."

and in so doing, or attempting to do, i've greatly hurt a number of people. some have voiced this hurt, while others leave it to be read between the lines of their words to me.

frankly, i know my apology can't cover the pain that certain people will feel because of this. for that reason, i simply seek forgiveness, scattering the seeds across the earth, some falling on good soil, ready to accept my apology, others falling on the cold, hard pavement. pavement so unforgiving i'd crack my skull were i to trip onto it.

the best i can offer is that i am mostly happy where i'm at now. God has opened up so many doors for me, of various kinds, and he's challenging me to walk worthy of his calling. worthy of him.

so i take the first steps out in faith and hope he gives me a new step before my foot slips through and causes me to fall a long way down. but he's always provided that foothold in the past, and i believe in it now more than i ever did before Africa.

here, i realize what true faith is. what true love is. what true patience is. what true learning is.

and in almost everything i've been unprepared. c'est la vie.
but that's the training of it. the beauty of it.

"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1.2-3

please forgive me, my dear dear brothers and sisters. some of you may find it very easy to continue through life's journey with me even now that i'm undergoing change. while probably many more of you will not be able to accept my changes.

i'm at the point where i am leaving myself back in Indiana and Ohio, and Kentucky, and coming here, willing to be re-born, willing to run the gauntlet, so that i may simply be seen as His. it's all i've got. and i'm glad of it. in my weaknesses, He will be strongly seen. in my failures, achievements beyond human capability will be witnessed.

and perhaps, as i believe he has revealed to me, Bibles will get into the hands of those who desire one. whether conventionally or unconventionally.

i pray you understand. i thank those of you who do, and i can't explain it more to those who don't. this is just what has come to pass.

i have heard the call, and now i must answer.
Amen.

Salaams, brothers and sisters.

Luke 2.10-- a letter to my parents yesterday

Mom, Dad,

...you're never going to believe this!

I should have first recognized the confirmation as i was speaking with Munishi about the Bibles for Edward and his family. As soon as i mentioned them to him, he jumped at the chance to help me find a need to fill. It wasn't long before he'd helped me once and had offered his help for the future.

this story all tied itself together today!

i am CERTAIN this is God's next step for me!

This morning, as i was working on my journal, i was finding clippings from my magazines to illustrate the topic of last sunday's service. Vera, our temp. base leader, whom i've already mentioned in several places, preached from Psalm 90.10-12, about "living a life of impact." as i gathered thoughts to fill that page in my journal, i began to relate it to my possible calling. i wanted to create a picture, a collage of several small pictures illustrating my role in the world. i took a small picture of a globe, stuck it onto a stretch of mountainous road from a Honda ad in WIRED, and put a running, jumping man's sillhouette at the other end of the road. the only thing missing was a picture of a Bible. i surprisingly couldn't find a single picture of a Bible in the whole of the Relevant magazine, sadly lol! but i remembered my friend Joyce's little tract she'd been clipping things out of. i went to her just in time and cut out the last little picture of the Bible in the whole tract. it was open and the pages looked more-or-less blank, so i went ahead and decided to write something on the pages. a verse that would fit really well. the first thing that popped into my head was the story in Luke where the Angel says "i bring you great news of great joy" or something like it. all i really wanted was the part that was the angel's message, not the part saying "the angel said...", since i don't really count myself an angel lol! i searched for that verse and found it.

I wrote the reference across the picture of the Bible.

Luke 2:10.

I went to town today and forgot about my journal for the most part, and almost bought another Bible, the English Standaard Version (the one used in SBS) in town, but didn't have enough money. i had also wanted to buy another swahili Bible or two if i'd found i had enough money for it, but as you know... i'm nearly broke!

so, i'd let it go until i'd gotten back and Edward was in the kitchen tonight after dinner when i took my plate and fork in, to wash them. as i washed next to him, he asked me if i had any other Bibles. i told him i didn't but i could get them. I'm sure God will provide the money for them. he told me there are 14 people in Masailand who need Bibles and he's already got 8 of them. I told him this is exactly what i'd hoped would happen after giving him those Bibles, that i'd learn more and more about getting Bibles to people. he was impressed and very pleased with that reaction. i was pumped after this reminder from God. so i just went straight to the dorm, and told several of my brothers in there that we need 6 Swahili Bibles by Thursday. they said they'd be glad to help pay. Thank God! they asked the price and stuff and all that jazz, and then i headed out, after finding the bag that Tyris had carried today, which had my Bible in it, and headed across the courtyard for the classroom, and i started looking around the room to see how many Bibles there were among us. i saw my copy of "The Message" sitting on my desk, near Derek's spot.

"hmm, Derek wanted this, might as well give it to him now." so i pulled out that bookmark the Kennedys sent us from the Chinese underground Church, wanting to put it into my NLT and left the Bible in Derek's place. as i glanced at the book mark yet again, i recognized the picture of the angel speaking to the shepherds from that story at the beginning of Luke. i suddenly remembered, for the first time since i'd written that reference, what i'd been thinking about this morning.

i was overwhelmed with curiosity about the actual verse in Luke that occuppied the bookmark...

five minutes later i was on google, searched "Chinese Bible", clicked on the first link and skipped to Luke 2.10, and compared the images with those of the bookmark. they matched letter-for-letter! the interesting thing was that they had left out the first part of the verse, saying "the Angel said...", just as i'd been thinking about it!

HOLY CRAP!!!!! i can't think it's anything less than God... no coincidence could ever be this great! i had no reason to think of those words this morning, save for that they were the first words to enter my head as i tried to think of a message for the persecuted Church.

Mom, Dad, ...do you believe it?!

I truly believe God had confirmed it now. first through Munishi. then through Edward. and now even through another scripture!

Praise God! please do Praise God! i really can't think of anything else to do!

frankly, i'm gonna go find out how we can scrape together enough money to buy 6 Bibles... the smallest, cheapest ones i know of are 7,000 each. that means (shoot, maybe i shoulda stayed in my math class!) .... um.... er.... um.... 42, 000 shillings (thank you Andrea and Jeff, sitting right across from me in the computer room!)

God will provide! i have no doubt in my mind! i'm gonna go pray now! 6 people need Bibles by thursday... and i only have 1,500 Tsh! time to pray, Mom and Dad!

I love you all! have a wonderful day! write me back about this when you get the chance! and of course, you're still in my prayers!

Amen!
-asher

Thank you, my dear sister!

To be honest, i was hoping, as i surfed to this blog, to find that you had written, and indeed God has blessed me with your words, sister! thank you so much for your prayers!

i confess that at this point there's been little of political interest to photograph. Tanzania's so safe and unvolitile in many places that there's almost no need whatsoever to be aware.

However, apparently due to a very low salary (about $50 USD a month) the police here run on illegal bribes from foreign Mzungus like myself. so far, i've not even met the eyes of an officer here, much less been of any interest to them, but twice in the past couple weeks i've gone into town wearing two knives, and on those two trips, i found myself standing just a couple meters from a semi-automatic and its uniform-clad owner. strange how weapons seem drawn to each other. i think i'll stop carrying those knives outside the base. i really had no reason to.

i was pick-pocketed two weeks ago, and perhaps that would have been reason to want the knife still, but even in retrospect (as i'd had my bigger black knife on me that day), i'm sure i'd never have drawn it on anyone. to be quite honest, i've already forgiven the man who took my phone. i'm almost sure i know exactly who it was, and when it happened. by God's grace, he didn't manage to take the letter to my brother i had folded up in that very same pocket!

i was angry at first, naturally, as i realized about two minutes after the slight tussle with the man at the dala-dala station in the center of Arusha, that it was missing. but my very next thought was simply that i was praying they wouldn't harrass the people in my phone book. i called it from my friend's phone the next day and found that my SIM card had already been removed. it's not likely they'll ever be harrassing my loved ones!

i bought a new phone within about an hour, half the price of the one i'd lost, and i only felt stupid when i realized how much cheaper phones generally ran--outside of the supermarket i'd gotten my first Nokia at.

as a westerner who's nearly been handed everything in life, and had so little taken away, i feel it is by God's grace that that experience has only drawn my closer to the city of Arusha, and not pushed me away! As i think about it more and more, i realize my fate is intertwined with that of the whole continent of Africa. if Africa dies, i die. if Africa prospers, i will be happy. if Africa flounders, so will i. but i believe Africa is on the up.

part 2:

i also wanted to briefly mention something about the last church service i attended, two days ago...
during the worship session that opened the service (which was lead by Natasha, Mary, and Johan, from our DTS and leadership) i felt God speaking to me in a way i can't really describe. and honestly, i feel he's illuminated the task before me. or at least the direction he wants me to go in, for now. with that said, i am leaving the rest to your imagination and prayer. i've barely scratched the surface, but i'm waiting for God's guidance in the details, so for now they will remain between me and God, and two other men whom i've sworn to secrecy.

just please pray. thank you.

on a final note, there is one thing i see in my future with nearly absolute clarity.
Beginning in early February 2008, here at this very base in Arusha, is a School of Biblical Studies (SBS). it starts not more than two weeks after our DTS comes to a close, and frankly, i think God is telling me to stick around for that. it's another nine months of the most intensive study i think i'll ever take part in. i'll read every book of the Bible FIVE times in 9 months, breaking it down in nearly every separate book of the Bible to two-paragraph sections, and finding meaning and cultural significance in every word written in it! (except that apparently we'll only be doing a selection of Psalms since there are so many!) I don't expect to return to the States any time soon, and i know this may really hurt some of you, brothers and sisters.

so, i ask for your prayers on this as well.

and finally, i bid you all a wonderful night! i believe my time's almost up! i rarely get much time on the internet here... power tends to go out for several hours at a time, a couple times each day and night! so even when i have the time, i do not necessarily have the means. tonight has been a blessing! and i am so glad to give you all a fuller report on things here! many who read my blog will in some way receive word from my parents with a break-down of my daily routine. as for my sister, Aisha, well, i know you'll find a way to get into contact with me if i don't reach you first!

Have a blessed night!
the Peace of the Lord be with you. Amen.
-Archer (Motochi)

My Dear Friend

It has been strange knowing that my brother is so far, and yet i know that God has given him a task to fullfil and that he may only return once it has been completed. I pray for him and worry everyday.
I am so glad to have finally heard from you my dear dear brother, and i hope to recieve some letters or film from you soon.
believe in yourself and stay strong, there is no one that can believe in you or trust in you more than yourself and God. So trust in your own abilities and believe that you will accomplish what he has in store for you.
I miss hearing from you. Write soon.
Allah Hafiz

in Africa!

i'm in Africa, and i haven't blogged in 2 weeks! but here's a quick one to let everyone know im here and alive and well and loving Africa so much! i don't know when i'll get a chance to post again, but here's just to let you know i'd love to have some prayer! won't really tell you what for, but God will tell you if you seek him, especially in intercession! the team here is great and i already have a beautiful and strong connection with several people! God is good! Bwana Asifiwe!

by the way.... i feel like God may be asking me to stay here for a long time, so be praying for me in that! as it stands right now... i dont have any desire to return to the states!

my friend Patrick here has given me an African name, so that i may become as African as possible for a white boy!
i am now called Motoche! (in Swahili it means "Light"!)

i'm going to bed now! Bless you all!

Peace of Christ be with you, brothers and sisters!

Osicu mwema wada na waka!

"Missionary Consecration" -before

It is Sunday, September 2nd, 2007. On Friday, September 7th, 2007, in the mid-morning, i will begin a day's worth of flights that will carry me from my last breaths in this country for the rest of this year.

It is 10.24 am. in about an hour, i'm going to be prayed over and "consecrated" at the church i attend in Lafayette, Indiana.

I am going to Africa, by God's grace and what is hopefully God's will.

I have gone through Hell in order to serve Heaven. emotionally. spiritually. mentally. financially. and even moreso emotionally.

but i am days away from slipping off my sandals and bowing to God to kiss the African sand in Arusha, Tanzania. whether or not i literally do all that, i'm not sure i'll have the guts to become a public spectacle! so, perhaps, i'll stick to just looking up and allowing God to take my breath away, as i step out of the airport, visa in hand.

i am setting out on a journey i have been living my whole life for, and one that will establish my temporary part in God's plan. i pray that more of my life is unravelled as i explore God and myself, and my brothers and sisters in Arusha.

i believe God will use this period in my life to draw me completely to him, so that i may be wholy his.

i believe he's already started that.

i am going to be ripped apart.

i am going to be torn.

i am going to be humbled, i pray.

i am going to be nothing but God's.

"When Christ calls a man, he bids him, come and die." -Bonhoeffer.

"He must become greater, i must become less." -John 3.30

i have always accepted the former, and never really understood the latter. but they coincide so much. this is where i must be fully accepting of God's will.

frankly, if he tells me that he wants me to stay on in Arusha, with YWAM, or to move somewhere else within Africa, i will not argue, and i will go ahead and do so. i aim to do as God asks. my Adonai, my King. it is he whom i must know.

when i learn the character of Christ, i will learn in whole, what God would have me do.

therefore, brothers and sisters. i become less. i tear down myself and i leave this country. possibly never to come back, if it is God's will.

pray for me. pray with me. i will pray for you. i will pray with you.

Peace of the Lord be with you all. PAX DOMINI.
amen.

the blister on my left heel and the presence of God--part 2-------------------------------------------------------- or 'when and why i blog'

(i generally only blog when i KNOW i'm wrong, or when i THINK i'm right. interesting...)



i am not an angry person, but i am often very anger.
i am not a bitter person, but sometimes bitterness takes hold of me.

i am not a happy person, but i often know true joy!
i am not a perfect person, but sometimes goodness takes hold of me.

i blogged last night because i was bitter and angry.

Jesus only got angry on the behalf of others.

i don't think i was angry last night on the behalf of others. i am annoyed by the fact that because i dress poorly, walk barefoot constantly, and carry my most prescious books and trinkets in a backpack, i look like the kind of person who doesn't belong in the society.

that is correct. i do not belong in this world i live in. i'm talking primarily about middle-class america. as long as there is lower-class nigeria and bottom-class india (the untouchables), and upper-class western world... i belong at the bottom rung.
i will try to serve, in order to better follow the Jesus who i claim to trust in. the Jesus who knows me better than anyone, and knows just how broken and beautiful i can be.

but what i did wrong last night, was i actually got angry only on my wn behalf. the lower class world was not attacked. i was attacked by their prejudice. and maybe that means they think little of everyone poorer than they.
either way, they attacked me alone. this means my anger was unwarranted.

and i apologize.

i actually honestly wanted to invite that couple to dinner with me somewhere, just so i could better understand them, and explain to them what it is that makes me walk at night.

but i didn't really even tell them why i was walking, and who i was going out to meet. i am guilty of misguidance. i am guilty of anger on no reasonable count. i am guilty of selfishness. i wanted fresh air to meet with my maker, whereas all he needed was a stilled heart, and an empty room in this house i occupy. my bad.


forgive me, God. forgive me, my un-named brother and sister. i wish i knew you better and understood why you did not appreciate what i was doing last night. forgive me, brothers and sisters whom i do know, those of you who are supporting me and partnering with me and enabling me to go wherever i feel God calling me to go.

thank you for blessing me.
i am not perfect.
i am not good. ("there is no one who does good, not even one." -Romans 3.12b)

but i am trying to be like this guy Jesus who has both wrecked and resurrected my life.
amen.

the blister on my left heel and the presence of God

the blister on my left heel and the presence of God were two of the things that spurred me from this house tonight.
and two things that nearly got me arrested.
way to go america.

----

it is 12.47am on Sunday morning, the 26th of August, 2007. i leave for Tanzania in a little over 12 days.

so i have a lot of stuff to think and pray about.
so, naturally, as people do when they have a lot on their minds and hearts.
i took a walk. or, started to, rather.

barely six or seven houses down, and just as i'm rounding the corner to start my round about the block, a middle-aged couple drives by, pulls a U-ey at the intersection i'm turning at, and pulls up next to me.



(at the same time)
man: "hey. what are you doing?"
woman: "do you live in the neighborhood?"

me: "i'm walkin'."

(at the same time)
woman: "do you live in the neighborhood?"
man: "with a backpack?"

me: "yeah, just down at 4014."

man: "why are you walking?"

me: "because... i... want to."

man: "well, should we call somebody?"

me: "no, you don't need to."

(at the same time)
man: "well, someone walking around at... 12.40 at night, with a backpack and no shoes... i mean..."
woman: (under her breath) "maybe you should just go home."

me: "i'm kinda weird"

man: "yeah, i'll say."

(at the same time)
man: "you should just go home."
woman: (to her husband) "oh don't."

me: "you want me to just go home?"

man: "well, yeah, or i'm gonna call someone."

me: "okay..."


i turn around and walk back, cursing them under my breath.
just because i don't fit into the mold of standard suburbia, i'm thought of as a threat.
if anyone ever wondered what i can't stand about suburbia, this is just one example of what sucks about it. i can't take a walk, in which i'm not threatening to anyone at all, just because i look weird to them. nothing about what i'm wearing is terribly different except for the lack of shoes. apparently a back-pack on a student, in a college town, is a red flag of a terrorist, or even worse... a homeless person!

suburbia: "oh no! whatever shall we do?! i'm so frightened!"

me: "grow up."


me: "i can't wait to leave this country."

at least in Africa if someone stops me from walking at night, it'll actually be a legitimate concern.

i shoulda asked that couple why they were out driving so late.
but then again, they're normal, right, so driving around in the dark, in an un-lit vehicle, oh and that whole illegal U-turn thing, that's all perfectly acceptable at 12.40 at night. who knows what kinds of frickin explosives (or bodies) they could have had in the trunk.

since when was a single person more suspicious than a group travelling in an encased vehicle?



God get me outta here, and do us freaks a favor, please, and shatter the bubbles of 'normal' people. they're blind. make them see, please.

the monster who got devoured by community

"i can't believe you can be so against what you once stood for!"

that's what i almost said to him.
my brother, Micah.

we were having a rather casual argument, as we sometimes do. i was trying to tell him why movements are so great, why men and women like Yoko Ono and Dr. King and Bono (sorta) and Lennon all give themselves to causes for a reason.

i tried to tell him that all change is made by small groups of people that grow into something large and influential enough. i reminded him of Amnesty International, of which i am a member. started by a single British professor in 1961, and has grown to nearly 2 million members whose letters have freed thousands of prisoners and victims and alleviated tensions and injustice all around the world in only 40 years.

he looked back at me with a smug look on his face that i couldn't crack. i just don't get how my brother, the boy with the cross branded on his left arm, and the Che Guevera clock (which is now no longer a clock so much as a small, glass poster, and is now also mine), could suddenly become somebody who's clearly so hopeless, with no faith in humanity, or even in humans. he's got no faith in anything, save Zarathustra's bold story of "making it on his own". he claims Jesus did it too, in his coy attempt to throw my own words back on me. but with his foot sticking plainly out of his mouth, i reminded him that forty days of fasting alone in the desert hardly counts as being alone. oh, and then i told him about the 12 disciples who were with him nearly everywhere he went.

he tried to tell me that since Zarathustra made it, anyone who wasn't weak could do it. he apparently had forgotten for the moment that good ole' Z is a fictional character. actually, i think that's when he tried to segway to Jesus. to him, Jesus is just as fictional, sometimes.

sometimes.


...BUT this isn't what i meant to get side-tracked by.

instead, i meant to tell you about another boy who had an american flag hanging proudly in his room, draped across his mirror with a chalky cross drawn on it. this boy believed with all his heart that it was america's sacred duty to follow George W. into battle and storm into Iraq in 02. he would have actually voted for W. the second time around, had he been old enough. this boy sickens me far more than Micah ever will. this boy believed in intolerance as the only way to change things for the better. this boy was anti-gay marriage and pro-war. (i.e. anti-love, and pro-hate) he was a thoroughbred american who wished he could've said the pledge of allegiance twice daily at school, rather than only on mondays in 8th grade.

this boy was going to join the navy, or the marines or something and fight for his country. he had a buzz cut already and everything about him stank of proud-to-be-an-american in the most disgusting form. it wasn't even flattering to the remaining good elements of the U.S.

this boy was frankly a self-righteous prick just like the best of them. could never recognize flaws in himself. believed he was always right. believed that america was supposed to be an all-christian nation. and that everyone who didn't believe what he did had to be converted, and he thought them more like scalps dangling from his belt, than actual souls, actually aching people. there was no love in this boy.

he was a monster.

i don't have that mirror in my room anymore. the american flag lies half-burnt in a black garbage bag somewhere in a dump.

i protested the "Bush Regime" on October 5, 2007 and felt almost more at home there, than i do half the time in church. it's funny how preotestors seem to realize they can do nothing on their own, and we sort of band together, as we all did that night to share a bowl of free soup, brought to us by an organization supporting the march, called "Food Not Bombs", i think. as a sister of mine shared a cigarette with a brother of mine, and both braced their backs against the cold downtown wind, i waited my turn for a used spoon, in order to eat half a cup of warm veggie soup in chicken broth.

after the march and everything, we wrapped up with a "die-in", which was by far, one of the most dramatic and patriotic experiences i've ever witnessed. watching video footgae from it later, i was shocked to find an elderly man in a wheel-chair shifting his weight and lowering himself to the chilled black-top of E. 9th street in the heart of Cleveland. during rush-hour.

riding the bus home that night with Micah, as the dim lights kicked in overhead in the fading autumn sun, i read from a communist newspaper about the similarities between Bush's and Hitler's. it was kinda freaky. as a middle-aged man walked past me, on his way out the front door of the 9X four-wheeled community driving machine, he looked down and complimented me on the white bandana around my knee with the word 'COEXIST' scrawled in dark permanent marker. the Islam crescent was the 'C', the Jewish Star of David was the 'X', and the Christian cross was the 'T'.

that bandana is now sewn onto a small black jacket i bought for the purpose of shaking things up and lacing it with lyrics and sayings and emblems of what i stand for. i named her Ruth. i'm wearing her now, for the first time since probably March this year.

she's beautiful, and reminds me of the kind of communion that comes from a strong, united purpose. i miss that union.

i'm hoping i'll find that soon, sometime in the coming couple of years.

anyone wanna go see that movie, "Across The Universe" with me sometime?

Love and Peace or Else.
-Archer

the real heroes

for what it's worth, i must tell you that great numbers of people doing small things with great love... they have just saved thousands of lives in India.

i get newsletters from many organizations asking for me to help with certain issues all around the world, largely affecting the sick and the poor. they are your burden just as much as they are mine. and they are my burden just as much as they are their own. no one gets off the hook.

in the case which the organization called CARE has been tracking and fighting for, in India, i just learned today that Novartis (a huge pharmaceutical company which has been pushing to make ILLEGAL, a score of generic brands of life-saving Anti-Retroviral drugs--ARVs--in India) has DROPPED its case!

i was first made aware of this struggle in the Indian courts sometime last fall, and from time to time, i've had new news. frankly i think all i ever did for this case was a generic letter online with maybe a couple personal tweaks, and my "signature". it's a lot when a lot of people are doing it. but i'm certainly no hero. the point is, many many people actually hand-wrote letters to the Indian government and none of it was the usual, tailored story that most of us with computers have the convenience of dealing with. i read a couple excerpts from these letters in the email newsletter i just got.

here's the excerpts that were among the many words shared with the Indian government that have, at least for a while, secured the affordable ARVs for India's poorest brothers and sisters... these two women are among the heroes of this battle!

"I hope you know what AIDS has done and is still doing in Africa . . I have three blood sisters who depend on ARV's for life. I may not be infected with AIDS but I am affected because I am nursing beloved ones who are infected and keeping orphans of those who are gone." -- Hannah , Zambia

"As a woman and mother of two children of my own, I ask you please drop this case against the Indian government. If I were sick and needed lifesaving drugs, I can't possibly imagine what it would be like to be denied those drugs. Please don't deny other women the chance to live." --Michelle, LA

i say again... only small things, with great love.
PAX.